Husband's loyalty to wife? Or no big deal?

  • Thread starter Thread starter jmj777
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

jmj777

Guest
To what extent should a husband be loyal to his wife? Let’s wife was betrayed by friend and now they’re no longer friends. They talk civilly, but wife no longer considers them friends. Husband knows wife is hurt although wife has gotten over it.

At a mutual friend’s birthday party, ex- friend is also in attendance who happens to have made the cake and other desserts. Husband continuously compliments ex- friend’s baking prowess in front of wife who laughs it off, internally uncomfortable with the non-stop compliments from her husband towards her ex-friend.

Wife hurt that husband was so friendly and playful towards the women his wife no longer considers a friend. Wife doesn’t want husband to be mean, but not so overtly friendly.

When at home, husband insists there was nothing negative about his behavior. (Note: this has happened numerous times in their marriage).

Is wife asking too much from husband?

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
That behavior from my husband would make me, as a wife, extremely uncomfortable. I see the need to be civil with ex-friends, and with former friends of spouses, but being repeatedly complimentary would be very hurtful. Especially since the friendship ended in betrayal.
 
If the real issue here is that the wife thinks that the husband shouldn’t be friendly at all or give any compliments at all to someone who did nothing to him but somehow offended the wife, then the wife is being unreasonable. It’s like saying “I don’t like that person anymore so you can’t like them anymore either.” Loyalty doesn’t mean the husband can’t be nice to someone just because the wife doesn’t consider the person a friend anymore. Now, if he is going out of his way and doing is purposely and in an exaggerated way and doing it only with the person the wife dislikes and is not so friendly with other friends, then maybe there is a problem.
 
This sounds a little too much like high school teenage drama, but my general opinion would be that the husband should err on the side of caution. Knowing how his wife feels, he should avoid unnecessary conversation with this former friend. Keep things civil, but as brief as possible.
 
jmj777 said:
To what extent should a husband be loyal to his wife? Let’s wife was betrayed by friend and now they’re no longer friends. They talk civilly, but wife no longer considers them friends. Husband knows wife is hurt although wife has gotten over it.

At a mutual friend’s birthday party, ex- friend is also in attendance who happens to have made the cake and other desserts. Husband continuously compliments ex- friend’s baking prowess in front of wife who laughs it off, internally uncomfortable with the non-stop compliments from her husband towards her ex-friend.

Wife hurt that husband was so friendly and playful towards the women his wife no longer considers a friend. Wife doesn’t want husband to be mean, but not so overtly friendly.

When at home, husband insists there was nothing negative about his behavior. (Note: this has happened numerous times in their marriage).

Is wife asking too much from husband?

Peace.

+JMJ+
Click to expand...
You have needlessly complicated the post by unecessarily trying to make it generic.

Bottom line it sounds like the wife has some social issues and the husband engages in passive aggressive behavior to dig at her.

From only what you described I’d say it’s a marriage with little respect or communication on both sides.
 
Is the husband only really friendly towards the wife’s ex-friend? Is he just as friendly to others? What is the marriage like otherwise? Do they have lots of issues? Not trying to pry, and questions do not have to be answered here.

It would seem that there is some communication lacking. I could be totally wrong, but that is what stands out to me.
 
Numerous times as in very friendly with other women in my presence – to the point that I feel uncomfortable. Shows women he enjoys their attention.

As if he’s focused on making them laugh or interact with him. I find it disrespectful.

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
A simple compliment? Okay.

Playful and overtly friendly? I’d be upset…
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
You have needlessly complicated the post by unecessarily trying to make it generic.

**Bottom line it sounds like the wife has some social issues and the husband engages in passive aggressive behavior to dig at her. **

From only what you described I’d say it’s a marriage with little respect or communication on both sides.
Click to expand...
That’s my take on this too.
 
jmj777 said:
Numerous times as in very friendly with other women in my presence – to the point that I feel uncomfortable. Shows women he enjoys their attention.

As if he’s focused on making them laugh or interact with him. I find it disrespectful.
Click to expand...
So I assume you have made this clear to him, how you feel? If so, and he persists, then I would tend to agree that it’s disrespectful.

You can ask yourself if you are being reasonable or reading something into his behaviour that isn’t there. Some spouses can be jealous without good cause. But - bottom line - he ought to take your feelings into account regardless and modify his behaviour.

If this is already the problem you make it out to be, and you have tried to address it with him repeatedly, then marriage counselling may be the next immediate step. Given you’ve come to a public forum to voice your grievances, I think you’ve arrived at that point.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
How big an Enemies List does the wife have?
Click to expand...
This is a brilliant question.

If the wife is usually an easygoing person and was greviously offended by an objectively unjust act, the husband should back up his wife. If the wife gets in frequent social tiffs (and even moreso, if she and her friends get in frequent squabbles, then make up, then squabble again), it may not be reasonable or beneficial for anyone to expect the husband to get involved and exacerbate things.

As others have said, it sounds like the couple needs to work on their communication.
 
jmj777 said:
Numerous times as in very friendly with other women in my presence – to the point that I feel uncomfortable. Shows women he enjoys their attention.

As if he’s focused on making them laugh or interact with him. I find it disrespectful.

