Husband's temper

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Carste said:
Lately, my husband has been having more and more violent …
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Divorce. Now. He’s being abusive and even with your mother?! What the f—. What vows? What marriage? Just get as far as you can from that monster. Period.
 
Don’t do it. Time for hubby to grow up.

Here is how you can both work to get out of debt: 1. Toss the credit cards…all of them. Make payments and pay an extra 10 - 20 on each of them every month. When one of them gets payed off toss it out for good…cancel it. 2. Both of you get a second job. Oh yes I said that. If you can only do that for 6 months each do it. Fast food joint will work for this. And no it is not beneath him or you to do this. Take every dime of that extra money and put it on the bills. 3. If you are in a one bedroom apartment move out and get a studio for less. 4. Don’t start a family yet.

And please don’t say you can’t work two jobs. My sister worked three, I have worked as many as three with plenty of overtime and three days in a row without sleep to do it. My grandfather worked as many as four when he was young and slept on the bus between jobs. So it can be done, it is not easy, but if you are serious about being dept free, get to it.

If hubby won’t agree to this, then you find a place to live other than your mothers and count your losses. Because his problems have more to do with money and you might just try to find out who she/he is. This ploy is not uncommon when someone is cheating. I have heard of it more than once. If he is not cheating, he needs to get a hold of that temper anyway and he should do that on his own.

Why doesn’t he move in with mom and dad?
 
I stayed with an abusive husband for nearly 20 years. I have no idea why, we also had no kids and unlike you, I had a good income of my own. The constant stress, the screaming (from him) and the violent outbursts when I didn’t react as he thought I should made each day miserable.

One day (after a terrible New Year) I walked out. I thought it would all be so complicated, but actually you find you get through the things you have to do, one at a time. I didn’t miss him at all, despite us having actually known each other for 27 years. Now I am married to someone wonderful who lights up my life every day. My only regret is all those lost years - I’m far too old to have children now.

Walking on egg-shells and having your self-esteem eroded bit by bit, day by day is no way to live. No-one deserves that and there are lots of men with financial worries who keep their loved ones close and cherish them. Make no excuses for him my dear, his faults are his to own and he is responsible for his behaviour.

Take some of the good advice on here and start thinking about yourself, first and foremost. Don’t waste the best years of your life. It’s a wonderful gift from God and you have a right to live it without fear.
 
Cricket2 said:
Don’t do it. Time for hubby to grow up.

Here is how you can both work to get out of debt: 1. Toss the credit cards…all of them. Make payments and pay an extra 10 - 20 on each of them every month. When one of them gets payed off toss it out for good…cancel it. 2. Both of you get a second job. Oh yes I said that. If you can only do that for 6 months each do it. Fast food joint will work for this. And no it is not beneath him or you to do this. Take every dime of that extra money and put it on the bills. 3. If you are in a one bedroom apartment move out and get a studio for less. 4. Don’t start a family yet.

And please don’t say you can’t work two jobs. My sister worked three, I have worked as many as three with plenty of overtime and three days in a row without sleep to do it. My grandfather worked as many as four when he was young and slept on the bus between jobs. So it can be done, it is not easy, but if you are serious about being dept free, get to it.

If hubby won’t agree to this, then you find a place to live other than your mothers and count your losses. Because his problems have more to do with money and you might just try to find out who she/he is. This ploy is not uncommon when someone is cheating. I have heard of it more than once. If he is not cheating, he needs to get a hold of that temper anyway and he should do that on his own.

Why doesn’t he move in with mom and dad?
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Did you actually read her OP? Getting out of debt is the* least *of her problems.
 
Thank you for your replies. It’s really helpful to have other people’s insight.

All this violence… well, he’s always had a temper, but this in particular… all started a few months ago when our respective parents began to date (they were both single at the time). He immensely dislikes my father (frequently talks of murdering him) and tried to convince his mother not to continue with the relationship, but she ignored him… and they fell out… and well, unfortunately for me, I am my father’s daughter… He’s told me out-right that he finds it hard to not associate me with my father… that I remind him of him… and he has to restrain himself sometimes. And he gets mad because I don’t join in with his rantings about my father (my father’s no angel, but I have to honor him, right?)

