Husbands-- need some honest opinions about weight gain

[Randi]

You’re a very nice person to have this attitude. My dh doesn’t criticize, but he does seem to react positively when I lose a few pounds.

Perhaps this is a reaction to the nice mood boost that you demonstrate when you feel good for losing a bit of weight? My husband will also congratulate me on my effort to be healthy and slim down a bit, post-nursing, but makes it obvious he still finds me attractive when I am a bit plumper. After all, my plumpness is directly related to my willingness to give my whole self to him, even and especially when it means that I bear and nourish his children. How could that be anything other than alluring to a good man?

 

[lovemyboys]

Perhaps this is a reaction to the nice mood boost that you demonstrate when you feel good for losing a bit of weight? My husband will also congratulate me on my effort to be healthy and slim down a bit, post-nursing, but makes it obvious he still finds me attractive when I am a bit plumper. After all, my plumpness is directly related to my willingness to give my whole self to him, even and especially when it means that I bear and nourish his children. How could that be anything other than alluring to a good man?

-Judging by your size and height, you are obviously still in good shape.

-I can assure you, it’s not my mood that my husband notices when I lose some weight.

 

[ContegoFides]

Perhaps this is a reaction to the nice mood boost that you demonstrate when you feel good for losing a bit of weight? My husband will also congratulate me on my effort to be healthy and slim down a bit, post-nursing, but makes it obvious he still finds me attractive when I am a bit plumper. After all, my plumpness is directly related to my willingness to give my whole self to him, even and especially when it means that I bear and nourish his children. How could that be anything other than alluring to a good man?

As a man and a Catholic husband, I agree.

 

[Rascalking]

Without a doubt, men ARE visual creatures-God bless a woman for figuring this out and saying, “Honey, I know sexual temptation for you can be stronger than it is for me, thank you for conquering that part of your nature!” That woman is a gift from God, and her husband a lucky man.

Having said that, let’s keep it in perspective. When we age, we gain weight. Period. Sure, there is going overboard, but that’s in the minorty.

I totally stand by what I said, a man who makes his wife feel bad about average weight gain should be ashamed of himself. He’s not a man, he’s a childish jerk.

AND-any man who makes his wife feel bad about her weight gives her premission to talk about his lack of hair and beer gut!

 

[whatevergirl]

Am I not allowed to ask questions to get a general sense of what Catholic husbands think? I think I’m smart enough to know that the various opinions I might get are not exactly what my husband thinks. My husband, like I said, would not say anything negative to me even if I were morbidly obese.

*If my husband weighed significantly more than when we met, out of love, I’d try to help him make healthier eating choices. I think when it comes to weight, we’re very gun shy about saying anything…out of fear of hurting someone’s feelings. But, if someone is truly living an unhealthy lifestyle…it’s not a good idea to stay silent. I wouldn’t stay silent if my husband were a drug addict, or abusing alcohol. Likewise–If someone we love is ‘‘abusing’’ food, we should try to help them. Being too overweight or being overweight for a long period of time can lead to major health risks and disease. Now, if someone gained weight over the years, and is trying to get healthy, and take the weight off…if they are able to…to be **nagged **about it by a spouse CAN be very hurtful, indeed. But, if someone is seriously overweight, and not doing anything to curtail their eating habits, isn’t interested in getting healthy…I think part of our ‘roles’ as spouses are to help each other to get control of such situations. Just my two cents.

Interesting thread! *

 

[Randi]

Am I not allowed to ask questions to get a general sense of what Catholic husbands think? I think I’m smart enough to know that the various opinions I might get are not exactly what my husband thinks. My husband, like I said, would not say anything negative to me even if I were morbidly obese.

What is this all about? Why are you now asking if you are ‘not allowed to ask questions’? You asked for people’s opinions here, then said you didn’t know what your husband truly feels. No one else can tell you what your husband feels. People here at CAF, including myself, can offer only their own opinions. It sounds to me like you doubt your husband’s attraction to you and you are looking for validation. We here at CAF can encourage you to not doubt your husband, we can give you advice on losing weight if that is your wish, but none of us will actually be able to tell you what he thinks.
My responses on this thread have not been hostile to you. But I will not play into the mind games thrust upon women in society today. I am sick and tired of wives diminishing their own worth by bowing to societal expectations (i.e. they must either get super-skinny or else forever loathe their bodies). It’s ridiculous and has no place in Christian living.
If you want to change your body shape, then go for it. But do it for yourself, with respect for your body being a temple for the Holy Spirit, and ask for the encouragement and support of your husband. Don’t go looking for condemnation to be the motivation to get into shape. That never works.

