HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE temper

[silicasandra]

People look at from the parents side because we’ve all been there. It’s called life and experience.

Please don’t tell me that you are sitting nice & pretty on the couch, minding your own business and dad just for the heck of it, comes alongs and starts YELLING… YELLING… YELLING at you…!!!

For every action, there is a re-action.

You haven’t been specific about what he yells at you about.

Ehhh…it can happen (the yelling for no reason). I may not have parented a teenager yet (though I’ll get there in 13 years ), but I have grown up some since I was in this stage with my parents (though I’m not as grown up as some of the people on this forum, and perhaps remember a bit more clearly what it was like to be the kid in this situation…)

Lucky, here’s what I’ve learned as a woman, now 24, married, with a son of her own, with a younger brother and two younger sisters:

• My parents were sometimes right when they punished me. Maybe they shouldn’t have punished me the way that they did, maybe they shouldn’t have yelled, but sometimes, yes, I did something wrong and deserved to be disciplined for it.
• Sometimes, my parents were wrong. This occasional “being wrong” did not mean that everything they did parent-wise was wrong. They are adults with issues of their own from their own childhood and other experiences. Looking down at my baby boy and feeling what I feel, and knowing that they must have looked down at me the same way, went a long way in helping me forgive them for things that went wrong when I was much older.
• Sometimes, actions that they did that weren’t fair were actually to my benefit. Sometimes they weren’t.
• Sometimes, I pushed their buttons on purpose even though I swore at the time I didn’t.
• I got to move out at 17 for college and I learned that independent living, with calls home a few times a week, and visits on holidays (they lived across the country), was PERFECT to maintain a good relationship with them. You will not live with them forever. You may even find that you miss them once in a while (but a few days back at home might cure you of that! )

As far as temper goes, accepting my parents for who they are - adults with their own problems and issues, but who love me despite all that - helped more than anything. That may take a few years yet. In the meantime, maybe find someone at school once it starts back up who you can talk to who can give you good communication tips and coping techniques. I learned to count to ten when I wanted to backtalk. Then if I still wanted to say it, it went into my journal later (which had a lock.) It was a good outlet for me and if my parents ever saw it, they never said anything to me about it.

I also learned the art of “Dad/Mom, I need a minute. Can we please talk about this once I think about it a little more?” This usually worked on my mom (and we would either talk about it later or would forget about it if it was something stupid we were arguing about), sometimes with my dad unless he was in a fighting mood (I wonder who I got my temper from…) Then I would just take deep breaths while he yelled at me to remain calm, and then go cry/write about it/etc. afterwards. I was not always successful at this but when I was it helped a lot. I think it made my dad rethink some of his “tactics” for dealing with me, since they weren’t necessarily good techniques and sometimes he was just as guilty as I was when it came to lashing out. He has never come right out and said he was sorry for any of those things (too proud to do it, I think…but I’ve made my peace with that), but I’ve noticed a change in his behavior toward my siblings and he has mentioned to me offhand that “some things don’t upset me as much anymore.”

Time does heal a lot of wounds. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers. :hug1:

 

[Lucky10279]

I still need some ideas on how to control my anger besides the other issues.

 

[Rascalking]

I still need some ideas on how to control my anger besides the other issues.

With all due respect, I think we’ve given you ideas. You seem to want someone who is going to tell you that it’s okay to not control your temper or that it’s not your fault. It might very well not be your fault. That doesn’t mean you have the right to blow up and freak out.

 

[Lucky10279]

Ehhh…it can happen (the yelling for no reason). I may not have parented a teenager yet (though I’ll get there in 13 years ), but I have grown up some since I was in this stage with my parents (though I’m not as grown up as some of the people on this forum, and perhaps remember a bit more clearly what it was like to be the kid in this situation…)

Lucky, here’s what I’ve learned as a woman, now 24, married, with a son of her own, with a younger brother and two younger sisters:

• My parents were sometimes right when they punished me. Maybe they shouldn’t have punished me the way that they did, maybe they shouldn’t have yelled, but sometimes, yes, I did something wrong and deserved to be disciplined for it.
• Sometimes, my parents were wrong. This occasional “being wrong” did not mean that everything they did parent-wise was wrong. They are adults with issues of their own from their own childhood and other experiences. Looking down at my baby boy and feeling what I feel, and knowing that they must have looked down at me the same way, went a long way in helping me forgive them for things that went wrong when I was much older.
• Sometimes, actions that they did that weren’t fair were actually to my benefit. Sometimes they weren’t.
• Sometimes, I pushed their buttons on purpose even though I swore at the time I didn’t.
• I got to move out at 17 for college and I learned that independent living, with calls home a few times a week, and visits on holidays (they lived across the country), was PERFECT to maintain a good relationship with them. You will not live with them forever. You may even find that you miss them once in a while (but a few days back at home might cure you of that! )

As far as temper goes, accepting my parents for who they are - adults with their own problems and issues, but who love me despite all that - helped more than anything. That may take a few years yet. In the meantime, maybe find someone at school once it starts back up who you can talk to who can give you good communication tips and coping techniques. I learned to count to ten when I wanted to backtalk. Then if I still wanted to say it, it went into my journal later (which had a lock.) It was a good outlet for me and if my parents ever saw it, they never said anything to me about it.

