You are right in that family is a ministry.
The idea that family is the primary obligation, especially while there are young children, is also correct. After all, these men made vows, to their wives and to the Church, to commit themselves to the vocation of marriage. They cannot violate those vows in order to fulfull another vocation to the diaconate. They must be able to do both well, or they are violating both. And since the vow to the marriage comes first, the marriage and resulting children must come before any other vocation can be pursued. And children need involved, caring fathers. Look at our society…much of what we see is the price of absentee fathers, whether they were never in the picture at all, or they left, or they are technically there but not paying attention. Catholic families should be strong examples of just the opposite. I know in our household, it just don’t work without Daddy. He is SO important. I don’t neglect discipline, but it sure helps to have that guy with the booming baritone behind me when a child gets defiant. His character is much the defining character of the family itself. He can also be the peacemaker and soother when the tension between Mom and kids gets to be too much. Plus, I need caretaking too, and he does that for me. And then there is just the fun and love element. Daddy does fun so much differently from Mom. While Mom is saying, “Be careful!” Dad is encouraging climbing and tumbling and tossing the baby in the air. The boys have a strong, masculine role model who is completely invested in them becoming good men, and the girls have their first “best beau” whose eyes sparkle at their very existence, teach them how it feels to be valued by a man, and who will protect them against anything. This absolutely cannot be discounted and must not be lessened by anything, including service to the Church.
Service to family is indeed service to the Church, because of course, where does the Church get its new members? But it is different from institutional service to the Church establishment itself. I have struggled a lot with this balance myself, thinking I should be doing more for my parish at the same time I realize just how unavailable I am with so many young children. So, I have taken low-responsibility ministry positions, lectoring and helping with the coffee and donuts on Sundays. Those only require service once or twice a month. I am doing my part without shortchanging anyone. The parish gets another volunteer, and my family does not lose me in any way.
When all my children are old enough for me to be out of the house and have commitments that might take hours upon hours out of my week, then I will serve more. But for now, family comes first. And I think deacon candidates have to be the same way. I know how hard it is to think you have a calling but have to wait for it. I would love to become a midwife, but that has to wait because I made commitments to all these children of mine. I must be there for them first, then I can fit in the other stuff. It is absolutely painful at times when I think how far I could have gotten into that path if I had just started. But I know I can’t do it right now without shortchanging them. So while I understand the frustration and even pain involved for these men who really do feel that tug, they must sacrifice it to the good of their families for now. When their children are older, they will be more able to commit themselves as fully to a new vocation as they should…
Prayers as you move forward in this process together!