Husband unfaithful but don't want to leave

[JoeKR]

My husband and I are 14 months into recovery from his affair. While no affair is identical, there are common threads to all of them, as well as to recovery from them. Of course you are very conflicted right now, and you are not getting the most Catholic of advice from this thread.

Your first stop should be to the doctor - for your health. If you haven’t already, you should stop sleeping with him until you are both cleared for STDs and until he is ready to commit to you again.

Your next stop should be to your priest. He can guide you how to move from here in an appropriate fashion.

You can consider seeing a lawyer for some advice. It certainly doesn’t hurt to have a little legwork done in that area if your husband is as unstable as he sounds. You don’t want him to hit you with divorce/separation paperwork unawares. BUT, that doesn’t mean you have to file yourself - it just means that you are prepared in case.

Be VERY careful about who you tell. It is very difficult for your parents/siblings to move past this if you end up staying together. Find a couple of close friends who will support you no matter what you chose. (And I am available through PM if you want.)

He said he is willing to try but not sure if he can change. That is where your relationship is. He will need to agree to marital counseling as well as individual counseling. He will need to have some accountability to you and perhaps an accountability partner (a man, perhaps the priest). If he does not become willing to do these things, you will need to consider separating. No matter what he choses, you MUST get counseling for yourself. Definitely do not move on as if nothing happened.

As Kage_ar said, you did not vow, “until affair do us part.” Research shows that most couples who divorce quickly, regret that decision within 5 years. If your husband is willing to do his part, take some time to figure out what is best for you and your marriage. It may mean staying and it may mean divorcing, but it is too new and painful to make that decision (again, IF he is willing to do the work).

Sometimes marriages end after these situations, but if both parties do the work and stay together, they usually find that their marriage is better and more fulfilling than before.

God bless you during this very difficult time. PM me whenever.

(BTW Nino, I know full well the assault that infidelity is on marriage. I don’t know if you’ve experienced it, but those of us who have know more than anyone who hasn’t can imagine. BUT, it doesn’t mean that the marriage is invalid. It is certainly possible for a person to enter into marriage fully intending to fulfill his/her vows, only to sin horribly in this area. In which case, you have a valid marriage, seriously damaged by adultery.)

First, to the original poster, I will keep you in my prayers.

Second, hurtandhealing has offered some great advice above as someone who has experienced infidelity first hand.

Unfortunately I am also in the same boat. My wife asked for for a separation/divorce about 4.5 months ago, and afterwards I learned of her affair which continues to this day. We would have been married 5 years this past May, and we have no children. I have spent countless hours reading up on infidelity and marriages and have learned a great deal. It is probably one of the worst things anyone can experience in their life. I recommend you please visit www.marriagebuilders.com where there is more information than you can possibly read, especially the forum section. Please note the website has no religious affiliation, but I have found it very useful. In the forums you can find many people dealing with similar situations, and as hurtandhealing stated, there are common themes to all affiars.

As others have recommended I would find a good counselor for yourself. And take some time to think about everything. Your mind may change from day today on how you feel, especially in the beginning. The best advice I can give you is to educate yourself, learn as much as possible, and work on yourself, because if you do this you will be a better person in the end regardless of whether you reconcile your marriage with your husband.

 

[Snugglebugmom]

A well-known television psychologist has a saying that I believe applies in most situations like this one. The best indicator for future behavior is past behavior. If it is one affair, and a serious one instead of a one-night-stand type lapse in judgment, I believe it is something that can be dealt with and that a marriage can survive if both partners are willing to work hard. We are all human, it is possible to develop feelings for someone other than your spouse, especially if your marriage is in trouble at the time. I believe it is always wrong to act upon those feelings, but I have heard of it happening and people moving past it after a while.
Three one-night stands are an entirely different matter. This is not a mistake, it’s a pattern. It does seem to me like this man is nowhere ready for the commitment of marriage. He seems rather immature. I would definitely not just pack up and leave, but keep in the back of your mind that it is likely that halfway through the counseling process, he will probably give up and either start having more affairs or leave altogether. I hope I’m wrong. But frankly, I doubt it.
Prayers for you, I know how incredibly hard this is to deal with. I have been where you are, and I have come out stronger, wiser, and with a better sense of who I am and what I am looking for in a partner. {{{hugs}}}

 

