husband says polygamy is a good thing

[k5rakitan]

I think that times are changing. I’m curious, though. Are some of us just saying that monogamy is the way to go because that’s what we’ve been taught all our lives, or what do people really think?

Anyway, here’s a little survey on the topic: surveymonkey.com/s/RXF5V2Z

 

[Xantippe]

“I personally don’t like extreme weight loss shows. They set up unrealistic expectations for those of us in the real world who don’t have the time or resources to devote several hours a day to weight loss.”

I caught a few minutes of one of those programs recently online. There was a guy who was back after having a huge weight loss (100 pounds?) on a previous program…and then gaining it all back and then some. So sad!

One thing I would remind the OP of is that she has already lost a lot of weight over the years. Obviously, she hasn’t held onto every single pound of her previous pregnancy weight gains, because if she did, she would be much heavier than she is today. (I was doing some math on this recently, and the number of pounds I’ve lost over the years is HUGE.)

 

[EasterJoy]

What? Now you are assuming she has postpartum depression? Thanks for that list of celebrities just file it under protecting the ego / excuses / defense mechanism, God forbid anyone try and change themselves for the better, especially their weight.

Shameful? Yeah, I guess slob was a poor choice of word, I lost 5 points, oops, but shameful? I find zero shame in blurting the truth out to you or anyone, I am explaining her husband’s actions and what provoked them and how to fix the problem, I can only dialog with her not the husband.

Like I said earlier posts like these do NOTHING but help solidify the status quo of the original poster or whoever can identify with the original poster (yes, your posts have a blast radius).

My posts should have a blast radius, because you are not cluing in on more tempered responses you got earlier. When a man is ogling other women and wondering out loud why he can’t have more than just one wife, the first person to blame is not the mother of his five children!

No, you are not explaining her husband’s actions, because* he doesn’t have an excuse, which is what you have been trying to give him*. Your advanced psychiatric interpretation upon finding that he is slobbering over other women went as follows: this is a symptom of a problem that is her fault, and he will be reformed if she gets herself to the gym and primps herself up better. That is not only a shameful accusation of the victim, but not remotely the truth. (If so, it is exactly what happened to Tiger Wood’s wife, I am sure! All those other women he was bedding were his wife’s fault for not being attractive enough to hold his attraction! What a lot of horse#$%!)

I am not assuming she has had post-partum depression. I’m pointing out that* your assumption* that her depression *followed *her weight gain and any depression she feels is due to some vicious cycle that all got started by a character flaw is rash to the extreme, as is your silly conjecture that women get depression after childbirth simply because of their weight gain, which could simply be cured by going to the gym.

You are saying nothing that is going to help this marriage or the OP, and you should not think that blurting out whatever theory pops into your head is “telling the truth”. You don’t know what you’re talking about! Just stop!!

 

[ela2]

Shameful? Yeah, I guess slob was a poor choice of word, I lost 5 points, oops, but shameful? I find zero shame in blurting the truth out to you or anyone, I am explaining her husband’s actions and what provoked them and how to fix the problem, I can only dialog with her not the husband.

You might not find shame in blurting the “truth” to anyone, but that is not the way of our faith. We have to try to say things with love and charity. And by the way the “truth” is not really the truth here but just speculations regarding this case.

 

[severus68]

People deserve our respect because they are children of God, not because of their actions. If someone lacks self-respect, they will never gain self-respect UNLESS OTHER PEOPLE LOVE THEM FIRST! You cannot pull yourself up by your spiritual bootstraps; you need the help of others.

And no, we cannot control the results of our actions. The OP can go on a diet, but she can’t control whether she actually loses weight. She should not place all her hope in losing almost 100 pounds. That would be silly.

And her husband should not reject her for her appearance, nor for any lack of self-respect she might have. That would be evil.

Um, I’m 5’11, 150 lbs. So yeah, thanks for the accusation, but no, I’m not talking about myself.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have to say this, that since I’ve started on my diabetic diet I only eat what I have to and don’t really enjoy it. I’m able to say no to birthday cake, pie, cookies etc. now too…when before I was so addicted I couldn’t. I feel differently about food and that’s a huge difference in my attitude about losing weight.

I know I’m changing for the better and I’m going to add exercise to that as well. It helps watching weight loss shows too, (like extreme makeover) but the only thing that worries me is the chance I will have hanging skin.

Getting to a weight and fitness level that is right for you will feel so much better that I can guarantee that loose skin will be a minor concern in comparison. Carrying around extra weight makes you work harder and makes your metabolism work harder, and as you lose weight you do not need you are going to notice that in a positive way! Even if you eat better without losing any weight, that is going to help you feel better and will usually improve your outlook dramatically.

Besides, extra skin is not an after-effect of weight loss, but an after-effect of weight gain. Even if you don’t get that taken care of, you will still love the feeling of being fit and able to do things that you love to do (and for longer), you’ll still have more energy and sleep far better, you’ll still gain the well-being that comes from the steady metabolism that nature made as your optimal operating condition. When the time comes, loose skin is something that can be taken care of by a surgeon, if it is so much that it really bothers you.

