Husbandspeak: what does this mean?

[Jay2]

Anyway, my dh has been like a mountain when it comes to moving–he won’t budge. But, when I showed him that the house had dropped another 10,000, he said, “do you want to go see it?”

I was dumbfounded. I asked him hopefully, “Well, what would be the point in that?”

He shrugged and said, “None, I guess.”

What does that mean? Should I make an appointment to see it, or what?

Shouldn’t I be able to understand him after 16 years? sigh.

And you honestly think he understands you??

Catch 22 - and you got zinged. He’s off the hook. Remember the last time you asked “Does this outfit make me look fat?”

Possible reply choices for the husband, and results:
Yes = 3 months minimum in the doghouse
No = Yes it does, and why are you lying.
No reply or shoulder shrug = Yes it does, and why can’t you tell the truth.
We’re screwed no matter what we say… Don’t ask a veiled question if you don’t want an answer you don’t want to hear.

He asked you a direct question (in typical male fashion, expecting a yes/no answer) and you replied with a non-committal answer, based upon your assumptions from previous discussions.

Make an appointment to see the house.

 

[lizaanne]

I know. It sounds so wonderful. My dh likes to hunt, too. He could just step into the back yard.

Hmmm - Not sure about that on National Forest lands - you would want to check that out first before you buy if that is something you would consider as a selling point.

~Liza

 

[Renny]

a little off the subject…but one state park around here has annexed lots of homes b/c it was in the better interest of the whole-plus, I know you said it wouldn’t be a step down, but mobile homes do not appreciate as do stick & brick built homes. also, replacement insurance can be a problem…
i completely understand the more for our money kind of thinking but w/a mobile home, it isn’t always the case…speaking from experience, just my 2 cents…
good luck w/your home search & your husb’s willingness-

 

[lizaanne]

a little off the subject…but one state park around here has annexed lots of homes b/c it was in the better interest of the whole-plus, I know you said it wouldn’t be a step down, but mobile homes do not appreciate as do stick & brick built homes. also, replacement insurance can be a problem…
i completely understand the more for our money kind of thinking but w/a mobile home, it isn’t always the case…speaking from experience, just my 2 cents…
good luck w/your home search & your husb’s willingness-

I would never go from a home which appreciates in value to a trailer that depreciates the second you sign the paper work. For a first time buyer who has no other options, perhaps. But to throw away equity like that, in my opinion, is not a smart purchase decision.

~Liza

 

[leonie]

Would his commute be increased by 30-45 min per day? Or 30-45 minutes ONE way? Just wondering…either way it seems like a lot to me…sorry. You will be missing out on family time of about 4 hours per week, plus your husband will have to spend extra time on the “fixer upper”. But you already knew all this, and for some reason you want this house still. Praying for your family and that all works out for what God wishes for your lives. I agree to just ask your husband what he meant.

yeah, it would be 30-45 minutes each way–for a total of a hour to a hour and a half. He usually commutes 45 minutes to a hour each way every day anyway, depending on the job.

I asked him about the house again. And, he doesn’t want to move. Ever. So, I guess he wasn’t serious about looking at the house. I knew I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Sometimes, I feel very very trapped in my little run down house, adjacent to my inlaws who are generally kind even though I know that they don’t approve of me. We are talking about having another baby, and they give us a very hard time about having a big family. So, that also makes me want to escape. I guess my desire to get away spilled over on this thread.

BTW, it was a State forest and not a national forest. And, it was a stick built house, and not a mobile home. I think the price is so good because the market is very soft around here, and the house is a double that would have to be converted into a single. Plus, it’s a little in the boonies.

Thanks for all the counsel and well wishes. I’ll try to let it go. I really need to stop looking at realty sites.

 

[johntkd]

Exactly!!!

Now for the translation… What he said was,“Do you want to go see it?”, which translated to, “I know you have been wanting to see this house, and I know you would love to move into something a little nicer. So, I’ve been thinking we should go see it, afterall the extra commute will be worth seeing you happy.” You said, “Well, what would be the point in that?”, which translated to “I’m not interested anymore.”, thereby letting him off the hook.

BTW, He is now fully expecting you to make the appointment anyway, so hurry and make that call!!!

Well I would translate it differently, more like ok I am sick of being nagged at when I am watching the game, if you want to see it that bad make an appointment now please let me see the last inning of the game its all tied up lol

OK so its a bad translation…ever think he sees a bargain and thinks ok this could eventually set us up later in life
or maybe he is as sick of the house as you are but dont want you to know because he isnt in the mood to actually spend weeks,months etc house hunting

 

[Conciliar]

I was dumbfounded. I asked him hopefully, “Well, what would be the point in that?”