He’s decided he’s going to leave anyway-- move his work house as planned, but said he’d do his best to help me with money, my health appointments, etc. My mother-in-law has said I can stay with her for a few days (I think she feels guilty about setting him off-- apparently, he used to be a lot worse when he was younger…)

I really do not understand why he married me just to run off 11 months later. Maybe it’s for the best, though. I’m just sad and confused.
 
Carste said:
Thank you for your replies. It’s really helpful to have other people’s insight.

All this violence… well, he’s always had a temper, but this in particular… all started a few months ago when our respective parents began to date (they were both single at the time). He immensely dislikes my father (frequently talks of murdering him) and tried to convince his mother not to continue with the relationship, but she ignored him… and they fell out… and well, unfortunately for me, I am my father’s daughter… He’s told me out-right that he finds it hard to not associate me with my father… that I remind him of him… and he has to restrain himself sometimes. And he gets mad because I don’t join in with his rantings about my father (my father’s no angel, but I have to honor him, right?)

He’s decided he’s going to leave anyway-- move his work house as planned, but said he’d do his best to help me with money, my health appointments, etc. My mother-in-law has said I can stay with her for a few days (I think she feels guilty about setting him off-- apparently, he used to be a lot worse when he was younger…)

I really do not understand why he married me just to run off 11 months later. Maybe it’s for the best, though. I’m just sad and confused.
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. Calling what he is doing a “temper” is just plain wrong. He doesn’t have a temper. He is an abuser. Period. Lots of people have tempers, nasty ones, and do not abuse their family members or spouses.

Why are you making excuses for him? I can guarantee you that if this drama over both parents hadn’t happened it would have been something else “setting him off”. Men like him always find an excuse to blame for their abuse. And that is exactly what he is doing. He is making excuses for inexcusable behavior and you are letting him! Don’t! He cannot blame anyone or anything for his abusive behavior toward both you and his mother. He is responsible for his own actions.

He was worse when he was younger? He frequently talks of murdering your father in addition to threatening you, physically manhandling you, and outright assaulting his mother? Does any part of you think that kind of thing is even remotely ok?

What you describe is not a marriage. It’s just sick. This is not how a man treats his woman.

You don’t know why he married you just to dump you 11 months later? I have a few ideas. One of them is he only married you because due to your health issues and the fact that you had zero real world experience he knew you’d be the perfect victim. And you are. Stop being a victim. Get out before you end up in a body bag with a toe tag.

I was in an abusive marriage. I had 2 kids, 6 and 1 year old, when my ex husband literally knocked me down on the stairs before I realized he was there and proceeded to choke me until I saw grey and lost control of my bladder. If a neighbor hadn’t called the police I don’t know what would have happened. Please, trust me, and get out before it gets worse.
 
I’ve been married 25 years and I’ve never heard my husband swear.

You have heard your husband threatened to set you on fire and murder your father.
How did you numb yourself to this?

You seem to ask why this and why that. When you look at the reality, it doesn’t matter why.
Keep yourself safe.
 
MJJean said:
Why are you making excuses for him?
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For as many different types of people in the world, there are that many different ways of responding to conflict, trauma, and abuse. Some people go into their shell and suppress trauma. Some people blame themselves for getting into that situation in the first place. Some people get angry and lash out at the world.

You hit rock bottom before you managed to get out from under a horrible situation. It’s that way for a lot of people in bad situations. Perhaps that’s what’s happening here with Carste.

Her first and foremost instinct was, “What can I do to make this situation better for everyone involved?” And I think we need to celebrate that instinct, even though in this particular situation there’s really nothing else to do except protect yourself and your loved ones. You’ve tried, and some people need to work on their own problems with themselves. Perhaps later in life, we’ll become a good Christian man who respects those who love him and care about his well-being. He’s not there now, so the best thing you can do is make way and let the cards fall as God intends.

I applaud your strength and courage, Carste. Not only in how you’ve handled the situation but in opening yourself up to talk about it. I admire that, and will pray for you and your family.
 
Carste said:
Lately, my husband has been having more and more violent outbursts and I don’t know what to do. He’s under a lot of stress at the moment because we’re not in a good way financially.

