Husbands, here's some unsolicited advice from a married man on Ephesians 5:21-33

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childinthefaith

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Ok Gentlemen, what’s my qualifications to advise any husband?
Bio: Married high school sweetheart at age 19. Married now 30 years. 2 kids.
We’ve been through a war together, me being a…jerk…and nearly committing adultery. Then, my being disabled…
We are as, or more, in love now than when we were dating. I’ve zero complaints yet a ton of her commendations. So, the qualifying factor is, after 30 years of marriage and walking through hell together, i have a happy wife. Try that for a qualification.

Now, just yesterday I was reading in Ephesians and came across this passage. It is essentially a code of conduct for husbands and wives, but typically men use it to try to say wives are to submit to them. I used it that way once or twice in the past myself. Wrong.
Fact is gents, we have to be devoted in love and do our utmost, “as Christ…” who loves us more than we can ever love, to love our wife. That means you put her needs above your own. Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual. She comes first in the relationship (& it will be reciprocated I promise).

Thing is, most of us want the wife to reciprocate for our professed love in their actions, when we have but professed, not demonstrated in action. Here I’ll say, “Money talks…and bull…walks.”
Do you truly want the best for her without being tied to your getting something in return? If not, better work on that. Because, IF you show her, in action, that is the case, she will love you as you wish to be loved back. Just remember, YOU as the husband are the leader, so you go into battle first, you take risks first, you make sure her needs are met first…Of course you must be the best you possible to give her the best husband you are able, but if you consider that when you’re doing things to improve yourself, it is for her better care, it will work sooooooo much better.

That’s all I got gents. Take it or leave it.

Pay attention to the path left by successful people…

Eph 5:21 Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, and I mean in reference to Christ and the church; 33 however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
 
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I also recommend the prayer “Lord, reduce me to love”. It’s extremely powerful and humbling when you think about it!
 
Perhaps not all wives are “like that”?

I guarantee each lady is different. But, a husband must put the work in to know his wife and how she responds. However, that should be done with a motive of improving things for her, not to learn to manipulate her into doing as he desires.

The Five Love Languages(?), if that’s correct title, is a good starting point for learning each other in order to fulfill each others needs. After all, if one doesnt speak the wife’s language, hope is going downhill fast.

Also, if I read correctly, she isnt loving u back the way you wish. If that’s the case, u may need to verify she is clear on what it is you wish…women tend to be intuitive but they’re not clairvoyant.

Also, we all need to consider (Dr Phil says), how much fun we are to be around. Dont make her dread seeing u coming!

Peace and good wishes
 
That is some great wisdom! I loved reading quotes from Billy and Ruth Graham who in the end had a 64 year marriage. They talked about their imperfect marriage but they were happily incompatible. One quote by Ruth was something like that by grace they were never sick of each other at the same time. It always went in cycles where one was the one that held it altogether and then it was the other. I’m the wife in a 32 year marriage and I can heartily concur with how wonderful is a marriage that has endured through thick and thin. God bless you both. ❤️
 
I think the op could have been started this way…

Ok ladies, what’s my qualifications to advise any wife?

…and it would have been equally valid. Marriage is a two way street (41 years and counting).
 
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Emeraldlady said:
They talked about their imperfect marriage but they were happily incompatible. One quote by Ruth was something like that by grace they were never sick of each other at the same time.
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Funny, we have a similar way of saying that → “We’re too stubborn to give up on each other.”
As for my side of that equation, I have made it clear that the ONLY way she gets rid of me is with a hollow point 🙂
Freddy said:
I think the op could have been started this way…

Ok ladies, what’s my qualifications to advise any wife?

…and it would have been equally valid. Marriage is a two way street (41 years and counting).
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Indeed it could have, but the problem with is, this is from a guy, to other husbands. I am not a certified counselor, nor an expert. What I am here is, a layman who has 33 years with my wife, 30 of which are married years, and a boatload of experience walking through hell. She walked through it with me.
Point being, my intent was to speak here to Catholic husbands from personal experience.

Congrats on your 41 years for sure 🙂 AND yeh, it is clearly a two way street. However, as the “head of the family,” the husband is the one who, here is instructed →
childinthefaith said:
28 Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself
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So, when we walk down that two way street of marriage, we men, as leaders, have to love and respect our wife as we love ourselves, and we certainly, as your 41 years will have confirmed, must respect them as we respect ourselves. “Happy wife = Happy Life”
My desire in the OP was to maybe pass along a little advice to younger husbands who desire or need it.
In any case, it’s no biggie, the topic of OP. It is what it is. Blessings to all 🙂
 
I am new here, sorry, I missed something. A post was removed?
Ok then.

Blessings,
 
I didn’t see your post, but if it was removed then there must have been something in it violating Terms of Service which caused someone to flag it. I doubt it was due to mere disagreement.

If you want to know why it was removed you would have to contact the moderator.
 
