Husband still not open to trying again for a baby

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Okay a bit of background for those unfamiliar with my situation. My husband is Protestant but we married in the church with hopes of a somewhat large family. We were open to life from the start. We have been married 9.5 years. And for eight years struggled with infertility. We lost our only miracle a year and a half ago. Subsequent miscarriages are very possible because of severe endometriosis and hormonal imbalances.

I have severe mental health issues which is moderately controlled with medicine. I also have several ongoing physical health issues. I can’t work full time due to both sets of issues. But even still I want a baby but hubby doesn’t think he can have mental and physical strength to take care of my illnesses and a child. I can understand where is coming from, but don’t want a childless marriage. He is no longer opened to adoption or fostering. We originally started the NFP to avoid after our baby loss, to give us time to grieve and heal. But again, it’s been 1.5 years and we are still avoiding.

I’m blessed that my husband is willing to do NFP, but again it was not our original intentions to use indefinitely throughout our marriage

I especially value male opinions on this. And if adding a child to this situation would be a concern to you as well, or is my husband just being difficult. He said we can be open to a child again but he is still strongly against it. So I feel if I did conceive without him on board, he might become angry/resentful of me or baby. Should I just ignore it and quit using the NFP to avoid? What if he never is? Or should I wait until he’s truly back on board with having a baby? Im really unsure what to do. What does God want?
 
I feel for you. Our daughter was stillborn 5 months ago (full term), likely due to an infection that passed through still intact membranes. We are mid & late 30s, married two years. I also have endometriosis. We are trying again, thus far unsuccessfully, and I am terrified that due to my age & health we won’t conceive, or we will experience another loss.

I will pray for you. I have been working in mental health for awhile; before losing our baby I worked specifically with moms and young children. Although there are risks with mental health issues and pregnancy, I have seen many moms parent successfully, with diagnoses ranging from depression to bipolar to schizophrenia. Do you have additional support besides your husband?
 
February said:
I feel for you. Our daughter was stillborn 5 months ago (full term), likely due to an infection that passed through still intact membranes. We are mid & late 30s, married two years. I also have endometriosis. We are trying again, thus far unsuccessfully, and I am terrified that due to my age & health we won’t conceive, or we will experience another loss.

I will pray for you. I have been working in mental health for awhile; before losing our baby I worked specifically with moms and young children. Although there are risks with mental health issues and pregnancy, I have seen many moms parent successfully, with diagnoses ranging from depression to bipolar to schizophrenia. Do you have additional support besides your husband?
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I’m so sorry for your loss! 😦

We are 33 and 37 so not much longer for us either, hence my persistence with hubby.

No we have no outside help. We live 8 hours from family and while I have a couple friends at church they have their own families to care for. So just hubby and I. And I’m really up and down with health issues and all. So he would have significant added responsibility in having a child.
 
Praying for you and your husband…

Perhaps you should talk with a priest.
 
I feel for you in your situation. Have you tried praying to St. Gerard? My husband was not very open to having a baby, and we married in our late 30s. We had our daughter when we were 38. I credit prayers to St. Gerard (and also Pope Saint JPII) for her.
 
I would suggest discussing with doctors and your priest. You say it would add considerable responsibility for your husband. Does this mean you will not be able to do much? If your husband is working full time and also having to take care of you, maybe he really can’t handle taking on all the work of a baby (plus not getting decent sleep at night when the baby cries).
 
Oh Convert, I’m so sorry!!! This is Yessi, from way, way back!!! I can’t believe you finally got a bfp and lost the baby. I’m so sad for you. I don’t have any advise. I just saw your name and wanted to say how much it hurts me to see this.
 
Hi Convert:

I remember you from the old thread so I will message you privately instead.

Jacques
 
You are both in a stressful place with what is a natural expectation of life, of being Paternal.
I certainly can sympathise with your individual concerns expressed ,
Husband might be truly upset & doubting his own self worth because of your mutual tragedy
I think I would be stressed out as well by losing a Miricle ,and he might feel it’s his fault,
Just like perhaps subconsciously you might be blaming your own self,
Even though it’s neither fault, this is something that will draw you closer to one another,
I’m not sure that I would think differently to your husband, it’s a big ask,
Perhaps if you both directed your mutual attention to a different direction,
An acquaintance I knew a long time ago , with a similar situation to yourselves ,
Started breeding show dogs, it brought a new life lease on life,
A whole new social group, and did much good ,

Perhaps in time your husband may be more open to Foster care…
That in itself comes with great responsibilities
 
Convert_in_99 said:
No we have no outside help. We live 8 hours from family and while I have a couple friends at church they have their own families to care for. So just hubby and I. And I’m really up and down with health issues and all. So he would have significant added responsibility in having a child.
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Sorry to say it, but I understand why your husband might find a child to be too much to contemplate taking on, in addition to your needs and in context of your isolation.

