Husband Wants More Intimacy, But Doesn't Want to Make an Effort for It

[pensmama87]

My husband and I have had a pretty rocky start to our marriage. We are doing pretty well now, but our intimate life is going through a challenging phase right now and I’d like some insight.

My husband claims to want sex more often than we currently do, but he wants me to initiate it all of the time. I have a much lower drive than he does at the moment (my cycles haven’t returned postpartum) so it often just doesn’t occur to me to ask. I’ve suggested a schedule, like a regular date after the kids are in bed, but my husband thinks that is weird (and then seems remarkably unconcerned that the kids go to bed on time).

When he does suggest it, it tends to be a complete surprise to me and come off as rather crude, which is a turn off. I’d like that to change so I could feel more into it, but I do go along with it. I try really, really hard to not refuse him on the rare occasions he asks. But he has a tendency to ask at really bad times: right before the kids normally wake up or when we have to go somewhere, or when I’m feeling really, really sick (and we’ve had to stop so I could go throw up - talk about a mood killer). I try to let him down gently, but I think these refusals have led to the current system where he thinks I need to add this to all of the other scheduling things I have to do. It’s making me resentful.

I think I might just put us on a schedule anyway, just one that I keep in my head. Even though my interest level isn’t as high as he claims his is I would like more intimacy. The start of football season is always really, really rough for me because I feel replaced.

He has a really fragile ego, so anything besides lavish praise is interpreted as a put-down (see other threads I’ve started for more information on that). So I’m trying to figure out what to do to improve things in this area.

 

[Xantippe]

My husband and I have had a pretty rocky start to our marriage. We are doing pretty well now, but our intimate life is going through a challenging phase right now and I’d like some insight.

My husband claims to want sex more often than we currently do, but he wants me to initiate it all of the time. I have a much lower drive than he does at the moment (my cycles haven’t returned postpartum) so it often just doesn’t occur to me to ask. I’ve suggested a schedule, like a regular date after the kids are in bed, but my husband thinks that is weird (and then seems remarkably unconcerned that the kids go to bed on time).

When he does suggest it, it tends to be a complete surprise to me and come off as rather crude, which is a turn off. I’d like that to change so I could feel more into it, but I do go along with it. I try really, really hard to not refuse him on the rare occasions he asks. But he has a tendency to ask at really bad times: right before the kids normally wake up or when we have to go somewhere, or when I’m feeling really, really sick (and we’ve had to stop so I could go throw up - talk about a mood killer). I try to let him down gently, but I think these refusals have led to the current system where he thinks I need to add this to all of the other scheduling things I have to do. It’s making me resentful.

I think I might just put us on a schedule anyway, just one that I keep in my head. Even though my interest level isn’t as high as he claims his is I would like more intimacy. The start of football season is always really, really rough for me because I feel replaced.

He has a really fragile ego, so anything besides lavish praise is interpreted as a put-down (see other threads I’ve started for more information on that). So I’m trying to figure out what to do to improve things in this area.

1. Is he happy with you getting pregnant right now? Because given your youngest’s age, I would expect a rapid pregnancy to be the natural result of increasing your frequency at this point. Ask him about this. Remind him that NFP during breastfeeding (and especially toward the end) is like flying without instruments.
2. Tell him 90% of what you’ve told us (maybe minus the last paragraph).
3. Your ideas about scheduling are very good. You can tell him, “If I am the one initiating, this is the schedule I like (30 minutes after kids go to bed, 30 minutes before our usual bedtime, etc.).” Also, are there times during the morning that would work for you? You might make a deal with him–we can have sex in the morning if you handle the morning diapers while I hit the shower. (Assuming the kids are stirring at that point.)
4. Maybe ask him what frequency he envisions? It might be that if he chooses the frequency, you can schedule it for him.
5. If you like the idea, you can do stuff like making a rule that there has to be 20 minutes of foreplay before the main event, or at least do that some of the time. (Adjust according to need.)
6. Talk to him about the challenges of football season and ask for solutions.

Some of this may sound a little “selfish,” but I suspect that your husband needs to work harder on the idea of reciprocity and fairness, so I think doing some of this stuff would be very good for your husband.

If he balks at the idea of the schedule, you can point out that he can ask when he wants, but you are going to ask based on your schedule, which is when you want to ask. That’s fair.

There’s also a good chance that he’ll find your “bossiness” sexy, especially if you precede and accompany your requests with appropriate physical contact.

