Hypercritical mother hurt me yet again

[Trident_H]

I am 19 and a freshman in college on spring break. I have always worked hard in school and tried to be a good daughter, but, Mom has always berated me for a littlest or most common mistakes. She unleash a huge tirade of insults on me after I failed my first driving test even though few people get it on the first try. Now, I have been lookign around for places to volunteer.research because I am pre-med and need to start building a resume. I went to one hospice today and the volunteer coordinator told me about different positions and what they do. I filled out some paperwork and said that I am not entirely sure whether or not I will work here over the summer, but, I will give them the go ahead if I decide I will (they need to pay some agency to do background checks and they do not want to do that unless they are sure I am volunteering). Mom called about how it went and she called me an idiot for not saying for sure I want the volunteer position. I apologized and I said it is not like I was interviewing for a job and it was my first time. But, she kept going on that I am such an idiot and I have zero sense. I ended the call quickly and broke down in tears.

I called my dad, he said I was not being stupid and that he will talk to Mom about talking so abusively to me. I have fled to my dad after Mom’s abuse so many times and he has always promised to do something, but, Mom remains a witch as always. Which is sad because, at school, I miss her and we would always have nice conversations over the phone or when she and Dad visit. But, when I am back home, she always finds a way to tear me down. Now, I go to a respectible school, don’t party and get drunk, and made the Dean’s list my first quarter. And she still thinks I am stupid and senseless. I want to tell her that some people are not even fortunate to have kids that want to work or learn, they just live in their parent’s basements indefinitely playing video games all day.

I am still a wreck and the day is only half over. Her screams are still ringing in my head. I cannot get up and do what I have to do.

Hey Red. Man. I so wish I’d seen this earlier. Hope you’re doing Ok. I’ll send you a PM. Sounds like me and you have the same mother.

Peace.

-Trident

 

[MonteCristo]

First of all,

Hello from one premed student to another! So glad there is someone like me on here! Which profession are you hoping to enter after undergrad?!

And, I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. You did not deserve that. It was your first time, and you were a little nervous. You didn’t even say anything wrong- it’s actually good not to commit to a position if you are not 100% sure. Most people need time to think about these things, whether it’s volunteering or a job! I agree with the other posters. Has your father spoken to her about this? You have support with him! Good luck!

 

[mommy_k]

Definately tell your dad everytime it happens. Your mom is not well.

Perhaps if you read about St. Germain Cousin it will bring you comfort. She is the patron saint for those who suffer from parental abuse.

 

[redbetta]

First of all,

Hello from one premed student to another! So glad there is someone like me on here! Which profession are you hoping to enter after undergrad?!

And, I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. You did not deserve that. It was your first time, and you were a little nervous. You didn’t even say anything wrong- it’s actually good not to commit to a position if you are not 100% sure. Most people need time to think about these things, whether it’s volunteering or a job! I agree with the other posters. Has your father spoken to her about this? You have support with him! Good luck!

I doubt that my dad has spoken to her. Dad has always told me to do what I want while Mom has always wanted her idea of a good life for me. Instead of both my parents cooperating, they are two extremes, a strict mom and a dad that treats me like a princess.

I do not know which field in medicine I will go into. I asked an advisor and that is something a lot of people decide in medical school. All I want is to help others, especially since I do not want family of my own in the future. I need my work to give me meaning, not just put bread on the table.

 

[redbetta]

Okay, thank you all for the replies. I live on campus during school, so, I have my space then. I really do not have the means to move out on my own.

My mother is an odd case. She a sick baby placed on adoption and my grandparents took her in even though they just suffered a miscarriage and were likely to lose this child. The doctors did not know what to do, but, her aunt used some medicine made for treating livestock and that cured saved her, although her digestive track was permanently damaged. Mom always tells me that she never complains about her life because of how lucky she has been. She says that even when her father had to retire early during her childhood due to health reasons and she grew up poor, they were still happy. Now, you would think with this background, one would be more humble in life. But, this is not the case.

My mom has called her son, my half-brother a loser, for becoming a mechanic instead of something that made more money. She trashed talked about his wedding because it was not as picturesque as she had hoped. She always tells me to do not study anything useless in school, but, she tells me not to minor in Spanish even though learning a second language could help me and it is not that much coursework. I am on the quarter system at school, so, you can easily fit in a minor.

I got to stop here, the argument today gave me a headache and it is acting up again.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Okay, thank you all for the replies. I live on campus during school, so, I have my space then. I really do not have the means to move out on my own.