He shrugged and said, “None, I guess.”

What does that mean?

Leonie,

I’ve been speaking husband for 18 years now. Part of the beauty of the language is the fact that my wife can never really be sure what I’m saying. You see, that way, every good decision we ever make was my idea, she just didn’t understand where I was taking us.

That said, here you go.

TRANSLATION: “My curiosity is piqued. Don’t go getting your hopes up and turning up the heat on me. I’m still a mountain, but I might shift. Might.”

 

[leonie]

Leonie,

I’ve been speaking husband for 18 years now. Part of the beauty of the language is the fact that my wife can never really be sure what I’m saying. You see, that way, every good decision we ever make was my idea, she just didn’t understand where I was taking us.

That said, here you go.

TRANSLATION: “My curiosity is piqued. Don’t go getting your hopes up and turning up the heat on me. I’m still a mountain, but I might shift. Might.”

Errrrrrr…men

Thanks for the translation. Subsequent conversations have revealed your translation to be very accurate. sigh.

 

[TraditionalCath]

Okay, one thing I do that is probably not healthy, but that I find entertaining is do house searches on the internet. I’ve posted before that I’m not very happy with my house.

I’ve been watching a house for a year. It’s gone down in price from 129,000 to 99,900. It’s got over 3,000 sq feet and 6 bedrooms, 3 baths. It has no garage or basement, but it’s 2 1/2 acres adjacent to a state forest. It’s 45 minutes from our current location, so it would add time–30 min to 45 depending on where he is working that day-- on my dh’s commute. It’s a double that would have to be fixed up. But, I live in a fixer upper, so it wouldn’t be a step down for us. It is close to a very good retreat center and a big university, so there would be lots of resources for our homeschooling.

Anyway, my dh has been like a mountain when it comes to moving–he won’t budge. But, when I showed him that the house had dropped another 10,000, he said, “do you want to go see it?”

I was dumbfounded. I asked him hopefully, “Well, what would be the point in that?”

He shrugged and said, “None, I guess.”

What does that mean? Should I make an appointment to see it, or what?

Shouldn’t I be able to understand him after 16 years? sigh.

if he is asking you if you want to go see it, then go see it. sometimes hubby’s are really busy with work and they don’t have time to go out house shopping until the weekend or whatever their shifts allow. but hey, if he says to you, want to go see it? he means exactly that, do you want to go see it? there is no hidden meaning in there at all. none. simply say, remember the other day when you said to me, want to go see the house? well, i want to go see it so lets go. case close. take him up on his offer. go see it.

 

[Katie1723]

Guys will be guys. Resistance is futile.

Same as guys and directions. We just got back from a cross country vacation. He’d ask me which way to go. I’d tell him because I was the one with the laptop and gps. He’d go the way he’d want anyhow. Go figure.
Kathy

 

[puzzleannie]

it means I have not changed my mind but I am willing to go look at the property. who knows you might get lucky and he may see something that changes his mind. or not. it also means price is a driving factor for him. it also means he is probably the one who has factored in the cost of repairs, increased commuting costs and other costs into the actual price of the house, and may be also looking at other very realistic factors in the decision that may not be priorities with you.

according to my husband men never have a hidden meaning to anything they say, just as they never have any thought in their heads when you ask them “what are you thinking?”.

 

[TraditionalCath]

i must have a different kind of hubby and marriage then.why? because when i ask my husband something, like, honey, do you want to go see such and such? he says, let’s go! he grabs the car keys and away we go. if i ask him what he wants to do on the weekend he tells me, and we go and do it. if i ask him to do something i’d like to do, he does it. no questions asked. he doesn’t give me hidden meanings. he is quite frank about things. if he doesn’t want to do something, there is no hidden meaning in it. he tells you flat out that he cannot do it today, or right now, but let’s do it at another time. there is nothing hidden with him.

the same as me, if he asks me something, no means no and yes means yes. we are truly in tune with each other. there is no wife speak and no husband speak. we know each other extremely well. we do not beat around the bush trying to decipher what the other one means. its either yes, or no. there are no ifs. if he wants to do something we do it, if not, then not. same as for me.

so i must have an oddball marriage then. if the hubby says, lets go look at a house, either iam well enough to go or not. if not i state not. if iam well enough, we would go and do it no questions asked. no deciphering of the others words. its that simple. i don’t get the point as to why couples simply cannot be frank with each other. if the man does not want to buy a house at a particular time, then just be open about it. there is no need to try to have the wife decipher what he means. no is no.

if he is worried that he cannot afford it, or he just wants to stay put, then state so. there should be no need for deciphering in an answer. no means no, and stay put means stay put. couples need to discuss things better than they do. there should be no mysteries in a marriage. that confuses me.

this particular situation with the op is to simply do this, ask your hubby for a time to sit down and speak frankly and charitably with him. tell him why you would like to have that particular house, ask him to go over a budget with you, and talk about the commute to work and so on. its that simple. if he doesn’t want to make the time to talk to you about the house, then drop it for another time.
sometimes the man or the woman has to take the initiative to speak to the other spouse. communication that is honest and open and charitable goes along way to improving things. it also keeps the air clear as well.

