Husband's Affair

[cabolissa]

I just found out that my husband’s been having an affair for TWO YEARS! He’s said he’s ended it, both spouses now know, and we’re moving to another state in 4 weeks (planned before I knew).
I don’t even where to start, I can’t concentrate, and I’m not sure how to handle this.
I am going to call our parish shortly, but wanted to get some advice…

 

[whatevergirl]

There’s an old saying, when in doubt, do nothing. I wouldn’t make any drastic moves, and calling your priest would be wise. He can give you some great advice, if you know and feel comfortable with him. I’m so sorry this happened…did your husband admit this to you, or you found out? Did he end it because of your family’s move?

I don’t know the innerworkings of your marriage, but typically, affairs are not about the spouse who is being cheated on, rather it’s about a person trying to fill some type of void. If possible, it would be good to be able to work through this, but right now, you’re hurting, and it will take time. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[hurtandhealing]

I am so sorry to hear this. You are not alone. I will never forget the way I felt when I found out about my husband’s affair. (I found out last May, a couple of weeks before he ended his 9 month affair.)

It is not easy. You are experiencing very normal feelings. It is hard to concentrate, eat, sleep, talk . . . basically all of your normal activities.

You are entering a new season of your life - and it will be a challenging one. God will get you through this.

I am not sure how recently he told you, but there are some things I wish I knew up front:

Don’t tell everyone. Make sure that anyone you tell is able to be there for you both, no matter what. Do be kind to yourself, taking as many “extras” off your plate as possible. Get help (counseling) for yourself, both couples and individual. This website has been invaluable for me: www.affairrecovery.com. Don’t make any major decisions quickly. Take time to heal and listen to what God is telling you to do.

You aren’t alone. :hug3: Please feel free to PM me any time. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Being there, I can truly say that I don’t wish this on any one.

God bless you.

 

[cabolissa]

There’s an old saying, when in doubt, do nothing. I wouldn’t make any drastic moves, and calling your priest would be wise. He can give you some great advice, if you know and feel comfortable with him. I’m so sorry this happened…did your husband admit this to you, or you found out? Did he end it because of your family’s move?

I don’t know the innerworkings of your marriage, but typically, affairs are not about the spouse who is being cheated on, rather it’s about a person trying to fill some type of void. If possible, it would be good to be able to work through this, but right now, you’re hurting, and it will take time. I will keep you in my prayers.

He told me on Saturday, but not all the details. Then the other husband called me yesterday telling me he knew, and then I spoke with my husband about it and he came completely clean.
I believe he’s ending it because of the move. But I know he still has feelings for her. He tells me that he’ll do anything to make it work with me, and will see a priest, go to counseling, etc. But I’m worried I’m just being duped, and should not put my kids through all this. Should I just move on? I love him, but obviously, he’s not the person I love. This person, the one I know now, I can’t stand for what he’s done. I’m ashamed of how much I am angry.

 

[hurtandhealing]

He told me on Saturday, but not all the details. Then the other husband called me yesterday telling me he knew, and then I spoke with my husband about it and he came completely clean.
I believe he’s ending it because of the move. But I know he still has feelings for her. He tells me that he’ll do anything to make it work with me, and will see a priest, go to counseling, etc. But I’m worried I’m just being duped, and should not put my kids through all this. Should I just move on? I love him, but obviously, he’s not the person I love. This person, the one I know now, I can’t stand for what he’s done. I’m ashamed of how much I am angry.

Oh sweetie, this is all so new for you. It is going to get harder before it gets better. You do have to be prepared for that.

He probably does still have feelings for her. My husband went through a period of withdrawal which was so painful. Your priest will hopefully be able to help you negotiate this time period. You will need help for a while though. He may need individual counseling to help him through the grieving process that he will experience. And it is going to hurt you a lot while he grieves this “relationship.”

Again, please do not make any quick decisions about leaving. You need your own healing and, when you are in a stronger place, you will be able to better make these decisions. Some interesting facts I found last year: the majority of couples who divorce immediately following the discovery of an affair, regret it soon after and the majority of couples who work through it, find their marriages stronger and more satisfying. If you work on your own healing and find that you cannot stay married, you will be better off.

