Husband/wife faith clash

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KimberlyAnn0218

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I have been reading other similar threads on this forum and I am hoping that you all will have some specific advice for me. My DH is a cradle Catholic and I a convert. Yes, I have been focusing on a deeper relationship with Christ for 2+ years. We decided after not practicing our faith for quite a while that we would go to church regularly. We even go most times when possible on vacation. He does not “believe” in the sacrament of confession, and last night he and our older 2 boys skipped Mass for the Super Bowl. Our middle school aged son keeps having basketball practice during RE on Weds night and initially I said that I would entertain being OK with that as long as we were attending Mass which is the most important thing.

So, I am thinking that I really need to back off him. BUT I don’t like him negatively influencing the boys. I think the boys ned to go to confession for missing mass deliberately. I plan on going because I did not insist they go. That’s on me, too for not being strong enough.

We recently had a priest change and before he left I asked him what to do about my DH and he just said to back off and be a model for him to follow and of course pray for him. Fine. I can work on that, but I want to know HOW to approach the questions I get from our teenage boys? Is it ok to pull rank and say that it’s their dad’s choice, but I am their mother and they have to mind me? I can see THAT chasing them from the church. I want to be a good mom and a good wife and I want to be able to follow mY path to God and not worry about stepping on my DH’s toes or embarrassing him.

Thoughts?
 
My personal experience is that I can only control my own actions.
My wife is baptist and she rarely goes to a baptist church or catholic mass which makes it difficult to motivate my children but when they see how happy my faith makes me they want to be apart of it. It’s not a perfect approach but it’s the best I can do.
 
You’re right…it could be very dangerous if they don’t see their father practicing (there’s even statistics prooving this).

And you have a right sense in that you can not really take their fathers place…only he can be a dad.

I agree that you have to role model as best you can for them all and show the change within you. And prayer…you will be suprised what can happen, and how God can work things to have them come back.

You didn’t talk further on your husband. You said both of you wanted to do better and you started going to church regularly. That’s good! You only mentioned that your husband does not believe in confession. Is that the major issue here ? If so, would you like some apologetic material to talk over with him about on this matter?

Also…lent is coming and lots of parishes are having retreats…usually having some AMAZING speakers that help light you on fire…look around for these! They usually try to coax people into the confessional to get ready for lent.

God bless, if you need some apologetic material…let us know!
 
I wouldn’t say the confession-less issue is the main issue, but rather it is demonstrative of where he is at. I have TRIED to get him to go to things. I made my Cursillo last spring and I have been really good about not pushing him. I don’t want to send him running for the hills. I am thinking about just talking with him and seeing if we can set up some boundaries and rules about the kids. He heard firsthand last night how his lack of going to MAss directly influenced our boys and it still didn’t move him to get off the couch and go.
 
Will he talk with you about why ? I understand not wanting to push too much…I’m a guy. But, you need to get at the heart of the issue slowly and gently so you can figure out what the problem is. Deffinatly take your time with this, modeling and praying for him is MOST important. When you don’t know what to do…you need to entrust things to God. When you both got married , you promised to live and love a certain way…you’re not only in covenant with your husband…but also with God! keep your end of the bargin and God will keep His!

I don’t know if it’s your custom…but I would find a eucharistic adoration chapel in your area. I’d go there and really speak to Jesus as a friend and tell Him what’s on your heart and how painful it is.
 
I REALLY appreciate a man’s perspective. As a busy mom/working woman I do not get to adoration often, but have been feeling the pull lately 🙂 Good advice 🙂
 
KimberlyAnn0218 said:
I have been reading other similar threads on this forum and I am hoping that you all will have some specific advice for me. My DH is a cradle Catholic and I a convert. Yes, I have been focusing on a deeper relationship with Christ for 2+ years. We decided after not practicing our faith for quite a while that we would go to church regularly. We even go most times when possible on vacation. He does not “believe” in the sacrament of confession, and last night he and our older 2 boys skipped Mass for the Super Bowl. Our middle school aged son keeps having basketball practice during RE on Weds night and initially I said that I would entertain being OK with that as long as we were attending Mass which is the most important thing.

So, I am thinking that I really need to back off him. BUT I don’t like him negatively influencing the boys. I think the boys ned to go to confession for missing mass deliberately. I plan on going because I did not insist they go. That’s on me, too for not being strong enough.

We recently had a priest change and before he left I asked him what to do about my DH and he just said to back off and be a model for him to follow and of course pray for him. Fine. I can work on that, but I want to know HOW to approach the questions I get from our teenage boys? Is it ok to pull rank and say that it’s their dad’s choice, but I am their mother and they have to mind me? I can see THAT chasing them from the church. I want to be a good mom and a good wife and I want to be able to follow mY path to God and not worry about stepping on my DH’s toes or embarrassing him.

Thoughts?
Click to expand...
Get the book " Be a Man" by Father Larry Richards for him!. Seriously it could change his whole outlook. It did for me. Read the info on it at:

ignatius.com/Products/BAM-P/be-a-man.aspx
 
@OP: have you heard of Scott & Kimberly Hahn? You may want to check out their story, as far as marital conflict over belief. Not the same exact situation as yours, to be sure, but maybe encouraging nonetheless.
 
You should talk to your husband. Ask him if he thinks if letting the boys skip mass for the Super Bowl is giving the right message to your boys and leave it at that. Let him think about it.
 
