husband says polygamy is a good thing

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Who is your support system? Who will be helping you out when new baby comes home?
Do you have money of your own? Are you employed?
Has he ever escalated to physical violence?
Do you have friends and contacts outside the home?
Are you allowed out of the home?

Whatever your husband is going through (and it would be interesting to know if his mother or father acted out like this in their marriage), right at this moment, you can’t depend on him. So you need to have your own means of emotional support, and people who are there for you and your kids.

I’m not a therapist, but bullies like to get a rise out of people. You might be rewarding his behavior by reacting and getting very upset. Of course, the people we love the most are the ones who push our buttons, but you might need to change tactics. Don’t react at all to his outrageous remarks. Don’t argue with him, don’t try to convince him, just ignore him. Walk away from the situation–into another room, for instance. This will be easier to do if you have a support system of your own. Be consistent. Don’t mope or cry (because your tears won’t change him). Don’t tip your hand to this new strategy (don’t say “things are going to change” or “this is the new me”), just DO the new strategy.

I put you on my prayer list. God bless.
 
DefenderofTruth,

Your husband is being really weird about this. I concur with others who have mentioned the possibility of mental illness. There’s definitely something wrong. I think your marriage is either going to either get better or worse–I don’t think this is a stable situation and I think there may be some unexpected developments. Normally, I don’t believe in blabbing personal marital stuff to people outside the couple, but in your case, I think you need to start mentally preparing an exit plan, which will probably include research on local resources and talking to a few trusted individuals that you may need help soon. There’s been so much weirdness from your husband that there’s a small but real possibility that he may do you or your children harm–he certainly seems very excited about the possibility of replacing you. Even just going to a counselor and making sure he knows that you are going to a counselor might be a sort of insurance policy in case he gets any funny ideas.

I would not normally encourage separation or violating confidences between husband and wife, but your husband is enthusiastically talking about violating your marriage vows the way a different kind of guy would talk about a long-awaited fishing or hunting trip or daydream about a new truck. If ever there was a time for an ultimatum (either just me or no me–I’m not going to share), this is it.

“Some of you already know me, I’ve been married for 10 years to the same man (our only marriage) and am around 31 weeks pregnant with our 5th child. Anyway my anti-Catholic Anglican husband lost his Christian faith entirely just after Easter this year. He has since told me that after 7 years of being overweight (we have a 10, 4, going to be 3, and 1 year old and I’m pregnant with #5) that he’s fed up with my weight.”

That’s quite the thing to say to a nearly 7-months-pregnant lady. He couldn’t wait until after you’d had the baby?

“He says he loves me, and wants to be with me always but in an argument spewed out that he thinks polygamy is a good thing (he’s been making comments favorable to polygamy for the past 8 or so months) and threw the name of some woman (the boss’s daughter) who he works with. I was devastated. I’m not only overweight, but I’m nearly 38 years old and she’s rich, late 20’s, and “sweet/nice”-his words. She supposedly doesn’t know how he feels and has only had work related/one personal conversation with him about me being pregnant. He claims that he gets a vibe from her that she likes him too.”

It sounds like he’s massively overblowing the nature of his relationship with this woman from work in his mind. Does he not understand that the size of his existing family really takes him off the market for 80-95% of single women (even if they had no qualms about divorce and remarriage)? Nice, smart professional women in their late 20s don’t as a rule have adulterous affairs with fathers of five–her options are so much better than your husband.

“He claims that he can’t just “shut it off” and that it’s normal to be attracted to other women and even to “like” them (in a way he likes his wife) but that real monogamy is to choose one person and be with them.”

Husbands who have the full use of their mental faculties understand that they don’t talk to their wives about how hot other women are.

“I feel like he’s going to cheat on me and really still wants to but can’t (yet) from some sense of childhood trauma/morals that he doesn’t want to be like his mother for cheating and leaving his dad and brother and sisters.”

It does sound like he’s talking himself into something bad.
 