Whether or not you leave, you will still have to heal from this. Even before my husband told me (I knew for over 2 weeks before he did), I knew that I wanted to try to salvage this. Still, there are MANY times that I think about leaving. I have to remind myself that leaving him will not stop the pain I am experiencing right now. It will still be there, only it will be compounded by the pain of divorce (and all that goes with it) and the pain of my daughter.

Your anger is justified. Do not be ashamed of it.

 

[Primrose]

I just found out that my husband’s been having an affair for TWO YEARS! He’s said he’s ended it, both spouses now know, and we’re moving to another state in 4 weeks (planned before I knew).
I don’t even where to start, I can’t concentrate, and I’m not sure how to handle this.
I am going to call our parish shortly, but wanted to get some advice…

Bless you Cabolissa. I’ve been there. I’m now 2 years later. Though, I’m a bit different. He chose his girlfriend!!! But hang in there, there is light and your faith will help you. You’re in my prayers
Primrose:thumbsup:

 

[Primrose]

Oh sweetie, this is all so new for you. It is going to get harder before it gets better. You do have to be prepared for that.

He probably does still have feelings for her. My husband went through a period of withdrawal which was so painful. Your priest will hopefully be able to help you negotiate this time period. You will need help for a while though. He may need individual counseling to help him through the grieving process that he will experience. And it is going to hurt you a lot while he grieves this “relationship.”

Again, please do not make any quick decisions about leaving. You need your own healing and, when you are in a stronger place, you will be able to better make these decisions. Some interesting facts I found last year: the majority of couples who divorce immediately following the discovery of an affair, regret it soon after and the majority of couples who work through it, find their marriages stronger and more satisfying. If you work on your own healing and find that you cannot stay married, you will be better off.

Whether or not you leave, you will still have to heal from this. Even before my husband told me (I knew for over 2 weeks before he did), I knew that I wanted to try to salvage this. Still, there are MANY times that I think about leaving. I have to remind myself that leaving him will not stop the pain I am experiencing right now. It will still be there, only it will be compounded by the pain of divorce (and all that goes with it) and the pain of my daughter.

Your anger is justified. Do not be ashamed of it.

I agree with hurtandhealing. Don’t make any rash decisions. I was completely ready to do anything to save my marriage, but he didn’t want to and ended it (on our 2nd daughters 5th birthday- so thoughtful:bigyikes: ). Honestly, be easy on yourself. It does hurt, it hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt, but it does get better. It is a rollercoaster. Even in an hour you can feel endless variants of emotion. Praise God I was in a great church where people were so supportive. Do get counselling, it is important to talk about it with each other.

I don’t know if you’ve got children. Try to keep your emotions out of talking about their father. I have really tried to do it. It’s bloody hard, but you’ve got to think of them, not yourself. It’s not easy when the kids are telling you all about the woman who is to them fantastic but she’s the one who chose to run after my then husband. I haven’t told the kids what happened (I have a 9yrs girl, 7 yrs girl, 5 yrs boy and 2 yrs girl).

bless you and use this forum to ‘let it all out’
Primrose:hug3:

Primrose

 

[Lillybean]

Cabolissa,

I just wanted to say that I’ve been there and I totally feel your pain. My husband cheated on me twice during our twenty years together. Though I wanted to run fast and as far away as possible, he stood by and wouldn’t let me go. We have since spent many many years working through it all and been i counseling, and in the end have a stronger and more honest marriage than we ever had in the beginning.

But first… take a deep breath… and whatever you do… think first, then act. The move you are planning could help in rebuilding your marriage - if you are moving together. My best advice is to find a christian marriage counselor and go together, as well as on your own. I don’t know if you have children, but if you do, try your hardest to keep them from knowing - its none of their business and you don’t want them to feel like they have to “take sides.” It wouldn’t be healthy.

I think someone earlier posted about not telling everyone… and so true that is. You have every right to be angry, to be hurt, to feel humiliated… but as hard as it may seem, try to resist the urge to let everyone know what a fool he’s been. It will only make matters worse later on… especially when you two work it out.

