husband says polygamy is a good thing

[severus68]

Since this polygamy / overt interest in other specific women is a recent thing leads me to believe it is just a symptom of an underlying issue: he is no longer attracted to you and is overplaying his hand by trying to instill some fear/dread to get you working out / losing weight and looking better.

Solution: Hit the gym / dress nicely / act more feminine / etc.

There may be an issue but it is his. He has no right to instill any fear in her but should be supporting his pregnant wife, physically and emotionally. Note that she is attractive enough for him to get her pregnant.

Your “solution” advice is to make the wife a puppet, to be manipulated, dancing along to her husband’s wants.

 

[Xantippe]

Trying to scare a heavily PREGNANT wife into working out and losing weight is a pretty weird, selfish, stupid thing to do, even if he’s just bluffing.

Another issue that occurs to me is that if he has gone beyond talk, he may be endangering his wife’s and his unborn baby’s health with heaven knows what kind of sexually-transmitted crud. If that is a possibility, it would be very unwise for the OP to be sexually intimate with him until she figures out what is going on.

 

[SHANTARAM]

She doesn’t need to improve her looks to deserve respect and support from her husband.

It is next to impossible to respect someone who does not respect themselves. And for men love follows respect.

You need to respect yourself by letting him know you find this behavior unacceptable, but you must also start showing some self-respect by getting into shape, dressing nicely, there is zero reason to present yourself to the world as an overweight slob, it is a slap to your and your husband’s face.

And he is most likely comparing her not to other women, but to the woman he married. Yeah you cannot win the battle against aging, pregnancies, but you better be fighting.

Yeah, I get it, she is pregnant, had kids, etc. but that is nothing more than excuses, you can exercise and eat properly while pregnant.

 

[Xantippe]

“And he is most likely comparing her not to other women, but to the woman he married. Yeah you cannot win the battle against aging, pregnancies, but you better be fighting.”

He has explicitly been pining after the 20-something at work. You bet your boots he’s comparing her to other women.

“Yeah, I get it, she is pregnant, had kids, etc. but that is nothing more than excuses, you can exercise and eat properly while pregnant.”

She’s a heavily pregnant woman–what is she supposed to do right now when he’s criticizing her for being fat? It doesn’t matter how you “eat properly” when you’re already 7 months pregnant–no one is going to be mistaking you for a runway model.

What kind of guy doesn’t give his wife a few months postpartum recovery time before picking on her because of her weight?

Furthermore, what is this business about being able to exercise while pregnant? I’m about the same age as the OP, but even having been through fewer pregnancies, when I was last pregnant, just standing up or taking a few steps or going up a few stairs was a major ordeal in that last trimester (particularly after the sciatica hit).

There is no excuse for what the OP’s husband is doing, not even if the OP is a 400-pound Jabba the Hutt lookalike who gets around in a motorized scooter (which I suspect she isn’t, given the frequency of her pregnancies).

 

[Prodigal_Son]

It is next to impossible to respect someone who does not respect themselves. And for men love follows respect.

You need to respect yourself by letting him know you find this behavior unacceptable, but you must also start showing some self-respect by getting into shape, dressing nicely, there is zero reason to present yourself to the world as an overweight slob, it is a slap to your and your husband’s face.

And he is most likely comparing her not to other women, but to the woman he married. Yeah you cannot win the battle against aging, pregnancies, but you better be fighting.

Yeah, I get it, she is pregnant, had kids, etc. but that is nothing more than excuses, you can exercise and eat properly while pregnant.

She IS the woman he married. He committed to her.

It would be good for him to help her respect herself, for her sake. But it is pure sin for him to try and change her, so that she will be more attractive to him. Imagine a father trying to change his daughter’s appearance – not for her sake, but so that she will make the family look better in the family pictures. Isn’t this obviously wrong?

 

[Gullveig]

You need to respect yourself by letting him know you find this behavior unacceptable, but you must also start showing some self-respect by getting into shape, dressing nicely, there is zero reason to present yourself to the world as an overweight slob, it is a slap to your and your husband’s face.

Since this polygamy / overt interest in other specific women is a recent thing leads me to believe it is just a symptom of an underlying issue: he is no longer attracted to you and is overplaying his hand by trying to instill some fear/dread to get you working out / losing weight and looking better.

