I’m 20 she’s 42

  • Thread starter Thread starter thome600
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
T

thome600

Guest
I’m a 20 y/o guy and I just asked a 42 y/o year old woman out. She said yes. We’re both devout Catholics and looking for a long term relationship/marriage. @ few questions.
  1. What will the difference be between dating a young girl and dating a 42 y/o woman?
  2. Would a priest refuse to marry a couple with a large age gap?
 
I have a female friend who married someone someone 11 years younger than her, and my Father-in-law was 29 years older than my Mother-in-law. Age gaps become less of a deal the older you get.

That being said, I was married at 19, and while God uses all things for the good of those who love him, I wish desperately that I had waited until my mid-twenties. I had a drastic change in my thought process, values, and maturity that made life really difficult to manage while married.
That is not to say that I think marrying young is a mistake. I’m just saying that in my case, waiting a few more years would have saved me a lot of heartache and grief and trials.
 
I’m sorry but why would you want to marry someone who could be your mother?
I guess love is love but this is bizarre. Do you not want to have children or have someone to grow old with?
 
The difference is that a 42 year old woman is mostly set in her ways and a 20 year old woman is still maturing and her values and outlook on life can still change dramatically. Also, a 42 year old woman likely won’t be able to give you children of your own. And, depending on how mature the 20 year-old boyfriend looks, people might mistake her for a predatory school teacher.
 
The first date is a little early to worry about marriage.

Good for you though. Enjoy your date. I always think age is relative and God can find good matches no matter the age difference.
 
thome600 said:
I’m a 20 y/o guy and I just asked a 42 y/o year old woman out. She said yes. We’re both devout Catholics and looking for a long term relationship/marriage. @ few questions.
  1. What will the difference be between dating a young girl and dating a 42 y/o woman?
  2. Would a priest refuse to marry a couple with a large age gap?
Click to expand...
There is nothing intrinsically wrong with a relationship such as this, but what about children? Let’s say you get married in two years and have your first child the next year. She will be 45. There are increased risks of various problems when the mother is in that age cohort. Then a second child? Something to consider.

Also, I’m sure you’ve already done the math, but when you are 30, she’ll be 52. When you’re 40, she’ll be 62. When you’re 50, she’ll be 72. Not saying that’s a bad thing, just stating the fact. How do you feel about this?

The difference between dating a young girl and a woman aged 42? Just stating the obvious, she will be more mature and will bring more to the relationship. What does she see in you? How do you view one another? As equals?

There is nothing in canon law or the discipline of the Church that prohibits age differences in marriage. It would be simply an issue of prudence and looking at your own mutual circumstances.

But all you have done is simply to ask her out. You are asking the right questions — too many people just date for the sake of dating, with partners they would never think of marrying. I’ve never been in favor of that. Very often one partner’s feelings will get way out in front of the other partner’s. Enjoy your date and hope things go well.
 
Also, I hope you are still not even partially dependent on your parents. I know that, if I found out one of my barely a teenager kids was dating someone old enough to be their parent, they would be getting cut off.
 
How is that reckless? Chances of birth defects and complications get higher with age and chances of conceiving get slimmer. If someone absolutely wants kids, they shouldn’t be dating someone in their 40s.
 
redbetta said:
How is that reckless? Chances of birth defects and complications get higher with age and chances of conceiving get slimmer. If someone absolutely wants kids, they shouldn’t be dating someone in their 40s.
Click to expand...
I’m always sensitive to these types of comments as one of my parents was in their 40’s and much older than my other parent. Yes there is a slight increase in some problems with older parents, but much of that depends on many many other factors including the general health of the parent who is older and other environmental factors.

I just don’t agree on this one.
 
Last edited:
jack63 said:
40.png
redbetta:
How is that reckless? Chances of birth defects and complications get higher with age and chances of conceiving get slimmer. If someone absolutely wants kids, they shouldn’t be dating someone in their 40s.
Click to expand...
I’m always sensitive to these types of comments as one of my parents was in their 40’s and much older than my other parent. Yes there is a slight increase in some problems with older parents, but much of that depends on many many other factors including the general health of the parent who is older and other environmental factors.

I just don’t agree on this one.
Click to expand...
Thanks @jack63 I appreciate it.
 
There are risks. There are drawbacks. These must all be considered.
 
Any 42 year old woman pursuing a relationship with a 20 year old is much more likely to have some issues. Not ageism this is just factual. She probably is suffering some mid life crisis and it makes her feel secure feeling attractive to a 20 year old kid. There’s probably some insecurities going on here. Face it, this is text book Investigate Discovery kind of stuff you see on TV. I would just date someone your own age, this is something you will look back at and think what was I thinking?
 
