Husband thinks NFP is sinful

[aggiecatholic85]

I have been married 4 years, 3 children (expecting #3). I have rather serious health complications that have required the use of NFP to space our kids. Recent developments there as well as financial difficulties (bankruptcy, job loss/significant reduced income/tiny living space) have made longer abstinence required between children. Recently, my husband revealed to me that he thinks NFP is very sinful and that it’s his opinion that we’re just sinning because we “have to.” He is a convert and a very literal Bible person…he thinks “be fruitful and multiply” is the only aspect of our marriage that should be emphasized. Which leads to me feeling used, refusing intimacy, stress on our marriage, etc. I’ve given him “Holy Sex” and “The Good News about Sex and Marriage” to read. I’ve pointed to church teaching on NFP. I’ve argued that St. Paul talks about “abstinence when agreed upon for prayer.” I’ve cried and stated that I want a break and will continue to refuse him if he continues to treat me like an object through whom to gain his (desired) large family. I don’t know what else to do. He is swamped with work so efforts to speak to our priest are in vain. I have never in my LIFE heard of a HUSBAND thinking that NFP is sinful. I’ve only ever read on here of spouses refusing NFP for arbitrary reasons like it “doesn’t work” or it’s “too hard.” I don’t know how to combat the “NFP is a sin.”

 

[28562]

In the book Be A Man by Fr Larry Richards, he says the primary way for a married man to love and serve God is by loving and serving his wife. It doesn’t sound like he is doing an awesome job of that if he can’t recognize what he is doing to you and your marriage. Maybe you can give him that book as well. I can say it changed me, and maybe it can change him as well. To me, it doesn’t sound like you have a sex problem at all. Sex is how the problem is manifesting itself, but I really think it is more of a respect and selfishness problem on his part.

If he is a literal Bible guy as you say, I wonder if he thinks he is loving his wife as Christ loves the church…ie sacrificing himself and everything he is and wants for your good, not his…

 

[nodito]

It’s not unheard of for people to believe that NFP is sinful. I have seen it several times on these boards. The term you’re looking for is providentialism. Here is an article you or your husband may find helpful: theuniversityconcourse.com/article/1915.html

 

[JustCath]

In the book Be A Man by Fr Larry Richards, he says the primary way for a married man to love and serve God is by loving and serving his wife. It doesn’t sound like he is doing an awesome job of that if he can’t recognize what he is doing to you and your marriage. Maybe you can give him that book as well. I can say it changed me, and maybe it can change him as well. To me, it doesn’t sound like you have a sex problem at all. Sex is how the problem is manifesting itself, but I really think it is more of a respect and selfishness problem on his part.

If he is a literal Bible guy as you say, I wonder if he thinks he is loving his wife as Christ loves the church…ie sacrificing himself and everything he is and wants for your good, not his…

The OP says her husband thinks it is sinful. Thus, what you say is inapplicable. He should be considerate of his wife’s wishes and investigate the question thoroughly if he hasn’t already. But if he remains convinced that it is a sin, then the wife must submit to his headship.

 

[Kelfa28]

The OP says her husband thinks it is sinful. Thus, what you say is inapplicable. He should be considerate of his wife’s wishes and investigate the question thoroughly if he hasn’t already. But if he remains convinced that it is a sin, then the wife must submit to his headship.

You’ve got to be kidding me.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

You’ve got to be kidding me.

NFP is supposed to only be used by mutual agreement between spouses. The other option if a pregnancy is inadvisable is complete abstinence.

 

[JustCath]

You’ve got to be kidding me.

I am most certainly not kidding. My response is the Catholic response instead of the secular response. Unfortunately, the secular response is what everybody, including Catholics, has been conditioned to expect. But people coming onto Catholic forums with such questions is an indication that they are concerned with their spiritual well-being. Thus, giving the canned secular response would be uncharitable and doing them a disservice.

 

[Chantal25]

In the book Be A Man by Fr Larry Richards, he says the primary way for a married man to love and serve God is by loving and serving his wife. It doesn’t sound like he is doing an awesome job of that if he can’t recognize what he is doing to you and your marriage. Maybe you can give him that book as well. I can say it changed me, and maybe it can change him as well. To me, it doesn’t sound like you have a sex problem at all. Sex is how the problem is manifesting itself, but I really think it is more of a respect and selfishness problem on his part.