Solution: Hit the gym / dress nicely / act more feminine / etc.

lolwut? OP’s husband is (from the sound of it, purposefully) emotionally torturing a heavily pregnant woman and acting like a gigantic cad, and your response is that she should dress better and act more feminine? First, you can never pacify an abuser. When the mood strikes them, they will always find another bone of contention because the ultimate problem is inside their own head and resides within their need to displace their narcissistic frustration onto other people. It’s not his fault that he doesn’t want to honor the marital promises he made to his wife once something “better” comes along. It’s his wife’s fault, because she’s overweight (from bearing 5 of his children, no less). And so on and so forth. Even if you could pacify an abuser, you shouldn’t. It just re-enforces the abusive behavior, because it tells them that all they have to do to get what they want is to behave badly. Second, let’s not make assumptions about the OP. We don’t even know what is meant by “overweight” here. She could be 30lbs overweight or she could be morbidly obese. Overweight != slob or poorly dressed or un-“feminine”, and clearly OP’s husband is still okay with her looks to the point that he’s willing to have sex with her. It’s both possible that she could probably stand to lose a few pounds AND that he has unrealistic expectations of how she should look.

Anyway, OP, there are some really serious warning signs in what you’ve written. His statement about going to therapy is very telling and that sounds an awful lot like a defense mechanism to save himself the insult of having an independent professional verify that he needs to get his act together and not be such a jerk. Marital problems are rarely due to just one person in the relationship, so it’s good to take stock of yourself, too, and think about whether there are things you could do differently, but there is no excuse for some of your husband’s current behavior. Honestly, it sounds like he needs some sort of mental health counseling himself just in general. The best thing you could do would be to consult a legal professional, your priest or whoever you feel would be able to help you deal with this from a religious angle, and a good therapist. You can’t change his behavior, but you can protect yourself and your kids from his dysfunction and that’s what your main concern should be. In the meantime, even though it’s hard and you’ve got hormone soup running through your veins, try not to give him the satisfaction of seeing you upset over his behavior. In a weird way, it rewards his poor behavior and it makes it easier for him to find what buttons to push in the future. And don’t trust him. Anyone who insists that you trust them when they’re giving you every reason not to is the last person who deserves your trust.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Some of you already know me, I’ve been married for 10 years to the same man (our only marriage) and am around 31 weeks pregnant with our 5th child. Anyway my anti-Catholic Anglican husband lost his Christian faith entirely just after Easter this year. He has since told me that after 7 years of being overweight (we have a 10, 4, going to be 3, and 1 year old and I’m pregnant with #5) that he’s fed up with my weight. He says he loves me, and wants to be with me always but in an argument spewed out that he thinks polygamy is a good thing (he’s been making comments favorable to polygamy for the past 8 or so months) and threw the name of some woman (the boss’s daughter) who he works with. I was devastated. I’m not only overweight, but I’m nearly 38 years old and she’s rich, late 20’s, and “sweet/nice”-his words. She supposedly doesn’t know how he feels and has only had work related/one personal conversation with him about me being pregnant. He claims that he gets a vibe from her that she likes him too. I cried and cried and am still crying over this. He told me this first in July around the 2nd. He apologized for hurting me and said that he would drop it and it was “over” (his polygamous minded things towards her) but just yesterday in another fight he tells me that “the lady I like at work” (noticed not past tense) and I said “like?” and he said very matter of factly “yes I do” and that real monogamy is to see and like others around you and choose one person to be with and that he has no intention of going after her because I disapprove and it would upset me.

AM I NUTS OR DOES THAT SOUND LIKE “I like her still as much as before and still think polygamy is a good thing but I chose you and will be faithful to you and you should be happy with that and trust me.” He claims that he can’t just “shut it off” and that it’s normal to be attracted to other women and even to “like” them (in a way he likes his wife) but that real monogamy is to choose one person and be with them. I feel like I’m getting scraps. I want my husband’s heart and want him to love only me and “like” only me. He thinks that’s not healthy and or realistic. He just shrugs his shoulders and throws up his hands and says “what do you want from me? What do you want me to do? I can only tell you how I feel and let my actions speak for themselves.”

I feel like he’s going to cheat on me and really still wants to but can’t (yet) from some sense of childhood trauma/morals that he doesn’t want to be like his mother for cheating and leaving his dad and brother and sisters. He’s told me that polygamy isn’t cheating. I reminded him OVER AND OVER AGAIN THAT HIS VOWS WERE MONOGAMOUS VOWS…he said that means nothing to him in that that’s not going to make him do what’s right but his sense of right and wrong that he doesn’t want to be a jerk to me.