I also learned the art of “Dad/Mom, I need a minute. Can we please talk about this once I think about it a little more?” This usually worked on my mom (and we would either talk about it later or would forget about it if it was something stupid we were arguing about), sometimes with my dad unless he was in a fighting mood (I wonder who I got my temper from…) Then I would just take deep breaths while he yelled at me to remain calm, and then go cry/write about it/etc. afterwards. I was not always successful at this but when I was it helped a lot. I think it made my dad rethink some of his “tactics” for dealing with me, since they weren’t necessarily good techniques and sometimes he was just as guilty as I was when it came to lashing out. He has never come right out and said he was sorry for any of those things (too proud to do it, I think…but I’ve made my peace with that), but I’ve noticed a change in his behavior toward my siblings and he has mentioned to me offhand that “some things don’t upset me as much anymore.”

Time does heal a lot of wounds. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers. :hug1:

FINALLY someone understands. (Tears in my eyes as I write this)
I never though of saying that. it might work. my dad has apologized for things, but
then he does them again. THANK YOU!

 

[Lucky10279]

With all due respect, I think we’ve given you ideas. You seem to want someone who is going to tell you that it’s okay to not control your temper or that it’s not your fault. It might very well not be your fault. That doesn’t mean you have the right to blow up and freak out.

No, I know that I need to control my temper wether I am right or not.

 

[jakasaki]

Also sometime he will get mad just because the room was a mess from my siblings and I didn’t pick up it up. And it’s not suposed to be one of my chores, and NO he had not just told me to pick it earlier. And it’s not like I have any authority over them to tell them not to make the mess. I’m sorry but they make messes CONSTANLY and I’m not gonna pick them up every time I see them without even being told to.

So why can’t you just do a nice thing for your mom/dad by picking up & cleaning up - even if it is NOT your mess.

What do you do… walk on the mess - ignore it as if it’s not there.

Why must an adult tell you to pick up.

Why can’t you sit with your little bro’s/sis and make a game out of cleaning up their toys/clothjes & put them away

Once again - you have no idea what’s in your parents head. You as a 14 year old should be able to help around in the house & also help with the little ones.

IMHO

 

[Lucky10279]

So why can’t you just do a nice thing for your mom/dad by picking up & cleaning up - even if it is NOT your mess.

What do you do… walk on the mess - ignore it as if it’s not there.

Why must an adult tell you to pick up.

Why can’t you sit with your little bro’s/sis and make a game out of cleaning up their toys/clothjes & put them away

Once again - you have no idea what’s in your parents head. You as a 14 year old should be able to help around in the house & also help with the little ones.

IMHO

My siblings would NOT go for that. They will NOT pick unless they are forced. So it’s up to us older ones. Because they do it constantly. Sometimes I do, but I can’t pick up every mess they make every day or I would not be doing anything else. And my siblings are PLENTY old enough to pick up their own mess at least sometimes.

 

[jakasaki]

My siblings would NOT go for that. They will NOT pick unless they are forced. So it’s up to us older ones. Because they do it constantly. Sometimes I do, but I can’t pick up every mess they make every day or I would not be doing anything else. And my siblings are PLENTY old enough to pick up their own mess at least sometimes.

Well, perhaps Lucky you should sit down with mom & dad and suggest that they issue chores to your siblings.

I wish you well my dear - it’s hard being 14 and it’s going to get harder.

Everytime you feel some anger kicking in, pray & breathe quitely.

I don’t live in your house to give you better advice, all I can say is that you have to try harder to control your temper.

And remember - someday you’ll be a parent.

 

[Lucky10279]

Well, perhaps Lucky you should sit down with mom & dad and suggest that they issue chores to your siblings.

I wish you well my dear - it’s hard being 14 and it’s going to get harder.

Everytime you feel some anger kicking in, pray & breathe quitely.

I don’t live in your house to give you better advice, all I can say is that you have to try harder to control your temper.

And remember - someday you’ll be a parent.

We tried chores but they still wouldn’t pick up unless we nag and nag and nag them to. Even when allowance or prizes were offered.

 

[Joan_M]

We tried chores but they still wouldn’t pick up unless we nag and nag and nag them to. Even when allowance or prizes were offered.

It sounds as if there were no consequences for them if they did not obey. As a parent I would not allow that to happen. I would not nag. I learned from my mother to ask a child to do something. If it is not done, I then tell them to do it (issue an order - I want that done now). If it is not done after that, there will be punishment.