Why do you live so far from family? Are family relations strained, or is it work that has taken you away from them? Would you both consider moving to where you can have a support network?

Obviously a huge issue is that you suffer both mental and physical health concerns, and it seems your own ongoing care is perhaps not entirely under control. It’s hard to comment without knowing the details of these issues (and I’m not asking for more information), but it’s fair to say that any loving husband would want to prioritise his wife’s health. It may be that he would not want to consider (consciously or subconsciously) having children until your health needs are as resolved as possible. So, at this time, I’d focus on that. And keep your husband involved so that he can hear for himself from your doctors where things are at and when it might be a suitable time to contemplate expanding your family.
 
I can totally sympathize with your hubby. 1.5 years is not enough time to heal the loss of a child especially after trying for 8 years. That must be devastating.
 
What I remember from our marriage prep. class is that we cannot demand a gift. When we enter marriage, we are asked to engage in marital acts total, faithful, fidelity, and open to fruit. Our minds and souls need to renew our vows each marital act. The first renewal is to God, and then our spouse. Now, parallel marital acts to the Holy Eucharist. When we take the Holy Eucharist, we give ourselves totally, faithful, with fidelity, and open to life. We are asked to take the Holy Eucharist clean (without mortal sin) and can reconcilliate with God through confession and penance. Marriage too needs us to reconcile and make penance with our spouse. Now, illness & psychological issues do not need penance, & God will make these issues good (as He deems). Your marriage has been imbalanced due to these issues. Your husband is still reconciling how to lovingly be the protector and provider he was created to be. He is protecting your family and trying to create stability which is ideal to bring in new life.

My sympathies for you unfulfilled desires, and loss of a child. But, as I learned with marriage prep. we cannot demand a gift. Your desire to have children may be blinding you on how to engage in your marriage to achieve the heavenly goal of giving and receiving totally, faithfully, in fidelity, and open to life. Now that I have children, I deal with them constantly demanding gifts. My eldest (4 years old) will demand gifts from everyone (grandparents, us, restaurants, strangers) and is totally out of control at times. When the answer is “no” she will have a tantrum and utter mean things. We are correcting this by not accepting anymore gifts until she can value what she has, and until she can take better care of what she has. My suggestion for you is to start increasing thanks for the gifts you have … Give glory to God … Praise your husband … Each time you think negative, find two praises to squash the bad thoughts. It is a mental exercise and will not come over night. Marriage is not easy. We have to practice it to perfect it. Peace be with with you and your husband on this journey, and may you find the joy God has planned for your marriage.
 
I really recommend a rosary novena, it’s 54 days long and you can buy the booklet off amazon. I have it on kindle on my phone. You will receive a ton of graces, I also recommend saying it with your husband, not only will it bring you closer together it will also work miracles you never knew of. Remember Saint Monica became a saint just praying for her husband and her son Saint Augustine. Her husband was also not catholic, but converted towards the end of his life so don’t lose hope. As far as mental problems, my wife and I both have traumatic brain injuries. We just had our second child. Children will bring your marriage together like nothing else. Everything people worry about can be answered by prayer. I’m living proof of that. I will pray for you and your family.
 
I thank you all for your opinions. It seems that I may be placing too much on my husband, I’m glad others said this would be challenging for them too.

After eight years enduring the emotional pain and heartache of being childless, now we are purposely not having children? I guess in addition to the emotional pain and loss I’m worried too that we won’t have a true valid marriage if we purposely avoid having children (using NFP of course) throughout the rest of our years together. 🤷
 
Convert_in_99 said:
I thank you all for your opinions. It seems that I may be placing too much on my husband, I’m glad others said this would be challenging for them too.

After eight years enduring the emotional pain and heartache of being childless, now we are purposely not having children? ** I guess in addition to the emotional pain and loss I’m worried too that we won’t have a true valid marriage if we purposely avoid having children (using NFP of course) throughout the rest of our years together**. 🤷
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(My bolding for emphasis.)

This does not make your marriage invalid. You are using NFP to deal with the situation as it is now. You don’t have to decide this second that “We’re using NFP for the rest of our fertile lives.” You’re saying, “Given my medication/mental health status, it would be unwise to have a baby at this time. If those things change, we’ll reevaluate the situation together.” That (sadly) might never change, but you don’t have a not-open-to-life attitude–and for that matter, even if you did, it’s your attitude *at the time of the marriage *that could potentially make a marriage invalid. Things that happen after the marriage has been solemnized cannot make it retroactively invalid.

