Husband wants divorce

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Nettie01

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Hi Everyone,

I am typing this for advice and mostly prayers. My husband asked for a divorce on Sunday night and then left for a trip away with his dad and uncle for a week. I don’t want to talk to my family yet and I would like us to go to counseling together, but I don’t know if he will be willing. He said previously that he was unhappy with everything in his life. I thought it was mostly his job, etc. He quit is job and is now unemployed, but I guess he was mostly unhappy with me. We don’t fight really and are not abusive. He says he can not be himself around me and that he dreads when I am coming home, etc. He is non Catholic. We have been married for 6 years and have a 10, 5 and 3 year old together. I have tried to schedule a therapist for myself, but can not get an app until next week. I also called my local parish priest and he said that this is my husbands decision and I can’t change it, but to pray. I feel like everything has shut down and I can’t breath. Please pray for us and my children. Thank you and God Bless!
 
I’m so very sorry you’re going through this.

My husband walked out on me, leaving me with two very young children. It is an awful, awful feeling. It really feels like getting kicked in the gut. When he left, I resorted to a lot of prayer and putting everything in God’s hands. I also asked St. Joseph for help. DH eventually came home and eventually became a wonderful father and husband. So you just never know what will happen. There are no guarantees and God will not force your husband to do anything, but He will give your husband the grace to choose to do the right thing. And if he rejects that grace, well then God will give you the grace to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

You will be in my prayers and sending giant cyber hugs. You WILL get through this!
 
Nettie01 said:
Hi Everyone,

I am typing this for advice and mostly prayers. My husband asked for a divorce on Sunday night and then left for a trip away with his dad and uncle for a week. I don’t want to talk to my family yet and I would like us to go to counseling together, but I don’t know if he will be willing. He said previously that he was unhappy with everything in his life. I thought it was mostly his job, etc. He quit is job and is now unemployed, but I guess he was mostly unhappy with me. We don’t fight really and are not abusive. He says he can not be himself around me and that he dreads when I am coming home, etc. He is non Catholic. We have been married for 6 years and have a 10, 5 and 3 year old together. I have tried to schedule a therapist for myself, but can not get an app until next week. I also called my local parish priest and he said that this is my husbands decision and I can’t change it, but to pray. I feel like everything has shut down and I can’t breath. Please pray for us and my children. Thank you and God Bless!
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I wonder if there isn’t some sort of mental illness thing going on? People also start acting weird sometimes when they have brain tumors.See if you can get him evaluated once he comes back. It sounds like his decision-making apparatus has gone kablooey.

It’s pretty weird to quit a job with no new job lined up, to head out for a week-long trip, and to go for a divorce, all at the same time.

If you have money in your bank account, I would suggest taking out enough cash for living on for a week in case he suddenly empties the joint account, because that does happen. If he doesn’t do that, it’s fine. If he does do it, then you won’t be immediately in crisis mode.

I think I’d also keep an eye on any credit card accounts, as a sudden spree may accompany the sort of behavior your husband is engaging in (one of my aunties had her husband buy a huge Suburban just before he left for good–she’s still driving it 15 years later). If you see that starting to happen, warn him and shut down the joint accounts.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
 
Xantippe said:
I wonder if there isn’t some sort of mental illness thing going on? People also start acting weird sometimes when they have brain tumors.See if you can get him evaluated once he comes back. It sounds like his decision-making apparatus has gone kablooey.

It’s pretty weird to quit a job with no new job lined up, to head out for a week-long trip, and to go for a divorce, all at the same time.

If you have money in your bank account, I would suggest taking out enough cash for living on for a week in case he suddenly empties the joint account, because that does happen. If he doesn’t do that, it’s fine. If he does do it, then you won’t be immediately in crisis mode.

