This morning, he told me that we’re “splitting up” because I “betrayed him” the other day when I, at request of his mother, removed bullets and keys to his gun-case from our apartment.
Thank God his mother called you and asked you to remove the bullets and keys to his gun case! I’m sorry to say but I believe your husband may be bi-polar and, in a fit of rage, may use his gun. You’ve done well to protect yourself and your husband.
I don’t know. I know that reading everything I’ve written back and all your comments it should be glaringly obvious, but it’s amazing how desensitized one becomes.
We all know you know what to do. If you read your plea for help posted by another woman, you would probably be giving similar advise. It’s not about honoring your marriage vows because you are obviously trying your best. Now it’s time for your husband to start honoring HIS marriage vows and the best way to get him to start is to change the situation so he has to admit something’s wrong and it’s his positive action that’s needed to make it right. You cannot change him no matter what you do; you can only create the situation where he wants to change.:sad_yes:
Sometimes, he’s really nice though - you know, I wouldn’t have married him had I known he would go like this. He’s incredibly charming when he wants to be… but I suppose there were little things… like wanting me to stay by his side at all times in the store, wanting the “final say” on the kind of clothes I wore (and he always wanted me to wear immodest clothes…), etc. He also used to come out with crazy rants about “women”- not any woman in particular… just women in general… like, “most women are so [insert negative trait here]” And he enjoys look at pornography, even the violent stuff… where the woman is tied-up… and the guy is being sexually/physically violent towards her… and I never liked that he would watch that, but I didn’t find out he liked that sort until after we were married… and I thought that I’d be able to pray for him anyway…
People with life long disorders such as addiction to pornography can adapt and learn to conceal their disorders from others including their spouses, family members (like his mother), friends, and even employers. I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband watches porn at work and his boss and co-workers suspect him. I wouldn’t be surprised that his mother knows he watches/watched porn all his life and that’s why he literally strikes out at her. And now you know his addiction and personal shame of being a porn addict. This may be one of the reasons your husband wanted to have “final say” on what you wore/wear and why he would suggest you dress immoderately. It’s not only a means to control how the world perceives you (through his own perversion) but also a means to normalize, in his head, his warped negative view of women in general. The fact that he can force you to wear clothes you do not approve of added to his perceived ability to convince you of his lies (“I love you”) may just be his sociopathic justifications that he’s a “good man” and a “loving husband.” But, in fact, you know the truth and you know good and loving people don’t subject others to this abuse nor do they fool themselves that the evil they do is righteous.
I know I sound incredibly naive (I am- or was, anyway) because I had a very, very sheltered upbringing and I’m autistic. I know it’s my fault in part because I have really poor concentration and I get tired very easily and I cannot keep on-top of everything in the house all at the same time. If I do something well, another thing suffers… and I do everything, even the finances.
I find myself making excuses for him all the time, like “he didn’t really mean that- he was just joking/angry”. Because he’s really nice… some of the time… and I don’t know. It’s really hard.
But I appreciate your comments and prayers and I am planning to leave here for a few days and talk to someone on a helpline. Thank you all for being so honest and open with me.