My heart goes out to you… its not easy to get past an affair, but it can be done, but only if you are both willing to put the work into it. If you wish to talk about it, feel free to message me. My prayers are with you.

 

[cabolissa]

Yes we have two kids: a girl, 12 (already knows) and a boy, 18 mos…

 

[faithandhope]

Oh sweetie, this is all so new for you. It is going to get harder before it gets better. You do have to be prepared for that.

He probably does still have feelings for her. My husband went through a period of withdrawal which was so painful. Your priest will hopefully be able to help you negotiate this time period. You will need help for a while though. He may need individual counseling to help him through the grieving process that he will experience. And it is going to hurt you a lot while he grieves this “relationship.”

Again, please do not make any quick decisions about leaving. You need your own healing and, when you are in a stronger place, you will be able to better make these decisions. Some interesting facts I found last year: the majority of couples who divorce immediately following the discovery of an affair, regret it soon after and the majority of couples who work through it, find their marriages stronger and more satisfying. If you work on your own healing and find that you cannot stay married, you will be better off.

Whether or not you leave, you will still have to heal from this. Even before my husband told me (I knew for over 2 weeks before he did), I knew that I wanted to try to salvage this. Still, there are MANY times that I think about leaving. I have to remind myself that leaving him will not stop the pain I am experiencing right now. It will still be there, only it will be compounded by the pain of divorce (and all that goes with it) and the pain of my daughter.

Your anger is justified. Do not be ashamed of it.

I agree with hurtandhealing . I recently found out about my husbands affair in July 2008. Which lasted a little over 6 months.
Everyday you will be reminded of the pain. I’m still in the process of healing and trying to figure out if this will work out. All books and articles I’ve read all say that the healing takes approximately 1 to 2 years (sad). In the light of all this you will become another person and the person you thought you knew is longer that person. Although he will deny that he’s a different person.
You are in the right place with the right people. We are here for you and will pray for you and your family.
Everything that you feel and the feeling that are coming in the near future are all normal. There will be times that you will feel like you’re going crazy, believe me you’re not.

Let God guide you and keep you safe.

God bless you!
faithandhope

 

[faithandhope]

Yes we have two kids: a girl, 12 (already knows) and a boy, 18 mos…

Oh boy!!! sorry.

In Christ,

 

[Primrose]

Yes we have two kids: a girl, 12 (already knows) and a boy, 18 mos…

Awww. My children know that Daddy loves them but he doesn’t love Mummy. I’m just not going to tell them the details till their older. He can face the consequences then. I just hug them and let them know when I’m feeling upset that it isn’t their fault, and the first year was terrible. But Praise God, I’m through the other side. And I see joy in the simple things. At the moment, just focus on putting one foot infront of the other. If you feel down, let yourself feel it. I now rejoice in the little hug from my kids ‘I lubs you Mummy’.

Praying the rosary helped me get my mind off it (the beginning of my conversion), because you do at times want to try and think of something else. Just hang in there.
Primrose

 

[whatevergirl]

He told me on Saturday, but not all the details. Then the other husband called me yesterday telling me he knew, and then I spoke with my husband about it and he came completely clean.
I believe he’s ending it because of the move. But I know he still has feelings for her. He tells me that he’ll do anything to make it work with me, and will see a priest, go to counseling, etc. But I’m worried I’m just being duped, and should not put my kids through all this. Should I just move on? I love him, but obviously, he’s not the person I love. This person, the one I know now, I can’t stand for what he’s done. I’m ashamed of how much I am angry.

In reading through the thread, he was seeing her when you were pregnant…wow. I am very sorry to hear that. It is so very hard to instruct someone as to what to do in these instances. As we know, Christ doesn’t advocate divorce, but perhaps your husband didn’t understand the sanctity of marriage. Marriage is a fullblown, BIG committment…and for many, too much to handle for a lifetime. Or a short time, even. The vows that you took, he didn’t uphold, and for that, you have a “right” to be angry. If you weren’t angry, I’d wonder about you! ha (I’m trying to make you smile a bit)

If I were in your shoes, looking at all this, I might be reluctant to move…and start a life elsewhere, and think that is going to resolve the whole thing. May I ask-why are you moving?
And–how do you ‘know’ he still has feelings for her? I don’t mean to dredge up anything, but it might help you to get it all out.