How long though until he doesn’t care about wanting to hurt me? How long???

I told him just 10 min. ago bawling that what he said is cruel and that his polygamous comments and those comments about that woman were devastating to me. (again I got the shrug and hands thrown up) He said I can only tell you what I have and you need to trust me. He thinks his “honesty” was a good thing that being secretive is worse. But now I feel like I can’t trust him at all. That he will never love me the way I deserve to be loved me and me alone. He says that’s Hollywood romance love. Not real love. He’s told me that “since I worship YHWH”-his words that I shouldn’t have a problem with polygamy since David and Solomon did it. (he thinks Jesus was a false prophet)

comments please…

PS I’ve suggested counseling but he said that, “150$ an hour to argue is worthless and I don’t think any counselor will see it your way which is why you want to go.” He also cannot stand the Catholic Church still (even though he’s agnostic) and is super hostile to me even being Christian anymore. I don’t want a divorce but I’m wondering when the bomb is finally going to drop. (when my feelings won’t be enough to stop his lust)

You husband sounds like a disrespectful jerk.

1. Polygamy is an offense against women.
2. What state is his body in and even if he did manage to convince this younger lady to enter into a relationship with him…when happens when she ages as well will he try and trade her in too.
   If it were me I’d tell him if that is what he really wants to get walking and not to forget to close the door behind him. Frankly I think he’s deluding himself if he thinks this rich sweet girl will have anything to do with him. But then men have a tendency to believe they are more attractive then they are.

 

[The_Bucket]

What kind of guy doesn’t give his wife a few months postpartum recovery time before picking on her because of her weight?

What kind of husband picks on his wife about her weight AT ALL? He can express concern that she’s unhealthy if that is indeed the case, but women are aware of how they look and feel. If they are overweight, they know it. They don’t need their husbands to chime in.

Furthermore, what is this business about being able to exercise while pregnant? I’m about the same age as the OP, but even having been through fewer pregnancies, when I was last pregnant, just standing up or taking a few steps or going up a few stairs was a major ordeal in that last trimester (particularly after the sciatica hit).

Barring any medical issues, women can exercise fine throughout pregnancy, though should be careful to follow their doctors’ advice especially when it comes to weightlifting, deep bends, that kind of thing.

The only reason I ever suggested a workout program is because it might help her. It might clear up her own insecurity issue at least to some degree so she can see more clearly how her husband is treating her. As others have said, you can’t placate an abuser. But say she whips herself into shape or even makes good progress… her brain will start telling her that she’s doing a good job and will make a dent in the feelings of insecurity or that she “deserves” to be berated for her weight. Increased confidence and better physical health will lead to improved mental health. And she clearly needs all the help she can get because her husband is a detriment to her mental health right now.

 

[erine]

Wow I am so sorry I wish I could hug you. That is some cross. Give the cross to Jesus maybe offer it for your husband’s conversion. but I’m not saying that to be trite just any little thing that helps. I am going to pray Jesus can be your heavenly spouse in all this and praying to St. Rita for this impossible case, to St. Elizabeth of Portugal and St. Monica who had husbands that were not nice but prayed and prayed and St. Monica’s converted.

 

[severus68]

It is next to impossible to respect someone who does not respect themselves. And for men love follows respect.

You need to respect yourself by letting him know you find this behavior unacceptable, but you must also start showing some self-respect by getting into shape, dressing nicely, there is zero reason to present yourself to the world as an overweight slob, it is a slap to your and your husband’s face.

And he is most likely comparing her not to other women, but to the woman he married. Yeah you cannot win the battle against aging, pregnancies, but you better be fighting.

Yeah, I get it, she is pregnant, had kids, etc. but that is nothing more than excuses, you can exercise and eat properly while pregnant.

Being pregnant, having kids to look after are excuses? You appear to be saying that her husband does not love her because he does not respect her. From what the OP has said, her husband does not deserve respect. He made vows which he is not keeping to. He is cruel to her, not caring about her pregnancy. I certainly do not think her pregnancy was by immaculate conception so was he using her as an object when he made her pregnant since you say as a man he does not love her because he does not/cannot respect her?

Your post is so wrong in so many ways.

 

[Xantippe]

“Barring any medical issues, women can exercise fine throughout pregnancy, though should be careful to follow their doctors’ advice especially when it comes to weightlifting, deep bends, that kind of thing.”