My mother is an odd case. She a sick baby placed on adoption and my grandparents took her in even though they just suffered a miscarriage and were likely to lose this child. The doctors did not know what to do, but, her aunt used some medicine made for treating livestock and that cured saved her, although her digestive track was permanently damaged. Mom always tells me that she never complains about her life because of how lucky she has been. She says that even when her father had to retire early during her childhood due to health reasons and she grew up poor, they were still happy. Now, you would think with this background, one would be more humble in life. But, this is not the case.

My mom has called her son, my half-brother a loser, for becoming a mechanic instead of something that made more money. She trashed talked about his wedding because it was not as picturesque as she had hoped. She always tells me to do not study anything useless in school, but, she tells me not to minor in Spanish even though learning a second language could help me and it is not that much coursework. I am on the quarter system at school, so, you can easily fit in a minor.

I got to stop here, the argument today gave me a headache and it is acting up again.

I’m so very sorry for what you have been going through with your Mom. :hug1:

I can tell you that my Mom acts in ways similar to yours.

What I had to do for my own peace of mind was just limit my contact with her back when I was younger, and was still living at home and going to school.

I went to counseling then too, because living at home and trying to go to school was really starting to really stress me out back then.

I just started to stay away from home as much as I reasonably could.

I would study at school instead of at home, especially if I knew that she was going to be home on the weekends.

I went out with friends, and I was also dating anyway then too, so I wasn’t home for that reason, either.

I made it a point of not being around, and I started feeling much better when I started to take more control over my life back then. I simply wasn’t around for her to take her verbal frustrations out on anymore.

 

[petra22]

Head up,carry on you are doing just fine.Probably jealousy, she views you on the cusp of everything

I just want to say one more thing. Maybe I’m way off base but at 19 I was so angry at my mother for everything she said to me, every look she gave me. I thought she was so controlling. I actually HATED her. Even in college I had my friends believing she was the devil… Heck, I believed it.

After I moved away, turned 30 had my own daughter…I finally realized that she was trying to help me be the best I could be. She just had a gruff way about it. I wasn’t turned like that. Anyway we became best friends, mother and daughter again and she was very nurturing, which she was all along JUST I resented it…

All I’m saying is it in normal growing…

 

[redbetta]

I just want to say one more thing. Maybe I’m way off base but at 19 I was so angry at my mother for everything she said to me, every look she gave me. I thought she was so controlling. I actually HATED her. Even in college I had my friends believing she was the devil… Heck, I believed it.

After I moved away, turned 30 had my own daughter…I finally realized that she was trying to help me be the best I could be. She just had a gruff way about it. I wasn’t turned like that. Anyway we became best friends, mother and daughter again and she was very nurturing, which she was all along JUST I resented it…

All I’m saying is it in normal growing…

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but, there are some things up with my mom. My brother is in his thirties and has a kid of his own and he still sees our mom as crazy and warns me to take whatever she says with a grain of salt.

 

[Sarcelle]

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but, there are some things up with my mom. My brother is in his thirties and has a kid of his own and he still sees our mom as crazy and warns me to take whatever she says with a grain of salt.

Good advise from your brother.

My mother also has a gruff way about her but she was very nurturing. Her style of nurturing was more boot camp drill instructor than June Cleaver or Donna Reed.

 

[redbetta]

Good advise from your brother.

My mother also has a gruff way about her but she was very nurturing. Her style of nurturing was more boot camp drill instructor than June Cleaver or Donna Reed.

My brother especially tells me not to listen to Mom when it comes to picking my field of study for me. She works for a rich man and she tells me all of the “secrets” that he has told her to how to become successful. However, she has never gone higher than high school herself. My dad has, but, the university system in Poland back in his day was much different. I am especially peeved when she reacts to me wanting to take more Spanish courses as if I am telling her I want to study the history of pottery or some other useless thing. It is a language and I have gotten As in all of my university Spanish courses, so, it is not like I am attempting something that I do not have in me to achieve. Alas, Mom thinks she can never be wrong about anything.

 

[Sarcelle]

My brother especially tells me not to listen to Mom when it comes to picking my field of study for me. She works for a rich man and she tells me all of the “secrets” that he has told her to how to become successful. However, she has never gone higher than high school herself. My dad has, but, the university system in Poland back in his day was much different. I am especially peeved when she reacts to me wanting to take more Spanish courses as if I am telling her I want to study the history of pottery or some other useless thing. It is a language and I have gotten As in all of my university Spanish courses, so, it is not like I am attempting something that I do not have in me to achieve. Alas, Mom thinks she can never be wrong about anything.

