Husband told me he cheated

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Lizzy21

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Long story short… We have been fighting for a few months due to him doing everything for his cousins that only take advantage of his generosity. So I finally put my foot down when his cousins girlfriend wanted to borrow one of our cars. I told him no Bc she can wreck it and we don’t know her and his cousin and her don’t have good track records. They only caused problems. So my husband went behind my back and still let her borrow our car, well first day she had it she hit someone. She didn’t tell us right away. I got a phone call from my car insurance asking about an accident with my car that we hardly drive. So this is one example that my husband doesn’t take my opinion into consideration. We have been together 8 years and we have 3 children. I just had our 3rd in march. So he stayed out all night Friday night and Saturday night. Didn’t come home until 6am. So it was probably then when he was cheating. I noticed him acting different these last couple days because you know when someone is hiding something. Last night I kept asking him if something was going on and he admitted and said he received oral sex only from someone. I didn’t know how to react but to ask him to leave ASAP. I’m 99% sure I won’t be able to trust him again and i want a divorce. I prayed about it all night and all this morning.

My family needs prayers. Thx.
 
I’m sorry to hear this about your marriage. I do understand recently that the Church teaches that we should forgive our cheating spouses. Try, if you can.
 
Please realize that you are in shock mode. You have every right to be, every right to feel what you’re feeling, every right not to want to be anywhere near him/see him or speak to him.

Nonetheless , you are in a state of shock and this is not when permanent decisions should be taken. You are even more vulnerable because you have recently given birth.
This is definitely a marriage crisis, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the marriage. I agree that you should find a priest, a friend who is strong in her faith or a spiritual director. You need support, someone who will listen amd someone who will also help absorb the shock and be more objective.

I can’t even really sit and think about all of this because the mere thought of it is enough to leave me completely distraught. This is a HUGE cross. May the Father give you the strength to carry it just as He did for His own Son!

Will be praying for you!
 
I don’t blame you for wanting to throw the bum out, but when things die down a bit, and you can think more clearly, see if he will go to counseling with you. You have invested 8 years and have children with him, it is worth trying to save this marriage. It is not easy to forgive, but it can be done, if you both are willing to work hard. :hug1:
 
1inICXC said:
Please realize that you are in shock mode. You have every right to be, every right to feel what you’re feeling, every right not to want to be anywhere near him/see him or speak to him.

Nonetheless , you are in a state of shock and this is not when permanent decisions should be taken.
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I agree. You are in a state of shock and very fresh hurt as well being at the mercy of all those hormones from a recent birth. This is NOT the time to make any decisions about anything.

Talk to your husband. Ask him if he wants to preserve the marriage and ask him if he would be willing to go to counseling. Also, talk to your priest and have your husband talk to the priest as well.

I advise against telling friends and family. Not yet, anyways. This is a private matter between you, your husband, and God. If you do tell friends and family what your husband did it could be very difficult for both of you to face them in the future should you preserve the marriage.
 
Bottom line (I’m no kid, I know a lot about men): sex and love have very little to do with one another for men, more so than for women (who have, sadly, begun to form the same conclusions).

You have issues in the marriage, yes; does any marriage have no issues? (looking around with no hope in sight).

Counseling? Yes. Speaking to your confessor, absolutely. Throwing him out because of this single incident, well, I understand why you want to (you just had a baby!) but…what made you love him in the first place? What sort of father is he? What sort of husband has he been (other than letting some idiot borrow the car)? How does he treat HIS mother, sister, etc. and your mother, siblings, etc.? This is a serious incident, yes; have marriages survived infidelity, yes. How do you trust him again? Dunno but your family depends on you making a careful, CALM, rational and well informed decision here. Go slowly.
 
I’m sorry for your situation Lizzy. I’m going to pray a couple of hail marys and a couple of our fathers. Maybe those prayers will help. That’s all I can do! If I’ve known you personally, I would have done more, but online, the closest I could get to helping you would be if I pray. 🙂
 
Understand the nature of the beast. When men cheat, it is never a whoops…can’t believe that just happened. They are calculating. They are aware of what they are gambling with and make their decision based on what they stand to lose. If they are not happy or things are strained at home or there is a lack of intimacy and you are distant as a couple…lots of fighting…then the warning signs are there. A long time before the affair occurs, he will begin orchestrating his life in such a fashion that will allow temptation to enter. From here on in…it is just a matter of time. He has set his life up, so an affair is now very much a possibility.
In a loving relationship we have no trouble having empathy with those closest to us. He did not give any thought as to how he would feel if the roles were reversed.
Let this be your indicator of his position in your marriage.

His motivation is self indulging and quite selfish. Your hurt feelings were not enough to prevent him from having the affair. He could not imagine how he would feel or whether he could forgive you or how he would be able to move forward if the roles were reversed. What would be his expectations of you within the marriage if it had have been you who had cheated? Would or could he be all forgiving? How hurt and devastated would he have been at the betrayal of his trust? Theses would be interesting questions to ask him.

The time for proactive counseling has passed and you are now in the reactive zone.
Where you go from here is entirely up to you. It is a cross I’m not sure I would be willing to carry.
Forgive him by all means…Free yourself and move on without this skeleton hanging in the closet. If you continually make him pay…he’ll do it again. How do you completely remove this trauma from your thoughts in order to move forward? I don’t know if its possible? How does anyone deal with a loss? I don’t think its by being reminded of the trauma every single day. Every time he’s late, or every time you have an argument or every time he looks at someone else or talks to another women.

So so sorry for your loss and the difficulties you must now face with such a young family.
 
MindNight said:
I’m sorry for your situation Lizzy. I’m going to pray a couple of hail marys and a couple of our fathers. Maybe those prayers will help. That’s all I can do! If I’ve known you personally, I would have done more, but online, the closest I could get to helping you would be if I pray. 🙂
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I THINK THAT I NEED TO SAY A FEW PRAYERS FOR YOU SINCE YOU INTRODUCE YOURSELF AS "Doubting Catholicism " which is 2000 years old, while all the Protestants are only go from a few hundred years old to yesterday. I am a Convert myself, my parents did not talk to me for 10 years for changing to be a Catholic so I prize my new Religion like a pearl of great price, you are most probably born a Catholic so its easy come and easy go - that is until you meet the Lord.
Please take your religion more seriously, that putting it as “Doubting Catholicism” you should be a light to the World for the Glory of Jesus. I will keep you in my prayers that you will able to say
“Catholic Forever, I love my religion”.:signofcross:
 
This makes me want to puke. I would feel the same way. Cheating for me I think would be a deal-breaker. Praying for you and your family.
 
My prayers for you and your family to get through this time.

You are definately in a state of shock. You need time, as another poster suggested, to process all this.

Remember Jesus is by your side in the bad circumstances too. Lean on Him and give Him all your sorrow.
 
Thank you everyone for the advice and support.
My husband has always been a very kind and loving man. He’s a wonderful dad and works hard to provide. I think taking time apart we can both evaluate this situation. I do love him and I would be willing to work things out Bc that is what we are called to do. In the last 2 years my faith has grown and my relationship with our Lord has been strengthened. Our marriage has been wonderful, up until he gets influenced by his cousins that are not serious about life. I know he’s just trying to help them out but in the midst he loses his concentration on his family. My faith is strong and I believe everything will turn out the way it is suppose to. I leave it all to God. Thanks again.
 
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