Husband texting other women - please help

[RosaCarolinae]

So a few days ago, I was looking at my husband’s phone because I wanted to see whether his mom had sent him any messages recently regarding an ongoing family issue (unrelated to the problem I am posting about). I was completely floored to see recent text conversations with other women (three of them, to be exact).

One conversation was fairly innocuous, although she had sent him a picture (just head and shoulders shot) of herself. The second conversation, with a second woman, was chatty and familiar; and it was clear they had talked in the past, although this seemed to be the first time in a few weeks or months. My husband said a few flirtatious things to her and asked if she wanted to text again sometime, either “clean or dirty.” She said she was happy in her relationship and didn’t want to ruin that, but wouldn’t mind at least flirty texting again sometime. As bad as this was, the third conversation (i.e., with a third woman) was far worse. My husband initiated the conversation (as he did with the other two), and after exchanging a bit of small talk, he asked if she was seeing anyone, and whether she wanted to see him. He asked about sex, and when she seemed reluctant/unenthusiastic, he suggested that they at least meet and hang out once, with no sex. She waffled a little, then ended up saying no.

I can’t even describe how floored I was by all of this. We have been married less than three years, and I thought we had a good and happy marriage. This is so out of character for him (or at least so I would have thought; now I don’t know what to think anymore). My heart was just pounding and my mind was racing, trying to figure out what to do. I ended up confronting him about it, and he was super sorry. He was crying and apologizing and beating himself up about it (figuratively). He still can’t or won’t explain why he did it, though; he just keeps saying he doesn’t know. I should add that he says he never did anything with any of them and was not actually planning on acting upon his offers of sex with the third woman.

I am in the process of contacting a Catholic counselor/therapist to set up an appointment for us, but it doesn’t look like we can get in until June. In the meantime, does anyone have any advice? (not to replace therapy, but how to move forward until then). I am having a hard time thinking about anything else, and I can’t really tell anyone in real life because it is a private issue and it would alter their opinion of my husband. I believe him that he is sorry and won’t do it again, but I can’t help thinking that if at some point he were tempted to do it again, he could totally do it all the time and get away with it as long as he remembered to delete the conversations. I am so sad and don’t know what got into his head–any men have any insight?

 

[TheLittleLady]

Make an appointment with your priest. Unless he was ordained last week, your priest has heard this same thing many times. He can help you begin the conversations.

I’d also suggest this Catholic group (the founder has been on Catholic Answers) http://maritalhealing.com

 

[1Lord1Faith]

Chances are he won’t change. You need to seriously think about the consequences of that. I hope you don’t have any kids with him. You absolutely cannot start a family with a man like that. Do not listen to his plea; he is sorry he got caught and for how that has effected you, but he is obviously not sorry for what he did.

You have every right to assume he has had sex with other women. You have every right to demand that he get tested for STDs until you have sex with him again, if ever. Like I said, you do not want to have children with a person like that, and you have every right to refuse him.

I am deeply sorry for your situation.

 

[RosaCarolinae]

Do not listen to his plea; he is sorry he got caught and for how that has effected you, but he is obviously not sorry for what he did.

Why do you say that? Maybe I am naïve, but I do think he really is sorry, and I am hoping we can work through this in counseling.
However, obviously it is going to be difficult to trust him for a while; and like I said, smartphones make it way too easy for him to do it again if he is tempted in the future. That is what I worry about.

You have every right to assume he has had sex with other women. You have every right to demand that he get tested for STDs until you have sex with him again, if ever

I believe him that he hasn’t actually done it, but I am not sure whether to believe him when he says he wasn’t actually planning to do it. Nothing in the text conversation indicated to me that he wasn’t serious, and the woman on the other end seemed to think he was serious as well. So yes, I am concerned about whether he would have done it had she taken him up on it.

 

[RosaCarolinae]

As I think about this more, I wonder if this habit is basically akin to porn for him. Like maybe he enjoys the fantasies or thrill of having these little text conversations with other women but wasn’t actually planning on acting them out? Obviously that is still a huge problem that he or we need to talk about in counseling, but that is my theory at this point.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

I say that because of what you indicated the texts were like. The messages sounded as if he has hooked up with women before, and it doesn’t sound like he is a rookie at this. It sounds like he has been doing it for some time, therefore, he’s not sorry.

