I’m 20 she’s 42

[babochka]

At age 40, 64% will have a conception ending in a live birth within four years

I would imagine that this statistic includes reproductive technologies such as IVF, including the use of donor eggs. A Catholic would not generally consider these methods.

@thome600 science has evolved rapidly and when you see data from the 70’s and 80’s doctors are the first to criticize how fertility was viewed back then. The main consensus today is that fertility depends on the woman’s (and man’s) health. That is individual !!

Science cannot make a woman’s eggs younger. At the age of 44, approximately 90% of a woman’s eggs contain chromosomal problems, most of which prevent conception.

And I’ll tell you one last thing, you did good in asking the lady out. That takes courage. And it takes heart. And it takes passion. And it takes love. She’ll have more life experience than you (don’t hold her back, and there will be a sea of surprises in meeting each other), and if you marry you’ll need to take up serious responsibility, get a job and so forth…

Beautiful!

 

[adgloriam]

Science cannot make a woman’s eggs younger. At the age of 44, approximately 90% of a woman’s eggs contain chromosomal problems, most of which prevent conception.

I’ve met several woman who were mothers when they were around 50 yo…AND THEIR CHILDREN ARE BEAUTIFUL !!!

And the OP is, I trust, superabundant in terms of health

 

[Trishie]

At this stage, it’s a single date, although you mention that you both are seeking long-term relationships.
How well do you know yourself and your long-term aspirations, present loneliness excluded?
And can you picture yourself at age 40 with a 62 year-old wife, or at 50 with a 72 year old and so on?
Twenty is young to give up on dating girls around your own age.

Two marriages in my family where there was, is a thirteen years age-gap. One a complete disaster, the effects of which reverberated through the younger guy’s entire life
The other marriage with the same age gap continues to be one of the best I’ve encountered.

Pray, and it may be wise to seek guidance from people or counsellors, and your priest, people who know you both.
May God guide you both

 

[babochka]

babochka:

Science cannot make a woman’s eggs younger. At the age of 44, approximately 90% of a woman’s eggs contain chromosomal problems, most of which prevent conception.

I’ve met several woman who were mothers when they were around 50 yo…AND THEIR CHILDREN ARE BEAUTIFUL !!!

And the OP is, I trust, superabundant in terms of health

As have I.

They, like I, have been abundantly blessed and challenged by a “change-of-life” baby. This doesn’t change the reality that age is an extremely significant factor in female fertility.

I would imagine that this statistic includes reproductive technologies such as IVF, including the use of donor eggs. A Catholic would not generally consider these methods.

I have to correct my own assumption here, as I just read the article.

The 64% statistic does not include women who have used reproductive technologies. It does, however, refer to 40-year-old women, not 44 year old women. The decline in fertility between 40 and 44 is dramatic.

 

[adgloriam]

@babochka I defer to you on all these matters. It’s good that someone contributes who knows what they are talking about.

God bless.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

For (1), you should be discussing the age difference with the lady in question. She is likely to have some definite ideas about what she likes and doesn’t like in a relationship, and you should also discuss if she has any concerns about you being younger. For instance, a concern that you might stray for a younger woman if one comes along, or your ability to be a responsible father to kids if she’s anxious to have them before it’s too late for her.

For (2), if you’re both of legal age, I don’t think a priest would refuse to marry you based on age, but he might ask a lot of questions to make sure this is a marriage in good faith.

I’m friends with a couple who had a 15+ year age difference, younger man and older woman, and they married over their family’s objections and are still married 30+ years later, with one child who is now an adult. It wasn’t without some potholes in the roads esp when they were only married a few years, and I seem to recall there was some concern about infidelity and they went to counseling for a time, but they made a go of it, so it can be done.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I’m always sensitive to these types of comments as one of my parents was in their 40’s and much older than my other parent. Yes there is a slight increase in some problems with older parents, but much of that depends on many many other factors including the general health of the parent who is older and other environmental factors.

I just don’t agree on this one.

I don’t either. I had a guy try to pressure me into marriage in my 20s when he had just dropped out of college and was working a lousy job, with me still in college, by insisting that if I waited to get married then our kids might very well have birth defects and we’d be too old to play with them. My mother was almost 38 when I was born, my dad was 40 and I knew many other couples in my extended family and my neighborhood who had kids in their 40s and none had birth defects. I broke up with that guy in a hurry.

