Husband wants me to look good

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MariaTT

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I’m tall and not overweight but pudgy around the middle. My husband is (feels like) always on my case to look the best version of myself. I believe this stems from his own self esteem issues. I know men are visual but really, should I be making an extra effort to look good for him because he needs a good looking family to feel better about himself?
I have a healthy dose of self esteem so his nagging isn’t affecting my self image- just our relationship.
We had a virtual meeting today with a whole load of people and I may not have looked my best. Hubby was livid about it saying I don’t respect him enough to keep his request (to be better turned out) in mind.
I’m livid about him being livid about something so trivial. Are his feelings justified?
I would like to hear from men who love their wife even though she may not look her best.
 
Perhaps you are wrong to assume that this comes from his self-esteem issues. Both my wife and I love each other and don’t require each other to always look impeccable but if we attended a public event and either of us were not well turned out we’d be a bit embarrassed. It seems he’s not actually asking you to change your body or diet or exercise more but simply to make an effort to look good in public? I mean is that such a bad request? Are you sure it’s just not a case of different levels of importance being put on this. My wife puts a lot of importance on certain tasks being done each day about the house. If I lived alone, I probably wouldn’t bother as they wouldn’t be high on my list of priorities, but I do them because I know it makes her happy.
 
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Maybe. I’m just suggesting that if this is such a simple request why not facilitate it. If it’s the case that changing from jeans and a t-shirt into something slightly more formal would make him feel better then what’s the issue?
 
Thank you for taking the time to respond. To clarify, I don’t dress like a slob. But my husband puts a great deal of store on appearances. While I agree that image does matter in the way people perceive you, I tend to not let it weigh on me. I think my husband has been a lot more exposed to such thinking and so it weighs on him more. I do credit him for improving my dress sense though.
I can understand him being irritated about me not looking my best after he’s told me that it’s important to him; he would see it as if I didn’t make an effort. But to be livid about it is inexcusable to me. He’s a passionate person and I can even excuse his anger if he were to apologize. But the kicker is, I know he thinks his anger is justified. This is not an isolated incident. Which one of us should get used to the taste of humble pie?
 
MariaTT said:
Are his feelings justified?
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I’d say we need a few more details before commenting.

What exactly did he say/do while he was ‘livid’?

What exactly was he asking of you that you didn’t do? (Wear makeup, dress differently, etc.) Can you be specific?
 
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“Livid” is pretty extreme. I could see being annoyed if you looked like a slob at an important function or something, but expecting you to get dressed up just to hang around the house strikes me as silly.

We obviously have an obligation to try to look nice for our spouses, but our spouse has an obligation to have reasonable expectations. Is it reasonable for a husband to expect his wife to not totally let herself go and balloon up in weight? Sure. Is it reasonable that he expects her to have the same body at 50 as she did at 22? No.

I’d also ask, is he reciprocating? Like, if he’s demanding you look like a bikini model, I hope he’s got the body of a chippendales dancer.
 
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He yelled. When I said in some exasperation that I didn’t want to discuss it with him, he threw a F bomb. We are now not talking to each other.
I didn’t comb my (very short) hair. And I didn’t sit in appropriate light so I probably looked tired on the video.
Except for this, his expectations are not unreasonable and he is very loving.
 
MariaTT said:
He yelled. When I said in some exasperation that I didn’t want to discuss it with him, he threw a F bomb. We are now not talking to each other.
I didn’t comb my (very short) hair. And I didn’t sit in appropriate light so I probably looked tired on the video.
Except for this, his expectations are not unreasonable and he is very loving.
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That’s an overreaction. And the silent treatment isn’t a healthy way to handle conflict.
 
Is this normal on his part for this topic? If it is not, then maybe he was nervous for some reason?
 
MariaTT said:
We had a virtual meeting today with a whole load of people and I may not have looked my best. Hubby was livid about it saying I don’t respect him enough to keep his request (to be better turned out) in mind.
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“Livid” definitely seems like an overreaction. Was the meeting about something that could have made him nervous?
 
MariaTT said:
I know men are visual
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That has actually been shown to be a myth:

MariaTT said:
Hubby was livid about it saying I don’t respect him enough to keep his request (to be better turned out) in mind.
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Sounds completely unreasonable to me.
MariaTT said:
I think my husband has been a lot more exposed to such thinking and so it weighs on him more.
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Just wondering: is he in the military/a veteran?
 
He sounds a little controlling and superficial.

Just an observation.
 
MariaTT said:
He yelled. When I said in some exasperation that I didn’t want to discuss it with him, he threw a F bomb. We are now not talking to each other.
I didn’t comb my (very short) hair. And I didn’t sit in appropriate light so I probably looked tired on the video.
Except for this, his expectations are not unreasonable and he is very loving.
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Yeah that’s not exactly reasonable behaviour. I wonder what is at the core of this behaviour though? Would he be open to discussing this with you and trying to see why is feels inclined to act in this extreme manner.
 
@LeonardoArruda, while I have no doubt your intentions are good, you mentioned in another thread that you’re a 17 year old high school student. You should probably refrain from giving marital advice.
 
I think i understand your post. My mom is very self-righteous and prone to anger. Like going off the handle yelling and screaming and shit. So i mean i’m not married never dated but i can only imagine how hard it is to deal with someone like that.

He’s violating the second greatest commandment to love others as yourself. I think he needs to pray and work on himself. You shouldn’t be pressured into working on yourself unless you yourself genuinely want to be it for yourself or for God.

I say ‘for God’ because i believe we’re supposed to be good stewards of our bodies and take care of them cause God gave them to us while we’re here to do His will.

I don’t mean to offend you or anything of course! I’m just making my point clear so i don’t get misunderstood. I hope i wasn’t offensive or out of line…?
 
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Really, you need to stop giving advice about things you know nothing about. Don’t repeat things from “professionals” if you have no way of knowing whether it is true or not. In your latest posts, you are wrong about people in their 60s, and wrong about makeup and how things can get “weird.”
 
Psalm30 said:
Are you for real? Not cool, buddy, not cool. You’ve just insulted everyone over the age of 60. Might want to think things through a bit more before posting.
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Oh come on. Give the kid a break. He’s not exactly expressing himself very well but all he means is that looks fade with age. Sure 60 is not “very old” but it’s certainly approaching old age.
 
It would be interesting to hear what you say when you are 60. There are lots of people that always look good no matter what age they are. They look well at any age. Some people never have that look even at 30 years old. Yes, everyone changes in looks as they age but his comments and yours are a bit insulting. So they are “approaching old age.” You say it like they are unimportant or somehow their looks count for less.

Besides that, “the kid” is on a forum of adults, and needs to be able to converse in a manner that is not insulting or giving out misinformation. No one needs to give that a break.
 
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