Husband's Past

[styrgwillidar]

Charity means to treat someone as Christ would. To them it is a huge deal. You deal with a person where they’re at and then take it from there. There are times when a person doesn’t need to have a person to “stand up in front of them”, but to stand up beside them.

God Bless!

Well, given the issue is that the OP is viewing something as a big deal that shouldn’t be-- how do you get her to see that?

All stress is self-imposed. There are situations that wouldn’t phase you in the slightest that would give me incredible anxiety/stress or worry. And vice versa. What if I really am making a big deal about something I shouldn’t? It’s not really helpful to just tell me I have every right to feel that way, and empathize and tell me how sorry you are about my situation. It is far more Christian and helpful, IMHO, to point out what you truly believe about the situation.

The folks have valid points about the OP being a rational human being who made a deliberate choice, that this is in the past, that she can’t live there or change it.

To the OP, sorry you are making such a big deal out of this. I don’t know what to tell you to get over it, but you need to. My spouse had been with other people and it just was never an issue to me. Guess I just really loved who she was and figured the mistakes she’d made along the way had been part of what made her who she was. Those experiences were all part of forming her into who she was.

 

[FrenzyJen]

I have found myself in a similar position at times. My husband was a “virgin” when we married, but he had been sexually involved with another girl previously (shy of intercourse).

It haunted me a lot for a while.

The only advice I can give you is to put it out of your mind. When you start thinking about it, MAKE yourself think of something else. When I feel it coming on, I start making a grocery list, I start singing a song, I start counting the tiles on the ceiling. It is out of your life now, and no good can come from dwelling on it. I recommend just refusing to let yourself think about it.

That said, if you haven’t already, you need to tell you husband how you feel. Show him your post if that’s easier; sometimes it’s easier to articulate exactly what you’re thinking that way.

God bless you and good luck on this healing journey. It does get easier.

Also, I’m sorry that other posters have been less than sympathetic. It is probably a hard thing to understand unless you find yourself in the same position.

 

[maryjk]

Charity means to treat someone as Christ would. To them it is a huge deal. You deal with a person where they’re at and then take it from there. **There are times when a person doesn’t need to have a person to “stand up in front of them”, but to stand up beside them.
**
God Bless!

This seems to be a good way to NEVER move forward.

This isn’t something with which her husband blindsided her. This is something she knew about BEFORE she said “I do.”

Well, given the issue is that the OP is viewing something as a big deal that shouldn’t be-- how do you get her to see that?

Exactly.

I was very upset when my Mother died. That is a normal feeling. It IS a big deal.

If her husband had cheated on her, THAT is a big deal.

Something he did, and she knew about it but married him anyway? Sorry, but that isn’t a big deal.

All stress is self-imposed. There are situations that wouldn’t phase you in the slightest that would give me incredible anxiety/stress or worry. And vice versa. What if I really am making a big deal about something I shouldn’t? It’s not really helpful to just tell me I have every right to feel that way, and empathize and tell me how sorry you are about my situation. It is far more Christian and helpful, IMHO, to point out what you truly believe about the situation.

I agree.

The OP needs to realize that her husband hasn’t changed. SHE has.

To think that this is the worst feeling she will ever have? I know she was exaggerating, but there shouldn’t be any problem with calling her on it.

 

[Kelfa28]

Neither my husband nor I were virgins when we got married. We actually converted to Catholicism together and attended RCIA during our engagement.

However, he was engaged to another girl before me. That haunted me during our relationship…I thought that he might leave me and go back to her, especially if the two of us had a fight. It was irrational thinking on my part.

It ceased to become even a thought…not when we got engaged but when we started taking our faith seriously, going to Church together and going to pre-cana. I realized that when he talked about self-sacrifice…he was referring to me and only me. No other girl he had dated or “been with” and certainly not his ex-fiance.

Your husband made a self-sacrificing vow to you and that is huge! He sacrificed a physical relationship with you and decided to stay chaste for you. He could have left you for someone else who wasn’t willing to wait until marriage.

That says so much about a man. A man who is willing to give up his past in order to have a future.
He is a good husband. I think this is something you need to remember.

Talk to a priest and, more importantly, talk to your husband. He can reassure you that he made a vow to you and that the past is the past.

 

[Evania]

Well, given the issue is that the OP is viewing something as a big deal that shouldn’t be-- how do you get her to see that?

All stress is self-imposed. There are situations that wouldn’t phase you in the slightest that would give me incredible anxiety/stress or worry. And vice versa. What if I really am making a big deal about something I shouldn’t? It’s not really helpful to just tell me I have every right to feel that way, and empathize and tell me how sorry you are about my situation. It is far more Christian and helpful, IMHO, to point out what you truly believe about the situation.

