husband says polygamy is a good thing

[defenderoftruth]

“He said he realizes that he could not afford to support another woman or house her (our house fit just us and the kids) that if I sent her a message on FB (I’ve seen her picture on there) that he would lose his job. (because her parents wouldn’t be impressed since the mother (boss’s wife) made some comment on how great us having several children is. He says he’s sorry almost daily and says he wants it to be over and will do all that he can to put it out of his mind. I personally find that hard when he works with her.”

Can he find an accountability partner? You really don’t want to hear this stuff, I’m sure.

Also, start making plans for him to work elsewhere. There are women elsewhere, but it will be good for him to get a fresh start.

“We do have a good sex life btw, we have sex often and he makes sure to tell me how much he enjoys himself. He said there is never a time he wants to be without me and he is NEVER LEAVING-his words. He said he’d be devastated if I left with the kids or if he were ever without me and or the kids for some stupid decision he made/makes.”

Good. He does realize, doesn’t he, that having a wife who thinks she’s a fat, unattractive beast is a fast track to marital Antarctica? Does he realize how many women just stop having sex with their husbands with a fraction of the provocation he’s given you?

“I was 130 when we met. I am not that skinny chick anymore but I want to be.”

He isn’t exactly the same weight he is when you met, is he?

“He wants me to go camping, hiking, hunting, and sit next to him while he reads his hunting magazine to me on the couch.”

That’s sweet.

“He doesn’t even know her either.”

Thought so.

“I can only love him and try to be the wife he wants me to be. That is all I can do and don’t want my children in a broken home, something I won’t be the cause of. I want to be healthy and happy-which is why he says he rails about my weight and my negativeness.”

Negatively. Nobody has ever been bullied into successful weight loss or cheerfulness.

“He admits that his comments have not helped the situation about my self esteem and has apologized.”

Good.

“I love him dearly more than anything on earth and I told him I will prove it to him by becoming the wife he married.”

Just not killing him in his sleep is proof enough, I think.

You’re 10 years older and a mother of 5. What you are promising is literally impossible, even with a time machine.

I realize I’m 10 years older and 5 kids later but I think going down to 130 is possible and very attainable if I put more than a little effort into it. I won’t stop until I’m happy with myself and 130 would start to make me very happy although I’d like to get to 125. I’ve seen others do it why can’t I? I have my sisters (one of which is very supportive and she said she’s going to help me out with this (she’s pretty thin already but was a big girl once too from pregnancy/lack of exercise).

 

[Xantippe]

You can get back to 130 pounds (many people have done it), but you can’t literally become the person you were 10 years ago. That’s what I meant.

 

[defenderoftruth]

btw he was overly skinny when we met like 165 at 6"3 now he’s 200 pounds and look’n good. (he plays soccer, rides his bike, goes jogging at the track etc.-he takes my 10 year old daughter with him for those activities since I got the toddlers/will have the baby)

 

[EasterJoy]

I realize I’m 10 years older and 5 kids later but I think going down to 130 is possible and very attainable if I put more than a little effort into it. I won’t stop until I’m happy with myself and 130 would start to make me very happy although I’d like to get to 125. I’ve seen others do it why can’t I? I have my sisters (one of which is very supportive and she said she’s going to help me out with this (she’s pretty thin already but was a big girl once too from pregnancy/lack of exercise).

Who have you seen losing that kind of weight with the attitude that “I won’t stop until I’m happy with myself and 130 would start to make me very happy although I’d like to get to 125.” Did your sister really lose weight with the attitude that she was going to start liking herself after she lost weight? Statistically speaking, that isn’t a good strategy, nor is looking at this goal as something that is going to take “more than a little effort”. You are going to succeed where many others fail, and that takes a big sustained effort. I remind you this so that you will not beat yourself up if you find your efforts need to be shored up. You’re asking yourself to do a big thing. You can do it, but don’t make it out to be a molehill when you’re setting out to climb a mountain. It’s a mountain, but it is one you can climb by treating it as a mountain and seeing yourself as a mountain climber.

Your sister would seem to be an excellent candidate to help you through the ups and downs of reaching the goal you have set for yourself. Still, don’t let her be the definition of your goal. If it doesn’t work out with her, then save your relationship with your sister and find a different coach. It is a mountain, but you are going to do it by believing that you have what it takes right now. If you have that resolve, you can be happy with it right now!