Cruciferi said:
There are risks. There are drawbacks. These must all be considered.
Click to expand...
I’ve payed attention, @Cruciferi, -over these 2 years- to the few posts where you shared with the community your “state of life”. I think the risks need not merely considered, but thoroughly examined, studied and contrasted. As I have done, over this time…It pains me to see preconceptions placed on the gift of life and matrimony that hold little to no truth to them - as we have seen on this thread. Thus being well informed, on such matters, should indeed be a catholic prerogative.
 
Last edited:
Thomasbradley312 said:
Any 42 year old woman pursuing a relationship with a 20 year old is much more likely to have some issues. Not ageism this is just factual. She probably is suffering some mid life crisis and it makes her feel secure feeling attractive to a 20 year old kid. There’s probably some insecurities going on here. Face it, this is text book Investigate Discovery kind of stuff you see on TV. I would just date someone your own age, this is something you will look back at and think what was I thinking?
Click to expand...
These are all speculative assumptions.
 
Here’s my take @thome600

I have a family member who is currently engaged to someone 38 years her senior. In the short term it might work; however, in the long run, there are too many factors going against such a relationship.

Enjoy your date and each other’s company; however, I would strongly urge you to find someone closer to your age so that both of you can grow together and have a successful marriage.
 
You need to at least look at the data. Figuring 2 years of dating before marriage, she’ll be 44 by the time you’re married. According to the Wikipedia article, “At age 45, 87% of couples were infertile”. Age and female fertility - Wikipedia
 
There are always seeming exceptions to.the rule people seem to have about age differences. Most famously, French President Macron appears to have been happily married.for 12 years now to a lady 20+ years his senior. And by all accounts he pursued her rather than the other way around.

Mind you, he was about 30 and had known her since he was in high school when they married, so it was obviously not a sudden decision made by a very young man. I think that makes a difference

You do need to factor in things like.children - if the two of you want to give birth or adopt, then her age means there is a short window of opportunity.

And how.compatible/complimentary are you otherwise? As a mid-forties lady myself, I think most.young fellas probably wouldn’t enjoy most if any of the same hobbies, music or movies or whatnot that I do.
 
Last edited:
No, no, no, no, no, no no. And then no.
What on earth are you thinking??
No.
 
snarflemike said:
You need to at least look at the data. Figuring 2 years of dating before marriage, she’ll be 44 by the time you’re married. According to the Wikipedia article, “At age 45, 87% of couples were infertile”. Age and female fertility - Wikipedia
Click to expand...
This is simply a medical reality.

There are many healthy babies born to women in their 40s. I gave birth to three babies after the age of 40; my last baby was born when I was 45. I would never discourage a woman in her 40s from trying to have a baby, but there is no doubt that the chances of conception are lower, the chances of miscarriage are higher, and the risks of pregnancy to the mother and child are higher. It does us no good to deny those facts.

At the age of 44, the chances of a woman conceiving are less than 5% and the miscarriage rate of such pregnancies is greater than 50%.

It is very reasonable to consider such realities when deciding to date or marry an individual. It is a discussion that needs to happen. If both parties were in their early 20s and one of them was known to have fertility challenges, would it not be prudent for the parties involved, individually and as a couple, to consider the impact that probably infertility will have on their lives?
 
snarflemike said:
“At age 45, 87% of couples were infertile”.
Click to expand...
“At age 40, 64% will have a conception ending in a live birth within four years”

@thome600 science has evolved rapidly and when you see data from the 70’s and 80’s doctors are the first to criticize how fertility was viewed back then. The main consensus today is that fertility depends on the woman’s (and man’s) health. That is individual !!

Those catch-all fertility stats encompass all kinds of health problems you can imagine…(cancers, surgeries, all the horrible medical things human are subjected to)!!

So, according to the canons of marriage, the betrothed are to have a frank conversation with each other regarding their reproductive health. Concealment of such vital information can implicate nullity and annulment of the marriage latter. (Imagine, one of the spouses concealing from the other they knew that they were infertile before marrying).

I know you are probably happy @thome600 and you find yourself in a delicate situation. Don’t let other’s “judgments of value” and “bigotry” change what you are living. Half the arguments given in this thread are false, and serve only for you to practice you critical thinking, which you (and others) are bound to need later in life - regardless of the outcome of this relationship.

If there were an impediment -regarding the age gap- catholic doctrine would say so. THERE IS NONE !!

And I’ll tell you one last thing, you did good in asking the lady out. That takes courage. And it takes heart. And it takes passion. And it takes love. She’ll have more life experience than you (don’t hold her back, and there will be a sea of surprises in meeting each other), and if you marry you’ll need to take up serious responsibility, get a job and so forth…

But don’t let some petite-burgouise mentality expressed in the judgements of others hold you off. Remember that the better part of humanity is alive today resulting from marriages with considerable age gaps. And remember that not long ago a man of your age was expected to be independent - unlike some of the bigots judging their way about.

Have heart.

God bless.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top