Your brother is right. Ultimately what you choose to study is your decision to make regardless of what your mother thinks about it.

I guess that is why she gets abusive because in spite of her belief that she can never be wrong, you and the world in general have proven to her that she can and will be wrong sometimes.

 

[Kay_Cee]

I can see where you have a bit of a dilemma here since you are not only to forgive your mother but the Commandment says you are to honor her too.

Fortunately, I know a way to do both which will also diminish your pain.

What are you, as a Catholic, supposed to do with your pain? You’re supposed to offer it up. So, whenever your mother abuses you, offer up the pain she’s causing for the sake of her soul.

I was also abused, by several people. When I started offering up my pain that way, it didn’t stop it immediately, but it did lessen it, and eventually it did stop.

You might even consider telling your mom that you’re doing this, something like: “Mom, every time you say something like that, it hurts me a lot. But I’m offering up that pain to Jesus for your sake.”

Of course you know her better than I do, so you know how well it would go over if you said something like that.

Hope this helps!

 

[Sarcelle]

I can see where you have a bit of a dilemma here since you are not only to forgive your mother but the Commandment says you are to honor her too.

Fortunately, I know a way to do both which will also diminish your pain.

What are you, as a Catholic, supposed to do with your pain? You’re supposed to offer it up. So, whenever your mother abuses you, offer up the pain she’s causing for the sake of her soul.

I was also abused, by several people. When I started offering up my pain that way, it didn’t stop it immediately, but it did lessen it, and eventually it did stop.

You might even consider telling your mom that you’re doing this, something like: “Mom, every time you say something like that, it hurts me a lot. But I’m offering up that pain to Jesus for your sake.”

Of course you know her better than I do, so you know how well it would go over if you said something like that.

Hope this helps!

I am very leery about telling abused people to offer up their pain while being abused. I have seen too many abuse victims advised to offer up their pain and to let the abuser keep abusing them. The one thing abuse victims need to do is get away from their abuser or at least keep the contact at a minimum. God is not a sadist who likes to see people suffer.

 

[Kay_Cee]

I am very leery about telling abused people to offer up their pain while being abused. I have seen too many abuse victims advised to offer up their pain and to let the abuser keep abusing them. The one thing abuse victims need to do is get away from their abuser or at least keep the contact at a minimum. God is not a sadist who likes to see people suffer.

Good grief, I never said the person should continue staying in a situation where he is abused, nor did I say that God likes to see people suffer. How you got that from my post is beyond me.

However, we do pray “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” I would like to think we can be Christ-like enough to forgive, even as Jesus did from the cross.

 

[Sarcelle]

Good grief, I never said the person should continue staying in a situation where he is abused, nor did I say that God likes to see people suffer. How you got that from my post is beyond me.

However, we do pray “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” I would like to think we can be Christ-like enough to forgive, even as Jesus did from the cross.

Okay, fair enough, I apologize if I misunderstood you.

Yes, the victim would be better off forgiving the abuser but then at the same time minimize contact with said abuser. If the contact has been made the message should be made loud and clear by the victim that no amount of abuse will be tolerated.

 

[redbetta]

Good grief, I never said the person should continue staying in a situation where he is abused, nor did I say that God likes to see people suffer. How you got that from my post is beyond me.

However, we do pray “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” I would like to think we can be Christ-like enough to forgive, even as Jesus did from the cross.

In case you would like to know, I did not get the impression from your post that I am supposed to accept it when Mom is harsh to me. After all, what difference does it make if you offer it up at home, here, there, or 100 miles away?

 

[Kay_Cee]

In case you would like to know, I did not get the impression from your post that I am supposed to accept it when Mom is harsh to me. After all, what difference does it make if you offer it up at home, here, there, or 100 miles away?

Thanks for letting me know.

 

[Kay_Cee]

Okay, fair enough, I apologize if I misunderstood you.

Yes, the victim would be better off forgiving the abuser but then at the same time minimize contact with said abuser. If the contact has been made the message should be made loud and clear by the victim that no amount of abuse will be tolerated.

Apology accepted.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Yes. Go there.

+1 ------I would do this.

 

[petra22]

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but, there are some things up with my mom. My brother is in his thirties and has a kid of his own and he still sees our mom as crazy and warns me to take whatever she says with a grain of salt.

I understand and I was thinking about my reply. Hmm, it wasn’t until I was 30 and gone that we actually developed a loving, caring relationship. Unfortunately, maybe that’s what it’s going to take…?