I think I’d also keep an eye on any credit card accounts, as a sudden spree may accompany the sort of behavior your husband is engaging in (one of my aunties had her husband buy a huge Suburban just before he left for good–she’s still driving it 15 years later). If you see that starting to happen, warn him and shut down the joint accounts.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
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I think that’s very good advice. Please take steps immediately to protect yourself financially, regardless of what happens with your marriage. Especially with little ones to care for, you can’t take the chance of your hubby emptying your accounts or racking up credit card debt that YOU would be responsible for even in a divorce.

Might be a good idea to consult with an attorney to protect yourself right now legally and financially. Just because you take those steps, doesn’t mean you and your DH can’t eventually work things out.
 
My sincere condolences for what you’re going through. Wife decided she wasn’t happy after 3 kids and 21 years of marriage. A very confusing time. In the midst of all this, don’t forget yourself, you do need to take care of yourself in order to be there for your kids as well.

I strongly recommend you and your husband read the following two books:

“Depression Fallout” by Anne Sheffield (depressionfallout.org/)

“Should You Leave” by Dr. Peter Kramer

At this point, it’s hard, but stay calm and stay analytical. I can’t give you good advice since I don’t know the personalities. You know what may set your husband off-- things like one of you starting to separate funds without talking to the other first could turn things ugly when they don’t need to be. Whatever happens you will need to co-parent. My legally ex and sacramentally never was wife was never greedy. We sat down, talked things through, went through a mediator. We had a joint investment account that we didn’t liquidate until 6 months after the divorce was final. There was never a question in my mind that she’d empty an account- I’m hoping she always felt the same.

I know it’s hard, but if you have any hope of reconciliation-- be the person he would want to stay with. That will be hard if you turn bitter. You have every right to be angry, but again, be analytical. Sit down, consider your goals for both you and your kids. What it will take to make that happen. Do not do things in the short term out of emotion that will mess things up for your goals in the future.

Good idea in going to a therapist, as much for getting advice for assiting your kids through this as for yourself.

Pray for the guidance of the Holy Spirit. He will be with you in this. I managed to end up with full custody of my kids without court fights. Keep them safe and enable them to have full access to their mother while feeling safe, secure and with some control of their lives at a time when much of it was being turned upside down.
 
:hug3:

I went through a similar experience 8 years ago – the “can’t be myself” thing, leaving a good-paying job (with benefits), not being a Catholic, etc. We divorced a few months later. My exhusband is still not Catholic (he left the Church over 25 years ago), still single, and still under-employed.

But he is an excellent dad who treasures his son and is trying to do right by him… except for that whole not-loving-and-being-married-to-his-mom thing.

You cannot know what the future will bring. And you cannot control how your husband thinks or acts.

But you can pray. You can contact another priest at another parish, and keep calling until one agrees to meet with the two of you.

And talking with your family (and friends) might be a good thing to do. It could give you support, and they might have some wisdom to share. It was REALLY hard for me to tell my mom, but she was so loving and gentle and understanding when I told her. She just loved and supported me so much… I’m still moved by her…

Anyway, I will bring your situation to our day of prayer and fasting tomorrow.

And may God grant you peace. St. Joseph, pray for us! St. Rita, pray for us!

Gertie
 
Praying for you! I second the idea that your husband may have clinical depression.
 
Nettie01 said:
Hi Everyone,

I am typing this for advice and mostly prayers. My husband asked for a divorce on Sunday night and then left for a trip away with his dad and uncle for a week. I don’t want to talk to my family yet and I would like us to go to counseling together, but I don’t know if he will be willing. He said previously that he was unhappy with everything in his life. I thought it was mostly his job, etc. He quit is job and is now unemployed, but I guess he was mostly unhappy with me. We don’t fight really and are not abusive. He says he can not be himself around me and that he dreads when I am coming home, etc. He is non Catholic. We have been married for 6 years and have a 10, 5 and 3 year old together. I have tried to schedule a therapist for myself, but can not get an app until next week. I also called my local parish priest and he said that this is my husbands decision and I can’t change it, but to pray. I feel like everything has shut down and I can’t breath. Please pray for us and my children. Thank you and God Bless!
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Praying for the intentions of you & your family.
 
