I met with an attorney today. She went on and on about finances, it sounds as if I’m covered financially. She said there was only a benefit to one party filing first if there were danger of a struggle over custody of the child. I really don’t feel any better now that I’ve spoken with an attorney. It was gut wrenching to go in there and fill out paperwork with my family’s names and be asked about property and stuff like that. This is just not what I want. We don’t have any property, or money. We don’t have anything but the baby.
I have to talk to him, I just don’t know how. I have to do it soon. It’s so hard to always be the one who has to bring up our failing relationship. Usually it comes up because I’ve found out about a betrayal, so I’m basically forced by my emotions to bring it up with him. He’s so hard to talk to, he just shuts down and waits for me to shut up and leave him alone. There’s no getting through to him.
Our anniversary is next weekend. What if I were to arrange an overnight trip somewhere for the two of us and leave the baby with my parents? Would it be a bad thing to make this sort of arrangement, and then ruin the whole trip by bringing up marriage counseling? It would be so much better if someone else were there to help me talk to him! He evades talking about the real issues by bringing up my faith and telling me that I’ve been brainwashed. How he would have never married me if he’d known I was going to turn religious. I don’t understand what the big deal is, I don’t try to convert him. I told him that from the beginning of my conversion. He brings it up in every single argument, and there’s just no getting past it with him. And even if I did arrange an overnight trip with him, I don’t want to have sex with him. I’m really starting to fear that he has followed through on some of that correspondence with prostitutes.
So, I just called and made a follow up appt with the marriage counselor to see if I could get some better advice, but they can’t get me in till after our anniversary. When asked if my husband wanted a follow up visit as well, I responded that he refused to return, and then just about lost my composure.
A real sad thing about the mails to prostitutes is that the most recent one that I saw looked like a very lonely man who just wants a girlfriend he can talk to. He responded to an ad that was nasty, but then in the mails he’s writing out lyrics to a song we both like, and talking about doing the same fun things we did a lot before the baby was born. It’s so sad. We both really really miss each other. I know he loves me, I don’t know why we can’t connect anymore. I know I’ve made mistakes, and can be hyper critical. But really, to respond in the way he has, I just don’t get it why he can’t tell me what he needs without there being a fight and throwing threats of divorce at me. If I hurt his feelings with a cross word, he doesn’t let me know, I have to figure it out on my own. I just wish we could talk to each other. I wouldn’t be sneaking around checking his e-mail if we could just talk to each other, and I doubt he would be doing the things he’s doing either.
I’m not going to go stay with my parents. My church is three miles away, and I have a good social support system there, although none of them know or would probably want to know about my marriage difficulties. But it’s still a group of people whom I can depend on for at least a distraction. I also have two of my best friends as neighbors here. He has no one, he doesn’t even want to live here. He’s still talking about us buying a home together close to my parent’s house. I don’t know what’s going on with him, and he doesn’t want me to know.
I sure appreciate everyone’s opinion here. You have all been very helpful to me. Thank you, and God bless you all.
Should I go ahead and get it now for some reason? And I should hide my passport and the marriage license and baby’s shot records and social security card? What’s the point of this? How can these docs cause trouble?