Depends how you define “exercise.” When I was last as pregnant as the OP, I stopped being able to raise my feet barely at all, to the point that it was a real struggle to be able to put on pants in the morning. There are some changes in the pelvis during pregnancy (perhaps from having a baby’s head pressed down hard) that often lead to not being able to manage more than a slow shuffle.

 

[defenderoftruth]

I’m 5"3 and 216 when not pregnant or nursing I should be 125 or 130. I have to be honest let myself go out of selfishness and depression. I have little if any friends that aren’t on FB (because they moved out of state). I apologized to him, I know that bothers him and I am fully intending on fixing this after our son is born. He after talking to me has profusely apologized but at the same time admits when we have fights or this chick is in his presence a bunch on any given work day he finds himself fantasizing about sex with her. He told me that he will avoid her and do all that he can to stop fantasizing. He said he realizes that he could not afford to support another woman or house her (our house fit just us and the kids) that if I sent her a message on FB (I’ve seen her picture on there) that he would lose his job. (because her parents wouldn’t be impressed since the mother (boss’s wife) made some comment on how great us having several children is. He says he’s sorry almost daily and says he wants it to be over and will do all that he can to put it out of his mind. I personally find that hard when he works with her. We do have a good sex life btw, we have sex often and he makes sure to tell me how much he enjoys himself. He said there is never a time he wants to be without me and he is NEVER LEAVING-his words. He said he’d be devastated if I left with the kids or if he were ever without me and or the kids for some stupid decision he made/makes.

I want to trust him and I have asked him to have faith in me to change my lazy overweight ways and love me through my weightloss journey. I was 130 when we met. I am not that skinny chick anymore but I want to be. He wants me to go camping, hiking, hunting, and sit next to him while he reads his hunting magazine to me on the couch. I don’t want to quit and I’ve made clear to him I won’t. I won’t be the cause of any seperation or divorce I will only be the victim of it-I said this the other night when he admitted he has fantasized sexually about her. He doesn’t even know her either. He has no idea if she’s liberal, pro-abort etc. (he’s a HUGE pro-lifer against abortion in the strongest terms, pro-second amendment, pro-hunting, anti-gay, etc.) I can only love him and try to be the wife he wants me to be. That is all I can do and don’t want my children in a broken home, something I won’t be the cause of. I want to be healthy and happy-which is why he says he rails about my weight and my negativeness. He admits that his comments have not helped the situation about my self esteem and has apologized. I love him dearly more than anything on earth and I told him I will prove it to him by becoming the wife he married.

 

[EasterJoy]

It is next to impossible to respect someone who does not respect themselves. And for men love follows respect.

You need to respect yourself by letting him know you find this behavior unacceptable, but you must also start showing some self-respect by getting into shape, dressing nicely, there is zero reason to present yourself to the world as an overweight slob, it is a slap to your and your husband’s face.

And he is most likely comparing her not to other women, but to the woman he married. Yeah you cannot win the battle against aging, pregnancies, but you better be fighting.

Yeah, I get it, she is pregnant, had kids, etc. but that is nothing more than excuses, you can exercise and eat properly while pregnant.

It is a slap* in one’s own face* to be overweight or to fail to dress nicely? People who are not fighting to be fit do not deserve to be shown respect, as it is “next to impossible” to respect someone who has gained too much weight, since that is sure evidence that they lack self-respect? Oh really? In what section of the Catechism did you find that?

No, sir, you do not even remotely “get it”. Heaven forbid that someone with your attitude become a husband and father, because you don’t even know what is and is not worthy of respect, nor what marriage entails. You certainly haven’t the slightest idea what kind of attitude in a husband will help a wife who has an health issues with regards to her weight or physical fitness!

