Husband wants to stop using NFP

[AnneBOK]

If you only have 7 months left to get your degree and you got pregnant now (assuming you get pregnant right away, which is a big assumption), then you’d have about 2-3 months after you were done before the baby came (unless my math is off! lol). What’s the problem?

God bless,
Jennifer

The problem COULD be morning sickness I had it for well over half my pregnancy and there is no way at all you could even get me out of bed - away from my bucket - let alone get me to go to school…) Some do not suffer like this, but it is something to consider. I would try to continue with FNP - but only until I was doen with my schooling…)

Anne

 

[Jennifer_J]

The problem COULD be morning sickness I had it for well over half my pregnancy and there is no way at all you could even get me out of bed - away from my bucket - let alone get me to go to school…) Some do not suffer like this, but it is something to consider. I would try to continue with FNP - but only until I was doen with my schooling…)

Anne

I also suffer from moderate to severe (never hospitalized, but with the last baby, only gained 9 lbs) morning sickness and for the first 3 pregnancies got up and went to work each morning, puking and all (I’m able to be a SAHM now). It’s tough but it’s one of the first sacrifices you make as a parent. I’m not saying the OP needs to do this, only that many women manage to work and be pregnant, through morning sickness and other pregnancy discomforts. I don’t think that most women get so sick they are unable to work, after all when you have more than one child and have another, you have to take care of them (albiet it may be from the couch and bathroom ).

Jennifer

 

[Black_Jaque]

I think you need to get him some pregnancy books and read aloud the symptoms. Or maybe you could tape a watermelon to his abdomen all day and night. Or, you could make him stay up for three days straight so he could get an idea of the fatigue.

O brother! Or maybe he should have married a woman willing to make a sacrifice.

 

[TarAshly]

I think when the time is right the time is right and you need to just hang on for the ride. DH and I have recently decided to start trying. I still have one semester of school left, but the funny thing is in the majority of my classes I am the only married woman whos not currently pregnant or without children. Its tough but not impossible. besides think of the joys a child will bring you! I say go for it. Just my opinion though.

 

[Wendy-Kay]

I am not trying to be judgmental. Just want more info. Is this the only reason you are trying to avoid conception? My husband and I put off marriage until we were ready to embrace all the commands of marriage, namely, to have and rear children and to lead each other to Heaven. Being a wife is a vocation!

My opinion, and it is just that, is if this is your only reason, it does seem a bit unreasonable. Our spouses, our commitments to them and God are to come first. God would not allow you to undergo anything you could not, and what is more, He would not allow anything to happen to you that could not make you holier. My advice would be to surrender to your husband and Christ. Keep a good, holy spiritual director that makes sure you are being prudent as well.
You* will be *tired! Babies are lots of work, but you will be a different person. Being dog-tired has never prevented me from changing a diaper or filling a sippy cup. You get this neat endurance and all this other cool stuff that will enable you to do go on.

 

[YinYangMom]

Everyone else has already given you good advice about discussing things with your hubby and your own thinking about the timing of children…

I just wanted to offer a suggestion wiht regard to your husband’s siblings being pregnant now…

I’m unclear if it’s the brother’s wife which is pregnant or if it’s the brother’s wife and your husband’s sister who are pregnant at the same time (are two couples expecting or just one)?

In any case, that alone, would seem reason enough to get your husband to be patient a little while longer. I know it was for my husband and me…

My sister became pregnant at a time when hubby and I had planned not to start our family until he finished his doctorate several years later. I really felt the pang to have our children close in age to hers so we discussed upping the timetable (working out the details of what that would mean for both of us) and decided to not do anything until after my sister had her child and our families could celebrate that moment, that new life - and also rally around her as she entered this new realm of married life. Besides, I wanted to be around to help my sister out with the new baby!

That helped a lot. With those considerations for my sister in mind we ended up having our first 2 years into our marriage instead of the originally planned 5. My sister had 2 more children, my brother had 2, another brother had 1 and we had 2 so that all eight cousins are within 2 years of each other. They are still close as friends now that they’re in their adult and teen years and after having been separated due to family moves and such over the years.

I guess for us, we didn’t want to take the wind from my sister’s sails at the time and put any pressure on extended family to throw two showers or try to be at two hospitals or babysit for one of us but not the other - when doing so would be the result of our changing our original plans. We still changed them but we made sure to leave room in there for my sister and her child.

Perhaps you can try that approach with your husband??? It shows him you’re open to discussing making changes but also encourages him to see things from his brother’s wife’s point of view… I don’t think he’d want to take away any of the joy and attention from his brother at this time. He probably hasn’t even thought about that part of the picture.