If a child does not obey its parents most of the time by the time they are 3 years old, there will be a lot of difficulties ahead.

Lucky, you seem to be getting into trouble for, at least sometimes, for things that you are not responsible for. Still, you need to control your temper. That means exercising self-control. When you feel like answering back rudely, shut your mouth and put your teeth on your tongue. Breathe deeply and slowly. Count to 10 silently.

If you speak, do it quietly and politely. Do not argue. Do not shout. Just state your case and then keep quiet.

It will take practice. But, as a minor child, no matter how much you think you are in the right, your reaction is completely wrong. You are disrespecting your parents. If they see you behaving in a more mature way, they will start to change too.

Right now, your intemperate outbursts are causing them to see you as a part of the problem, not a part of the solution, and so, increasing the stress on them.

 

[Schieffelin]

Hi Lucky,

One thing to keep in mind is that the purpose of life is to become a saint That means being patient and kind even when others don’t deserve it or you don’t feel like doing it. I was exactly the same way as you at 14 and boy do I regret it now. My dad died unexpectedly when I was right out of college and I had many many many regrets about the way I treated him. The bad relationship with my parents actually affects my marriage now! Can you believe it? Turns out the whole “honoring your parents” thing is really there for a reason. Even as an adult I have to be very very careful not to go into “bad temper” mode because that’s the only way I ever learned to argue.

Here is one book that helped me, and I hope it will help you too:
The Promise by Philip Rosenbaum amazon.com/Promise-Philip-Rosenbaum/dp/0805461418

Basically it’s just going to take practice, and a decision that you want to be a good person even when you don’t think your parents deserve it. It’s always that split second before you lose your temper that you must take a breath and ask Jesus and Mary to help you. Also, if you have any adult friends like an aunt, uncle, or teacher you are close to, you may want to talk it out with them.

I know it’s very hard, but please know that it’s worth it. :hug1:

 

[Lucky10279]

Hi Lucky,

One thing to keep in mind is that the purpose of life is to become a saint That means being patient and kind even when others don’t deserve it or you don’t feel like doing it. I was exactly the same way as you at 14 and boy do I regret it now. My dad died unexpectedly when I was right out of college and I had many many many regrets about the way I treated him. The bad relationship with my parents actually affects my marriage now! Can you believe it? Turns out the whole “honoring your parents” thing is really there for a reason. Even as an adult I have to be very very careful not to go into “bad temper” mode because that’s the only way I ever learned to argue.

Here is one book that helped me, and I hope it will help you too:
The Promise by Philip Rosenbaum amazon.com/Promise-Philip-Rosenbaum/dp/0805461418

Basically it’s just going to take practice, and a decision that you want to be a good person even when you don’t think your parents deserve it. It’s always that split second before you lose your temper that you must take a breath and ask Jesus and Mary to help you. Also, if you have any adult friends like an aunt, uncle, or teacher you are close to, you may want to talk it out with them.

I know it’s very hard, but please know that it’s worth it. :hug1:

Thanks for the link. Maybe I’ll get it.

 

[Catholic90]

We tried chores but they still wouldn’t pick up unless we nag and nag and nag them to. Even when allowance or prizes were offered.

You don’t nag. You say, “We are going to pick up this room. Do you want to do it immediately or in 1 minute?” Then DO it. Make a game out of it. See who can get the most things picked up in 1 minute, in 5 minutes, etc. See who can pick up the biggest items, who can pick up the most red items, etc.

 

[Kindness]

I just want to say to Lucky, God Bless you! I am amazed at some of the posters here who were apparently always respectful to their parents, never disobeyed them and appreciated their point of view 100%. With respect I believe I can safely say that they have selective memory! Every generation throughout history has looked at the generations under them and said “kids these days! They have no respect for their elders!”.

I am not therefore saying it is acceptable to be yelling and getting furious constantly. However you have obviously lived around at least one parent who is a yeller and therefore has not been a model of self-control. I would look at adults around you and find someone of the same gender that you admire for how they handle stress and difficulties that come their way, make sure they are practicing Catholic. Ask if they will be your mentor and someone you can come and talk to for advice and guidance about this issue. Do you have a Catholic youth leader at your parish for example?

Lucky, I am the mom of a 10 year old, 8 year old and 5 year old. I find that if I yell at any of my kids (to my shame) it is very often my 8 year old. She is a wonderful girl with many fabulous qualities but she is much more likely to be defiant than the other two. Noone has mentioned that in families personalities are very different and some combinations of personalities seem to cause more conflict than others. My daughter has a very strong and courageous personality and so she needs firmer boundaries than the other two.What I mean is I expect the same behavior from them all but I have to spend more time clarifying where the boundaries are to my 8 year old. If I handle her well as a parent (with God’s help and guidance) I see great things in her future because she is so persistent.