 

[Prodigal_Son]

If he doesn’t love you at 215 pounds, he’s not going to love you at 130. Your motivation for losing weight appears, to me, to be all wrong.

 

[Xantippe]

Easter Joy said:

“Statistically speaking, that isn’t a good strategy, nor is looking at this goal as something that is going to take “more than a little effort”. You are going to succeed where many others fail, and that takes a big sustained effort. I remind you this so that you will not beat yourself up if you find your efforts need to be shored up. You’re asking yourself to do a big thing. You can do it, but don’t make it out to be a molehill when you’re setting out to climb a mountain. It’s a mountain, but it is one you can climb by treating it as a mountain and seeing yourself as a mountain climber.”

That’s right. Even the weight I’ve lost (27 pounds in about 19 months–with a pregnancy along the way) required psychotic effort and focus. For me, just sticking to the gestational diabetes diet was the equivalent of a part-time job, at least.

You can’t kinda sorta do this.

“Your sister would seem to be an excellent candidate to help you through the ups and downs of reaching the goal you have set for yourself.”

Yes. I personally find it comforting to think of the fact that my sister is fit (but she wasn’t always), my grandma has always been thin, and my mom keeps her weight under control (and I know what it takes them to do that and how hard they work at it). It would be much more worrying if none of my close female relatives were a size I would aspire to, or if none of them had ever struggled.

defenderoftruth said:

“btw he was overly skinny when we met like 165 at 6"3 now he’s 200 pounds and look’n good. (he plays soccer, rides his bike, goes jogging at the track etc.-he takes my 10 year old daughter with him for those activities since I got the toddlers/will have the baby)”

So, what sacrifices is he prepared to make to help you achieve your goal? It sounds like he has a heck of a lot of leisure time that he is spending on himself.

I know that when I had my gestational diabetes, my husband baked chicken for me so that I would usually have something to put on the salads I had for lunch and every morning, he’d get up and microwave me an egg. Once I’m done weaning the baby, I expect that he will take care of the baby at home in the evening when I go to the gym.

BTW, I suggest a pedometer and a jogging stroller, if you don’t already own them.

I also have a diet and exercise journal with space for charting at the back. I’m already about a third of the way through my second copy. I’m sure you can do the same thing electronically, if you prefer. Practically the first thing I do in the morning is to take my weight and record it in my journal.

Also, here’s a true confession. A few years ago, my dad made a deal with me that he would pay me $25 per pound lost (with documentation from the doctor’s office), up to 50 pounds. So far, I’ve cashed in twice for a total of $500 and I’ve purchased some pants with zippers (!), my pedometer, some weight loss books, a cute new skirt and some lovely Japanese rice and noodle bowls. It’s really nice to have money to spend “selfishly.” Previously, his mom had made him a similar deal, so he was paying it forward.

 

[The_Bucket]

If he doesn’t love you at 215 pounds, he’s not going to love you at 130. Your motivation for losing weight appears, to me, to be all wrong.

I agree. The end result would be a good thing but he needs to make a commitment to actually be a good husband and father. He needs to be there to support you through the weight loss, the baby, the other kids and your depression. And he’s not. That’s why counseling would be a great thing. He needs to turn the spotlight off himself and onto you, OP.

If you’re going to lose the weight to prove to him that you can get out of this funk, he has to prove to you that he can be a decent man.

 

[SHANTARAM]

You’re 10 years older and a mother of 5. What you are promising is literally impossible, even with a time machine.

This is an absurd statement and woefully untrue. It is more than achievable to get back down to 130 lbs. The thing is you are going to have to change, as in fight your ego against the status quo day in and day out. You are the person who eats healthy and exercises, that is the new you, and remind yourself that every time a temptation arises.

If he doesn’t love you at 215 pounds, he’s not going to love you at 130. Your motivation for losing weight appears, to me, to be all wrong.

No, her motivation is right. And what I said is correct: for men love follows respect. If his respect wanes so will his love. We cannot respect those who do not respect themselves. So begin to respect yourself, get in shape, eat healthier, curb the depression, he will begin to find the respect he had for you again and his love will return.
Easter Joy:

It is a slap in one’s own face to be overweight or to fail to dress nicely? People who are not fighting to be fit do not deserve to be shown respect, as it is “next to impossible” to respect someone who has gained too much weight, since that is sure evidence that they lack self-respect? Oh really? In what section of the Catechism did you find that?