 

[TarAshly]

Everyone else has already given you good advice about discussing things with your hubby and your own thinking about the timing of children…

I just wanted to offer a suggestion wiht regard to your husband’s siblings being pregnant now…

I’m unclear if it’s the brother’s wife which is pregnant or if it’s the brother’s wife and your husband’s sister who are pregnant at the same time (are two couples expecting or just one)?

In any case, that alone, would seem reason enough to get your husband to be patient a little while longer. I know it was for my husband and me…

My sister became pregnant at a time when hubby and I had planned not to start our family until he finished his doctorate several years later. I really felt the pang to have our children close in age to hers so we discussed upping the timetable (working out the details of what that would mean for both of us) and decided to not do anything until after my sister had her child and our families could celebrate that moment, that new life - and also rally around her as she entered this new realm of married life. Besides, I wanted to be around to help my sister out with the new baby!

That helped a lot. With those considerations for my sister in mind we ended up having our first 2 years into our marriage instead of the originally planned 5. My sister had 2 more children, my brother had 2, another brother had 1 and we had 2 so that all eight cousins are within 2 years of each other. They are still close as friends now that they’re in their adult and teen years and after having been separated due to family moves and such over the years.

I guess for us, we didn’t want to take the wind from my sister’s sails at the time and put any pressure on extended family to throw two showers or try to be at two hospitals or babysit for one of us but not the other - when doing so would be the result of our changing our original plans. We still changed them but we made sure to leave room in there for my sister and her child.

Perhaps you can try that approach with your husband??? It shows him you’re open to discussing making changes but also encourages him to see things from his brother’s wife’s point of view… I don’t think he’d want to take away any of the joy and attention from his brother at this time. He probably hasn’t even thought about that part of the picture.

Thats great advice YYM, my hubby and I decided to start trying as soon as our nephew (his brothers son) was born (which will be tomorrow say a prayer!) but my sister found out hubby and are trying and now SHE is trying! definately hurt my feelings for sure! especially since this will be my first pregnancy and her second and I dont mean shes trying to come shortly after, shes literally racing me to conception! its annoying to say the least! approach your hubby with that OP, good luck!

 

[YinYangMom]

Thats great advice YYM, my hubby and I decided to start trying as soon as our nephew (his brothers son) was born (which will be tomorrow say a prayer!) but my sister found out hubby and are trying and now SHE is trying! definately hurt my feelings for sure! especially since this will be my first pregnancy and her second and I dont mean shes trying to come shortly after, shes literally racing me to conception! its annoying to say the least! approach your hubby with that OP, good luck!

I know it’s slightly annoying and I remember chiding myself over hurt feelings when my brother’s wife managed to be right behind me in both pregnancies - my first was born in August, hers in October…my second in April, hers in July… What helped was that neither of us lived close to home at the time so we had our kids in our own necks of the woods not having to compete for extended family attention - besides, her mother lives blocks from her so those kids know that side of the family much better than our side.

It all works out well in the end. Enjoy your time - whenever you’re blessed with it!

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Perhaps you can try that approach with your husband??? It shows him you’re open to discussing making changes but also encourages him to see things from his brother’s wife’s point of view… I don’t think he’d want to take away any of the joy and attention from his brother at this time. He probably hasn’t even thought about that part of the picture.

Gee, maybe I misunderstood but I really don’t think not wanting to steal a brother’s thunder is a reason to postpone pregnancy… BTW, how can having a child take away from anyones true joy?

 

[LittleRose]

Gee, maybe I misunderstood but I really don’t think not wanting to steal a brother’s thunder is a reason to postpone pregnancy… BTW, how can having a child take away from anyones true joy?

Very true. Chances are the extended family will be happy for you whether you have your babies close together or not. Either way, though, the reaction of extended family is not as important as whether this is right for your immediate family (i.e. you, husband, and any kids you already have). You know your own situation best as far as health, income, and whatever other factors are important here.

 

[YinYangMom]

Gee, maybe I misunderstood but I really don’t think not wanting to steal a brother’s thunder is a reason to postpone pregnancy…

The couple already prayfully reflected upon their family planning schedule and came to a conclusion.

What has changed is the enthusiasm of the husband toward his brother’s (and/or sister’s) news about their pregnancy. Now that children are a tangible reality for the husband (albeit through his siblings), naturally, he’s excited about the prospect of starting his own family.

