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DeniseNY
Guest
Talk to your pastor. That he was trying to initiate a meeting with at least one of these women is deeply troubling.
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Mary67
Guest
I’m so sorry to hear this. You must be in such emotional agony right now. You’re in my prayers.
Early in my marriage, my husband did something that broke my trust and my heart. I was devastated and stunned that he would choose to do what he did. He also was “beating himself up” and saying sorry profusely.
First, I made him go to confession. I asked him to give up his phone as well, which he did. And I made him understand how broken he made me feel by his actions. I also gave him a lecture on how much he hurt God. And, Within the next month, he started praying the rosary daily, reading a Catholic book for reverts and going to confession regularly. He has made a complete 180 degree turn around for me and for God. He is a completely different person now. He won’t stop talking about the bible. I’m not saying this will happen to everyone, but this was my story and giving him a second chance worked for me.
You have to do what is best for you and if you have any children for them too. But, if you do want to give it a shot and try to heal your marriage and you feel safe, then all things are possible through Christ who strengthens us. But, only you know your husband. Please use your prudence in this situation because he clearly has violated your wedding vows. You need to put your safety before anything else here. But, if you are safe and feel like sticking it out AND your husband is willing to change for good then God can heal your marriage.
Your husband needs to see a therapist to sort out his issues though. From what other guys have told me, men generally cheat because of lust. It has little to no emotional meaning for them. It’s simply sinful and selfish. He can’t be putting you through this. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It is not your fault. Please never blame yourself. Choose what is best for you. God is with you.
Early in my marriage, my husband did something that broke my trust and my heart. I was devastated and stunned that he would choose to do what he did. He also was “beating himself up” and saying sorry profusely.
First, I made him go to confession. I asked him to give up his phone as well, which he did. And I made him understand how broken he made me feel by his actions. I also gave him a lecture on how much he hurt God. And, Within the next month, he started praying the rosary daily, reading a Catholic book for reverts and going to confession regularly. He has made a complete 180 degree turn around for me and for God. He is a completely different person now. He won’t stop talking about the bible. I’m not saying this will happen to everyone, but this was my story and giving him a second chance worked for me.
You have to do what is best for you and if you have any children for them too. But, if you do want to give it a shot and try to heal your marriage and you feel safe, then all things are possible through Christ who strengthens us. But, only you know your husband. Please use your prudence in this situation because he clearly has violated your wedding vows. You need to put your safety before anything else here. But, if you are safe and feel like sticking it out AND your husband is willing to change for good then God can heal your marriage.
Your husband needs to see a therapist to sort out his issues though. From what other guys have told me, men generally cheat because of lust. It has little to no emotional meaning for them. It’s simply sinful and selfish. He can’t be putting you through this. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It is not your fault. Please never blame yourself. Choose what is best for you. God is with you.
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angel12
Guest
This. A thousand times, this. If he thinks there will be no uncomfortable consequences, he’ll be more likely to do it again. Any counselor worth their salt will tell you that he needs to know, in no uncertain terms, how he has made you feel by doing this. It’s not harping – think of it as medicine. We don’t often enjoy taking it, but it’s necessary if we’re going to heal.
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alphawoman
Guest
As a sign of good faith, have him provide you with copies of the texts so you have an objective record of infidelity behaviours, should you ever choose to civilly divorce or seek a church annulment. I would also want to see a record of activity on his Plenty of Fish account, to understand the pattern of his activity and confirm whether his infidelity coincided with the time of the marriage. He owes you that much transparency.
If he was active on Plenty of Fish when you were close to marriage, I’ll say this. If a dear friend shared this information with me, and she hadn’t yet had children with such a man, I’d advise her to leave him and never look back. There is no potential for a mutual shared life with someone who fundamentally disrespects you and the institution which binds you, and it will be a cancer on your life and a constant source of pain if you have children with him. If he was engaging in infidelity at the time of marriage, it’s worth exploring the validity of your marriage. And please, in the interim, protect your sexual health!
Obviously a full and appropriate response involves speaking with a trusted spiritual advisor, considerable prayer, and counselling support as well, but other posters have covered that part ably.