 

[cabolissa]

In reading through the thread, he was seeing her when you were pregnant…wow. I am very sorry to hear that. It is so very hard to instruct someone as to what to do in these instances. As we know, Christ doesn’t advocate divorce, but perhaps your husband didn’t understand the sanctity of marriage. Marriage is a fullblown, BIG committment…and for many, too much to handle for a lifetime. Or a short time, even. The vows that you took, he didn’t uphold, and for that, you have a “right” to be angry. If you weren’t angry, I’d wonder about you! ha (I’m trying to make you smile a bit)

If I were in your shoes, looking at all this, I might be reluctant to move…and start a life elsewhere, and think that is going to resolve the whole thing. May I ask-why are you moving?
And–how do you ‘know’ he still has feelings for her? I don’t mean to dredge up anything, but it might help you to get it all out.

I’m not moving for him, I’m moving for my job. And the lower cost of living. We’ve been planning it for over a year since we lost a ton of money in the CA housing market (long story). I welcome the change, personally. I can’t be in this town the same way anymore.
But, trust me, in NO WAY do I think that the move is going to solve anything but some of our financial worries. The real work is just beginning for the two of us. I’m heartened by hearing that sometimes relationships come out stronger after something like this. But I’m also trying to be level headed about the whole thing.

Update: I just got a call back from our pastoral care (PhD). She’s meeting with us tomorrow morning at 9:30. I made the appointment for me, but when I asked him if he wanted to go, he readily agreed. He says he wants to do everything to restore our marriage. I just have to take it moment by moment. Thank you for all your advice about taking things slow, and not rushing into any decisions. That’s what my gut tells me too, but our society is so “dump him” ready that I just couldn’t do right now. I need time to process this, and maybe we won’t end up together in the end, but I would like to give it an honest try first and so does he. That’s all I know right now.

 

[DJgang]

You are in my prayers. It is really great that he wants to go to the meeting with you … says a lot. Moment by moment as you say.

So sorry for your pain

God bless, Dana

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m not moving for him, I’m moving for my job. And the lower cost of living. We’ve been planning it for over a year since we lost a ton of money in the CA housing market (long story). I welcome the change, personally. I can’t be in this town the same way anymore.
But, trust me, in NO WAY do I think that the move is going to solve anything but some of our financial worries. The real work is just beginning for the two of us. I’m heartened by hearing that sometimes relationships come out stronger after something like this. But I’m also trying to be level headed about the whole thing.

Update: I just got a call back from our pastoral care (PhD). She’s meeting with us tomorrow morning at 9:30. I made the appointment for me, but when I asked him if he wanted to go, he readily agreed. He says he wants to do everything to restore our marriage. I just have to take it moment by moment. Thank you for all your advice about taking things slow, and not rushing into any decisions. That’s what my gut tells me too, but our society is so “dump him” ready that I just couldn’t do right now. I need time to process this, and maybe we won’t end up together in the end, but I would like to give it an honest try first and so does he. That’s all I know right now.

Excellent start. I am angry with your husband, too…and I don’t know him. lol But, anger is part of it all. Don’t sweep the anger and sadness under the carpet…express it…often, until eventually you won’t feel anger anymore. Forgiveness is a process too. We are to forgive, but sometimes it can take time, when we are given a blow like you just received. Since you seem to like Mother Teresa quotes, here is another…she was often quoted as saying…‘do what is in front of you…’ and ‘do the smallest of things with great love.’

And as long as you just do what is in front of you, this won’t eat you up. Don’t think about next week…next year…what if…suppose he still likes her…bla bla…just do what is in front of you and with great love. (two quotes in one ha)

You sound like a strong lady and I hope your move goes smoothly. I wish I could give you encouragement about moving…now, that really stinks! ha We moved twice in two years, and ugh…the agony of it. Is anyone helping you move? I wish we had hired someone to do the heavy lifting!