 

[whatevergirl]

Without a doubt, men ARE visual creatures-God bless a woman for figuring this out and saying, “Honey, I know sexual temptation for you can be stronger than it is for me, thank you for conquering that part of your nature!” That woman is a gift from God, and her husband a lucky man.

Having said that, let’s keep it in perspective. When we age, we gain weight. Period. Sure, there is going overboard, but that’s in the minorty.

I totally stand by what I said, a man who makes his wife feel bad about average weight gain should be ashamed of himself. He’s not a man, he’s a childish jerk.

AND-any man who makes his wife feel bad about her weight gives her premission to talk about his lack of hair and beer gut!

*A man who is overweight himself, and not doing a thing to change it, isn’t in a place to tell his wife to lose weight.

Women like their hubbies to be in good shape too…it’s not just a club for men. *

 

[garyr]

How big of a deal is it to most men (who are fit themselves) when the wife gains weight? What if your wife was a size 6 when you dated, but after having a few kids is now more like a 12/14? . . .

Husband here, and I am more in love with my wife now than ever (17yrs + 6 kids later, size 4 to 10/12) and ‘relations’ are better than ever, and keep getting better. I feel sorry for any husband that can’t see past the TREMENDOUS sacrifice the mother of his kids makes - and I am eternally grateful to my wife for such- she will never be a size 4 again, and it DOES matter, but in a POSITIVE way - not negative. It is the husbands DUTY to work TOGETHER with his wife to be as healthy as possible. Together! Together! Together! I cant stress it enough! I care about her health - I know that ‘size’ was sacrificed! Put God first in the relationship, and he will reward you SO MUCH MORE ABUNDANTLY THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE!!! I feel sorry for any husband who doesn’t let his relationship/marriage mature to what God has as planned for us! The levels of tenderness, intimacy, respect, desire, and appreciation are 1000’s of orders of magnitude greater, thru God, than any honeymoon or dating era level of feelings that were experienced.

… I’ve heard Dr. Laura say that when a woman gains a lot of weight, she is breaking her end of the marriage deal. Do you agree or disagree? …

Was ‘due to having kids’ part of Dr.L’s talk? Dr.L is wrong if she thinks a woman can have several kiddos without body changes. For better or worse - weight gain alone is no deal breaker. See above.

. . . Also, how much does weight gain hurt physical attraction? Just want some honest opinions (I know there are no definite answers to these questions)…

If your relationship is limited to just that, physical attraction, then yes, sorrowfully, the attraction will wane. However, if you are married (husband), you are called to a much higher standard that that by the terms of your marriage. see #1 above.

 

[whatevergirl]

As most women age, they will gain some weight. There is a big difference between someone putting on 10 lbs and someone who lets themselves go.

It is important to love our spouses by keeping ourselves in the best physical condition we can. A mom with 4 littles who is streching every penny may not be able to make it to the gym, but, she can eat healthy, eat LESS and exercise around the house.

For healthy adults, eating WELL, eating less and moderate exercise will drop the weight off.

DH lost 60 lbs in the past year by eating less, I lost 15 lbs the same way.

Small portions, cut down white food and processed food, eat fresh or frozen fruit and veg, cut out soda and processed drinks - stay in good shape. You will feel better, have more energy, care for the body God gave you.

 

[lovemyboys]

What is this all about? Why are you now asking if you are ‘not allowed to ask questions’? You asked for people’s opinions here, then said you didn’t know what your husband truly feels. No one else can tell you what your husband feels. People here at CAF, including myself, can offer only their own opinions. It sounds to me like you doubt your husband’s attraction to you and you are looking for validation. We here at CAF can encourage you to not doubt your husband, we can give you advice on losing weight if that is your wish, but none of us will actually be able to tell you what he thinks.
My responses on this thread have not been hostile to you. But I will not play into the mind games thrust upon women in society today. I am sick and tired of wives diminishing their own worth by bowing to societal expectations (i.e. they must either get super-skinny or else forever loathe their bodies). It’s ridiculous and has no place in Christian living.
If you want to change your body shape, then go for it. But do it for yourself, with respect for your body being a temple for the Holy Spirit, and ask for the encouragement and support of your husband. Don’t go looking for condemnation to be the motivation to get into shape. That never works.