Nettie01, you have my prayers and sympathy also. It sounds like he may be in typical midlife crisis which is much more common than people realise. I thought your Priests advice was a good starting point. It is his decision and that nothing you can do or say will change it. He has to work through it himself. That is so hard on you having life as you know it suddenly turned on end.

Try not to take it personally even though he says things that will really hurt you to the core. You are the one who knows the reality and have the clear head at the moment. Do a bit of quick research on the midlife crisis but don’t get too involved in the forums about it. There is a lot of crazy messed up people on that circuit. Find yourself a trustworthy support person/people as per Gertabelles advice. You will be so much more secure with some good shoulders to lean on.

God bless you and your family.
 
Lots of good advice here. I would also add, if you have any suspicion that he’s having an affair, hire a private investigator. I didn’t find out the truth for sure until 7 years after my husband left. Better to know up front than to wonder - and to go through the torture of blaming yourself.
 
Thank you all so much. Your advice and kind words bring me to tears. I am not talking to my family about this right now because I am hoping that because of prayer my husband will come back from his trip and want to try counseling. I am hoping that through the Holy Spirit his heart will soften and that he will agree to counseling.

We have been through so much in life together. I had our daughter at 19. We weren’t together but did share responsibility until she was 4 and then we got married when she was 5. I don’t know if the upcoming divorce is a residual of this or if it is about how he really feels now or maybe even a little young midlife crisis. He is more materialist and I have never really cared about what we have. I think when he quit his job without talking to me about it- he thought I should have stepped up and got a second job. Maybe that is true. I know this is my fault too that’s why counseling is essential but the more ppl I can get to pray would help more than anything! Thank you all again and God bless!!
 
Nettie01 said:
I think when he quit his job without talking to me about it- he thought I should have stepped up and got a second job. Maybe that is true.

**Oh my goodness.

Who quits a job without 1) consulting with a spouse and 2) finding a new job? That’s ridiculous. I’d understand, maybe if his job was clubbing baby seals and he just couldn’t take it anymore, but I bet it wasn’t. **
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Nettie01 said:
Also if it is a midlife crisis he is only 33 and I am 30. :-/
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Oh it does happen. Often something major will happen to trigger the shift like a personal health scare or the serious illness or death of a significant relative or a major life event concerning a friend.
 
I’m so sorry you are going through this tough time. Please don’t blame yourself. Often when men say such things they are unhappy with themselves and choose the nuclear option even though their spouse and kids aren’t the problem. Hopefully, he will come to his senses by the time he comes home and have a plan to work things out in addition to a plan to get a new job or at least some job training.

Prayers.
 
Nettie, quitting both his job and his family does seem to indicate that your husband may be stressed and depressed. Leaving may be his perceived way of saving himself.

While you are not talking to your family, it is probably unlikely that your husband isn’t talking to his father and uncle whilst away fishing together for a week. Your best hope may be if those men have wisdom, and have respect for family.

It doesn’t seem unusual for one marriage partner to be stronger, or to have more power over choices than the other partner, who may appear to comply, yet underneath feels trapped by a sense of not being free in decisions and choices. Maybe this is part of why your husband feels he can’t be himself around you.
I’ve often felt that way myself. It evokes, at times, much stronger feelings than the partner realizes, but the other partner is so convinced of the rightness and justice of their decisions or choices, that there is no way of over-ruling it. It can be principles/personality differences, and yes one mightn’t argue, mightn’t say much, but the strong feelings are there nevertheless.

And non-Catholics married to Catholics must sometimes feel this kind of pressure.
It’s never really an equal relationship when the marriage is guided by the principles of another’s faith to which the non-Catholic partner has no intellectual or emotional loyalty (eg, NFP. The person might agree, but still privately feel a sense of injustice that gradually eats away.