Continued…

“He’s told me that polygamy isn’t cheating. I reminded him OVER AND OVER AGAIN THAT HIS VOWS WERE MONOGAMOUS VOWS…”

You’re right.

“He thinks his “honesty” was a good thing that being secretive is worse.”

If “secretive” means sneaking around with other women, sure. But if secretive means my husband keeping his mouth shut about how he feels when he sees a cute girl in short shorts bend over to tie her shoes, sign me up for secretive. I don’t need that, and 99% of women feel exactly the same way.

“He’s told me that “since I worship YHWH”-his words that I shouldn’t have a problem with polygamy since David and Solomon did it. (he thinks Jesus was a false prophet)”

Weird, weird, weird.

Maybe it’s time for a couple’s Bible study of the Old Testament focusing on polygamous families of the Old Testament. Spoiler: the polygamy often led to horrific family issues (one of David’s sons raping a half-sister, jealousy between Rachel and Leah (who were sisters and co-wives), Joseph getting sold into slavery by his half-brothers, problems between Sarah and Hagar, etc.). Has your husband literally never cracked a Bible?
 
This may not be helpful, but . . .polygamy is illegal. At least in the US.

Please get counseling for yourself. Your priest or deacon may be able to offer free counseling or at least support.

Praying for you.
 
defenderoftruth said:
Yes he’s always been anti-Catholic VERY anti-Catholic. He thinks he’s just an honest guy that feels differently than I do (most people actually) about marriage. The worst part is when he uses the example of our kids of how his love works with two women. Example: “I don’t have a favorite with the kids and it wouldn’t be that way with you or my second wife either.” I’ve tried vehemently to explain to him that familial child love and spousal love are two different things and are apples and oranges. He just shrugs…
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pack up the kids and go home to mother. No man should mentally torture a pregnant wife like this. He has no respect for you and a man who has no respect for his wife has no love for her either. Your husband wants a life without the responsibility of 5 kids and a wife. He wants you to leave that is why he is being so cruel. He knows full well how to push your buttons. If you leave it makes it easier for him to leave. He doesn’t want counseling because he doesn’t want things to get better.

But you need to go somewhere safe where you can relax and prepare to have your baby. You don’t need to be worrying about him and what he might do.
 
vsedriver said:
pack up the kids and go home to mother. No man should mentally torture a pregnant wife like this. He has no respect for you and a man who has no respect for his wife has no love for her either. Your husband wants a life without the responsibility of 5 kids and a wife. He wants you to leave that is why he is being so cruel. He knows full well how to push your buttons. If you leave it makes it easier for him to leave. He doesn’t want counseling because he doesn’t want things to get better.

But you need to go somewhere safe where you can relax and prepare to have your baby. You don’t need to be worrying about him and what he might do.
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I really, really hope it doesn’t come to this, OP – but if it does, please consult an attorney before leaving. Leaving your marital home and attempting to take your children with you can have unexpected legal consequences.
 
vsedriver said:

"pack up the kids and go home to mother. No man should mentally torture a pregnant wife like this. He has no respect for you and a man who has no respect for his wife has no love for her either. Your husband wants a life without the responsibility of 5 kids and a wife. He wants you to leave that is why he is being so cruel. He knows full well how to push your buttons. If you leave it makes it easier for him to leave. He doesn’t want counseling because he doesn’t want things to get better.

“But you need to go somewhere safe where you can relax and prepare to have your baby. You don’t need to be worrying about him and what he might do.”

grace poole said:

“I really, really hope it doesn’t come to this, OP – but if it does, please consult an attorney before leaving. Leaving your marital home and attempting to take your children with you can have unexpected legal consequences.”

Yes to both of you. 1) The OP does need legal guidance before attempting to leave the marital home with her children and 2) It sounds like the OP’s husband may be doing this to get her to leave HIM, so he can feel all martyred about it, and move on with a clean conscience to another woman. But if that is his plan (consciously or unconsciously), it could easily escalate into something very nasty. Also, there may be some admixture of mental illness, as this really seems to have come out of the blue (aside from the anti-Catholicism, which is long-standing).