No, sir, you do not even remotely “get it”. Heaven forbid that someone with your attitude become a husband and father, because you don’t even know what is and is not worthy of respect, nor what marriage entails. You certainly haven’t the slightest idea what kind of attitude in a husband will help a wife who has an health issues with regards to her weight or physical fitness!

A Christian has a responsibility to take care of his or her body, but gains respect by his or her character, by his or her respect for God and neighbor, not by how they “keep themselves up” on the outside. A person who needs to increase their physical fitness and lose weight will do so with the help of people who respect and support them in practical ways towards that end before, not after, they reach their goals. People who do not have the generosity of heart to show respect towards others who have not reached or even embarked upon all those goals have nothing to offer towards that end. No one trying to lose weight is ever going to turn to you for help, and none of them wants to hear what is going to come out of your mouth. If you have nothing helpful to say, just be quiet. If you were to say anything like what you’re posting to someone who does need to lose weight, you are only going to make matters worse. If you don’t believe me, look at the research. Bad-mouthing your wife will not a good marriage nor a fitness buff make.

Yes self-respect does depend on how they keep themselves up on the outside, this is your cover letter to world, what you show others. Would you bring friends and family into a disorderly, messy home? Of course not. If self-respect is tied to character, then what does that say about someones character who lets themselves become overweight and depressed?

I am slightly confused by the rabid defense of overweight people. You guys come up with a plethora of defenses and excuses they (or even yourself?) can use to assuage their unseemly conditions.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes self-respect does depend on how they keep themselves up on the outside, this is your cover letter to world, what you show others. Would you bring friends and family into a disorderly, messy home? Of course not. If self-respect is tied to character, then what does that say about someones character who lets themselves become overweight and depressed?

I am slightly confused by the rabid defense of overweight people. You guys come up with a plethora of defenses and excuses they (or even yourself?) can use to assuage their unseemly conditions.

You’re not slightly confused. You are utterly lost. Depression betrays a weak character? Go into psychiatry; you’ll never get fat. (No one is telling this dear lady to throw away her hair brush and quit bathing.)

Go do some research. People who lose weight and keep it off do not start off by refusing to extend themselves self-respect. If you prefer a stance that satisfies your sense of righteousness and your need to live so as to impress other people instead of the one that actually works, that’s fine for you. Just do everyone a favor and stay away from anyone who is actually trying to lose weight. Your way has been tried, and it does not work.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

No, her motivation is right. And what I said is correct: for men love follows respect. If his respect wanes so will his love. We cannot respect those who do not respect themselves. So begin to respect yourself, get in shape, eat healthier, curb the depression, he will begin to find the respect he had for you again and his love will return.

People deserve our respect because they are children of God, not because of their actions. If someone lacks self-respect, they will never gain self-respect UNLESS OTHER PEOPLE LOVE THEM FIRST! You cannot pull yourself up by your spiritual bootstraps; you need the help of others.

And no, we cannot control the results of our actions. The OP can go on a diet, but she can’t control whether she actually loses weight. She should not place all her hope in losing almost 100 pounds. That would be silly.

And her husband should not reject her for her appearance, nor for any lack of self-respect she might have. That would be evil.

I am slightly confused by the rabid defense of overweight people. You guys come up with a plethora of defenses and excuses they (or even yourself?) can use to assuage their unseemly conditions.

Um, I’m 5’11, 150 lbs. So yeah, thanks for the accusation, but no, I’m not talking about myself.

 

[Xantippe]

“Would you bring friends and family into a disorderly, messy home? Of course not.”

That’s an interesting way of thinking. Of course, it is better to have a tidy home and have company. But even if one has a disorderly, messy home, one should practice hospitality. It would be very wrong to wait until one had a perfect home to invite friends and family there, because that day is never going to come while human beings live there.

 

[SHANTARAM]

You’re not slightly confused. You are utterly lost. Depression betrays a weak character? Go into psychiatry; you’ll never get fat. (No one is telling this dear lady to throw away her hair brush and quit bathing.)

I am assuming her increased weight (losing self-respect) lead to the depression, in some sort of self-reinforcing cycle.