If he is a literal Bible guy as you say, I wonder if he thinks he is loving his wife as Christ loves the church…ie sacrificing himself and everything he is and wants for your good, not his…

I love this reply but most of all, why don’t you arrange a meeting with your priest. Simply.

Jesus speaks through his priest, you will know this way.

All the best!

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

It’s not unheard of for people to believe that NFP is sinful. I have seen it several times on these boards. The term you’re looking for is providentialism. Here is an article you or your husband may find helpful: theuniversityconcourse.com/article/1915.html

I’ll admit I am short on time, so I only read a portion of the article, but this is clearly someone’s opinion (someone who apparently is not a fan of Janet Smith, or at least not a fan of a conference she gave).

I would suggest Theology of the Body by JPII… or simply the Catechism. It is pretty clear that for just reasons NFP is very much in line with the Church’s teachings.

There are two things that could be going on…

1. Your husband thinks NFP is ok in some situations, just not your own.
2. Your husband thinks NFP is never ok.

If it is the latter, then would he accept documents such as the Catechism and Humanae Vitae as a valid source? These are a good place to show him that the Church does accept NFP. There may be bigger issues if he does not accept the Catechism or encyclicals such as Humanae Vitae as a source of authority.

If it is the former, maybe you need to to set aside some time to talk with him and let him know why you feel you have prayerfully discerned that you guys do have serious reasons to avoid at the present, thus in your situation it wouldn’t be sinful to use NFP since you have just/unselfish reasons to do so. You can ask him why he feels the reasons are not good enough.

 

[The_Bucket]

I am most certainly not kidding. My response is the Catholic response instead of the secular response. Unfortunately, the secular response is what everybody, including Catholics, has been conditioned to expect. But people coming onto Catholic forums with such questions is an indication that they are concerned with their spiritual well-being. Thus, giving the canned secular response would be uncharitable and doing them a disservice.

No, you’re giving a response based on your own opinion that men should basically dominate the household and have the “final say” no matter what. Except that’s not what the Church teaches. The Church teaches that the marriage is a partnership between man and woman based on love and mutual self-sacrifice and the leader of the family is GOD.

 

[Xantippe]

"He is a convert and a very literal Bible person…he thinks “be fruitful and multiply” is the only aspect of our marriage that should be emphasized. "

Can you do a study together of all of the Bible verses dealing with marriage? I would suggest seeing a priest and reading a marriage book together, too, but if he’s a super literal Bible guy, that it may have more impact to see it in black and white in the Bible.

Note, for instance, that the Proverbs 31 woman is not simply praised for having LOTS of kids (although she probably did). I think Proverbs would be a really good book for you to read through together because of the heavy emphasis on prudence, self-control, and family responsibilities.

One thing that’s going to come up in your reading is how much emphasis the Bible puts on raising children up right. There’s verse after verse on that–it’s a major biblical theme. If you had 12 kids, but none of them grew up to be practicing Catholics, you would have failed.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

No, you’re giving a response based on your own opinion that men should basically dominate the household and have the “final say” no matter what. Except that’s not what the Church teaches. The Church teaches that the marriage is a partnership between man and woman based on love and mutual self-sacrifice and the leader of the family is GOD.

In the case of a tie the spouse who does not want to use NFP has the final say.

Neither partner may insist on abstinence against the reasonable protest of the other. The reason for this is the marriage contract. By that contract each partner agrees to satisfy the reasonable and serious request of the other for marital relations; for one partner to default on this contract would be a serious violation of justice. Accordingly, the practice of periodic continence would be lawful when, and just as long as, it is mutually agreeable to the spouses

Catholic Marriage Manual - George A Kelly.

 

[Litcrit]

In the case of a tie the spouse who does not want to use NFP has the final say.

What would that mean in the OP’s case? That her husband should rape her every time she is fertile so she’d get pregnant?

 

[The_Bucket]

In the case of a tie the spouse who does not want to use NFP has the final say.

No offense, but that’s absolute nonsense. There’s no “tie goes to the runner” type situation. Neither side gets the final say.