This is all good and fine, and could very well be the Lord moving him toward that, but taking the entire matter into consideration the following facts remain:

• the husband finished his education thus his receptivity to changes at this moment is greater than the wife’s
• the wife has 7 months to finish her degree and it appears the couple had decided to consider children after both degrees were secured.

Any changes to the timing of the children must be mutually decided upon, based on both parties reflecting upon God’s will for them. The husband feels moved to act now. The wife is not receiving that same message. So a compromise needs to be met.

My suggestion to consider the anticipated joy of the other couple(s) would serve as one of possibly many options toward compromise. It is a giving act to set aside one’s own desires for the good of another. If this new child is a ‘first’ there is a lot of enthusiasm waiting to be poured out toward that family. Since the couple wasn’t planning on having a child now anyway, and is still not inclined to do so, it costs no one to wait a few more months.

The benefits to this couple deferring to the already expecting couple are:

1. Compromise is reached for this couple
2. The family support this couple may need down the line when their child arrives will be there for them because by that time the other couple will have weaned off of the same source, thus providing the opening for the grandparents to shift attention from the first child to this couples’ child (and the couples’ needs).
3. It allows for comfortable spacing between cousins (as in my situation) so that as the extended families plan to grow together the compatibility factor comes into play. Consider cousins as a larger core sibling component - the elders help the youngers transition from one phase of child development to the other, being able to play together at the same level, etc.
4. Spacing of the cousins when raised as a larger family really saves a lot of money when it comes to hand-me-downs and such. My sister got the ball rolling with the cousins coming into existence and honestly, for all 8 of them, there were about 3 real major clothing/furniture investments made…the rest benefited from passing down the changing tables, cribs, swings, high chairs, clothes and such.

I’m not advocating not upping the timetable at all, I’m offering legitimate reasons for sticking to the original plan. If the Lord really is moving the couple to change that plan then He will work through the husband and others to persuade the OP to change her position. Perhaps the Lord is working through some of us to help the OP sway the husband to stay on course…

Only the couple and the Lord will know in the end, what they should do.

BTW, how can having a child take away from anyones true joy

Of course it doesn’t take away from their ‘true’ joy, but being human, we all have our different quirks, and trust me, for some personality types - not being the center of attention can cause huge rifts among family members. Not knowing how these people are, I’m just putting the other couples’ feelings out there as something to consider. Certainly you must know how complicated family dynamics can be.

 

[YinYangMom]

Very true. Chances are the extended family will be happy for you whether you have your babies close together or not. Either way, though, the reaction of extended family is not as important as whether this is right for your immediate family (i.e. you, husband, and any kids you already have). You know your own situation best as far as health, income, and whatever other factors are important here.

Agreed. I’m not suggesting their decision be based solely on that. I’m just noting it as one of the many things to consider as they sit down to discuss what the Lord is asking of them.

 

[MCGar]

I’m sorry I didn’t read all the responces. As to the question of the timing being right, I can tell you very authortatively: I don’t know! Honestly, you two know the best of anyone on this board. We can all share our experiances and suggestions but in the end (as you probably know ), what God is telling both of you dictates the situation. My suggestion is to pray pray pray together.
The only red flag I see in your original post is the part where you two had a respectful agreement to wait, but when your brother-in-law and his wife concieved, then the agreement sort of went out the window. The fact that the brother is younger seems to be putting extra ‘pressure’ and maybe a little jealousy to your DH.

This should NOT be any factor in his or your decision. The age and timing of his sibling’s family planning does not need to put pressure on you as a married couple to keep up or not lag behind.

On that specific issue if I were in your position I would very clearly make it known that the Family Planning you share in your marriage belongs to you two alone with God. It is not fair or respectful to use any other family or marriage as a measuring stick in this regard.

Ok, sorry for the long post, but I was a bit suprised that out of the few posts I read no one seemed to have addressed this issue. There was some really good advise given but this aspect needed to be pointed out.

I encourage whichever choice you come to that is done in prayer to God and following the teachings of His Church.

 

[gmarie21]

Agreed. I’m not suggesting their decision be based solely on that. I’m just noting it as one of the many things to consider as they sit down to discuss what the Lord is asking of them.

Doesn’t the Lord ask that they be OPEN to life at ALL times? To discuss what the Lord is asking of them seems absurd. Based on their vows, they KNOW what the Lord asks of them. The thing that they SHOULD discuss is whether or not they’ll continue to IGNORE what the Lord asks of them.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

The couple already prayfully reflected upon their family planning schedule and came to a conclusion.