Go do some research. People who lose weight and keep it off do not start off by refusing to extend themselves self-respect. …

What do you even mean by this, because I never said anything to that nature.

 

[defenderoftruth]

I am assuming her increased weight (losing self-respect) lead to the depression, in some sort of self-reinforcing cycle.

Yep exactly. I get upset I eat, I feel guilty, I get upset I eat. Totally a self defeating cycle.

What do you even mean by this, because I never said anything to that nature.

 

[defenderoftruth]

I have to say this, that since I’ve started on my diabetic diet I only eat what I have to and don’t really enjoy it. I’m able to say no to birthday cake, pie, cookies etc. now too…when before I was so addicted I couldn’t. I feel differently about food and that’s a huge difference in my attitude about losing weight.

I know I’m changing for the better and I’m going to add exercise to that as well. It helps watching weight loss shows too, (like extreme makeover) but the only thing that worries me is the chance I will have hanging skin.

 

[SHANTARAM]

but the only thing that worries me is the chance I will have hanging skin.

Stop asking “how to avoid failure”, but instead “how to succeed.” The problem with worrying about failures is that you eventually travel the path that leads you to not doing anything at all – because then you would have avoided failure – by never starting at all.

 

[EasterJoy]

I am assuming her increased weight (losing self-respect) lead to the depression, in some sort of self-reinforcing cycle.

What do you even mean by this, because I never said anything to that nature.

You are making a lot of assumptions on a topic about which you appear to know next to nothing.

Do you really think that if a woman who has been pregnant five times is overweight or has gone through a post-partum depression, that is a self-respect issue–let alone a character issue!!–and that she wouldn’t have that problem if she’d take care of her appearance better? Did it ever occur to you that the depression comes first, and that nothing whatsoever was done to “deserve” the drop in self-worth and self-care that comes with it?

Do you think that’s why Brooke Shields suffered post-partum depression, because she let herself get so darned unpresentable? Courteney Cox? Gwyneth Paltrow? Lisa Rinna? Did you know that when she had post-partum depression, Bryce Dallas Howard *quit *eating?

As for what you said, it was this:
"*Since this polygamy / overt interest in other specific women is a recent thing leads me to believe it is just a symptom of an underlying issue: he is no longer attracted to you and is overplaying his hand by trying to instill some fear/dread to get you working out / losing weight and looking better.

Solution: Hit the gym / dress nicely / act more feminine / etc*."

and

"*It is next to impossible to respect someone who does not respect themselves. And for men love follows respect.

You need to respect yourself by letting him know you find this behavior unacceptable, but you must also start showing some self-respect by getting into shape, dressing nicely, there is zero reason to present yourself to the world as an overweight slob, it is a slap to your and your husband’s face.

And he is most likely comparing her not to other women, but to the woman he married. Yeah you cannot win the battle against aging, pregnancies, but you better be fighting.

Yeah, I get it, she is pregnant, had kids, etc. but that is nothing more than excuses, you can exercise and eat properly while pregnant*."

Those were shameful things to write to anyone, but especially someone who has already had to listen to the garbage her husband has been dishing out, it is that plain and simple. You don’t know what you are talking about, and you need to learn far more than you know about pregnancy, childbirth and marriage before throwing your two bits in.

 

[Xantippe]

I’d add that just being female, being pregnant, being hormonal, or being post-partum seems to make women vulnerable to depression. I feel like there is a very strong connection between female hormones and depression–hence the interesting fact that women on hormonal birth control often experience depression as a side-effect. (I had the interesting experience of going into depression several weeks after my OB put me on hormonal BC pills to clear up some medical issues. I eventually realized what was happening, begged to be taken off, and the depression literally started lifting within hours of the first missed dose.)

Furthermore, being home and home with a bunch of children also seems to contribute to depression in women. It seems to be an occupational hazard of being an SAHM that I think every SAHM needs to be mindful of.

Here’s a piece from last year:

metroparent.com/Blogs/Views-on-the-News/May-2012/Stay-at-Home-Moms-More-Depressed-Angry-and-Sad-Study/

“The study found that 28 percent of stay-at-home moms reported depression a lot of the day when asked how they were feeling the day before, but only 17 percent of employed moms did. Of the group, 26 percent of SAHMs said they experienced depression, vs. just 16 percent of working moms.”

