Hypercritical mother hurt me yet again

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redbetta

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I am 19 and a freshman in college on spring break. I have always worked hard in school and tried to be a good daughter, but, Mom has always berated me for a littlest or most common mistakes. She unleash a huge tirade of insults on me after I failed my first driving test even though few people get it on the first try. Now, I have been lookign around for places to volunteer.research because I am pre-med and need to start building a resume. I went to one hospice today and the volunteer coordinator told me about different positions and what they do. I filled out some paperwork and said that I am not entirely sure whether or not I will work here over the summer, but, I will give them the go ahead if I decide I will (they need to pay some agency to do background checks and they do not want to do that unless they are sure I am volunteering). Mom called about how it went and she called me an idiot for not saying for sure I want the volunteer position. I apologized and I said it is not like I was interviewing for a job and it was my first time. But, she kept going on that I am such an idiot and I have zero sense. I ended the call quickly and broke down in tears.

I called my dad, he said I was not being stupid and that he will talk to Mom about talking so abusively to me. I have fled to my dad after Mom’s abuse so many times and he has always promised to do something, but, Mom remains a witch as always. Which is sad because, at school, I miss her and we would always have nice conversations over the phone or when she and Dad visit. But, when I am back home, she always finds a way to tear me down. Now, I go to a respectible school, don’t party and get drunk, and made the Dean’s list my first quarter. And she still thinks I am stupid and senseless. I want to tell her that some people are not even fortunate to have kids that want to work or learn, they just live in their parent’s basements indefinitely playing video games all day.

I am still a wreck and the day is only half over. Her screams are still ringing in my head. I cannot get up and do what I have to do.
 
My jaw dropped as I read your post.

I simply cannot understand why any parent would be so cruel!

She is wrong. And her behavior is abusive.

I think the best thing is to realize you are not going to get the approval or affirmation you need from her, and try to forgive her so that you don’t become bitter or angry.

It sounds like you are a smart and motivated young adult. God bless you!
 
jmjZelie said:
My jaw dropped as I read your post.

I simply cannot understand why any parent would be so cruel!

She is wrong. And her behavior is abusive.

I think the best thing is to realize you are not going to get the approval or affirmation you need from her, and try to forgive her so that you don’t become bitter or angry.

It sounds like you are a smart and motivated young adult. God bless you!
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This was my reaction, too. You may just need to find your own place soon and not live with your mother.
 
redbetta said:
I am 19 and a freshman in college on spring break. I have always worked hard in school and tried to be a good daughter, but, Mom has always berated me for a littlest or most common mistakes. She unleash a huge tirade of insults on me after I failed my first driving test even though few people get it on the first try. Now, I have been lookign around for places to volunteer.research because I am pre-med and need to start building a resume. I went to one hospice today and the volunteer coordinator told me about different positions and what they do. I filled out some paperwork and said that I am not entirely sure whether or not I will work here over the summer, but, I will give them the go ahead if I decide I will (they need to pay some agency to do background checks and they do not want to do that unless they are sure I am volunteering). Mom called about how it went and she called me an idiot for not saying for sure I want the volunteer position. I apologized and I said it is not like I was interviewing for a job and it was my first time. But, she kept going on that I am such an idiot and I have zero sense. I ended the call quickly and broke down in tears.

I called my dad, he said I was not being stupid and that he will talk to Mom about talking so abusively to me. I have fled to my dad after Mom’s abuse so many times and he has always promised to do something, but, Mom remains a witch as always. Which is sad because, at school, I miss her and we would always have nice conversations over the phone or when she and Dad visit. But, when I am back home, she always finds a way to tear me down. Now, I go to a respectible school, don’t party and get drunk, and made the Dean’s list my first quarter. And she still thinks I am stupid and senseless. I want to tell her that some people are not even fortunate to have kids that want to work or learn, they just live in their parent’s basements indefinitely playing video games all day.

I am still a wreck and the day is only half over. Her screams are still ringing in my head. I cannot get up and do what I have to do.
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My sister’s husband was verbally abusive to her and to her children. One of his daughters found a way to deal with him and still love him. At 19, and if you don’t live with her, you may be able to try her system. She always went to visit him on her “way to somewhere else”. She never visited him without an escape plan. When she would go and see him, which she did because she felt that it was her duty, she would visit until the rot set in - then up she would jump up and say, “I got to go.” No explanation and no time for delay. She always had her car keys in her hand and moved to quickly for him to say anything.

If you live with her you may have to modify the system until you can live somewhere else.

Forgiving your mother is helpful to you. However, forgiving does not mean allowing your mother to treat you badly. Allowing your mother to hurt you is in some way enabling her bad behavior. Do not argue. Do not try to explain. Protect yourself by leaving the situation. As long as she is behaving herself, give her some attention. The second she begins to misbehave cut the conversation short.