The folks have valid points about the OP being a rational human being who made a deliberate choice, that this is in the past, that she can’t live there or change it.

To the OP, sorry you are making such a big deal out of this. I don’t know what to tell you to get over it, but you need to. My spouse had been with other people and it just was never an issue to me. Guess I just really loved who she was and figured the mistakes she’d made along the way had been part of what made her who she was. Those experiences were all part of forming her into who she was.

In answer to your question:

Like it or not, this sin has wounded her and this is how she feels. Sin tends to have that effect on the individual, on those around them and society as a whole. The key is helping this individual arrive at the realization that she needs to forgive her husband’s past and move past her feelings, because in the end we are all sinners.

If one is concerned about helping her see how in the larger scheme of things this isn’t a huge deal, the best approach might probably be true compassion vs. kicking one while they’re down and calling it another form of Christian charity.
That approach might work if done by someone who honestly cares about you in real life, but when done by anonymous people on the Internet, it reeks of bullying.
I’m not accusing any one person on here of bullying. I just think there are those who get online, say they “care” and yet say things in a less than caring way and then log off and not give it a second thought. In the meantime, that person is still hurting. I like to come to Catholic Answers versus any other online forum because I feel that if I have an issue, that the good readers on here can give me guidance. Some people have few other people they can turn too, so it takes a sort of vulnerability to put a sensitive issue that you may be wrestling with out there. I have found in my own life and others have said the same, a kind response elicits a change more than a harsh “get over it” response.
Sorry so lengthy. Have a wonderful day!

God Bless!

 

[Evania]

“This seems to be a good way to NEVER move forward.”

Really, how so?

In all the passages in where Jesus dealt with others who were struggling, I haven’t seen an incidence where he dealt with them harshly.

 

[Joe_5859]

Let’s try not to hijack the thread. If you feel your best advice is “It’s no big deal. Suck it up!”, then post that and kindly move on to allow for those who wish to offer the OP more constructive advice.

 

[LongingSoul]

I got married 4 months ago. I was a virgin and my husband slept with a few people before meeting me, two being ex-girlfriends. Before we married it wasn’t a big deal but since we engage in marital intimacy now I find myself thinking about it often. I wonder, has he used this position before, does he think of his exes when we have sex, did it feel the same to him with his exes, etc. Before we married my husband went into detail about his past and I think about it way too much. I often find myself depressed knowing I wasn’t his first and he shared such intimate moments with other women.

Please if you are single, whether or not you are a virgin, please save yourself for your future spouse from this moment onwards (whether that be God or marriage). I think the worst feeling in the world is knowing your spouse has been with other people. Please pray for me!

I completely know what you are experiencing and I understand also why this has arisen after your first experience of sex with your husband. I also valued and guarded my virginity until marriage, wanting to give myself fully to my husband in that way. The realisation that that gift cant be returned to you on the first comsummations is valid and real. However, you must allow him the chance to heal this deficiency of his making over the course of your marriage. If you allow resentment to grow, he’ll never get that chance, to the detriment of your marriage and life. With time, the very real wound in your marriage will heal completely. Especially when you experience yourself as ‘chosen’ by him for a lifetime. When you’ve been together for a long time.

The bottom line is that this situation is a real wound in the marriage but that in time it will heal completely unless you entomb it with resentment. Your sacrifice now will bear so much fruit over the course of your marriage.

 

[ShanaA1984]

If someone cannot handle their partners sexual past then they should not marry them. Bottom line. What is past is past and it needs to stay there. I’m sorry to be blunt but you did agree to marry him knowing that he had a past. Its time to suck it up and move on

 

[57thDimension]

If this is the worst thing you have to deal with, your life is truly charmed.

This isn’t really correct.

That mean that he must love you much more then those before.

This is not necessarily true.

Secondly I would like to congratulate you on keeping your virginity till marrage. Not many people can pull that off these days

According to the latest data, about 103,850 marriages last year (about 5%) were between two virgins. Approximately 34% of marriages last year were ones in which the wife had the husband as her only sexual partner (that includes cohabiting couples, etc).

there is no reason to believe that this will seriously affect your marriage at all

This is false. It most certainly can affect the marriage (even if she didn’t care or know about it).

The less you think about the past and the more you think in the present, the happier you will likely be.

“Ironic processing.”

Yes, there are worse things that can happen in life, but that doesn’t make the pain you are feeling magically go away.

Quite true. If you have one arm amputated, it would be kind of brusque for someone say: “Well, at least you didn’t lose both arms.” Relative and objective (perception of) pain is important to consider.