In this case it’s clear that the husband is wrong-headed. This family is dealing with serious financial strains and probably physical and mental health strains as well. Three kids in four years is a lot. And I say that as someone whose wife is expecting our third and we’ve been married for 5.5 years now. That’s a lot.

But we’re OK on our finances and my wife’s health is good. We just got two kids quick out of the gate. Our son will be five when our new one is born and our daughter will be four. Plenty of spacing there.

I don’t understand the husband’s point of view here. He’s getting refused intimacy and making his wife feel guilty, frazzled and used. That’s the worst part here. She’s feeling like she’s being used as nothing but a vehicle for him to fulfill his desires to have a lot of kids. That’s a serious, serious situation.

So no, there’s no “in case of a tie, this side has to yield.” In case of a tie, you pray some more. In case of a tie, you talk it over more. In case of a tie, you take it to a priest or deacon or Catholic counselor.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

What would that mean in the OP’s case? That her husband should rape her every time she is fertile so she’d get pregnant?

No, of course not, it just means they would abstain. All I am suggesting is that the use of NFP is something that must be done by mutual agreement and with a serious reason.

 

[catholicmamajoy]

No offense, but that’s absolute nonsense. There’s no “tie goes to the runner” type situation. Neither side gets the final say.

In this case it’s clear that the husband is wrong-headed. This family is dealing with serious financial strains and probably physical and mental health strains as well. Three kids in four years is a lot. And I say that as someone whose wife is expecting our third and we’ve been married for 5.5 years now. That’s a lot.

But we’re OK on our finances and my wife’s health is good. We just got two kids quick out of the gate. Our son will be five when our new one is born and our daughter will be four. Plenty of spacing there.

I don’t understand the husband’s point of view here. He’s getting refused intimacy and making his wife feel guilty, frazzled and used. That’s the worst part here. She’s feeling like she’s being used as nothing but a vehicle for him to fulfill his desires to have a lot of kids. That’s a serious, serious situation.

So no, there’s no “in case of a tie, this side has to yield.” In case of a tie, you pray some more. In case of a tie, you talk it over more. In case of a tie, you take it to a priest or deacon or Catholic counselor.

Yes, the OP said in her post that she has some serious health complications that require the use of NFP to space children. Her health is at risk and apparently her husband isn’t taking that into consideration.

 

[Kelfa28]

I am most certainly not kidding. My response is the Catholic response instead of the secular response. Unfortunately, the secular response is what everybody, including Catholics, has been conditioned to expect. But people coming onto Catholic forums with such questions is an indication that they are concerned with their spiritual well-being. Thus, giving the canned secular response would be uncharitable and doing them a disservice.

Read the bible and the Catholic Catechism.

You are grossly mistaken. That is NOT a Catholic response. It is a misogynistic reply that does no service to the OP…disguised behind the red herring that is “secularism” according to you.

Her husband is wrong about NFP and you’re wrong about the fundamental roles between husband and wife.

A husband is NOT the absolute lord and ruler of his household. If he is wrong…which in this case he is…then he CANNOT force, let along expect, his wife to submit.

NFP…according to the Church, is NOT sinful if there is grave reason to abstain. Between child spacing and financial difficulties, this couple has obvious reasons to abstain.

Anyone can see that plainly.

Misogyny has no place within Catholicism.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Yes, the OP said in her post that she has some serious health complications that require the use of NFP to space children. Her health is at risk and apparently her husband isn’t taking that into consideration.

The use of NFP is never a requirement. It is always something that must be done by mutual consent and with a serious reason. It isn’t something that can be forced upon either spouse.

 

[Kelfa28]

No, of course not, it just means they would abstain. All I am suggesting is that the use of NFP is something that must be done by mutual agreement and with a serious reason.

In my humble opinion…financial difficulties are ample reasons for abstinence. As is child spacing.
I believe the Church feels the same way.

 

[catholicmamajoy]

The use of NFP is never a requirement. It is always something that must be done by mutual consent and with a serious reason. It isn’t something that can be forced upon either spouse.

If she needs to space pregnancies for her health, which is a very serious reason, then she must do something to avoid getting pregnant for a while. This is why her husband needs to understand what the Church teaches on this…for the sake of his wife’s health (and possibly life, depending on how serious her health issues are) and for the sake of their marriage.