The OP mentioned <DH now feels that my reasons for waiting aren’t “serious matters”>
It seems like their conclusion is no longer something they agree on. Also, just something I noticed which could be irrelevant, but Josefa, when you speak of the reasons to avoid you refer to them as “my reasons” and that he was respecting “my decision”. It may just be the way it came out but I think the best advice on here is to discuss this with your husband and prayerfully discern. NFP it is not the decision of one, but of both. The couple must pray to be on the same page as each other and God.

What has changed is the enthusiasm of the husband toward his brother’s (and/or sister’s) news about their pregnancy. Now that children are a tangible reality for the husband (albeit through his siblings), naturally, he’s excited about the prospect of starting his own family.

This is all good and fine, and could very well be the Lord moving him toward that…

Agreed!

The benefits to this couple deferring to the already expecting couple are:
…

The point I am trying to get to is, one can go on and on with a list of pros and cons of avoiding children at the moment (ie not stealing brothers thunder, have time to read more, etc), but the only relevant issue is whether or not the **actual reason **one is avoiding is serious enough.

Hmm… lol, I don’t know if what I just typed is clear…

 

[YinYangMom]

Doesn’t the Lord ask that they be OPEN to life at ALL times? To discuss what the Lord is asking of them seems absurd. Based on their vows, they KNOW what the Lord asks of them. The thing that they SHOULD discuss is whether or not they’ll continue to IGNORE what the Lord asks of them.

Perhaps you do not understand the teaching of natural family ‘planning’ - that it stems from the requirement for all couples to be responsible in their response to Christ as co-creators of life.

We, as Catholics, are not obliged to have as many children as our physical bodies can produce, contrary to what many believe is Church teaching.

We, as Catholics, are to prayerfully seek God’s will every time we enter into the marital embrace that doing so at that time would be in accordance for His will for us.

The couple and God alone know whether or not they are capable of responsibly caring for a new life at any given time in their marriage. With each additional child we are called to consider the effects of that additional child on our ability to adequately care for and respond to the child already existing. As we pray about it, God answers, and we conceive or we do not, according to His will.

That is responsibly remaining OPEN to life at all times they engage in marital sex. We do not have to engage in sexual relations everytime we feel the impulse to. We need to discern whether or not having relations at that moment is satisfying physical desires or a response to God’s call.

Before a couple unites in that fashion they must consider God’s will in the matter, knowing that the union can result in a new life for their family. IF the couple senses at the time a new life is not in order for them, **they refrain from getting together in that way that time **but express their love and renewed committment to God’s will (and not their own impulses) in other ways (unitive). If they both agree, at that time, that it seems to be His will moving them and not just their human impulses, then they follow through and await the outcome.

 

[YinYangMom]

The point I am trying to get to is, one can go on and on with a list of pros and cons of avoiding children at the moment (ie not stealing brothers thunder, have time to read more, etc), but the only relevant issue is whether or not the **actual reason **one is avoiding is serious enough.

Hmm… lol, I don’t know if what I just typed is clear…

Yes, that all makes sense. As does MCGar’s post…bottom line being the decision for this couple must be one they agree upon **with **Godas their director. They’ve got to get on the same page and go from there. One cannot change the previously reached agreement without prayer and discussion, and neither should pressure the other into siding with a particular position. The couple needs to talk. Whatever process they used before to reach the first conclusion should be activated again.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Doesn’t the Lord ask that they be OPEN to life at ALL times? To discuss what the Lord is asking of them seems absurd. Based on their vows, they KNOW what the Lord asks of them. The thing that they SHOULD discuss is whether or not they’ll continue to IGNORE what the Lord asks of them.

This might help: (from Catechism)
2367 Called to give life, spouses share in the creative power and fatherhood of God. 154 “Married couples should regard it as their proper mission to transmit human life and to educate their children; they should realize that they are thereby cooperating with the love of God the Creator and are, in a certain sense, its interpreters. They will fulfill this duty with a sense of human and Christian responsibility.” 155

2368 A particular aspect of this responsibility concerns the regulation of procreation. For just reasons, spouses may wish to space the births of their children. It is their duty to make certain that their desire is not motivated by selfishness but is in conformity with the generosity appropriate to responsible parenthood. Moreover, they should conform their behavior to the objective criteria of morality: …
…
2370 Periodic continence, that is, the methods of birth regulation based on self- observation and the use of infertile periods, is in conformity with the objective criteria of morality. 158 These methods respect the bodies of the spouses, encourage tenderness between them, and favor the education of an authentic freedom. In contrast, “every action which, whether in anticipation of the conjugal act, or in its accomplishment, or in the development of its natural consequences, proposes, whether as an end or as a means, to render procreation impossible” is intrinsically evil: 159