Good luck!

 

[mommamaree]

I think your idea to initiate on your own mental schedule is excellent. He doesn’t even need to be aware that you are keeping track. I do this myself. I internally assess the number of days and the tenor of our communication and make mention of it to guage his level of tiredness. It is more likely to work out happily if I am the more tired one, than if he is, for obvious reasons.
We had an arrangement that we followed for a while, to retrain ourselves after conversion, that was based upon writings of saints concerning marital relations. If I was intending to verbally ask about it, I would do so at a time well before bedtime. If I was more amorous myself and was requesting, rather than offering, all my cues would be nonverbal. If he was requesting, he always had to ask in words, as an invitation, not a demand. Otherwise, I would conclude that cuddling was his only intention that evening. It eliminated miscues and missed signals. And we also followed what St. Pope John Paul said, as well as many other saints, that it is a husband’s duty to seek the satisfaction of his wife, especially since he is the one responsible for awakening desire in her, and it is the loving thing to do.
With that strategy, we have, by the grace of God, been able to overcome so much of the faulty conditioning of the world. It is laughable how many people question the ability of celibate men to give good counsel on marital relations. Because seeking out Aquinas and St. JPII and St. Alphonsus Liguori et al has been wonderful! I encourage you to read their writings, too. I read so much and shared it all with my husband and he saw the beauty of it, too. God bless!

 

[chefmomster2]

Just an idea that works for us: In order to avoid “crude” requests (and to let you know when he would like to be intimate) use a silent request. My husband and I have a vase with a silk flower in our bedroom. If either of us wants sex, we leave it on the pillow of the other. If we are agreeable, we move it to their pillow. If not, we return it to the vase. This may seem a bit stilted, but it really helps. If my hubby leaves it in the morning, I can anticipate it during the day. As you know, we ladies need a bit of time to warm up to the idea sometimes.

Also, it is a good idea for you to initiate. He obviously doesn’t understand the issues you face.

 

[mountee]

Someone posted a thread a year ago with a recommendation for this book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I bought it for my Kindle and I would highly recommend that you do the same, it opened my eyes to a lot of things and I have re-read it again. I would urge every married person to read it and I think you would find it useful in your current situation.

 

[bubba1358]

I wonder if your husband has a verbal “love language,” and you don’t, and that’s where some of this is coming from. Have you heard of love languages before? forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=79174

My wife and I are different, and a lot of our advances can go unnoticed by the other because we are, literally, speaking different languages. It may not be the answer, but it can’t hurt looking in to.

 

[bubba1358]

Someone posted a thread a year ago with a recommendation for this book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I bought it for my Kindle and I would highly recommend that you do the same, it opened my eyes to a lot of things and I have re-read it again. I would urge every married person to read it and I think you would find it useful in your current situation.

+1

 

[pensmama87]

I am familiar with the concept of love languages, although I still need to read Chapman’s book. It’s strange to me because everything I’ve read and all the signals from my husband indicate that his love language is physical touch. I am still not certain on mine, though. Sometimes I feel like I would appreciate anything. He doesn’t think he should “have to show me,” I should “just know.”

It’s a frustrating thing to work with.

 

[pensmama87]

Just an idea that works for us: In order to avoid “crude” requests (and to let you know when he would like to be intimate) use a silent request. My husband and I have a vase with a silk flower in our bedroom. If either of us wants sex, we leave it on the pillow of the other. If we are agreeable, we move it to their pillow. If not, we return it to the vase. This may seem a bit stilted, but it really helps. If my hubby leaves it in the morning, I can anticipate it during the day. As you know, we ladies need a bit of time to warm up to the idea sometimes.

Also, it is a good idea for you to initiate. He obviously doesn’t understand the issues you face.

This is a good idea. I will have to come up with something he’s willing to do and remember.

Sometimes we will actually plan ahead, but then it doesn’t happen anyway, because at the appointed time neither one of us is willing to make the first move. Obviously I have to get over that if I want it to happen. It seems silly that we’ve been married four years and still playing this kind of ridiculous game with each other.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

1. Is he happy with you getting pregnant right now? Because given your youngest’s age, I would expect a rapid pregnancy to be the natural result of increasing your frequency at this point. Ask him about this. Remind him that NFP during breastfeeding (and especially toward the end) is like flying without instruments.
2. Tell him 90% of what you’ve told us (maybe minus the last paragraph).
3. Your ideas about scheduling are very good. You can tell him, “If I am the one initiating, this is the schedule I like (30 minutes after kids go to bed, 30 minutes before our usual bedtime, etc.).” Also, are there times during the morning that would work for you? You might make a deal with him–we can have sex in the morning if you handle the morning diapers while I hit the shower. (Assuming the kids are stirring at that point.)
4. Maybe ask him what frequency he envisions? It might be that if he chooses the frequency, you can schedule it for him.
5. If you like the idea, you can do stuff like making a rule that there has to be 20 minutes of foreplay before the main event, or at least do that some of the time. (Adjust according to need.)
6. Talk to him about the challenges of football season and ask for solutions.