“Sorry” is for accidents and one time things. He needs to come up with something a lot more substantial than “sorry”.

Some guys have problems with this sort of thing. Your husband sounds like one of them. They don’t change. It’s more like an addiction that needs constant maintenance to fend off everyday. It’s probably not something that is just going to go away.

 

[RosaCarolinae]

Some guys have problems with this sort of thing. Your husband sounds like one of them. They don’t change. It’s more like an addiction that needs constant maintenance to fend off everyday. It’s probably not something that is just going to go away.

You may well be right. Thank you for your insight.
Oh boy, this is just a lot to process.

 

[CoffeeAndDonuts]

I bet he’s probably more sorry that he got caught than for doing it in the first place. Have you considered or asked him where he met these women? Because he apparently know hows to find other girlfriends, which means it’s something he is actively seeking out. Porn is completely different in that it doesn’t require any effort to find - it’s literally a keystroke away. To cheat you need to put effort into it. This isn’t just something that happens, he has to make a commitment to dirty text other women and ask them for sex. It’s clearly a decision he made to do, again and again.

Don’t let him walk all over you because he can make you think that he’s remorseful by putting on an act. Get an STD screen for your own health, and don’t let him manipulate you further. You deserve better than to get jerked around by a man who had made multiple solid choices to betray your trust.

 

[Lou2U]

At the very very least, he needs to block their numbers, and block them wherever else he may be able to contact them. He also needs to come up with a much better answer than “I don’t know” - remember all the things he’s done! Asking another woman for sex, flirting and dirty texting/possibly sexting? He cannot just get away with “I don’t know”. I’m sorry to say I think he knew exactly what he was doing here. I really do think you need to ask him some tough questions - you do need to find out whether he has actually cheated before, and get a health check. I think also you need to establish how many women he’s talked to - the fact that you’ve found 3 conversations with 3 different women really isn’t a good sign.

Have you told him what you’ve said here? That he’s severely damaged your trust in him, the pain he’s caused you? I do hope he truly is sorry for what he’s done. Counselling will help if he is truly repentant, and I second the recommendation to talk to a Priest.

Let yourself feel how you want to feel. Angry, sad, anything. Look after yourself, and make sure you do have some offline support. I’m so sorry this has happened.

 

[AdamP88]

While I don’t think you can definiteively say “he won’t change”, i do agree that it seems as though he’s made various decisions to betray your trust and be unfaithful to his marriage vows, at least in his heart. From a male perspectve, I’d have to say that it’s normal enough to get the odd impure thought in passing, but this sounds like he has gone to the next level and actually taken steps to seek out and meet women with whom he can conduct a sexual relationship, either in fantasy or reality.
I really think that affairs and betrayls like this don’t “just happen” they are the result of a series of conscious decisions. One would hope that he realises that he has been going down a dark road and makes an attempt to regain your trust and confidence and give 100% to his marriage. But my gut feeling is that there is some deeper issue and you probably have your work cut out for you in terms of working on your marriage.

 

[RosaCarolinae]

Have you considered or asked him where he met these women?

It was one of the first things I asked him. He says he met them when he was single on sites like Plenty of Fish. It has been a good 4 years since we started dating, so I don’t know what to think about that. I probably need to be more pointed in my questions.

 

[RosaCarolinae]

At the very very least, he needs to block their numbers, and block them wherever else he may be able to contact them

I agree, but the whole issue is, how would I know for sure that he has done this? I mean, I suppose I could ask him to show me on his phone that their numbers are blocked for one thing.

I really do think you need to ask him some tough questions - you do need to find out whether he has actually cheated before, and get a health check

I did ask him that right away, but he says he hasn’t. Maybe I should still get checked just in case.

Have you told him what you’ve said here? That he’s severely damaged your trust in him, the pain he’s caused you? I do hope he truly is sorry for what he’s done. Counselling will help if he is truly repentant, and I second the recommendation to talk to a Priest.

Yes, but perhaps not in strong enough terms. As ridiculous as it sounds now that I am typing it out, I have felt like I don’t want to harp on it too much, and I am embarrassed for him. I do hope counseling will help, and perhaps we should see a priest as you and LittleLady said.