The SAHMs in the study had over 50% more depression than the WOHMs, which is pretty dramatic.

It would not be at all surprising for there to be a dose effect, namely for the mothers of larger families to be more vulnerable to depression than mothers of smaller families. The more children there are in the family, the harder it is to leave the house even when all is well, the greater the chance of being marooned at home by the illness of one or more children, and the more difficult it is to find congenial similarly sized families to socialize with.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’d add that just being female, being pregnant, being hormonal, or being post-partum seems to make women vulnerable to depression. I feel like there is a very strong connection between female hormones and depression–hence the interesting fact that women on hormonal birth control often experience depression as a side-effect. (I had the interesting experience of going into depression several weeks after my OB put me on hormonal BC pills to clear up some medical issues. I eventually realized what was happening, begged to be taken off, and the depression literally started lifting within hours of the first missed dose.)

Furthermore, being home and home with a bunch of children also seems to contribute to depression in women. It seems to be an occupational hazard of being an SAHM that I think every SAHM needs to be mindful of.

Here’s a piece from last year:

metroparent.com/Blogs/Views-on-the-News/May-2012/Stay-at-Home-Moms-More-Depressed-Angry-and-Sad-Study/

“The study found that 28 percent of stay-at-home moms reported depression a lot of the day when asked how they were feeling the day before, but only 17 percent of employed moms did. Of the group, 26 percent of SAHMs said they experienced depression, vs. just 16 percent of working moms.”

The SAHMs in the study had over 50% more depression than the WOHMs, which is pretty dramatic.

It would not be at all surprising for there to be a dose effect, namely for the mothers of larger families to be more vulnerable to depression than mothers of smaller families. The more children there are in the family, the harder it is to leave the house even when all is well, the greater the chance of being marooned at home by the illness of one or more children, and the more difficult it is to find congenial similarly sized families to socialize with.

This is particularly true if the sleeping schedule of the kids is such that it is difficult for the SAHM to get showered and in “out and about” clothing before their spouse goes off to work. Whether you are a SAHM or a man who is between jobs, losing the habit of getting “ready for work” can lead to a feeling of not being as worthwhile as you are. You can work all day and feel “I’ve done nothing” when you don’t have a “work routine” feel to your day, including the routine of taking care of yourself.

In that sense, clothing does matter, but it is more about how it makes you feel than about impressing anyone else. If you dress for someone else, then you feel bad about yourself if you aren’t looking good; what I’m talking about isn’t a matter of “if I don’t dress well, I don’t have self-respect”. That’s getting it exactly backwards, the tail wagging the dog. If you dress for yourself, then when you aren’t looking good that’s something you feel you have good reason to make a priority. It is “I’m feeling kind of worn down, maybe if I can get a shower and get my hair back in order, I’ll feel better.” If you’re depressed, it doesn’t help to hear “you look awful, have some self-respect, don’t you care what people think?” That makes you feel worse. What helps is “you look like you need to take some time for yourself. Let me watch the kids while you take a shower and fluff your hair; you’ll feel better. You deserve it.” But if that kind of self-care doesn’t help, it is worth it to see a doctor. Sometimes when the wrong chemicals get going in your brain, a shower and a clean blouse just isn’t going to fix it.

 

[SHANTARAM]

You are making a lot of assumptions on a topic about which you appear to know next to nothing.

Do you really think that if a woman who has been pregnant five times is overweight or has gone through a post-partum depression, that is a self-respect issue–let alone a character issue!!–and that she wouldn’t have that problem if she’d take care of her appearance better? Did it ever occur to you that the depression comes first, and that nothing whatsoever was done to “deserve” the drop in self-worth and self-care that comes with it?

Do you think that’s why Brooke Shields suffered post-partum depression, because she let herself get so darned unpresentable? Courteney Cox? Gwyneth Paltrow? Lisa Rinna? Did you know that when she had post-partum depression, Bryce Dallas Howard *quit *eating?

What? Now you are assuming she has postpartum depression? Thanks for that list of celebrities just file it under protecting the ego / excuses / defense mechanism, God forbid anyone try and change themselves for the better, especially their weight.