Some of this may sound a little “selfish,” but I suspect that your husband needs to work harder on the idea of reciprocity and fairness, so I think doing some of this stuff would be very good for your husband.

If he balks at the idea of the schedule, you can point out that he can ask when he wants, but you are going to ask based on your schedule, which is when you want to ask. That’s fair.

There’s also a good chance that he’ll find your “bossiness” sexy, especially if you precede and accompany your requests with appropriate physical contact.

Good luck!

Excellent advice!

 

[pensmama87]

1. Is he happy with you getting pregnant right now? Because given your youngest’s age, I would expect a rapid pregnancy to be the natural result of increasing your frequency at this point. Ask him about this. Remind him that NFP during breastfeeding (and especially toward the end) is like flying without instruments.

Yeah, this is right around the time after #1 when we got pregnant with #2. I did have some fairly obvious signals that time around that my fertility was coming back, that aren’t here now, but I do know this is a dicey time. As far as I know, both of us would be thrilled with another baby, but the timing isn’t ideal (is it ever?).

Maybe I will ask him if that’s part of his reluctance.

1. Your ideas about scheduling are very good. You can tell him, “If I am the one initiating, this is the schedule I like (30 minutes after kids go to bed, 30 minutes before our usual bedtime, etc.).” Also, are there times during the morning that would work for you? You might make a deal with him–we can have sex in the morning if you handle the morning diapers while I hit the shower. (Assuming the kids are stirring at that point.)

Morning is not good. Both of our kids are very, very early risers and my husband has to be dragged out of bed even on work days. I would actually be happy with morning, but our situation just doesn’t make that work at the moment.

1. Maybe ask him what frequency he envisions? It might be that if he chooses the frequency, you can schedule it for him.

I can definitely try that. I have no idea what he means by “more.” I know what I consider ideal, which is more than now, but I don’t know if that matches up with him at all.

1. If you like the idea, you can do stuff like making a rule that there has to be 20 minutes of foreplay before the main event, or at least do that some of the time. (Adjust according to need.)

This would be a performance critique.

1. Talk to him about the challenges of football season and ask for solutions.

Some of this may sound a little “selfish,” but I suspect that your husband needs to work harder on the idea of reciprocity and fairness, so I think doing some of this stuff would be very good for your husband.

If he balks at the idea of the schedule, you can point out that he can ask when he wants, but you are going to ask based on your schedule, which is when you want to ask. That’s fair.

There’s also a good chance that he’ll find your “bossiness” sexy, especially if you precede and accompany your requests with appropriate physical contact.

Good luck!

Thanks! This has given me some to think about.

 

[Xantippe]

Yeah, this is right around the time after #1 when we got pregnant with #2. I did have some fairly obvious signals that time around that my fertility was coming back, that aren’t here now, but I do know this is a dicey time. As far as I know, both of us would be thrilled with another baby, but the timing isn’t ideal (is it ever?).
Maybe I will ask him if that’s part of his reluctance.

**Very good idea. That would be a very reasonable explanation–he may not want to take on the responsibility of being responsible for your next pregnancy.

When we were at that point with our most recent baby (now almost 2), we wound up taking a 5 month break until cycles were back and well-established. Not ideal, but better for our peace of mind. **

I can definitely try that. I have no idea what he means by “more.” I know what I consider ideal, which is more than now, but I don’t know if that matches up with him at all.

Go ahead and ask what his ideal schedule looks like.

This would be a performance critique.

**Nah–I presented it a little bluntly, but the 20 minute thing can be more of a challenge or a game. Set a 20 minute timer, then see if he can get you to bail on the hors d’oeuvres and move on to the entree and perhaps dessert. (Pardon the culinary euphemisms.) **

Thanks! This has given me some to think about.

Good luck! Don’t be afraid to ask for stuff!