Let yourself feel how you want to feel. Angry, sad, anything. Look after yourself, and make sure you do have some offline support. I’m so sorry this has happened.

Thank you.

 

[RosaCarolinae]

One would hope that he realises that he has been going down a dark road and makes an attempt to regain your trust and confidence and give 100% to his marriage. But my gut feeling is that there is some deeper issue and you probably have your work cut out for you in terms of working on your marriage.

I hope so, too. And I agree there is clearly some deeper issue that we are going to need counseling for. I just don’t understand, though. I asked him if he were bored with our marriage or didn’t find me attractive anymore, and he denied both of those.

I am completely dumbfounded; this is a side of him that I never would have thought existed.

 

[Lou2U]

I definitely think you should ask him to show you he’s blocked them, and you should tell him exactly how he’s made you feel. I understand why you don’t want to, but he needs to know. He needs to face up to what he’s done, and give you a proper explanation. You deserve all that and more.

 

[Paul71]

I am in the process of contacting a Catholic counselor/therapist to set up an appointment for us, but it doesn’t look like we can get in until June.

Good. That sounds like the right thing to do. You and your husband both need to understand why he did this, and how to be sure it doesn’t happen again. A good counselor can help with that.

I can’t really tell anyone in real life because it is a private issue and it would alter their opinion of my husband.

This makes things tough for you, but I think it is the right thing to do, at least at this point. If you and your husband are able to work through this issue and build a strong marriage together, it will be better that friends and family don’t know about this. However, if nothing changes or if things get worse, then I don’t think you can or should protect him forever. It might be helpful though if you had one trusted person that you could talk about these things with, who would be discreet. Perhaps your pastor, or a spiritual advisor? Or maybe you can get in with a Catholic counselor sooner. Have you looked into telephone counseling with Greg and Lisa Popcak’s organization?

if at some point he were tempted to do it again, he could totally do it all the time and get away with it as long as he remembered to delete the conversations.

That’s a tough one. There are things you could do so that you can see his messages (with his knowledge, not behind his back). For example, he could get a cell phone plan that has no text messaging capability, and then you and he could both use the same Google Voice account (with the same virtual phone number) to do text messaging using your data plan, and then you both would be able to see messages sent by each other. Likewise, you could create a shared Facebook account, or a shared account on any other social media site, and both use the same account, so that you can both see the same messages. But the problem is that it is too easy for him simply to create a new account somewhere that you don’t know about, and use that for messaging. The bottom line is that you can take precautions, but there will always be some way for him to go behind your back. He must take steps to rebuild the trust that he has damaged with his bad behavior.

I am so sad and don’t know what got into his head–any men have any insight?

Honestly, I don’t understand it. I mean, I do understand being attracted to other women from time to time – that’s natural, but in my experience it happens less and less with each year of marriage. But I don’t understand why a good Catholic husband would engage in that kind of behavior. That’s where the counselor should be able to help though.

 

[RosaCarolinae]

All good ideas and insights, especially regarding ways to share accounts. Thank you.

I really would like him to get rid of his cell phone altogether because he spends every moment attached to it as it is (usually looking at Twitter or Facebook or listening to podcasts); but maybe that is too much to ask, since nowadays everyone has one.

 

[Paul71]

I really would like him to get rid of his cell phone altogether because he spends every moment attached to it as it is (usually looking at Twitter or Facebook or listening to podcasts); but maybe that is too much to ask, since nowadays everyone has one.

Considering what happened, I don’t think it’s too much to ask him to give up the cell phone at least for a time. However, he probably will see it as too much to ask, considering how people seem to be addicted to smartphones these days. But this would be a good thing to work out with the counselor, where the counselor could mediate an agreement between the two of you regarding phone usage.

 

[Elizabeth3]

Do you know if he has a porn habit? While many who do may not take it further than that, it could cause others to desire to have real live encounters. I’d check on that as well and look into Covenant Eyes.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I’d think a change of phone number would be a logical starting point.

 

[TheLittleLady]

If you and your husband are able to work through this issue and build a strong marriage together, it will be better that friends and family don’t know about this.

This.

Talk to your priest or a counselor. They will keep your confidence.

You cannot un-tell this to family and friends. Telling them would be a very last resort, likely if the marriage ended sort of thing.