I feel so much negativity from you that I hope you will avoid replying to this or any other thread that I start in the future.

 

[lovemyboys]

Thanks for the great response, GaryT! Six kids and a size 10? Your wife deserves a medal…

 

[whatevergirl]

*I wouldn’t listen to Dr Laura about everything either, she is good in some respects, not so much in others. I think though in this case, what she might have been implying is letting one’s self go, knowing you are now married, and that your spouse will just have to tolerate it. I have a hunch that is the implication she was making…and to that end, she is right. I have seen many people let themselves go, just not trying…but when they dated …they tried a lot. Now, that is a sad thing, to me. So now that I '‘have’'my husband, I don’t need to try to look attractive anymore to him? I think the happy medium here is that we are to take care of our bodies, because they are on loan from the Lord…but, we are not to grow vain in doing so. It’s natural to want to look attractive for our spouses…I think what Dr Laura was implying is that we shouldn’t take our spouses for granted…by letting ourselves go. We shouldn’t take that relationship for granted…that we ‘‘landed’’ the spouse, now we don’t have to try to look attractive anymore. I get what she’s saying, if that was her intent.

lovemyboys…do you personally want to lose weight, yourself, may I ask? Do you feel self conscience? Sometimes, when we feel a certain way, we think others are thinking the same things we are. Just wondering. *

 

[Randi]

-Judging by your size and height, you are obviously still in good shape.

This is kind of you, but numbers on a monitor does not give any indication of perceived attractiveness, and it is still going by societal standards.
I know I have responded quite forcefully on this thread, only I just cannot stand the thought of another woman/wife/mother beating herself up and imagining her husband has to fake attraction when she is a bit heavier. I will acknowledge that obesity can impact attractiveness as well as health, but for the average woman, we are quite capable of imagining ourselves to be obese when we are not, or imagining that we are gross and fat one day, and positively svelte the next day (depending on our cycle, salt intake, etc.).
Men are, on the whole, visual creatures, but this doesn’t mean women are blind! We need not be the most attractive creatures out there in the world in order to attract our husbands’ eye. There could be a hundred pretty girls a man sees every day but the one that should outshine them all is the one he chose. If he is having trouble finding her attractive, it is almost always his fault. And I am not insinuating that is the case with your husband. I am just speaking generally, so that you will let go of your worry about your husband’s true feelings. Go to him, cry on his shoulder about your struggles if you need to, but be honest with him and ask him to help you in this struggle. You should not have to bear the pain of doubting your attractiveness alone, you need the support of your husband.

 

[lovemyboys]

*I wouldn’t listen to Dr Laura about everything either, she is good in some respects, not so much in others. I think though in this case, what she might have been implying is letting one’s self go, knowing you are now married, and that your spouse will just have to tolerate it. I have a hunch that is the implication she was making…and to that end, she is right. I have seen many people let themselves go, just not trying…but when they dated …they tried a lot. Now, that is a sad thing, to me. So now that I '‘have’'my husband, I don’t need to try to look attractive anymore to him? I think the happy medium here is that we are to take care of our bodies, because they are on loan from the Lord…but, we are not to grow vain in doing so. It’s natural to want to look attractive for our spouses…I think what Dr Laura was implying is that we shouldn’t take our spouses for granted…by letting ourselves go. We shouldn’t take that relationship for granted…that we ‘‘landed’’ the spouse, now we don’t have to try to look attractive anymore. I get what she’s saying, if that was her intent.

lovemyboys…do you personally want to lose weight, yourself, may I ask? Do you feel self conscience? Sometimes, when we feel a certain way, we think others are thinking the same things we are. Just wondering. *

I would definitely like to be in better shape. I have one pound to go until I’m “overweight” on the government’s bmi charts. It’s a daily struggle. I would also like more energy!

 

[Randi]

I feel so much negativity from you that I hope you will avoid replying to this or any other thread that I start in the future.