If he was active on Plenty of Fish when you were close to marriage, I’ll say this. If a dear friend shared this information with me, and she hadn’t yet had children with such a man, I’d advise her to leave him and never look back. There is no potential for a mutual shared life with someone who fundamentally disrespects you and the institution which binds you, and it will be a cancer on your life and a constant source of pain if you have children with him. If he was engaging in infidelity at the time of marriage, it’s worth exploring the validity of your marriage. And please, in the interim, protect your sexual health!
Obviously a full and appropriate response involves speaking with a trusted spiritual advisor, considerable prayer, and counselling support as well, but other posters have covered that part ably.
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alphawoman
Guest
She can’t be his keeper. A spouse who is intent on engaging in inappropriate extra-marital behaviours will do so, whether under the watchful eye of the other spouse or not.
Unfortunately, the OP can’t control her husband’s behaviour; only he can.
But yes, the software is apparently quite good for those who are intrinsically motivated to overcome a struggle with porn.
Unfortunately, the OP can’t control her husband’s behaviour; only he can.
But yes, the software is apparently quite good for those who are intrinsically motivated to overcome a struggle with porn.
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alphawoman
Guest
Exactly. The healthy male response in a marriage is to be generally ordered to the good of the spouses and the union. An occasional passing thought is to be expected for both men and women, but the general focus should be on building a healthy marriage.
OP, I am so sorry you’re experiencing this. You don’t deserve it. Your partner isn’t being a partner, and you are worth so much more than the value he’s ascribing to you.
OP, I am so sorry you’re experiencing this. You don’t deserve it. Your partner isn’t being a partner, and you are worth so much more than the value he’s ascribing to you.
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alphawoman
Guest
Indeed, and such an apology would need to be backed up with sustained, sincere efforts to right the wrong. Otherwise, it’s nothing but empty words.
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RosaCarolinae
Guest
Well, he has admitted that he did when he was single. He has said that he hasn’t used it since then, though. (These were conversations we had long before the texting incident.)
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RosaCarolinae
Guest
That is encouraging; thank you for sharing your story.
Yes, I agree. I don’t believe there is any emotional connection with any of these women.
Thank you for your kind words. I am definitely safe and I do want our marriage to be healed
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RosaCarolinae
Guest
I think he deleted everything from his phone, but I copied the conversations and names/phone numbers onto a piece of paper right after I found them.
I truly don’t believe he was. I think he has been doing this for a while now (months?), but I don’t think he was doing it at the time we were engaged or newly married.
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1ke
Guest
Super sorry he got caught.
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Viki63
Guest
Everyone does not have one. As Mary67 mentioned, her husband gave his smartphone up. I don’t have one, though I do have a Kindle.
If he spends too much time on it, maybe getting rid of it in favor of a basic phone would help his mental health. Everyone doesn’t need to be on Twitter and Facebook all t he time.
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CoffeeAndDonuts
Guest
I’d say get him one of them old fashioned flip phones that can only make calls, but if he’s set on cheating on you he’ll probably get a burner smartphone and use that behind your back.
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CoffeeAndDonuts
Guest
But you’e admitted that this has blind-sided you and you couldn’t imagine he’d do such a thing.
With all due respect, you sound way to soft on him. You say “oh, I don’t know if I can ask him to get rid of his phone” or “I don’t want to nag him with my feelings!” He’s a cheater, and he can’t be trusted with a phone and you absolutely have every right to tell him how you feel. I’m thinking maybe he know this, that you won’t rock the boat no matter what, and he’s always known it, so he married you to have a nice wife at home and goes out looking for strange.
He had three women on there that he met on a a dating site, which is total playing. He didn’t meet a woman at a restaurant and get caught up in an affair, he didn’t run into his old girlfriend, he wasn’t overcome with emotions in a stressful life or death situation. He went out of his way to go to a website that facilitates (among other things) casual sex. And not even as a single man. He went there as a married man, looking to cheat (and I’d bet dollars to donuts he has with at least that second woman). With the third woman he’s trying to coerce her into sex that she’s reluctant for. He’s priming the pump with the first one. He clearly knows what he’s doing, which makes me think he’s done this before, and that there’s way more women out there.