A Christian has a responsibility to take care of his or her body, but gains respect by his or her character, by his or her respect for God and neighbor, not by how they “keep themselves up” on the outside. A person who needs to increase their physical fitness and lose weight will do so with the help of people who respect and support them in practical ways towards that end before, not after, they reach their goals. People who do not have the generosity of heart to show respect towards others who have not reached or even embarked upon all those goals have nothing to offer towards that end. No one trying to lose weight is ever going to turn to you for help, and none of them wants to hear what is going to come out of your mouth. If you have nothing helpful to say, just be quiet. If you were to say anything like what you’re posting to someone who does need to lose weight, you are only going to make matters worse. If you don’t believe me, look at the research. Bad-mouthing your wife will not a good marriage nor a fitness buff make.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m 5"3 and 216 when not pregnant or nursing I should be 125 or 130. I have to be honest let myself go out of selfishness and depression. I have little if any friends that aren’t on FB (because they moved out of state). I apologized to him, I know that bothers him and I am fully intending on fixing this after our son is born. He after talking to me has profusely apologized but at the same time admits when we have fights or this chick is in his presence a bunch on any given work day he finds himself fantasizing about sex with her. He told me that he will avoid her and do all that he can to stop fantasizing. He said he realizes that he could not afford to support another woman or house her (our house fit just us and the kids) that if I sent her a message on FB (I’ve seen her picture on there) that he would lose his job. (because her parents wouldn’t be impressed since the mother (boss’s wife) made some comment on how great us having several children is. He says he’s sorry almost daily and says he wants it to be over and will do all that he can to put it out of his mind. I personally find that hard when he works with her. We do have a good sex life btw, we have sex often and he makes sure to tell me how much he enjoys himself. He said there is never a time he wants to be without me and he is NEVER LEAVING-his words. He said he’d be devastated if I left with the kids or if he were ever without me and or the kids for some stupid decision he made/makes.

I want to trust him and I have asked him to have faith in me to change my lazy overweight ways and love me through my weightloss journey. I was 130 when we met. I am not that skinny chick anymore but I want to be. He wants me to go camping, hiking, hunting, and sit next to him while he reads his hunting magazine to me on the couch. I don’t want to quit and I’ve made clear to him I won’t. I won’t be the cause of any seperation or divorce I will only be the victim of it-I said this the other night when he admitted he has fantasized sexually about her. He doesn’t even know her either. He has no idea if she’s liberal, pro-abort etc. (he’s a HUGE pro-lifer against abortion in the strongest terms, pro-second amendment, pro-hunting, anti-gay, etc.) I can only love him and try to be the wife he wants me to be. That is all I can do and don’t want my children in a broken home, something I won’t be the cause of. I want to be healthy and happy-which is why he says he rails about my weight and my negativeness. He admits that his comments have not helped the situation about my self esteem and has apologized. I love him dearly more than anything on earth and I told him I will prove it to him by becoming the wife he married.

He’s sorry because he “couldn’t afford” to support both you and her? Oh, good grief…he’s imagining that if he were rich enough, it would be OK to do what he’s doing? Well, at least he’s finding some way to talk himself out of bad behavior. Not the greatest, but he’s trying.

You are the woman he married. That’s the woman who will get you in the shape you want to be in, the one who herself, even if God forbid her husband got killed in a car accident tomorrow, would want to be able to do all the things that she used to be able to do.

Get in shape in order to be able to be the best version of yourself and in order to share married life with your husband as fully as possible, for both of your sakes, but don’t imagine that you’re not yourself until you do or that you would deserve to be divorced if you don’t succeed. Rather, realize that you yourself are worthy of self care and all the benefits you will realize by your hard work and self-denial. You can do it, but do it because you’re worth it now, not because you won’t be worth it until you do. The former attitude leads to success; the latter does not.

Besides, you and your husband are both going to enjoy being around you a lot more if you start by being positive about yourself now. You don’t have to be out on a track or on an aerobic machine now to start. Do the little things you can do, even if it is walking around for 3-4 minutes more over a day’s time than you otherwise would, and give yourself credit for any little way in which you can push yourself a little. It is the habit of pushing yourself and feeling good about it that you can work on right now…and give yourself credit for what you DO, not for what you don’t or can’t do yet. It is the positive that feeds on the positive; the negative just kills ambition and hope.

 

[Xantippe]

“I’m 5"3 and 216 when not pregnant or nursing I should be 125 or 130. I have to be honest let myself go out of selfishness and depression. I have little if any friends that aren’t on FB (because they moved out of state). I apologized to him, I know that bothers him and I am fully intending on fixing this after our son is born.”

Good. Does your husband understand that this will involve him and a fairly major reinvestment of family resources? He needs to block out time for you to exercise by yourself (and not when you’re half-dead from exhaustion in the late evening), he needs to set a good example to you with regard to food, and when he’s around the house, he needs to take the kids so that you can fix yourself a nice salad for lunch and eat in peace. If you go out to eat, it needs to be a place that serves stuff that will be good for you. Furthermore, you need money blocked out for the gym or Weight Watchers or a dietitian and you need a clothing budget so that when you lose weight, you can buy pretty clothes that fit with no griping from him about how much all of this is costing (he doesn’t see cute co-workers clothing and makeup bills–you better believe cute coworker spends a bundle on herself). You will probably wind up spending quite a bit more on groceries, ironically, when you start buying more nice produce. If this is actually important to your husband, he needs to put his time and money where his mouth is.