Also, I will say this: I had a history of depression/anxiety before I had DD, but I had been fine for years, and never took medication for it. While she is one of the greatest blessings in my life, I still must honestly say that her newborn/babyhood phases really did a number on my mental health. I had PPD and anxiety. Severe sleep deprivation, which comes with even the best-sleeping newborn, can take a toll on anyone’s mental health, and that goes double for those with pre-existing conditions in that area. Likewise the hormonal storm you’re in during and after pregnancy: it can really mess with your mind.

Understand that I’m not saying that those who have mental health issues should never have children: I am saying, however, that they need to really be aware of these potential issues and have a good support system in place for when/if they come up. It’s hard not to be depressed and angry when you’ve had all of three hours’ sleep total (and not all together!) in the last 24, and the baby will. not. stop. screaming, and you haven’t slept more than two hours straight in weeks. It’s hard to not be depressed and anxious when you aren’t sure if your baby is eating enough, gaining enough weight, or if X, Y, or Z symptom means that you’re developing some sort of nasty infection or not healing properly.

(((hugs))) Know that we all care about you, and wish you the very best! :flowers:
 
I’m a married father of three. It humbles me that God has blessed us with our children when we know so many who have lost children. I can only accept them as gifts and pray constantly that I am the father they need and whom Christ calls me to be.

Convert in 99, I can’t tell you and your husband when to give up and let go of conceiving or adopting a baby. I pray you don’t have to let go of the dream but I know it may have to happen. I can suggest that you continue to heal regardless of the choices presented to you and the decisions you and he make - he needs ministering and so do you. The medical conditions from which you suffer aren’t ones to be taken lightly and I know that the choices you’ll have to make must be difficult. You must make them together and you must be honest with yourselves and with each other about what you need.

I know he’s grieving Noel. I can’t tell you whether he feels defeated, afraid, or exhausted, or a combination of all three and something more. Maybe this isn’t time to talk about another baby, but a time to talk about what you and he need in your day-to-day lives. Start the conversation there and let it proceed. If he brings up a baby, talk about the baby. If he doesn’t, don’t. For now, don’t think of it as closing the door on having children, but about opening the door that is present to you right now.

For what it’s worth, you’re not alone. We have friends who have suffered miscarriage after miscarriage; we have friends who have carried children to full term only to lose them in birth; we have friends who have living children as well as children in Heaven, and friends who remain childless. All suffer and grieve, and we grieve with them and pray for them. Tonight I add you and your husband to the list of those for whom we pray.
 
We lost our twins not quite a year ago due to an infection. I’ve been ready to try again for several months. I miss being pregnant and nursing a baby. I miss diapers and even miss staying up all night with a teething baby or just a fussy monkey that refuses to close his eyes. I miss the smell of baby heads and the closeness of carrying a baby or two in the same rebozo my mother in law carried my husband when he was a baby. I understand and realize how tremendously blessed I am to have children. The cross of being childless is an extremely heavy burden. I admit there was a time that I envied those that didn’t have to wrangle tons of little ones around, but now I see how much empty arms ache to hold someone. Children provide a lasting comfort to parents and I am ashamed that I have not always seen that. My heart hurts for you more than I can express. Please be assured of my prayers. My husband is like yours in the fact that he cannot bear the idea of another loss. He refuses to endure that again. NFP has never worked for us. He feels strongly enough about avoiding another child that he avoids intimacy with me. He is very loving and affectionate, don’t get me wrong. He has willingly laid down his life and hopes and dreams for me and our children. He believes that what he is doing is truly the right thing for us. But I long to try for another baby. I long to feel my husband’s embrace. I no longer believe that avoiding the pain of another loss is worth the pain of not being loved by my husband in a way only my husband CAN love me. I realize that NFP allows for that at least for couples that are able to use it, but for many couples NFP itself is harder than total abstinence. It’s unpopular to talk about here on CAF but NFP can and does damage many relationships instead of building them stronger and more loving. It is especially damaging when a couple is not of one mind on when/how it should be employed. Just as I would love to toss abstinence and just see what God has in store for my family while continuing to pray for what is best, I can’t do that without my husband being in agreement. But at least I know that my husband won’t feel as if I tricked him or lied to him about my cycle (because of an unplanned pregnancy) as husbands have been known to do with NFP.

I guess my long bit of rambling is simply trying to say I feel your pain, however on a much smaller scale. My husband used to agree with me that no one should allow fear to rule their lives. I still believe fear does not come from God. God is the author of joy and love. My husband says he agrees in every aspect of his life except in the area of our kids. He just can’t let God take care of this. I’m frustrated and am worried I will eventually grow resentful instead of supportive and comforting. My heart aches for you because I find it so unjust and unfair that anyone should go through this. My hope is one day we will have our happy ending–both your family and mine. But if that never happens for us, I hope God gives us all the grace to be joyful anyway. May God hold you during this trying time.
 
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