Practice saying, “I got to go” until it is second nature then hung up or leave the situation.

Over the years this system has worked for my niece. I hope it can work for you.
 
May you and yours be filled with lovingkindness. May you and yours be well. May you and yours be peaceful and at ease. May you and yours be happy.
Some of us can walk into the most beautiful room in the world and find fault. I don't know why but that seems to be the way. My heart goes out to you and yours. It seems that your mother must suffer terribly to be so angry. Blessings to you and yours.
 
HelenRose said:
My sister’s husband was verbally abusive to her and to her children. One of his daughters found a way to deal with him and still love him. At 19, and if you don’t live with her, you may be able to try her system. She always went to visit him on her “way to somewhere else”. She never visited him without an escape plan. When she would go and see him, which she did because she felt that it was her duty, she would visit until the rot set in - then up she would jump up and say, “I got to go.” No explanation and no time for delay. She always had her car keys in her hand and moved to quickly for him to say anything.

If you live with her you may have to modify the system until you can live somewhere else.

Forgiving your mother is helpful to you. However, forgiving does not mean allowing your mother to treat you badly. Allowing your mother to hurt you is in some way enabling her bad behavior. Do not argue. Do not try to explain. Protect yourself by leaving the situation. As long as she is behaving herself, give her some attention. The second she begins to misbehave cut the conversation short.

Practice saying, “I got to go” until it is second nature then hung up or leave the situation.

Over the years this system has worked for my niece. I hope it can work for you.
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Beautiful advice.
 
Most colleges have a counseling center. Perhaps you could check on their services. They may be able to offer ideas for dealing with your mother in a more effective way.
 
puzzledtoo said:
May you and yours be filled with lovingkindness. May you and yours be well. May you and yours be peaceful and at ease. May you and yours be happy.
Code: 
 Some of us can walk into the most beautiful room in the world and find fault. I don't know why but that seems to be the way. My heart goes out to you and yours. It seems that your mother must suffer terribly to be so angry. Blessings to you and yours.
Click to expand...
I love this!

Dear One, it reminds me of a book written by Melissa Francis on Fox News. I’m not promoting anyone or anything. but the book was about a controlling mom and how she (Melissa was a child star) learned to deal with it. I haven’t read the book but it sounded a lot like your situation. Hope you can find some comfort and peace…

Hail Mary
Hail Mary
Hail Mary
 
HelenRose said:
My sister’s husband was verbally abusive to her and to her children. One of his daughters found a way to deal with him and still love him. At 19, and if you don’t live with her, you may be able to try her system. She always went to visit him on her “way to somewhere else”. She never visited him without an escape plan. When she would go and see him, which she did because she felt that it was her duty, she would visit until the rot set in - then up she would jump up and say, “I got to go.” No explanation and no time for delay. She always had her car keys in her hand and moved to quickly for him to say anything.

If you live with her you may have to modify the system until you can live somewhere else.

Forgiving your mother is helpful to you. However, forgiving does not mean allowing your mother to treat you badly. Allowing your mother to hurt you is in some way enabling her bad behavior. Do not argue. Do not try to explain. Protect yourself by leaving the situation. As long as she is behaving herself, give her some attention. The second she begins to misbehave cut the conversation short.

Practice saying, “I got to go” until it is second nature then hung up or leave the situation.

Over the years this system has worked for my niece. I hope it can work for you.
Click to expand...
Totally agree! As a victim of verbal abuse, you have to set up boundaries.
Accepting anyone’s verbal abuse is enabling their toxic behavior. Healing begins by stating what you WILL NOT accept. and then let your actions speak for themselves.

ie. I will not accept you calling me stupid, I am loved and beloved by Our Lord and Our Lady and your words are NOT true. If you call me stupid again, I will be hanging up/leaving the house, etc (whatever you plan to do).

You must follow thru with actions. Otherwise, they will think you are not serious. Once they realize that you are not going to be the punchbag, they might stop. Mercy toward someone that is abusive is also the teaching of truth and rehabilitation.

They need help as their own brokeness is to beat (verbally/physicall) the victim over and over… As victims, we are to stop the cycle by getting them help, praying for them, etc. If the person is constantly abusive, then you need to remove yourself (space and distance) and pray for them to get help from someone else.

God Bless you and remember you are beloved!!!

ps… a great resource: boundariesbooks.com
 
Head up,carry on you are doing just fine.Probably jealousy, she views you on the cusp of everything
 
You will have to start setting boundaries with your mother. Never visit her or call her without an escape plan. If she launches into her abusive tirades again, walk out on her or hang up on her. Do this again and again until she learns that her abuse will not be tolerated. You will have to be the strong one here. She has gotten away with it for so long that it will be you who will have to start to change.
 