I’m pretty much exactly your height and your age. Thanks to the inspiration provided by a bout of gestational diabetes last year, I’ve gone from a pre-pregnancy 240 (and a pregnancy high of 252) to 213 pounds, which is roughly where you are today, but the last time I was your original weight, I was probably in my early teens. I’m weaning right now, which is an obstacle, but I fully intend to keep losing weight. Here’s a blog post I wrote about a year ago, when I was a gestational diabetic, keeping a diet for the first time in my entire life:

xantippesblog.blogspot.com/2012/09/gestational-diabetes.html

I also like the Weight Watchers book “Start Living, Start Losing,” which is a book of inspiring stories by people who have successfully lost and kept off weight.

Don’t worry about this right now, but make some plans for after your doctor clears you at your 6-week apt. Your doctor should have some ideas.

 

[defenderoftruth]

“I’m 5"3 and 216 when not pregnant or nursing I should be 125 or 130. I have to be honest let myself go out of selfishness and depression. I have little if any friends that aren’t on FB (because they moved out of state). I apologized to him, I know that bothers him and I am fully intending on fixing this after our son is born.”

Good. Does your husband understand that this will involve him and a fairly major reinvestment of family resources? He needs to block out time for you to exercise by yourself (and not when you’re half-dead from exhaustion in the late evening), he needs to set a good example to you with regard to food, and when he’s around the house, he needs to take the kids so that you can fix yourself a nice salad for lunch and eat in peace. If you go out to eat, it needs to be a place that serves stuff that will be good for you. Furthermore, you need money blocked out for the gym or Weight Watchers or a dietitian and you need a clothing budget so that when you lose weight, you can buy pretty clothes that fit with no griping from him about how much all of this is costing (he doesn’t see cute co-workers clothing and makeup bills–you better believe cute coworker spends a bundle on herself). You will probably wind up spending quite a bit more on groceries, ironically, when you start buying more nice produce. If this is actually important to your husband, he needs to put his time and money where his mouth is.

I’m pretty much exactly your height and your age. Thanks to the inspiration provided by a bout of gestational diabetes last year, I’ve gone from a pre-pregnancy 240 (and a pregnancy high of 252) to 213 pounds, which is roughly where you are today, but the last time I was your original weight, I was probably in my early teens. I’m weaning right now, which is an obstacle, but I fully intend to keep losing weight. Here’s a blog post I wrote about a year ago, when I was a gestational diabetic, keeping a diet for the first time in my entire life:

xantippesblog.blogspot.com/2012/09/gestational-diabetes.html

I also like the Weight Watchers book “Start Living, Start Losing,” which is a book of inspiring stories by people who have successfully lost and kept off weight.

Don’t worry about this right now, but make some plans for after your doctor clears you at your 6-week apt. Your doctor should have some ideas.

I have gestational diabetes right now this is the first pregnancy where it happened. I workout (walk) on the treadmill for 10 min after each meal on 2.5 speed and no incline (because I’m a waddler now) but I eat healthier already because of this…my husband started by saying this like, “well it’s too bad it took you to get gestational diabetes before you’d do something about your health”…I agree I feel very guilty about that. I’m determined to turn over a new leaf, for me, my kids and him.

 

[Xantippe]

“He said he realizes that he could not afford to support another woman or house her (our house fit just us and the kids) that if I sent her a message on FB (I’ve seen her picture on there) that he would lose his job. (because her parents wouldn’t be impressed since the mother (boss’s wife) made some comment on how great us having several children is. He says he’s sorry almost daily and says he wants it to be over and will do all that he can to put it out of his mind. I personally find that hard when he works with her.”

Can he find an accountability partner? You really don’t want to hear this stuff, I’m sure.

Also, start making plans for him to work elsewhere. There are women elsewhere, but it will be good for him to get a fresh start.

“We do have a good sex life btw, we have sex often and he makes sure to tell me how much he enjoys himself. He said there is never a time he wants to be without me and he is NEVER LEAVING-his words. He said he’d be devastated if I left with the kids or if he were ever without me and or the kids for some stupid decision he made/makes.”