Please remember that as parents we are learning our trade “on the job” there is no handbook or manual and so we all do the best we can. There will be times when parents are unreasonable or over react, just like other human beings. You are now truly entering the years where you are learning what it means to be an adult. Also part of being a teenager and a young adult is starting to analyse and see things differently from when you were a younger child. Your brain is growing and changing at this time along with your body. The hormones that cause the physical changes can flood your brain and make it harder to control your mood. Teenagers are famous for being moody but that is something that is a normal result of the huge changes you are going through.

I would buy a book or borrow one from the library, or read on the internet the latest research about brain development at your age and all the things that you are in the process of learning, such as how to regulate yourself and your mood. Do you have anyone you can talk to and confide in, such as a counselor? Having a neutral third party might help you manage yourself better.

It is true that the commandment tells us to respect our parents but it can be hard when emotions are taking over. What about if you guys have a bell/buzzer. If any of you feel you are losing control and need to cool off you can ring the bell and disappear into your room or outside for a walk to calm down.

I have to get my kids up for school. I will think about this some more. Keep praying and looking for ideas that could help. God bless!

 

[Kindness]

Here’s a good place to start, watch the videos as they’re fascinating

teenagebrain.blogspot.com/

 

[HerrZJA]

HOW do I control my temper?

I have some experience with this. I suffer from what’s called “rapid cycling” Bipolar Disorder. During my manic phase, I can experience anger similar to what some might call a blinding rage. It was a lot worse in my teen years than it is even now in my early 20s, but it’s not something that goes away.

I find the key to controlling one’s temper is a modification of the way we think about things. Instead of saying “I am angry”, ask yourself why you are angry. Ask yourself why this other person did the thing that made you angry. This is found, oddly, in the first words of the Rule of Saint Benedict as “Listen[ing] with the ear of your heart.” It helps a great deal.

For all those other times, there’s biting your tongue and walking away. Mention it next time you go to a doctor. They might refer you to a good therapist. If your bad temper is rooted in a disorder, medication can make it more manageable, but it’s not a cure.

Other than that, you might look into Cognitive Behavior Therapy. There’s a very good CBT for Dummies book which comes to my highly recommended by other people in my family with mood disorders.

I hope this helps. God bless you, Lucky. We’re all in this together.

 

[Lucky10279]

I just want to say to Lucky, God Bless you! I am amazed at some of the posters here who were apparently always respectful to their parents, never disobeyed them and appreciated their point of view 100%. With respect I believe I can safely say that they have selective memory! Every generation throughout history has looked at the generations under them and said “kids these days! They have no respect for their elders!”.

I am not therefore saying it is acceptable to be yelling and getting furious constantly. However you have obviously lived around at least one parent who is a yeller and therefore has not been a model of self-control. I would look at adults around you and find someone of the same gender that you admire for how they handle stress and difficulties that come their way, make sure they are practicing Catholic. Ask if they will be your mentor and someone you can come and talk to for advice and guidance about this issue. Do you have a Catholic youth leader at your parish for example?

Lucky, I am the mom of a 10 year old, 8 year old and 5 year old. I find that if I yell at any of my kids (to my shame) it is very often my 8 year old. She is a wonderful girl with many fabulous qualities but she is much more likely to be defiant than the other two. Noone has mentioned that in families personalities are very different and some combinations of personalities seem to cause more conflict than others. My daughter has a very strong and courageous personality and so she needs firmer boundaries than the other two.What I mean is I expect the same behavior from them all but I have to spend more time clarifying where the boundaries are to my 8 year old. If I handle her well as a parent (with God’s help and guidance) I see great things in her future because she is so persistent.

Please remember that as parents we are learning our trade “on the job” there is no handbook or manual and so we all do the best we can. There will be times when parents are unreasonable or over react, just like other human beings. You are now truly entering the years where you are learning what it means to be an adult. Also part of being a teenager and a young adult is starting to analyse and see things differently from when you were a younger child. Your brain is growing and changing at this time along with your body. The hormones that cause the physical changes can flood your brain and make it harder to control your mood. Teenagers are famous for being moody but that is something that is a normal result of the huge changes you are going through.

I would buy a book or borrow one from the library, or read on the internet the latest research about brain development at your age and all the things that you are in the process of learning, such as how to regulate yourself and your mood. Do you have anyone you can talk to and confide in, such as a counselor? Having a neutral third party might help you manage yourself better.

It is true that the commandment tells us to respect our parents but it can be hard when emotions are taking over. What about if you guys have a bell/buzzer. If any of you feel you are losing control and need to cool off you can ring the bell and disappear into your room or outside for a walk to calm down.

I have to get my kids up for school. I will think about this some more. Keep praying and looking for ideas that could help. God bless!

Thank you so much! Some of the other posters don’t get it, but you do. Thanks!