I would urge the OP to communicate with close friends and family, explaining that your husband has been behaving oddly lately and make that appointment with a lawyer. If there seems to be any escalation or changes in your husband, have the groundwork laid for you and the kids to go to a safe place and to apply for legal separation (as you will need child support to feed the children). At that point, you still have the option of asking him to go into counseling with you if he wants to save your marriage. If he doesn’t want to then, well, that’s your answer. Saving your marriage is in his hands at this point.

It’s a terrible thing to have to consider all this, but given the changes that you have seen in your husband, I would be scared for me or the kids to sleep in the same house with him. Every so often, some guy goes off and murders his entire family, often with way fewer signs of impending doom than your husband has been giving off.
 
Oh, and a mental health evaluation would also be a good thing to ask for as one of your conditions for living together.

Another thing the OP needs to be prepared for is that if her husband is mentally ill and goes untreated or deteriorates while being treated, he may enter a downward economic spiral, where he starts cycling through lower and lower paying jobs, until he’s unable to support himself, let alone a wife and five kids. I would not count on him being able to keep his current job. You may eventually wind up being the sole support of your children.

Best wishes to the OP. Take care of yourself and your babies and check in when you can.
 
In my opinion, this situation is really abusive. It may not be abnormal for someone to develop a crush on someone else, but they don’t go home and brag to their spouse about it. That’s flat out horrible. Most likely, the jerk is dreaming anyway. There aren’t a whole lot of smart, sweet, rich, pretty, young girls who are interested in less-rich, middle-aged, fathers of multiple children and one on the way. (Particularly those in favor of polygamy.)

If it was me, I would take an opportunity to discuss a seperation with an attorney. Therapy and a new job would be an absolute condition of reconcilliation. He can have the uncomfortable discussion with his boss about how he needs to move on because he’s been fantasizing about a three-way with his daughter. We’ll see how open-minded and non-judgemental the boss is when he writes his letter of recommendation.
 
Pray hard for yourself and your spouse.

Have your home blessed by your parish priest.

If this started recently and he has not been a total b***tard the whole ten years then you can assume there is something diabolical at play.

You must know you and your husbands marriage is a great prize for Satan and he would want nothing more than for you two to divorce. I see you are in RCIA currently so I’m sure that makes you an even more appealing prize. The devil can twist your husbands thoughts for sure.

Put on the spiritual armor daily ( google the specific prayer.).

I will pray for your husband and your family.

God bless

Hv
 
“Have your home blessed by your parish priest.”

Her husband is a raving anti-Catholic, so I expect that wouldn’t go over well.
 
gracepoole said:
My heart ached – ached – as I read your posts. I hope I’m not speaking out of turn but your husband sounds absolutely miserable. And his misery is not caused by you. The dead giveaway is his insistence on blaming and disrespecting you. Feeling anger toward the faith that grounds his wife does not display love. He doesn’t have to accept the Catholic faith to respect that his wife accepts it. As for his comments about polygamy, I could be wrong – but they really sound rooted in his desire to hurt you. I don’t know you or him but I’d really like to shake him hard and snap some sense into him.

What I can suggest may not help to heal you but here goes… First, PRAY. Pray the rosary as often as possible. With little ones around, I can’t hang onto a rosary or even make it through a decade in one shot most times. But I say a Hail Mary whenever I can. Sometimes I just outright beg Our Lady for help. Do the same with St. Rita, St. Monica, or any other saint to whom you feel a kinship. These women knew pain. They knew deep hurting. They’re with you always. And they love you. I’m guessing you need to feel some love right now. Second, seek counseling on your own. As I think someone mentioned earlier, many therapists offer a sliding scale – some insurance carriers cover therapy, as well. Contact your priest or diocese and ask for the name of a Catholic therapist (or check out catholictherapists.com/). Do this for yourself and your children-- get yourself as strong as possible.