He is a good husband.

That is impossible to determine from this thread.

+Sebastian

 

[TeachCatechism]

While I am not a virgin (a fact that distresses me now)I do understand how the OP feels. It’s this feeling that her husband experienced something so special before while she did not. I have been through that myself when I have dated men who had been previously married, or had kids, had been engaged and even went on trips with exes. I have done none of these before and when I would date these guys would feel resentment that they had. The one thing I have experience before is living with a guy but when I dated men who never did this I didn’t mention it since it was almost 20 years ago.

I do wish I had waited for sex but at the age of 25 after a long sex history (and to some extent some sex addiction)I became celibate until marriage. I am now 42 and yes am waiting until marriage for sex because it is the right thing. I would like to find a man who is either inexperienced or at least has been celibate for years like me.

 

[Anglewannabe]

OP. As much as I feel for you, I don’t think the fact your husband was not a virgin is the real issue. I suspect there is something deeper you may not be aware of that is upsetting to you. Perhaps, your marriage is not like you though it would be and you need time to adjust to your new life. I am a virgin so take this for where it comes from. The though of a man being with another woman would upset me the second I find out about it. But if I managed to build a relationship with that guy and trust him, I don’t see how sleeping with him after he becomes my husband would all of a sudden upset me. The last thing on my mind would be the positions he previously did. Honestly, thinking of someone else’s positions is kind of making sex a cheap secular thing

 

[Lasting_faith]

Dear OP. I read, with sorrow and sadness, that so many of us are in a way accusing you and doubt what you feel.

As I did write, the past is past, and can not be anything else. As in the song, “You Can Not Unring A Bell” you can not change the past. What you can do is live today and make that in to a future. When times go on, you will start to have memories together with your husband, and that is your personal past. I also wrote that he did marry you, and that it mean that he love you more then anyone else. That is what is important. What you do today is your past tomorrow, and most likely a good memorie. I wish you a good and long life and many happy memories.

 

[on_the_hill]

You can’t change his past. You **can **change how it affects you.

Which is the advice for any situation. You can’t change how people act, but you can change how you react.

As for the rest of it, whether or not two non-virgins can have a happy, healthy, fulfilling marriage–there’s no way to come to any conclusions. A couple can’t say, “let’s lose our virginity, then get married. Then, let’s not lose our virginity, get married again and compare the two marriages.”

 

[The_Bucket]

I completely know what you are experiencing and I understand also why this has arisen after your first experience of sex with your husband. I also valued and guarded my virginity until marriage, wanting to give myself fully to my husband in that way. The realisation that that gift cant be returned to you on the first comsummations is valid and real. However, you must allow him the chance to heal this deficiency of his making over the course of your marriage. If you allow resentment to grow, he’ll never get that chance, to the detriment of your marriage and life. With time, the very real wound in your marriage will heal completely. Especially when you experience yourself as ‘chosen’ by him for a lifetime. When you’ve been together for a long time.

The bottom line is that this situation is a real wound in the marriage but that in time it will heal completely unless you entomb it with resentment. Your sacrifice now will bear so much fruit over the course of your marriage.

His deficiency? I’m sorry, but I can’t get on board with that. He did not wound the marriage. And I mean that with all sincerity. His actions took place before she met him; certainly before she married him. He did nothing wrong to her. His sin was with someone else and, provided that it is confessed, it’s been wiped away. It’s gone. He committed no evil against his wife.

We’re all sinners. We’re all broken people. We all bring baggage into relationships. Why is his sin, which was not a sin of betrayal against her, worse than any of the sins she may have committed?

OP, your husband has practiced chastity with you and that is a great gift. It is an exercise of great virtue on his part and your part. He fell before he met you and has, presumably, repented for it. It is your responsibility to let it go. Not to “suck it up” or bury it… but to let it go. The offense is in your mind and I daresay it’s likely the Enemy trying to find ways to undermine what is otherwise a solid union. He would love nothing better than to have doubts, anxiety and mistrust breed between you and your husband. It’s what he does. That’s why he is the Enemy!

There are plenty of people who are virgins before marriage but bring sin of one nature or another into their relationships. It cannot be helped because we are all broken. I was a virgin on my wedding night… but I also had plenty of “experience” with pornography. Is that better or worse? I would argue that it’s worse.

Your husband is a good man and the fears, anxieties and doubts you are having are not borne from any real offense, but by Satan trying to attack and undermine your marriage. Be on guard against him and ask the Lord to relieve you of your anxiousness. Stick closer to Him, to your husband and to the Church community. You can weather this storm.