[flyingfish]

Hello -

I have been married four years and we don’t have any children yet. My husband and I have been discussing problems in our relationship for awhile and I have felt frustrated with him for some time. He stopped going to church with me after we were married for a year. I want children, but he keeps delaying. I have suspected that something else deeper was wrong - more than just us disagreeing on things - then he told me that he has had 3 one night stands with other women (he said they were random). I had thought that if I found out he was cheating that that would be it and I would go talk to a priest about seperation and annulment since I thought this was grounds for it. However, now that I know, I don’t want a seperation - I’m not sure I’m even mad at him - I’m more just so very sad and wish this would have never happened. I want to work it out and I have told him this. He said he does not think we can work it out, but I want to try - he has said he is willing to try but he is not sure he can change. He has resisted counseling in the past, but I am going to try again.

I have read lots of posts on here - some say to go, some say to stay. I am praying for God’s guidance and am trying to set up a meeting with my local priest for guidance.

I have told my mom that he lied to me, but I am afriad to tell her (or anyone very close to me) that he has cheated - feeling that if I do - then there may be no hope for repairing our marriage.

I feel lost and like I have failed at our marriage.

He said he doesn’t think you can work it out, and is not sure he can change. He has had 3 affairs and doesn’t want children.

You may very well have strong grounds for annulment, especially if he married you without intending to be open to life.

I personally do not think you should stay with this man, the fact that he cheated 3 times and himself admits that he is not sure he can change. If there never was a marriage you need to get the annulment and walk away. You can be with someone who is faithful, who loves you, and who wants to have a family with you.

You may be attached and dependent on this guy now, but those feelings will pass with time.

 

[canne]

I am sorry that you are going through this. I won’t attempt to tell you what to do or give advice on if you should stay or go. I will however share with you that my DH of now 21 years had an affair 9 years ago, she was younger, a co- worker who had come to him seeking advice about leaving her husband and a shoulder to cry on regarding her marriage and…over a period of months he became completelty infatuated, they eventually began an affair and at the time he thought he was in love…he was troubled, confused . We had been married for 12 years at that time but had been together for much longer since we were both 15/16 years old-high school sweethearts. I chose to stay. Heartbroken, Devasted-Yes. But my frame of mind was this was MY husband and she couldn’t have him. My Dh did speak with our priest and seek confession. After a few months it had become quite clear to him what a huge error he had made and how blinded he had become after she continued to call him, send him gifts and contacted ME angrly by phone. He realized that he had been her ticket out of her marriage .It was a difficult road and we had lots of long talks and I shed alot of tears …I did not seek outside counseling and I have never told anyone of his affair,During this time period I began reading a book-a fantastic , biblical book by a Christian Author ,This book was a guide it gave me hope, insight and the knowledge that God was on my side and had a design and plan for my marriage and it was God’s guidance I sought for my understanding and healing and although I had always "believed " in Jesus it was only during this trial in my life that I truly gave my heart and soul to him. I would not change a thing if I could…it was a trial and I walked through the valley indeed but I highly reccomend this book to ALL married couples it is called LOVE LIFE by Ed Wheat, M.D. It really opened my eyes to how vunerable and unprotected our marriage had become. I love my husband dearly and I do not for one instance regret my decision at all.

My prayers are with you.

 

[Mdybiblegal]

Sorry to be so blunt, but it doesn’t sound like this man is worthy of you. He’s putting off having kids, has cheated on you multiple times and tells you basically that he has no intention of stopping. I think this was probably never a real marriage to start with. The Catholic Church has options for annulments of marriages that were built on false pretenses (such as the pretense of fidelity and having children…) Perhaps this is something you can look into?

You sound like a loyal woman who can do much better. So sorry for you and all you’re going through.

 

[Lifeisamazing]

I am just here to tell you that I am really sorry you are being put through this.

He is telling you he does not want to work on your marriage. He has confessed to repeated adultery. He said he doesn’t think he can change.

He is putting you at risk for STD’s. You need to visit your OBGYN asap and get a work up. Then you need to go see an attorney and seperate. Then go visit your priest and tell all.

Although I applaud you for wanting to work on things, he sounds abusive to me. I did not read all the posts, but your first one. Really heart breaking. You don’t deserve this. Please take care of yourself and free yourself and begin anew with a real man that walks in Christ.