 

[leonie]

That’s nice, TradCatholic. My husband is more obtuse. I think it comes from having a difficult mother. He has used passive aggressive technique with her his whole life and now I get it.

Boy, it’d be refreshing to not have to drag info and true opinions out of him. Sometimes, it makes me really tired. But, he’s worth it.

 

[leonie]

it means I have not changed my mind but I am willing to go look at the property. who knows you might get lucky and he may see something that changes his mind. or not. it also means price is a driving factor for him. it also means he is probably the one who has factored in the cost of repairs, increased commuting costs and other costs into the actual price of the house, and may be also looking at other very realistic factors in the decision that may not be priorities with you.

according to my husband men never have a hidden meaning to anything they say, just as they never have any thought in their heads when you ask them “what are you thinking?”.

Very reasonable, Annie. I think that I’m so desperate to move into a better situation, I was hoping that his offhand comment might mean a change of heart.

I’m probably not looking at the housing situation realistically. The truth is he is content where we are, and I am miserable. And, since, what he wants triumphs, I should stop pushing it.

Did that sound bitter? I guess I am, a little.

I better start praying more, so I can let this go.

No more housing threads for Leonie!!!

 

[CatholicSam]

Why not look for houses that would be closer to his work? You get away from the in-laws and have hubby around more

 

[SemperUbiSubUbi]

Speaking as a husband who says the same kinds of things in such situations, I would say he is not enthusiastic about the hassle of moving and the permanent increase in travel time. But you say you’re pretty miserable in your current home, and I don’t think it’s likely he’s oblivious or insensitive to that. I would say that if you had asked him if he wanted to move, he would have said he did not, as later experience seemed to bear out, but that he was willing to entertain the idea of moving if the move would give you greater happiness and peace of mind. Just because he may be the first priority in your household doesn’t mean he feels that your needs don’t enter into it. So when you responded as you did, if it were me, I would have been hurt and insulted by what I would interpret to be doubt in my sincerity.

 

[Sina]

Hahha I just saw this thread now but my husband is like you. He is OBESSED with looking at houses online. We definitely plan on moving in the next 2 years but the cost of houses have been creeping up too quickly lately so we are re-evaluating whether to stay where we are or move to another city.

Sometimes something comes online that he wants to see or I want to see and SOMETIMES we go and look. And sometimes the house is so perfect, we want to buy it but we don’t because we are too chicken, or aren’t ready yet and have to do some more renos on our own townhouse or whatever.

Maybe he is wanting YOU to make the big decision? Maybe he doesn’t want to move but if you take the first steps, he will go along? It’s a HUGE decision and he is probably scared to deal with it? I can only say “maybe this and maybe that” because only he really knows so you have to ask.

I personally think it is ok to be looking online. You are simply informing yourself on what is happening in the market and it makes you a better buyer should that day come!

 

[leonie]

. So when you responded as you did, if it were me, I would have been hurt and insulted by what I would interpret to be doubt in my sincerity.

Well, subsequent conversations have revealed he wasn’t sincere. But, I don’t think my tone was snotty. It was more hopeful.

 

[leonie]

Why not look for houses that would be closer to his work? You get away from the in-laws and have hubby around more

Not possible. He works all over. We are actually pretty central to the plants he works at consistently.

Big problem that I have to work with is that he refuses to live in a “neighborhood.” He grew up in the country. So, any houses that don’t have at least an acre, he won’t consider. So, to stay in our rather restrictive price range, we have to go way out.

But, I just need to reconcile myself to the fact that we aren’t going to move.

 

[leonie]

I personally think it is ok to be looking online. You are simply informing yourself on what is happening in the market and it makes you a better buyer should that day come!

Well, the big problem is that I find a house that I think I would love to live in. Then I go to the realtor’s site where the house is listed and see all the photos. Then I googleEarth it. Then I look up all the parishes close by. Then, I try to find a Catholic homeschool group in that area. Then, I look at the town’s website. So, by the time I show my dh, I’ve built up this big fantasy about moving. It’s really quite silly of me. But, I’ve always been a dreamer.