I just saw this request, after I had already responded before. I am sorry that you perceived me to be negative toward you; my anger is that I felt someone had made you feel bad about yourself. I was angry that someone could make a fellow Christian wife/mother feel inadequate based upon some soundbyte. I wasn’t angry at you, or feeling negative toward you. I just wanted you to pause for a moment, look at the negative message Dr. Laura was communicating, and see it for the lie it really was. I am so sorry you perceive me as being negative toward you. I hope you will forgive me for hurting your feelings. And from this point on, I will, of course, respect your wishes to not reply to your threads, in the future. But if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, then I think battling together against such issues as societal expectations that contradict reality would benefit the both of us. I will not respond again unless specifically invited back.
Again, I am very sorry for how I came across. It was not my intention.:imsorry:

 

[lovemyboys]

This is kind of you, but numbers on a monitor does not give any indication of perceived attractiveness, and it is still going by societal standards.
I know I have responded quite forcefully on this thread, only I just cannot stand the thought of another woman/wife/mother beating herself up and imagining her husband has to fake attraction when she is a bit heavier. I will acknowledge that obesity can impact attractiveness as well as health, but for the average woman, we are quite capable of imagining ourselves to be obese when we are not, or imagining that we are gross and fat one day, and positively svelte the next day (depending on our cycle, salt intake, etc.).
Men are, on the whole, visual creatures, but this doesn’t mean women are blind! We need not be the most attractive creatures out there in the world in order to attract our husbands’ eye. There could be a hundred pretty girls a man sees every day but the one that should outshine them all is the one he chose. If he is having trouble finding her attractive, it is almost always his fault. And I am not insinuating that is the case with your husband. I am just speaking generally, so that you will let go of your worry about your husband’s true feelings. Go to him, cry on his shoulder about your struggles if you need to, but be honest with him and ask him to help you in this struggle. You should not have to bear the pain of doubting your attractiveness alone, you need the support of your husband.

I’m sorry I commented (even if it was a positive comment) on your height and weight.

Did I say that I doubted my attractiveness to my husband? I was asking questions in general terms. It would be nice if people wouldn’t put words in other people’s mouths (or posts).

 

[garyr]

According to DH, men are visual creatures. . . .

Yes, perhaps they are ‘born’ with that trait, but they are ‘called’ to grow past that “. . If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out . . .”

We are all called to grow and mature past our inherent weaknesses, and , with the help and Grace of God, it is doable. Not only doable, but for our benefit and happiness.

-G

 

[Lutheranteach]

There is a certain aspect to such things that are disappointing. For the women who are reading this: when you gain a lot of weight after marriage what it says, whether you mean it to or not, is that “I got you. I don’t have to try anymore.” How many wives spend more time putting on makeup and getting themselves together for work than they do any kind of date night or special event with their husbands. That says the same thing. The other thing we’ll think is “What did I do to make my wife think I’m so unimportant?” And it works both ways. Guys. If you are burping and farting and scratching wherever it itches in front of you spouse. You are disrespecting her. Such things scream that she is not worth you best behavior.And if she isn’t, who is?

 

[whatevergirl]

I would definitely like to be in better shape. I have one pound to go until I’m “overweight” on the government’s bmi charts. It’s a daily struggle. I would also like more energy!

*I see…I remember gaining weight (about 50 lbs) pregnant with my son. I was a size 4/6 pretty much all of my life…then, I gained 50 lbs. It was very strange to me. It made me feel very self conscience, I managed to lose that quickly, I was also 25…so, that helped. I only gained 22 lbs with our daughter…and that came off easily as well. Once I hit 35 …it’s like someone put an anchor on my metabolism. I was used to eating whatever, whenever…with little exercise. And would stay nice and trim…now, it’s called work. lol My dh was an athlete in high school and college, he went throught he same shell shock as he aged. But, as a family, we have made it something fun. I can honestly say I like working out now, and when you do it …and make it a lifestyle, it really does become fun. (and when it doesn’t become a diet/weight loss kind of thing, if that makes sense) It becomes something more than fitting into that red, black, or whatever dress, it becomes about seeing your kids grow up…wanting to be healthy for your husband and kids…wanting to please God by growing in the virtue of temperance. It isn’t easy…I know. You can do it though…

What does your husband do for fitness? *

 

[Lutheranteach]

Yes, perhaps they are ‘born’ with that trait, but they are ‘called’ to grow past that “. . If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out . . .”

We are all called to grow and mature past our inherent weaknesses, and , with the help and Grace of God, it is doable. Not only doable, but for our benefit and happiness.

-G

Maybe God doesn’t see it as a weakness. Maybe he built that in for a good reason.