 

[LongingSoul]

His deficiency? I’m sorry, but I can’t get on board with that. He did not wound the marriage. And I mean that with all sincerity. His actions took place before she met him; certainly before she married him. He did nothing wrong to her. His sin was with someone else and, provided that it is confessed, it’s been wiped away. It’s gone. He committed no evil against his wife.

We’re all sinners. We’re all broken people. We all bring baggage into relationships. Why is his sin, which was not a sin of betrayal against her, worse than any of the sins she may have committed?

When you are committed to saving yourself for marriage, you are essentially paying the greatest respect to your future spouse through that commitment. All premarital unchastity affects your future marriage… that’s the whole point of making the commitment and effort to guard the virginity. For a simple example, its like respecting the sanitariness of your toothbrush so that cleaning your teeth doesn’t actually undermine the bodily health. You wouldn’t use your toothbrush to clean your shoes or clean the toilet simply because it could actually do those jobs. It’s a dedicated instrument guarded from misuse for the overall health of your body and you wouldn’t say ‘well cleaning the toilet with this this morning has no affect on me cleaning my teeth with it now’.

The Church teaches chastity and pre-marital virginity for very important reasons. Marriage is an expression of the wholeness that heaven promises us. With our bodies in this act of procreative unity, sanctified by marriage, we bring about a temporal ‘home’ in the image of the Home we long to be in eventually. Acts of union not dedicated to marriage and family, undermine the integrity of eventual marriage and has to be healed with time and love and sacrifice and penance… just like all the effects of our sins in life.

 

[EasterJoy]

His deficiency? I’m sorry, but I can’t get on board with that. He did not wound the marriage. And I mean that with all sincerity. His actions took place before she met him; certainly before she married him. He did nothing wrong to her. His sin was with someone else and, provided that it is confessed, it’s been wiped away. It’s gone. He committed no evil against his wife.

We’re all sinners. We’re all broken people. We all bring baggage into relationships. Why is his sin, which was not a sin of betrayal against her, worse than any of the sins she may have committed?

OP, your husband has practiced chastity with you and that is a great gift. It is an exercise of great virtue on his part and your part. He fell before he met you and has, presumably, repented for it. It is your responsibility to let it go. Not to “suck it up” or bury it… but to let it go. The offense is in your mind and I daresay it’s likely the Enemy trying to find ways to undermine what is otherwise a solid union. He would love nothing better than to have doubts, anxiety and mistrust breed between you and your husband. It’s what he does. That’s why he is the Enemy!

There are plenty of people who are virgins before marriage but bring sin of one nature or another into their relationships. It cannot be helped because we are all broken. I was a virgin on my wedding night… but I also had plenty of “experience” with pornography. Is that better or worse? I would argue that it’s worse.

Your husband is a good man and the fears, anxieties and doubts you are having are not borne from any real offense, but by Satan trying to attack and undermine your marriage. Be on guard against him and ask the Lord to relieve you of your anxiousness. Stick closer to Him, to your husband and to the Church community. You can weather this storm.

No one ever said that the sins in his past have had a worse temporal effect on their marriage than hers have. What if one of her sins was laziness, by which she failed to prepare herself for the demands of running a household? Sure, she could confess that, but in the meantime her husband is the only one who knows how to do some of the vital things that they need to do to keep their home together. That’s a temporal effect on him. All that has been said is that his past sins have had an adverse temporal effect on their marriage, just as surely as if he had student loans to pay off, had squandered years of paid work without saving anything financial for marriage, had a DUII on his record, had made himself a paraplegic by reckless driving, or had not succeeded in forging an adult relationship with his parents. She would do well to learn how to forgive the offense, but it is by no means in her mind only. When we repent and are absolved, our sins still have temporal effects, some which can be addressed as time goes on and some things which cannot be undone, and this situation is one example.

Still, yes, I will agree that as married people we take the good with the bad, both the riches and the deficits that our spouse brings to our marriage. Provided that he disclosed this deficit before marriage when she asked, she signed on for it. It is part of their joint work to get past it.

 

[The_Bucket]

When you are committed to saving yourself for marriage, you are essentially paying the greatest respect to your future spouse through that commitment. All premarital unchastity affects your future marriage… that’s the whole point of making the commitment and effort to guard the virginity. For a simple example, its like respecting the sanitariness of your toothbrush so that cleaning your teeth doesn’t actually undermine the bodily health. You wouldn’t use your toothbrush to clean your shoes or clean the toilet simply because it could actually do those jobs. It’s a dedicated instrument guarded from misuse for the overall health of your body and you wouldn’t say ‘well cleaning the toilet with this this morning has no affect on me cleaning my teeth with it now’.