Praying for you both, and your three children.
God bless you all,
Trish
 
I know you are going through a tough time and wish you well. Make sure you protect yourself financially in this situation. Usually, if a man says he wants a divorce he has been thinking about it for quite some time and there may be someone else in the picture. That has been my experience and the experience of others I know. I grasped at straws and asked mine to go to counseling and he agreed only to get in there and continually say he didn’t want to get back together. So, I guess he agreed to the counseling only so that he would look good - like he was doing something when he really wasn’t. Then he married the woman in his office 6 months later. So, what I am saying is that you can attempt to get him into counseling but at the same time you must protect yourself.
 
PLEASE READ… Hey so I’m your husband, not literally, I’ve never met you, but I’m that guy. I know ladies, go ahead call me all the names in the book cause we all know what’s going on here. From my perspective, he is already cheating, but not because of anything your doing wrong. I know right the typical guy response “it’s not you”.

And before I say anything else let me say, I’m so sorry your going through this and I’m praying for you and more than anything I hope I’m wrong! I pray I’m dead to rights wrong!!!

Second before you finish reading this you need to go protect yourself and your children financially.

Okay so during Holy Week this year I became very tempted by lust. I joined dating websites, I talked to girls, porn was involved, the whole casket. Not that it makes it any better but I never met any of them just phone and web, which is just about as bad. Anyway, of course I’m dumb…

My wife caught me. I was sorry, I regretted it, and within 12 hours I had new names and new profiles, but I’m dumb…

My wife caught me, so we did a lot of things but the reason I felt compelled to embarrass myself in front of all the Catholics of the world is because there are two books that I want you to read. If you can’t afford them private message me and I’ll mail you mine. They are called “the truth about why men cheat” and “connect to love”.

In there they talk about how a lot of it’s not sexual, there are three types of cheaters, etc. they are written by a guy named Gary Neuman if I remember correctly. I’m sure there are a ton of great books but these helped me and my wife.

We are still together, more in love, more communication (talking, notebooks diaries), more fighting, never as intense a before though, after 12 years of marriage we are learning to be married.

Oh I can tell you some stories that will likely make you think our marriages are pretty much the same, and I can tell some that would make your blood curdle. But we are moving past my indiscretions, working through my problems, and make no mistake it has more than everything to do with God and my angel of a wife.

Anyway, I hope and pray everything works out for you, I hope you keep us updated with how things are going!
Nettie01 said:
Hi Everyone,

I am typing this for advice and mostly prayers. My husband asked for a divorce on Sunday night and then left for a trip away with his dad and uncle for a week. I don’t want to talk to my family yet and I would like us to go to counseling together, but I don’t know if he will be willing. He said previously that he was unhappy with everything in his life. I thought it was mostly his job, etc. He quit is job and is now unemployed, but I guess he was mostly unhappy with me. We don’t fight really and are not abusive. He says he can not be himself around me and that he dreads when I am coming home, etc. He is non Catholic. We have been married for 6 years and have a 10, 5 and 3 year old together. I have tried to schedule a therapist for myself, but can not get an app until next week. I also called my local parish priest and he said that this is my husbands decision and I can’t change it, but to pray. I feel like everything has shut down and I can’t breath. Please pray for us and my children. Thank you and God Bless!
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I’ll pray for you and your kids now, and write a better post with more later!

I’m in pretty much the same boat, but a little older. 😉

Do you have a close, trusted friend that you can talk with? I know all of us here in your computer are great and all, but really you need a hug or 20 and someone to cry with.

And pray. Imagine yourself in God’s humongous hands. Do you know the story about the apostles in the boat during the storm? You are in the storm and the best thing to do is to keep you focus on God and to trust God.

The other quick thing is this… you will be OK. Really. See, I’m further down this road than you (mine moved out in June, and we did counseling, and had so many awful arguments, etc, etc.), and I am still here. So hang in there. It is awful, I’m not going to tell you otherwise, and I have days where I can’t stop crying, but each day is a teeny tiny bit better than the last.

OK, one more thing. Pray for him. He sounds like he’s not doing well at all and it probably has little to do with you. He’s flailing about and you are in the way of his flailing, just like his job. I try to pray for mine every day, and yes, it’s incredibly difficult but it actually makes me feel a bit better.
 
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