He’s decided that our best option is to give notice on the apartment we’re renting, and then he can move into a house-share his company own and I can go back to my mother’s place until we’ve “cleared our debts”. I wasn’t thrilled about the idea - I really do not get along with my mother and she lives in a tiny apartment - but I agreed to do it for a few months if it helped us out. We don’t have children, so it’d be just me.

After I agreed to it, he started adding to it with things like, “and if the arrangement works for us, we could live like that until we’ve saved X amount of money, etc, etc”. I did the maths, and realised to save X amount of money like he wants, we’d have to live like that for over 3 years.

We went to see my mother to talk to her about it, she wasn’t keen on me moving back in but she’d rather that than see me homeless. All through the course of the evening, my husband kept telling her things that weren’t true about me, and sticking his fingernail into my palm as he did so in an attempt to get me to go along with it.

The next morning, I got upset and started crying and told my husband that I’m not comfortable with the idea of living at my mother’s for 3+ years, and that I didn’t get married to move back home. My mother said to us if we were going to be apart for so long, she didn’t see us ever getting back together again…

He kept saying that we “need to do this for our future” and I kept saying “but I don’t want to!” Then he said, “well you can f*** off and I’ll divorce you then because I’ve done my best”.

Then, he flipped. He got this crazy look in his eye and before I knew it, he was shouting, punching the work-surface (we were in the kitchen) and then he picked up a cup and smashed it against the door. I tried to get out of the room, but he cornered me by the sink. He grabbed both my arms as I tried to get by, and forced me up against the sink. And then he got so close to me that his saliva was flying into my face while he shouted vile things at me.

This is maybe the 4th time in 6 months that he’s been like this. Previous occasions, he’s punched a hole in our bedroom wall, broke our wardrobe to pieces by kicking it, and there was one time he followed me down the street shouting things at me and shoving me in the back.

I don’t know what to do. Afterwards, he’s really apologetic, wants to hug, etc. He never actually says “sorry”; he just tells me I shouldn’t have made him angry.

I have health-problems and don’t work outside of the home, although I’ve offered to look for a job countless times, and everytime he’s said no. I thought it might be fun to go back to college and learn something new, but he said no to that as well.

His biggest thing is to tell me how “ungrateful” I am because he’s provided a home for me. I try to be a good wife: I make his breakfast, iron his shirts, pack his lunches. I try to keep our home clean and tidy, but I admit I sometimes struggle with that because in-between all our fights, I lose the motivation and I’ve been sick recently because the stress of this ontop of my illness has sent me spiraling down.

I do not know what to do. I don’t want to leave because I feel like that’s giving up. We had another argument last night, which continued into this morning. He called me all sorts of names and threatened to kill me (he’s always making… comments such as “I want to set you on fire”; “I want to punch you”; “I’ll kill you in your sleep”) but then he’s normal again and I sort of forget about it.

His mother keeps encouraging me to leave him (he’s physically knocked her to the ground on 3 occasions; last time, his brother had to pull him off her). She’s not spoken to him in 3 months and she says she’s worried for my safety, but for some reason I can’t seem to pull myself away because I don’t want my marriage to be over??

I just don’t understand why he’s doing this.I admit that I’m not the best, but he knew about my health-problems before we married. He turns one way, and then the next minute he’s “oh I love you and I always will and I will honor our marriage vows”.

He’s my first and only relationship. I need some outside (name removed by moderator)ut, please, because surely if I was a good wife he wouldn’t treat me like this, so that must mean I’m a bad wife…
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For your own sake, please put some distance between you and your husband. From what you describe, it sounds like he has serious anger management issues or could have a serious psychological condition requiring treatment and/or medication. The fact that he attempts to comfort you after his uncontrolled outburst reveals he recognizes he has wronged you. Because he does not apologize to you but tells you not to make him angry may mean he knows he’ll get angry again. Please please please move out and away from him until you can get spiritual and legal assistance.
My prayers are with you and all abused spouses in the world. God Bless you.😦
 
Carste said:
Thank you for your replies. It’s really helpful to have other people’s insight.