If she is a practicing.catholic try to tell her:
Tell her the Bible quote: “He who calls another a fool is liable for the judgement of Hellfire.”
Jesus said.that. Name calling is a mortal sin if done deliberately, in complete freedom, and in full knowledge, and if done maliciously.

Also:
“Judge not lest the judgement you judge with be measured back upon you.”
Your Mom cannot judge you.

Also the Bible says, “The children shall judge the parents.”
(In other words, on the final second judgement, the children of the world will be ordered to judge the neglects and faults of their parents.)

Be at peace. Forgive her and do not judge her.
What.she is doing is wrong.

You could write her a letter of how you feel.
Do not tell her about things you Know will make her Cross.
The Bible does not say you must tell everything to everyone, it says “Cast not your pearls on swine, lest they trample them underfoot and turn and devour you.”
If she asks how you are getting on, only tell her what.she will be okay with listening.

Also: If she will listen, defend yourself, (I don’t think that’s a good idea, better off leaving or hanging up when she is like that, and have a genuine excuse ready)
If not, hang up. Or leave the situation.

You do not have to listen to that kind of treatment.
If it is ever face to face, ask your dad to be present also to defend you, send him a text or something, like “Need your help now” 🙂
 
So sorry, this must be difficult for you. as I read through all the posts it came to my mind

if your mother is suffering any disorder or condition? behaviors can have many causes-

none of which would necessarily make it any easier for you- but maybe deepen your

understanding and help you to see you are not the reason, you’ve done nothing.

I agree with posters for you to see counselors, they may help!

Prayers for you and your family
 
Paraphrasing a certain memorable and respectable person I say: stop looking in the eyes of people and gaze up to the grand sky where there are so many brilliant stars. Hope I wrote it as clearly as possible and that’s understandable . 🙂 (no, it’s not from a suspicious internet motivational speech; it was said by a writer)
I have , as a teenager, my problems with my parents too . If you want we can talk :o
 
You are not alone in this. I hear that my sister often treats my niece (17, a senior in high school) this way, with a tirade of verbal rage whenever things don’t go the way she would like. She never treats my niece this way in front of me, but I regularly hear about it from my mom. I don’t know why people think it is fine to unload on loved ones by saying such hurtful things to family members. I know my sister would never talk this way to anyone at her work - she would be fired! But at home, all of her frustrations and anger and fear can come out to her daughter. Our father was often this way too. Cheerful to his bosses at work, but a powder-keg ready to explode once he got home. If nothing else, remember, and do not repeat the cycle with your future family. Praying for you and your family.
 
Maybe it would be good for you to invite your mother OUT to coffee at a time when things are calm and when you have to leave at a particular time to meet a friend or something. Start off by saying how much you enjoy your phone calls while you are at school, and other things which you appreciate, but that because you love her, these hurtful moments really hurt you a lot. Describe exactly how you feel, and ask if there is a way the two of you could avoid those moments.

Also, avoid telling her anything you do or say. Just say, the people there liked me and we’ll be talking again in a couple of weeks.
 
SuscipeMeDomine said:
Most colleges have a counseling center. Perhaps you could check on their services. They may be able to offer ideas for dealing with your mother in a more effective way.
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I think this is good advice to vent to someone who will listen to you and try to understand who is also bound to keep any information confidential. The counselor may, or may not, be able to help you with your mother. However, sometimes it helps to talk it out anyway. I know when I went to the university, counseling was included through our fees. You’re probably paying for this service anyway.

As to your father changing your mother, that is extremely unlikely. Your mother has been this way for a long time and is not going to change for you or your father. Best to accept her as she is.

Now, this does not mean you need to be her punching bag. Living separately would surely help. If visits can’t be peaceful, you could talk to her over Skype. It’s a nice visit without all the stress. I’ve used that with my own family, which sounds a lot like yours.

If you do visit, can you stay elsewhere, with a friend? A friend of mine said he’s kept some of the worst e-mails and best. My time staying with my family were some of his worst e-mails ever. He suggested to me to rent a car, stay in a hotel, and have a Plan B. We also have sometimes had a truce, not to talk about politics and religion, say.

Initially, I didn’t want to spend on all this, thinking it wasn’t necessary, but really, it was!

The easier times I’ve had with my family were when I planned it all out, that I would leave to go to a hotel the first sign of any trouble. I also limited my visit to maximum about 3 days.

Anyway, I hope you’ll be okay.

Praying for you.
 
I’m really sorry to read this, you sound like a daughter any mum should be proud of!

I wonder if your mum is a bit insecure? I only ask because I spent many years with someone who constantly tried to belittle me (mainly because I was more successful than him in my career), even though he purported to love me. I saw sense eventually.
 
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