He missed Mass for the Super Bowl? Why does he think the Good Lord scheduled the kick-off for 6:35 ET? Ray Lewis didn’t miss out on his Sunday worship last week, be sure of that.

You’d not let your middle school son miss any other part of his education to participate in sports. Religious education is no exception. You might, however, be willing to reschedule. There is a reason, after all, that most parishes try to have several different Mass times available every weekend, if they have priests to cover different times. Work out with your son that he can “home school” his religious education with you, provided that he really does it, but that it not negotiable that he continue his religious education apace. Do your best to make it a “make a disciple” kind of academic discipline, though. You can teach him what the Church has to say about the sacraments while you’re doing that. As a recent RCIA graduate, you are probably well-acquainted with many of the questions he’ll have, too, and I bet you still have resources to find answers to the questions that are beyond you. You will also be very believable when you say, “I didn’t have this when I was your age, and I don’t want you to grow up without knowledge and appreciation I grew up without and wish now that I had when I was your age. To be taught these things is your right, just as much as being taught to read. I can’t fail you there any more than I could fail to see that you are taught to read, write, and do math.”
 
Polycarp1 said:
Get the book " Be a Man" by Father Larry Richards for him!. Seriously it could change his whole outlook. It did for me. Read the info on it at:

ignatius.com/Products/BAM-P/be-a-man.aspx
Click to expand...
I second this book. It was a life changing book for me, along with praying the rosary.

As for your sons, maybe this will help.

When people tell me to do something or show me how to do something, it just doesn’t stick. When people tell me WHY I should do something a certain way, then it all makes sense and I can easily remember it. Don’t just tell your boys they are going to go to church. Tell them why it is important to go. And best of all SHOW THEM why it is important.
 
choose_to_love said:
@OP: have you heard of Scott & Kimberly Hahn? You may want to check out their story, as far as marital conflict over belief. Not the same exact situation as yours, to be sure, but maybe encouraging nonetheless.
Click to expand...
Yes. I loved Rome sweet home 😉
 
Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I appreciate how no one was unfair about this. I really hadn’t realized how lopsided our faith had become. I wonder if perhaps he is even a little embarrassed at my public displays of faith. Granted wearing a cross necklace, having a cross in the home, in the car, etc does not mean you are a good Christian,
But those things remind me to think about God. To him perhaps it is embarrassing. I love God and I understand now what it means for God to be first-- not that I always SHOW God that, but I understand that putting God first makes me a better Mom and a better wife ultimately. I really do want to “live like that” and that will take work. I am sure I am on this path for a reason and I just have to trust. I will look into that book. Maybe he will read it for me because I ask him to. He is a great man, my DH no doubt about that. There is just something in the way.
 
KimberlyAnn0218 said:
Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I appreciate how no one was unfair about this. I really hadn’t realized how lopsided our faith had become. I wonder if perhaps he is even a little embarrassed at my public displays of faith. Granted wearing a cross necklace, having a cross in the home, in the car, etc does not mean you are a good Christian,
But those things remind me to think about God. To him perhaps it is embarrassing. I love God and I understand now what it means for God to be first-- not that I always SHOW God that, but I understand that putting God first makes me a better Mom and a better wife ultimately. I really do want to “live like that” and that will take work. I am sure I am on this path for a reason and I just have to trust. I will look into that book. Maybe he will read it for me because I ask him to. He is a great man, my DH no doubt about that. There is just something in the way.
Click to expand...
Talk to him about what you sense as embarrassment. He may have some experiences in his past with some Sister Bertha Better-Than-You that turned him off sacramentals, or his family may have a stricter-than-normal view of “when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men.” (Matt. 6:5) Some people, for instance, only wear their religious jewelry on the inside of their clothing, or prefer scapulars and items that are not seen. It’s worth asking about, and explaining that you do not expect that every good Catholic is going to find the same things edifying that you do.
 
I don’t know if you are already doing this, but my wife and myself pray together each morning. It is something that had developed over the years for us, and it has been very beneficial for both of us for many reasons.

DGB
 
KimberlyAnn0218 said:
Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I appreciate how no one was unfair about this. I really hadn’t realized how lopsided our faith had become. I wonder if perhaps he is even a little embarrassed at my public displays of faith. Granted wearing a cross necklace, having a cross in the home, in the car, etc does not mean you are a good Christian,
But those things remind me to think about God. To him perhaps it is embarrassing. I love God and I understand now what it means for God to be first-- not that I always SHOW God that, but I understand that putting God first makes me a better Mom and a better wife ultimately. I really do want to “live like that” and that will take work. I am sure I am on this path for a reason and I just have to trust. I will look into that book. Maybe he will read it for me because I ask him to. He is a great man, my DH no doubt about that. There is just something in the way.
Click to expand...
If I were you, I wouldn’t make up stories in your mind about what your husband is thinking or feeling. It just may not be true and there is no reason to make problems where their aren’t any. We are travelling down a slippery slope when we start imagining what other’s are thinking or feeling. He may actually be very proud that you wear a cross and keep them in your house.

You may not be lopsided in your faith either. Your husband just may have had a momentary lapse of reason and was blinded by his desire to watch the Super Bowl. He is only human. Have faith in your husband and have faith in God. You can just help him recall what his priorities are and encourage him in them without making a huge problem. Make it a platform to learn.
 
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