All this violence… well, he’s always had a temper, but this in particular… all started a few months ago when our respective parents began to date (they were both single at the time). He immensely dislikes my father (frequently talks of murdering him) and tried to convince his mother not to continue with the relationship, but she ignored him… and they fell out… and well, unfortunately for me, I am my father’s daughter… He’s told me out-right that he finds it hard to not associate me with my father… that I remind him of him… and he has to restrain himself sometimes. And he gets mad because I don’t join in with his rantings about my father (my father’s no angel, but I have to honor him, right?)

He’s decided he’s going to leave anyway-- move his work house as planned, but said he’d do his best to help me with money, my health appointments, etc. My mother-in-law has said I can stay with her for a few days (I think she feels guilty about setting him off-- apparently, he used to be a lot worse when he was younger…)

I really do not understand why he married me just to run off 11 months later. Maybe it’s for the best, though. I’m just sad and confused.
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Can you get counseling for yourself?

I’d encourage you to speak to a domestic violence counselor.

It doesn’t sound like you two can safely live in the same house.
 
I usually support marriage ‘til death do us part’ but because of his uncontrollable and violent outburst separating, for the time being, would be a wise move. Stay with your mom. She’s less dangerous at this time that he is. If either one of you or both are suffering of “health problems” mental ones then do seek counseling when things let up. Good luck and God speed. I’ll offer tomorrow’s day for you and the betterment of your situation.
 
He came home from work last night and was all lovey-dovey and romantic. He said that he wanted us to work on our marriage. I asked him if he felt what he’d done in the kitchen the other day was justifiable-- and he said that I gave him attitude (ie. disagreed with him) and if I put attitude in, then I get attitude out.

This morning, he told me that we’re “splitting up” because I “betrayed him” the other day when I, at request of his mother, removed bullets and keys to his gun-case from our apartment.

He rang soon after he got to work and he was all “I love you. I don’t want anyone else, etc” again. It’s a 20 minute drive between where we live and his place of work??

I don’t know. I know that reading everything I’ve written back and all your comments it should be glaringly obvious, but it’s amazing how desensitized one becomes.

Sometimes, he’s really nice though - you know, I wouldn’t have married him had I known he would go like this. He’s incredibly charming when he wants to be… but I suppose there were little things… like wanting me to stay by his side at all times in the store, wanting the “final say” on the kind of clothes I wore (and he always wanted me to wear immodest clothes…), etc. He also used to come out with crazy rants about “women”- not any woman in particular… just women in general… like, “most women are so [insert negative trait here]” And he enjoys look at pornography, even the violent stuff… where the woman is tied-up… and the guy is being sexually/physically violent towards her… and I never liked that he would watch that, but I didn’t find out he liked that sort until after we were married… and I thought that I’d be able to pray for him anyway…

He’s told me to leave him. During arguments, he’s said things like that “I would love nothing more to come home and find you’ve left me” but then on other occasions, he starts crying and says “I’ll end my life if you leave, etc.”

I know I sound incredibly naive (I am- or was, anyway) because I had a very, very sheltered upbringing and I’m autistic. I know it’s my fault in part because I have really poor concentration and I get tired very easily and I cannot keep on-top of everything in the house all at the same time. If I do something well, another thing suffers… and I do everything, even the finances.

I find myself making excuses for him all the time, like “he didn’t really mean that- he was just joking/angry”. Because he’s really nice… some of the time… and I don’t know. It’s really hard.

But I appreciate your comments and prayers and I am planning to leave here for a few days and talk to someone on a helpline. Thank you all for being so honest and open with me. 😊
 
Being autistic explains a lot… but the best thing you can do is move back with your Mum and be safe. I think you probably know that in your heart. Hope you do the right thing…

God bless.
 
Yes, being Autistic does explain a lot. Carste, please, I beg you go and speak to a mental health professional about everything you have told us here. If you aren’t ready to file for a divorce and a personal protection order yet it’s understandable. But please seek outside help openly and honestly.

Remember something. Just because we’re called to love and forgive does not mean we have to allow someone to treat us badly. It’s entirely possible to forgive and pray for someone without continuing to allow that person to be involved in our lives.
 
Please please please get away from this man. He is dangerous to you. You are not a bad wife and this is not your fault. You cannot blame his bad and violent behaviour on you being autistic. Please get away now before he hurts you
 
This guy has a gun in the house???!!! PLEASE go to your moms and don’t look back! This guy is unstable. Even the most violent men can be nice sometimes. Don’t let that confuse you.
 