Peace.

+JMJ+
Click to expand...
Now, you are changing the issue. First, it was that the husband was friendly to a particular woman who had “betrayed” the wife. Now, it is that he is too friendly with other women generally. It is difficult for others to say what is appropriate here. It sounds like the husband and wife may just have different personalities. Perhaps talking with a family counselor might be wise.
 
We do have different personalities – he’s an extrovert and I’m introverted. I have no problem with that.

The playfulness/compliments with other women despite my presence there is the issue. The falling out of my friendship with the other woman exacerbated the problem this time around.

I have a select few friends and it’s not a situation where I have many friends that we go in circles, hating and then befriending each other in vicious cycles. I just expected him to be more reserved in his friendliness towards her specifically. He literally left me to engage in conversation with her in a different room (with other people around). When they returned, it was back and forth banter, that I, to disguise my discomfort, laughed along with. I don’t see how my expectations are all that unrealistic.

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
We do have different personalities – he’s an extrovert and I’m introverted. I have no problem with that.
Click to expand...
**But you do have a problem with it. You expect him to suppress his nature in order to make you feel better about yourself. **
The playfulness/compliments with other women despite my presence there is the issue. The falling out of my friendship with the other woman exacerbated the problem this time around.
Click to expand...
**So what would you have him do? Stand beside you silently gazing upon you adoringly? That seems by itself, fairly unrealistic. **
I have a select few friends and it’s not a situation where I have many friends that we go in circles, hating and then befriending each other in vicious cycles.
Click to expand...
Good!
I just expected him to be more reserved in his friendliness towards her specifically.
Click to expand...
**Well, I’m not sure why you expect him to get into your issue with this woman at all. It’s between you two ladies, frankly, not the entire world. **
He literally left me to engage in conversation with her in a different room (with other people around).
Click to expand...
**Might have missed an opportunity to mend fences. **
When they returned, it was back and forth banter, that I, to disguise my discomfort, laughed along with.
Click to expand...
**How does one laugh with discomfort? That seems fake to me. If you were THAT upset, walk away. **
I don’t see how my expectations are all that unrealistic.
Click to expand...
**This seems kind of like high school behavior. I’d take a hard look inward, and see if his being an extrovert can be a blessing to you. Maybe he’s trying to get you to lighten up. 🤷 At any rate, your post comes off kind of harsh…I don’t think it’s about loyalty. It’s more about he fact that you really really don’t like this woman.
Fair enough. Don’t socialize with her, and move on. **
 
Wow, pianistclare, and you called my post harsh! Your snarky comments such as “silently gazing upon you adoringly” and “This seems kind of like high school behavior” and “How does one laugh with discomfort? That seems fake to me” – are unwelcome and unhelpful.

If you can’t say anything positive to help a poster with a situation without snide remarks, it would be best to keep your judgmental comments to yourself. Charity in full bloom, huh? Thanks, but no thanks.

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
jmj777 said:
Wow, pianistclare, and you called my post harsh! Your snarky comments such as “silently gazing upon you adoringly” and “This seems kind of like high school behavior” and “How does one laugh with discomfort? That seems fake to me” – are unwelcome and unhelpful.

If you can’t say anything positive to help a poster with a situation without snide remarks, it would be best to keep your judgmental comments to yourself. Charity in full bloom, huh? Thanks, but no thanks.

Peace.

+JMJ+
Click to expand...
Sorry. It’s a forum. People post, other people answer. That’s how it goes. :confused:
Those who REALLY know me know that it was meant to be helpful.
Sometimes people just don’t want to hear alternate viewpoints.
There’s nothing snarky about what I wrote.
***You take offense easily. ***
That may be at the root of the problem.
I’ll unsubscribe.
Clearly you don’t want to look at alternate opinions.
Peace.
 
jmj777 said:
Wow, pianistclare, and you called my post harsh! Your snarky comments such as “silently gazing upon you adoringly” and “This seems kind of like high school behavior” and “How does one laugh with discomfort? That seems fake to me” – are unwelcome and unhelpful.

If you can’t say anything positive to help a poster with a situation without snide remarks, it would be best to keep your judgmental comments to yourself. Charity in full bloom, huh? Thanks, but no thanks.

Peace.

+JMJ+
Click to expand...
Actually, pianistclare is right. Your original post- even the fake third person “hypothetical” came across as extremely juvenile and reminiscent of something a 16 year old would be upset with her boyfriend over.

I don’t think you’re looking for help, you’re looking for validation and when you aren’t getting it you get angry.
 
Maybe the cake was just really really good? 😃

I believe OP has a point. If she has told her husband that it bothers her when he “flirts” with other women in front of her, I think he has a responsibility to knock it off. Even if the behavior seems meaningless and trivial to him, it apparently upsets his spouse. He should be considerate of his wife.

Now, on the flip side, it is possible OP is being way too sensitive and is making a mountain out of a mole hill. I think the OP needs to be sure she isn’t over reacting to her husband’s normal group interaction–and letting her insecurities get the best of her. But, in general, I believe that if the behavior of one spouse bothers the other…especially on something like interaction with the opposite sex…they have an obligation to adjust that behavior.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top