jmj777,
I am sorry that some of the posts have felt like attacks. A lot of people have different ways of handling conflicts and can be adamantly opposed to ways different from their own. That is just a fact of different temperaments.
In regards to introvert/extrovert, I have increasingly found those terms unhelpful. They are often misunderstood and confused with terms such as shy/outgoing, which mean something entirely different. I think you might be very interested to learn about the four classical temperaments: choleric, melancholic, phlegmatic, and sanguine. I think they offer better insight into behavior patterns in oneself and others and dovetail with Catholic teaching quite nicely.
With regards to your current thread:
I have gone back through several of your threads over the last year. What I have noticed is that in many(most?) of your primary relationships, you have described repeated boundary violations of others against you, that you are unwilling or unable to acknowledge and address. And yet you are feeling resentful or offended or angry because people are violating your boundaries, the boundaries that you aren’t willing to enforce.
Even the most well-intended person who loves you is going to have a tough time being close with you if you don’t begin to understand yourself and become aware of your own boundaries and begin to enforce them. They will literally be always alternating between offending, neglecting, or suffocating you, merely by default.
With respect to your husband’s flirtatious behavior that you describe in this thread, that is a perfect example of a boundary violation. He may as yet be unaware that his behavior is flirtatious, even if everyone else present sees it clearly. In fact, it is best to approach it’s if he is totally unaware of what he has been communicating, and sit him down to explain that his behavior is obviously flirtatious, and that you know he doesn’t mean it that way, but some behaviors are just objectively going to communicate certain things, whether we intend to or not. Sort of like a woman with “resting b**** face”. She doesn’t mean to scowl at people and she has to learn to overcome her social disability by actively reminding herself to put on a pleasant expression. I hope my analogy makes sense and is not offensive. I personally work to use pleasant expressions myself in order to avoid my neutral expression communicating disapproval (except with naughty children of course!).
So I think the behavior you describe definitely needs to be addressed, but not from the perspective of loyalty. Rather from the perspective of social propriety and boundaries of spouses. Just as an aside, I know you said you have an autistic son, by any chance are either you or your husband on the spectrum? That could contribute to certain social challenges that could be alleviated by applying some of the strategies you do to help your son to yourselves. But that might not be applicable…
Also, I think itwouldreally help you to read “Boundaries”, a book written with a Christian worldview in mind that helps people to learn about setting and enforcing proper boundaries in relationships. There is also one for marriage and one for parenting, too, but I would start with the original “Boundaries”. People like us who had incredibly dysfunctional and toxic family life never learned how to understand ourselves or to have appropriate boundaries as a child. It was useful to abusive or manipulative parents to have a defenseless, boundariless child. But we grow up and we must overcome bad habits instilled by toxic parents.
People who have never experienced that sort of manipulation or abuse will not easily understand the challenges such people face. Sometimes, they can be annoyed or exasperated, as seen by some responses in this thread. We have to remember it is because they care and when they see a person perpetuating a cycle of abuse or falling into victim/helpless thinking (habits instilled by toxic parents) they come out forcefully. But it very often only forces a person further into the cycle. So many people do not understand, and thank God they never had to deal with it.
I have been actively working on learning about boundaries and overcoming instilled bad habits for about 6 years now. I am now at the point where I can identify in the moment which manipulation tactic is being wielded and choose not to engage or if I do engage, call a spade a spade. So a person can make great progress and be free of these bad habits of thought, which mostly were for self-preservation while we were still experiencing ongoing abuse or manipulation. There is so much freedom and joy waiting for those who decide to change this about themselves and with God’s help and with lots of hard work, root out the insanity of our upbringing.
I hope my post is received in the earnest concern that I mean it. These are heavy topics, but so much of this is within your ability to directly address. God bless you and good luck!
Feel free to PM me if you want!
. No matter if my wife was right or wrong. I would always back my wife especially in public. However, I remember from another post that you had trouble even approaching someone who inappropriately gave clothing to your daughter. So, I find it not odd at all that your husband might not be very “alpha” in this situation. What I do find odd though is your ability to war with this person but not the other…