I know this is harsh to hear, but you need to hear it. His behavior, even the little slices of it you’ve given us, indicate that he is an old hand at this. He probably had a plan for if he got caught too - to cue the waterworks, confident that you’d believe him. I think he’s taking advantage of your good, trusting nature to have the goal of a nice wife at a home and all the women he can get outside the home.
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SnowRose
Guest
It would be a revealing aspect if those women knew he was married, or if he had been deceiving them too.
Their morals aside, if he was being upfront about seeking consolation elsewhere bc he was unhappy, claiming to them he was married on the way out, that’s bad in and of itself, but might be salvagable through marital counselling and so on.
But if he was catfishing and deceiving all women he was dealing with, saving & eating the cake, not just OP, that speaks of an underlying attitude to women that just isn’t healthy.
A difficult situation either way
Their morals aside, if he was being upfront about seeking consolation elsewhere bc he was unhappy, claiming to them he was married on the way out, that’s bad in and of itself, but might be salvagable through marital counselling and so on.
But if he was catfishing and deceiving all women he was dealing with, saving & eating the cake, not just OP, that speaks of an underlying attitude to women that just isn’t healthy.
A difficult situation either way
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TheLittleLady
Guest
One can text on flip phones. Honestly, I do not know of a company who even offers a no SMS plan anymore.
I do agree that a non-smart phone would be a good option as our OP describes an unhealthy amount of time that her husband spends on his smart phone.
People who know me think I am a little strange because when I am at work or at home I generally do not have my phone stapled to my hand. If something earth shattering happens when I am at work, someone will call my office phone. When I am at home, well, I usually shut off the ringer and pick it up to check once or twice a day. Last phone change I did not re-install Facebook or Twitter. They make it toooooo easy to stare at the phone all day long.
I do agree that a non-smart phone would be a good option as our OP describes an unhealthy amount of time that her husband spends on his smart phone.
People who know me think I am a little strange because when I am at work or at home I generally do not have my phone stapled to my hand. If something earth shattering happens when I am at work, someone will call my office phone. When I am at home, well, I usually shut off the ringer and pick it up to check once or twice a day. Last phone change I did not re-install Facebook or Twitter. They make it toooooo easy to stare at the phone all day long.
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Horton
Guest
^^^^This all day long. I don’t agree with asking him to give up his phone. It is not the only way to do what he seems to be doing. As a former user of dating sites, I know one must still be active and have an account to be able to access others on the site. I also know there are plenty of folks on those sites who are not really interested in forming a relationship, but just want to casual encounters.
I would ask your husband for total and complete transparency with his online activity. Tell him you want his user name and passwords for all social media/meet up sites. If you have a joint phone plan there is a way for you to be able to see his phone activity on your phone. You may need to talk to your provider about this.
Counseling is a must. If he is unwilling to abide by the rules, then he really isn’t interested in changing.
I would ask your husband for total and complete transparency with his online activity. Tell him you want his user name and passwords for all social media/meet up sites. If you have a joint phone plan there is a way for you to be able to see his phone activity on your phone. You may need to talk to your provider about this.
Counseling is a must. If he is unwilling to abide by the rules, then he really isn’t interested in changing.
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Cruciferi
Guest
This situation is serious and I don’t like what I’m hearing. @CoffeeAndDonuts has the right approach.
There’s trouble in RiverCity!
You both need to consult a Marriage Counselor and you both need to be 100% honest with each other. Personally, I’d lay everything on the line. Once he knows you’re ready to play hardball, his true form will be revealed.
There was a similar Thread awhile back that reminds me of this situation. Regardless, I concur with the Doughnut
There’s trouble in RiverCity!You both need to consult a Marriage Counselor and you both need to be 100% honest with each other. Personally, I’d lay everything on the line. Once he knows you’re ready to play hardball, his true form will be revealed.
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Cruciferi
Guest
Depending on what has transpired, there could be grounds for an Annulment.
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TheLittleLady
Guest
To plant the idea of divorce (required before a Tribunal review of validity) is jumping the gun.
Validity has to do with what happened on the day of the wedding.
Validity has to do with what happened on the day of the wedding.
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