We are not saying that getting to a weight that is more appropriate for your body is not going to feel great. We’re not even saying that you and your husband won’t enjoy each other more physically when you are more fit. We’re only saying that a spouse who is not fit or whose body has gone through changes since the beginning of the marriage is not an excuse for infidelity. That is even true when the person gaining weight is a man whose body obviously hasn’t gone through any pregnancies. Health issues are something that “for better or worse” bids you to go through together, and not an excuse for infidelity in either thought or action.

 

[defenderoftruth]

Getting to a weight and fitness level that is right for you will feel so much better that I can guarantee that loose skin will be a minor concern in comparison. Carrying around extra weight makes you work harder and makes your metabolism work harder, and as you lose weight you do not need you are going to notice that in a positive way! Even if you eat better without losing any weight, that is going to help you feel better and will usually improve your outlook dramatically.

Besides, extra skin is not an after-effect of weight loss, but an after-effect of weight gain. Even if you don’t get that taken care of, you will still love the feeling of being fit and able to do things that you love to do (and for longer), you’ll still have more energy and sleep far better, you’ll still gain the well-being that comes from the steady metabolism that nature made as your optimal operating condition. When the time comes, loose skin is something that can be taken care of by a surgeon, if it is so much that it really bothers you.

We are not saying that getting to a weight that is more appropriate for your body is not going to feel great. We’re not even saying that you and your husband won’t enjoy each other more physically when you are more fit. We’re only saying that a spouse who is not fit or whose body has gone through changes since the beginning of the marriage is not an excuse for infidelity. That is even true when the person gaining weight is a man whose body obviously hasn’t gone through any pregnancies. Health issues are something that “for better or worse” bids you to go through together, and not an excuse for infidelity in either thought or action.

agreed!

 

[AmeliaJoanna]

I have several thought here, as a health professional who works with overweight people, as someone who has survived emotional abuse, and as someone who suffered from depression in the past:

1. As the previous poster said, the way the OP’s husband acknowledged her making healthful changes was not helpful, at best. Something like, “I know you struggled with eating right in the past, so I’m so glad you’re eating better now!” gets the same point across, but is much more positive and encouraging. No sense in bringing up past mistakes unless it’s to learn from them or praise for the change.
   He may not even realize he’s doing it. * My husband used to do this kind of thing. I started making a point of calmly saying, “What you just said was discouraging to me. It would be more helpful if you said [example of positive way] next time…” He eventually got the hang of it.
2. The OP’s being overweight didn’t “cause” her gestational diabetes (GDM). It is a risk factor, but then again, so is her age. See: mayoclinic.com/health/gestational-diabete/DS00316*
   I’ve worked with normal weight women with healthy diets who developed GDM and obese women who didn’t.
3. I personally don’t like extreme weight loss shows. They set up unrealistic expectations for those of us in the real world who don’t have the time or resources to devote several hours a day to weight loss. Plus we don’t have access to the close medical supervision required for rapid weight loss without dire health consequences. Slow weight loss (1-2 pounds per week) is not as instantly gratifying, but it decreases the risk for things like gallstones, malnutrition, and sagging skin.
4. I agree with EasterJoy, excessive guilt is doing no good for our OP. She herself admits it perpetuates the cycle of not taking care of herself. Try using those feelings of guilt as an agent of change. When those feeling of remorse for past mistakes come up, forgive yourself, because you did the best you could with the situation and emotional resources you had at the time, then focus on specific things will do differently in the future.

Finally, for SHANTARAM:
-Please do yourself a favor and get more information from reputable sources about obesity and depression.
-The causes of obesity are varied and complex. To entirely attribute obesity to weak character is reductionistic, at best.
-Depression (the clinical diagnosis, not to be confused with “being mopey” or “having a negative attitude”) is no more a choice, excuse, or character flaw than asthma or pneumonia is. Would you tell someone who has an asthma attacks after running that they are lazy and out of shape? That they need to suck it up and run more often?

A million props- beautiful post.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

I haven’t been able to read through all the comments, so here is my two cents. If I repeat something someone else has already discussed I apologize in advance.

1. Your weight

YOU HAVE 5 KIDS. That number of pregnancies changes your body. You are much more prone to weight gain and things get stretched. It’s basic biology. Growing another human being does that to a person. Pregnancy changes your body and I can guarantee you the cute little 20-something looks the way she does because she HASN’T had 5 kids.

Sure, it’s great to work out and everything, but he is being seriously unrealistic and a huge jerk if he is harassing his wife who is currently pregnant with her FIFTH child about her weight. While you are pregnant that is the LAST thing he should talk about that. Even after the baby, a good husband might suggest workouts and healthy eating as a COUPLE to show his support and to show that we can all stand to improve our health. A bad husband nags his wife about her weight.

1. Polygamy

I think the polygamy thing is a sham. He likes another woman and he would love to have an affair if he thought he could get away with it. He is trying to rationalize his desires toward her and he thinks he can twist your religious beliefs into accepting his desire to have an affair.

These two issues are huge, and I highly recommend that you go to a counselor even if he won’t go. Couples counseling doesn’t necessarily require both halves of the couple. Relationship counselors are used to the issue of one spouse wanting to work on things while the other refuses to attend. You can do a lot for your own peace of mind by going to counseling on your own. He is being pushy and abusive. A counselor can help provide support and a shoulder to cry on.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Ask St. Monica to pray for you. Her story may inspire you. She dealt with a mess of a family life and she relied on God to get her through it.