To be sure there are temporal consequences of sin… but I don’t really see it here. Except that the consequence is that the OP has conjured up anxieties that would not exist had he not committed those sins. Your analogy does not really work because of the confessional. Once you confess those sins they are well and truly wiped clean. The fact that the OP’s husband practiced chastity with her is proof-positive that not only are the spiritual effects wiped out but he has his heart, mind, spirit and body properly aligned. That’s no small feat! Who among us has not been guilty of some kind of sexual sin?

EasterJoy:

All that has been said is that his past sins have had an adverse temporal effect on their marriage, just as surely as if he had student loans to pay off, had squandered years of paid work without saving anything financial for marriage, had a DUII on his record, had made himself a paraplegic by reckless driving, or had not succeeded in forging an adult relationship with his parents. She would do well to learn how to forgive the offense, but it is by no means in her mind only. When we repent and are absolved, our sins still have temporal effects, some which can be addressed as time goes on and some things which cannot be undone, and this situation is one example

The temporal effects you cite are not present in this situation though. The temporal effects of unchastity could be: sexual addiction, disease, pregnancy, dependency issues, etc. I don’t see that present here. Unless there’s more to it, all I see is a woman conjuring up reasons to be worried. And yes, if he had not committed those sins in the past then most likely she’d not be concerned in this regard. But look, there’s nothing to forgive on her end. There really isn’t! He didn’t sin against her. He sinned against God and caused another person to fall into sin. He did not sin against his wife because they were not in a relationship. For all I know, they didn’t even know each other at the time. Why should she have to forgive him for anything? She should instead acknowledge that God has forgiven him, that he did nothing to betray her and that he has been a good man to her.

I’m not saying that it’s easy. The mind plays with us and Satan loves to twist our own thoughts to the point where we’re freaking out. I assure you I’ve been there. I’m saying that the OP’s husband committed no offense towards her and so there’s no trust to be regained, no healing between them needed. If she needs to speak with someone about it, by all means go ahead. But this is not a situation where her husband has hurt her. This is a situation where, most likely, Satan is trying to use a past and forgiven sin to undermine what is likely an otherwise strong bond. I’m telling her that she mustn’t let him do that.

 

[on_the_hill]

You wouldn’t use your toothbrush to clean your shoes or clean the toilet simply because it could actually do those jobs. It’s a dedicated instrument guarded from misuse for the overall health of your body and you wouldn’t say ‘well cleaning the toilet with this this morning has no affect on me cleaning my teeth with it now’.

Seriously?

 

[EasterJoy]

To be sure there are temporal consequences of sin… but I don’t really see it here. Except that the consequence is that the OP has conjured up anxieties that would not exist had he not committed those sins. Your analogy does not really work because of the confessional. Once you confess those sins they are well and truly wiped clean. The fact that the OP’s husband practiced chastity with her is proof-positive that not only are the spiritual effects wiped out but he has his heart, mind, spirit and body properly aligned. That’s no small feat! Who among us has not been guilty of some kind of sexual sin?

The temporal effects you cite are not present in this situation though. The temporal effects of unchastity could be: sexual addiction, disease, pregnancy, dependency issues, etc. I don’t see that present here. Unless there’s more to it, all I see is a woman conjuring up reasons to be worried. And yes, if he had not committed those sins in the past then most likely she’d not be concerned in this regard. But look, there’s nothing to forgive on her end. There really isn’t! He didn’t sin against her. He sinned against God and caused another person to fall into sin. He did not sin against his wife because they were not in a relationship. For all I know, they didn’t even know each other at the time. Why should she have to forgive him for anything? She should instead acknowledge that God has forgiven him, that he did nothing to betray her and that he has been a good man to her.

I’m not saying that it’s easy. The mind plays with us and Satan loves to twist our own thoughts to the point where we’re freaking out. I assure you I’ve been there. I’m saying that the OP’s husband committed no offense towards her and so there’s no trust to be regained, no healing between them needed. If she needs to speak with someone about it, by all means go ahead. But this is not a situation where her husband has hurt her. This is a situation where, most likely, Satan is trying to use a past and forgiven sin to undermine what is likely an otherwise strong bond. I’m telling her that she mustn’t let him do that.

You aren’t really saying that as long as you don’t get an STD or get pregnant that sins against chastity have no temporal effects? Virginity is not just a nice thing for a Christian to bring to marriage; it is the norm. Not the average, if the statistics are true, but to know your spouse has never violated the marriage bed is the norm that can be fairly expected. He failed to bring what she had a right to have him bring to their marriage. That is an offense against her, even if she looked past it and decided to marry her anyway.