Carste said:
He came home from work last night and was all lovey-dovey and romantic. He said that he wanted us to work on our marriage. I asked him if he felt what he’d done in the kitchen the other day was justifiable-- and he said that I gave him attitude (ie. disagreed with him) and if I put attitude in, then I get attitude out.

This morning, he told me that we’re “splitting up” because I “betrayed him” the other day when I, at request of his mother, removed bullets and keys to his gun-case from our apartment.

He rang soon after he got to work and he was all “I love you. I don’t want anyone else, etc” again. It’s a 20 minute drive between where we live and his place of work??

I don’t know. I know that reading everything I’ve written back and all your comments it should be glaringly obvious, but it’s amazing how desensitized one becomes.

Sometimes, he’s really nice though - you know, I wouldn’t have married him had I known he would go like this. He’s incredibly charming when he wants to be… but I suppose there were little things… like wanting me to stay by his side at all times in the store, wanting the “final say” on the kind of clothes I wore (and he always wanted me to wear immodest clothes…), etc. He also used to come out with crazy rants about “women”- not any woman in particular… just women in general… like, “most women are so [insert negative trait here]” And he enjoys look at pornography, even the violent stuff… where the woman is tied-up… and the guy is being sexually/physically violent towards her… and I never liked that he would watch that, but I didn’t find out he liked that sort until after we were married… and I thought that I’d be able to pray for him anyway…

He’s told me to leave him. During arguments, he’s said things like that “I would love nothing more to come home and find you’ve left me” but then on other occasions, he starts crying and says “I’ll end my life if you leave, etc.”

I know I sound incredibly naive (I am- or was, anyway) because I had a very, very sheltered upbringing and I’m autistic. I know it’s my fault in part because I have really poor concentration and I get tired very easily and I cannot keep on-top of everything in the house all at the same time. If I do something well, another thing suffers… and I do everything, even the finances.

I find myself making excuses for him all the time, like “he didn’t really mean that- he was just joking/angry”. Because he’s really nice… some of the time… and I don’t know. It’s really hard.

But I appreciate your comments and prayers and I am planning to leave here for a few days and talk to someone on a helpline. Thank you all for being so honest and open with me. 😊
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Good for you! Call that hotline! Get help.

Move in with mom
 
masondoggy said:
This guy has a gun in the house???!!! PLEASE go to your moms and don’t look back! This guy is unstable. Even the most violent men can be nice sometimes. Don’t let that confuse you.
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Yes, even Satan is nice sometimes.
 
When one has a disability, say, we sometimes feel we need to stay in abusive relationships, just “take” it.

I was in one abusive relationship for 5 years, and he would tell me that because I had this disability, nobody would love me. I believed him! So, I figured it’d be better to just accept mistreatment than be alone.

As to being nice, that can be part of the abuse cycle. There’s a movie, “Sleeping with the Enemy” with Julia Roberts which shows a little bit about how that works. One minute, he’d be abusive. Later, he’d feel badly, be apologetic. This is called the “wine and roses” phase, but it always goes back to the abuse. Never forget that.

It’s easy, as a wife, to want to forgive and forget, think he’s changed, but no. He hasn’t. It will happen again…and again and again.

Some women even end up in the hospital, or dead.

Anyway, what I have learned that it would be better for me, as hard it is, to live all alone than to live in a relationship where I’m going to be abused.

I’m alone, now.

I’ve also learned that this happened to me, in part, also because I allowed it to happen. I didn’t make him stop, leave him.

So, as much as I would like to blame him for all of it, it was also partly my responsibility for it for doing nothing to prevent it from happening again.

In a case like that, if you want it to stop, you have to leave, if you can.

During one time I spoke to a friend, she said she had talked to a Women’s Shelter, once. I heard a statistics that, on average, abused women try to leave NINE times before getting it to work…9 GOOD attempts, I mean.

Well, for one thing, the abuse partner tend to make it difficult to leave, isolate one from friends and family.

If you need to, besides your mother, there are shelters for women who are victims of domestic violence. It would be best to explore these options, now, before you are in an actual crisis so it’s in place, ready for when you need it.

Why not just try calling the hotline and talking to someone there?
 
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