Good. He does realize, doesn’t he, that having a wife who thinks she’s a fat, unattractive beast is a fast track to marital Antarctica? Does he realize how many women just stop having sex with their husbands with a fraction of the provocation he’s given you?

“I was 130 when we met. I am not that skinny chick anymore but I want to be.”

He isn’t exactly the same weight he is when you met, is he?

“He wants me to go camping, hiking, hunting, and sit next to him while he reads his hunting magazine to me on the couch.”

That’s sweet.

“He doesn’t even know her either.”

Thought so.

“I can only love him and try to be the wife he wants me to be. That is all I can do and don’t want my children in a broken home, something I won’t be the cause of. I want to be healthy and happy-which is why he says he rails about my weight and my negativeness.”

Negatively. Nobody has ever been bullied into successful weight loss or cheerfulness.

“He admits that his comments have not helped the situation about my self esteem and has apologized.”

Good.

“I love him dearly more than anything on earth and I told him I will prove it to him by becoming the wife he married.”

Just not killing him in his sleep is proof enough, I think.

You’re 10 years older and a mother of 5. What you are promising is literally impossible, even with a time machine.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have gestational diabetes right now this is the first pregnancy where it happened. I workout (walk) on the treadmill for 10 min after each meal on 2.5 speed and no incline (because I’m a waddler now) but I eat healthier already because of this…my husband started by saying this like, “well it’s too bad it took you to get gestational diabetes before you’d do something about your health”…I agree I feel very guilty about that. I’m determined to turn over a new leaf, for me, my kids and him.

Yeah, it is too bad that this is what it takes, but you might also see that at least for you, this was enough. For some, not even a diabetes diagnosis prompts them to make a change. You’re changing, that is the main thing! At least this did it for you!

Here is what I told the kids when I taught them about confession: Guilt is like a smoke alarm in your conscience. Its function is to prompt you to look at whether or not you need to avoid something or repent from something. Once you’ve either a) concluded that you’ve done nothing wrong or b) repented and made a firm purpose to confess and amend, you ought to turn it off. A blaring sense of guilt does not help you amend any more than a blaring smoke alarm helps you to put out a fire!

If this were a fire, you would try to stay calm and put out the fire. It would help if someone would turn off the alarm, right? Just so it will help you to put your best into your program if you see your sense of guilt or regret as something that was useful to help you get going but not useful to help you keep going. Keep your mind on your goal and what you need to do, not on past choices that could have kept you from having to do it. Those latter thoughts only slow you down!

This isn’t just self-care…it is a very practical way of looking for the best way to reach your goal. Let go of guilt, except when it is there to tell you that you are off track in what you are doing or failing to do right now. Guilt over past acts just slows you down.

 

[Xantippe]

“I have gestational diabetes right now this is the first pregnancy where it happened. I workout (walk) on the treadmill for 10 min after each meal on 2.5 speed and no incline (because I’m a waddler now) but I eat healthier already because of this…”

Very good. When I had it, I was pretty much immobilized by pregnancy, so I did it entirely on diet. I once lost three pounds between prenatal visits, which was bizarre. I wound up gaining a net total of only 12 pounds during that pregnancy, after having gained 38 and 50 during previous pregnancies. The baby was 9 pounds at 39 weeks, too, so it was a very good thing I didn’t gain a pound more than that (a previous baby had been over 10 pounds, without gestational diabetes being involved).

“my husband started by saying this like, “well it’s too bad it took you to get gestational diabetes before you’d do something about your health”…I agree I feel very guilty about that. I’m determined to turn over a new leaf, for me, my kids and him.”

Holy cow! That’s a really jerkish thing to say when you are actually exerting yourself. Has he ever heard of positive reinforcement? When people do the right thing, you’re supposed to encourage them.

The truth is, a lot of people who are successful with weight loss only change their lifestyles after a big medical scare–heart trouble, diabetes, cancer, you name it. There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you are doing the right thing right now, which it very much sounds like you are.

If you can’t get your husband to a marriage counselor, see if you can get him to read Karen Pryor’s Don’t Shoot the Dog with you. It’s a book about positive reinforcement, both when dealing with animals and with people. There are a lot of interesting animal stories in there that an outdoorsy guy like your husband might appreciate.

 

[Xantippe]

“For some, not even a diabetes diagnosis prompts them to make a change.”

Very, very true.