I’m adding you to my prayers – get the CAF prayer warriors working for you, as well!
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I agree with the above and website for a good Catholic therapist. Prayer and the saints, YES. I will add you to those I pray for. You are loved, do not doubt that and draw near to our Lord and his Mother in short spurts when you can. They want to be there for you! Let your priest know and go to him also for council and prayer or anyone at your parish that you know will pray. But those of us here at CAF are always willing to support you with prayer (which is easier if you want to remain annonymous)
My love in Christ,
mlz
 
One more thing…Regardless to the pain and inconsideration. After getting support spiritually you must be the strong witness of love to your husband (hard as that will be) “Love covers a multitude of sins”. You will need the support in order to be strong though. God is able to do abundantly more than we can ask or think, so this IS possible.
Prayers for you,
mlz
 
Obtain good legal counsel now. Do not pack up and go. If he threatens to be physically abusive, call the police and have the local magistrate issue an emergency restraining order. Keep a journal that he does not know about and log each incident. Speak to a good priest about this, don’t sweet coat it, put all the cards on the table and the entire history.

I had a family friend in this same situation several years ago, and the advice of a good and holy priest was to separate, civilly divorce and file for an annulment with a Pauline privilege. Each step takes time and would allow the husband to see the error of his actions.

Of course pray for your marriage, and his conversion. However, his behavior is a threat to you and your children’s spiritual welfare. This is especially true if he has been involved the 7th Day Adventists, Islam or the like (your description brings this to mind).
 
Since this polygamy / overt interest in other specific women is a recent thing leads me to believe it is just a symptom of an underlying issue: he is no longer attracted to you and is overplaying his hand by trying to instill some fear/dread to get you working out / losing weight and looking better.

Solution: Hit the gym / dress nicely / act more feminine / etc.
 
SHANTARAM said:
Since this polygamy / overt interest in other specific women is a recent thing leads me to believe it is just a symptom of an underlying issue: he is no longer attracted to you and is overplaying his hand by trying to instill some fear/dread to get you working out / losing weight and looking better.

Solution: Hit the gym / dress nicely / act more feminine / etc.
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It is always good to take care of one’s health.
But this is not what the OP needs. She is pregnant. and deserves the love and support of her husband, not comparisons with other women. It’s not on her to win his love back, he has promised to love and honor her unconditionally, and he’s failing his promise.
Whether she decides to try to stay and encourage him to act like the husband he promised to be, or see a priest/attorney for advice, she needs to know that she is a beloved child of God, precious in His sight. She doesn’t need to improve her looks to deserve respect and support from her husband.
 
Take care of yourself and also be honest about YOUR feelings. If this was my husband, I would let him have it. You don’t need counseling necessarily as much as a backbone. Don’t cry anymore, “You’re hurting my feelings.” He doesn’t care and it makes you weaker. Be stronger than that. Tell him to get his priorities straight, and pronto, or you will separate. He needs to see you as capable of living your own life.
If my husband so much as mentioned polyamory I’d see red.
 
Father_of_10 said:
Obtain good legal counsel now. Do not pack up and go. If he threatens to be physically abusive, call the police and have the local magistrate issue an emergency restraining order. Keep a journal that he does not know about and log each incident. Speak to a good priest about this, don’t sweet coat it, put all the cards on the table and the entire history.

I had a family friend in this same situation several years ago, and the advice of a good and holy priest was to separate, civilly divorce and file for an annulment with a Pauline privilege. Each step takes time and would allow the husband to see the error of his actions.

Of course pray for your marriage, and his conversion. However, his behavior is a threat to you and your children’s spiritual welfare. This is especially true if he has been involved the 7th Day Adventists, Islam or the like (your description brings this to mind).
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This an interesting view and does have some merit as I’ve had a dear friend go through a divorce and annulment. The biggest thing that helped her were the emails and documentation she had kept so there is value there in some cases. Prayers continue. I wi be starting g school tomorrow but although posts won’t be frequent
I will pray.
Mlz
 
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