God bless…

 

[cabolissa]

Excellent start. I am angry with your husband, too…and I don’t know him. lol But, anger is part of it all. Don’t sweep the anger and sadness under the carpet…express it…often, until eventually you won’t feel anger anymore. Forgiveness is a process too. We are to forgive, but sometimes it can take time, when we are given a blow like you just received. Since you seem to like Mother Teresa quotes, here is another…she was often quoted as saying…‘do what is in front of you…’ and ‘do the smallest of things with great love.’

And as long as you just do what is in front of you, this won’t eat you up. Don’t think about next week…next year…what if…suppose he still likes her…bla bla…just do what is in front of you and with great love. (two quotes in one ha)

You sound like a strong lady and I hope your move goes smoothly. I wish I could give you encouragement about moving…now, that really stinks! ha We moved twice in two years, and ugh…the agony of it. Is anyone helping you move? I wish we had hired someone to do the heavy lifting!

God bless…

Yes, we’re packing and hiring a mover to transport there. My MIL is coming out a week before and driving the drive with us to help us with the kids. He just told his mom about it. I’m not telling mine. I think he feels like he’s been living such a lie for so long, that he wants to come clean. Problem is, he’s hurting everyone in the process of it all.

 

[GerlyOne]

I would just like to say that…wouldn’t it be just incredibly awesome if women united in “sisterhood” and quit hurting each other by taking up with someone else’s husband???

I joined this community because my dear husband of almost 24 years decided to initiate an emotional email affair with a co-worker of his…I just got back from marriage couseling…it is truly helping.

He’s remorseful, but sometimes I wonder…why???..because he’s truly sorry he was such an idiot by betraying me…or…because he got caught??? (Sorry, still dealing with my anger )

Listen, since all this happened he has worked really hard at apologizing, answering all my questions, indulging my emotional fits, including name calling…I’m a LEO, wrong woman to mess with!

All sarcasm aside, I am truly sorry that you are hurting, I am sorry for the women who have posted that this has happened to. Since it happened to me, I have spent so much time and energy researching affairs on the Internet that I’m going a little nuts. I need to just pray more diligently and leave it in my Father’s hands, He, and only He, knows where this journey will take me. Through faith, hope, and constant prayers I know that my marriage will survive.

Funny, I always used to say that I would NEVER support this behavior from my husband and that if he ever “did it”, I would kick his _ _ _ out of the house, but in reality, it’s not that easy, especially when children are involved.

I wish for you peace, tranquility, and answered prayers my friend, and to all you others who are still dealing with this very painful situation. God bless us all!

GerlyOne

 

[cabolissa]

I would just like to say that…wouldn’t it be just incredibly awesome if women united in “sisterhood” and quit hurting each other by taking up with someone else’s husband???

I joined this community because my dear husband of almost 24 years decided to initiate an emotional email affair with a co-worker of his…I just got back from marriage couseling…it is truly helping.

He’s remorseful, but sometimes I wonder…why???..because he’s truly sorry he was such an idiot by betraying me…or…because he got caught??? (Sorry, still dealing with my anger )

Listen, since all this happened he has worked really hard at apologizing, answering all my questions, indulging my emotional fits, including name calling…I’m a LEO, wrong woman to mess with!

All sarcasm aside, I am truly sorry that you are hurting, I am sorry for the women who have posted that this has happened to. Since it happened to me, I have spent so much time and energy researching affairs on the Internet that I’m going a little nuts. I need to just pray more diligently and leave it in my Father’s hands, He, and only He, knows where this journey will take me. Through faith, hope, and constant prayers I know that my marriage will survive.

Funny, I always used to say that I would NEVER support this behavior from my husband and that if he ever “did it”, I would kick his _ _ _ out of the house, but in reality, it’s not that easy, especially when children are involved.

I wish for you peace, tranquility, and answered prayers my friend, and to all you others who are still dealing with this very painful situation. God bless us all!

GerlyOne

No kidding. What is it about people who do this? But I’m not going to only blame her, I’m not fixating on her because I’m not married to her. He’s the one I’ve got issues with, and he’s to blame for ruining our marriage.

 

[Seatuck]

After you get settled in the new place see about going on a Retrouvaille weekend.

www.retrouvaille.org