As for what you said, it was this:
"*Since this polygamy / overt interest in other specific women is a recent thing leads me to believe it is just a symptom of an underlying issue: he is no longer attracted to you and is overplaying his hand by trying to instill some fear/dread to get you working out / losing weight and looking better.

Solution: Hit the gym / dress nicely / act more feminine / etc*."

and

"*It is next to impossible to respect someone who does not respect themselves. And for men love follows respect.

You need to respect yourself by letting him know you find this behavior unacceptable, but you must also start showing some self-respect by getting into shape, dressing nicely, there is zero reason to present yourself to the world as an overweight slob, it is a slap to your and your husband’s face.

And he is most likely comparing her not to other women, but to the woman he married. Yeah you cannot win the battle against aging, pregnancies, but you better be fighting.

Yeah, I get it, she is pregnant, had kids, etc. but that is nothing more than excuses, you can exercise and eat properly while pregnant*."

Those were shameful things to write to anyone, but especially someone who has already had to listen to the garbage her husband has been dishing out, it is that plain and simple. You don’t know what you are talking about, and you need to learn far more than you know about pregnancy, childbirth and marriage before throwing your two bits in.

Shameful? Yeah, I guess slob was a poor choice of word, I lost 5 points, oops, but shameful? I find zero shame in blurting the truth out to you or anyone, I am explaining her husband’s actions and what provoked them and how to fix the problem, I can only dialog with her not the husband.

Like I said earlier posts like these do NOTHING but help solidify the status quo of the original poster or whoever can identify with the original poster (yes, your posts have a blast radius).

 

[PartoftheBody]

“my husband started by saying this like, “well it’s too bad it took you to get gestational diabetes before you’d do something about your health”…I agree I feel very guilty about that. I’m determined to turn over a new leaf, for me, my kids and him.”

Holy cow! That’s a really jerkish thing to say when you are actually exerting yourself. Has he ever heard of positive reinforcement? When people do the right thing, you’re supposed to encourage them…see if you can get him to read Karen Pryor’s Don’t Shoot the Dog with you. It’s a book about positive reinforcement, both when dealing with animals and with people. There are a lot of interesting animal stories in there that an outdoorsy guy like your husband might appreciate.

I have several thought here, as a health professional who works with overweight people, as someone who has survived emotional abuse, and as someone who suffered from depression in the past:

1. As the previous poster said, the way the OP’s husband acknowledged her making healthful changes was not helpful, at best. Something like, “I know you struggled with eating right in the past, so I’m so glad you’re eating better now!” gets the same point across, but is much more positive and encouraging. No sense in bringing up past mistakes unless it’s to learn from them or praise for the change.
   He may not even realize he’s doing it. * My husband used to do this kind of thing. I started making a point of calmly saying, “What you just said was discouraging to me. It would be more helpful if you said [example of positive way] next time…” He eventually got the hang of it.
2. The OP’s being overweight didn’t “cause” her gestational diabetes (GDM). It is a risk factor, but then again, so is her age. See: mayoclinic.com/health/gestational-diabete/DS00316
   I’ve worked with normal weight women with healthy diets who developed GDM and obese women who didn’t.
3. I personally don’t like extreme weight loss shows. They set up unrealistic expectations for those of us in the real world who don’t have the time or resources to devote several hours a day to weight loss. Plus we don’t have access to the close medical supervision required for rapid weight loss without dire health consequences. Slow weight loss (1-2 pounds per week) is not as instantly gratifying, but it decreases the risk for things like gallstones, malnutrition, and sagging skin.
4. I agree with EasterJoy, excessive guilt is doing no good for our OP. She herself admits it perpetuates the cycle of not taking care of herself. Try using those feelings of guilt as an agent of change. When those feeling of remorse for past mistakes come up, forgive yourself, because you did the best you could with the situation and emotional resources you had at the time, then focus on specific things will do differently in the future.

Finally, for SHANTARAM:
-Please do yourself a favor and get more information from reputable sources about obesity and depression.
-The causes of obesity are varied and complex. To entirely attribute obesity to weak character is reductionistic, at best.
-Depression (the clinical diagnosis, not to be confused with “being mopey” or “having a negative attitude”) is no more a choice, excuse, or character flaw than asthma or pneumonia is. Would you tell someone who has an asthma attacks after running that they are lazy and out of shape? That they need to suck it up and run more often?*