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As a wife who has been married to only one man for 41 years, I feel qualified to add this important piece of advice:

Communicate, communicate, COMMUNICATE! Nothing causes misunderstanding worse than lack of communication or insufficient communication. And, fellows, communication is a two-way street. It not only involves talking, but also, LISTENING. It has never ceased to amaze me how so many men are either incapable of listening or unwilling to listen to their wives. Yet, that’s as important for good communication and understanding as talking is, if not more so.

And by listening, I mean whole-hearted listening, not spending your listening time formulating your rebuttal to what she is saying, and thereby missing her message. Instead, be genuinely interested in what she is saying, because that shows you value her. She is communicating with you. She is sharing information, her feelings, her thoughts and ideas. She values you enough to share herself with you in that way, so you can value her enough to listen to her with sincere and genuine interest. You don’t necessarily have to agree, but do hear her out. Just as you would want to be granted a fair hearing, so does she.

The one bad habit so many men (and women) have is interrupting their spouses while they’re speaking. Talking over them, cutting them off in mid-sentence, because they either don’t want to hear what’s being said or they assume they already know how the message is going to end, so won’t give their spouse a chance to finish speaking.

This is rude, disrespectful and personally insulting when either spouse does it. Interrupting not only robs one of the chance to receive what could be valuable and important information, it also sends the message that you don’t care how your spouse feels or what he or she thinks, and that your own point of view is the ONLY one worth considering. This is arrogant and egotistical, not to mention extremely selfish.
 
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JanR said:
The one bad habit so many men (and women) have is interrupting their spouses while they’re speaking. Talking over them, cutting them off in mid-sentence, because they either don’t want to hear what’s being said or they assume they already know how the message is going to end, so won’t give their spouse a chance to finish speaking.

This is rude, disrespectful and personally insulting when either spouse does it. Interrupting not only robs one of the chance to receive what could be valuable and important information, it also sends the message that you don’t care how your spouse feels or what he or she thinks, and that your own point of view is the ONLY one worth considering. This is arrogant and egotistical, not to mention extremely selfish.
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Agree whole-heartedly with your entire post.

We men tend towards problems with “actively listening,” which involves not only hearing, but seeking to fully understand what we hear, from the perspective of she who said it…
Many of us are caught up so much in what we want to say on a topic that we ignore other people’s words on an issue long enough to grab a pause to state our (presumed correct) statements…I’ve done it - bad bad bad.
 
I recall a beloved pastor saying that most divorces were due to simple selfishness.
Seems true to me!
 
Hawkmaid7 said:
I also recommend the prayer “Lord, reduce me to love”. It’s extremely powerful and humbling when you think about it!
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Actually, there is a corollary to the Mommy Prayer (“Lord…Help!”) which is (“Lord, you love him, because I can’t do it”). What you find is, you can. You just can’t do it by yourself.
childinthefaith said:
Funny, we have a similar way of saying that → “We’re too stubborn to give up on each other.”
As for my side of that equation, I have made it clear that the ONLY way she gets rid of me is with a hollow point 🙂
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I used to say something along those lines, but now we watch too much Forensic Files.
 
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JanR said:
And by listening, I mean whole-hearted listening, not spending your listening time formulating your rebuttal to what she is saying, and thereby missing her message.
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You remind me of this:
(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

It comes as a surprise to many men that some people, especially women, ask questions not to get immediate answers or in order to have a debate (in which someone wins) but in order to start a dialogue in which people disclose things about themselves by the way they answer and the questions they ask.
 
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I remember telling my husband something one day that was not about him, and he reacted negatively because he didn’t know what I wanted him to do. I said “I didn’t ask you to fix anything, I just wanted you to listen to me.”
 
Irishmom2 said:
I remember telling my husband something one day that was not about him, and he reacted negatively because he didn’t know what I wanted him to do. I said “I didn’t ask you to fix anything, I just wanted you to listen to me.”
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“Oh. Well. That’s OK, then…but now what did you say? She did what?”

I say that tongue-in-cheek, but I think we have all listened with a filter that removes the stuff that has nothing to do with what we decided in advance was “the bottom line.” Well, I should speak for myself and admit that women do it sometimes, too.
 
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childinthefaith said:
We men tend towards problems with “actively listening,” which involves not only hearing, but seeking to fully understand what we hear, from the perspective of she who said it…
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You must have learnt this from somewhere. Was it your wife, or someone else like a marriage counselor? Anyway, a wife should be merciful with her husband if she has an expectation of what you’ve described. I mean, I don’t expect my wife to clean the gutters.
childinthefaith said:
Many of us are caught up so much in what we want to say on a topic that we ignore other people’s words on an issue long enough to grab a pause to state our (presumed correct) statements…I’ve done it - bad bad bad.
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I’ve found that this is more of a trait in men who work in a corporate environment. It probably just attracts people who are more inclined to agree with themselves.
 
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