Obviously if your dream is to have 10 kids then you might want to pick a lady younger than 42 as she might not have time to have more than a couple before menopause, but that’s different from being concerned about birth defects.

 

[Delphinus]

There are a lot of things to consider with this kind of age gap. LOTS of things that could cause some serious problems and heartache. I remember in my 20s I saw the world a certain way. In my 30s, things are radically different and my values and desires have changed. I am sure they’ll change all the more when I get to my 40s. Things to consider:

1. Children. At your age, kids may not seem like a big deal. This generally changes over time, and by the time you’re approaching your 30s, it’ll become very painful to learn you cannot have children with this woman.
2. Interests. It’s unlikely a woman of that age will share many interests and things in common with you that you can share as the rush of the new relationship wears off.
3. Sex drive. When there’s a difference here, it can be a BIG DEAL. As women age, their interest generally drops off. It seems very unlikely sexual compatibility will work well between a 20 year old male and a 40 year old female. This can lead to a great amount of frustration, heartache, and temptation to immorality later.

All of these things doesn’t mean it’s wrong, immoral, or sick. It’s just imprudent. Marriage is HARD between even the best suited people for each other. The only reason to pursue this is if you really feel strongly that God is calling you to marriage with this woman, which is something no one can answer for you, although a spiritual director can help you discern that. I will say that in my experience, God generally operates using wisdom, and this doesn’t seem wise at all based on the given information.

 

[Lea101]

Yup. I mean switch the genders around and most people here will start feeling pretty protective of the young woman.

I promise you most healthy 40 year old women wouldnt want a 20 year old man. The ones that do tend to want one because it’s easier to manipulate (so…not healthy). Before anyone starts sharpening their spears, there are exceptions to the rule.

Putting that aside, do YOU have any emotional issues that may draw you to this person? I don’t normally meet 20 year old men interested in older women (for marriage purposes).

I don’t have a good feeling about this at all. But we can’t tell you what to do. We don’t even know this woman.

 

[thome600]

We have very similar interests. We’re both Traditional Catholics and we enjoy discussing theology, the Church, and and the Saints. She’s impressed with my maturity and knowledge of the Faith( many have told me that I’m very mature for my age) She and I have had several conversations and enjoy each other’s company. We think we may be compatible

 

[GiftofMercy]

We’re both Traditional Catholics and we enjoy discussing theology, the Church, and and the Saints.

IN this thread you say you are high church Anglican

Is Thomism monergistic Philosophy

To begin, I’m a High-Church Anglican who’s always had an interest in the Thomistic theological tradition. I enjoy reading guys like Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange I’d call myself Augustinian theologically. I’m not a Calvinist because I don’t hold to double-Predestination( I do believe God has predestined his Elect, but he does NOT predestine anyone to reprobation) I know there are two major schools of thought in the Catholic Church: Thomism and Molinism. Molinism is certainly synergistic. If I rec…

His position is identical to my own position as a High-Church Anglican.
I’m a High-Church Anglican

 

[BartholomewB]

Just in case no one has mentioned it so far in this thread, there is the case of Emanuel and Brigitte Macron. They first became attracted to one another when she was one of the teachers in his high school.

Emmanuel Macron - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

 

[Mary888]

Macron’s love affair was wrong for more than just the age gap. She was married, her child was his colleaugue, the relationship ended her marriage etc.

 

[Cruciferi]

I suspected that there was more to the story…

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

I’m sorry but why would you want to marry someone who could be your mother?

Hey, whoa…

Would you be okay with it if the sexes were reversed?

If not…carry on

 

[Phemie]

I remember having a 20-something guest for dinner and during the meal thinking, “How can women my age date guys that age? It would be like dating an overgrown teenager.” Admittedly, it may have been an unfair judgement of all men that age based on a particularly immature individual, but I think the vast difference in life experience would make the relationship difficult.

 

[Lou2U]

Macron’s love affair was wrong for more than just the age gap. She was married, her child was his colleaugue, the relationship ended her marriage etc.

I agree, Macron should not be used as an example.

OP, I think you’re getting way, way ahead of yourself. Just take your time with her and enjoy yourself. No need to think of marriage when you haven’t had a date yet.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

For everybody fussing about the alleged weirdness of the age gap, in addition to the married couple I mentioned, I’ve seen other relationships involving a middle-aged lady and a young guy before. They’re frankly pretty normal if the couple has a big shared interest and/or the younger person is looking for stability or a “mother figure”. I’ve seen guys who had a preference for older ladies and dated several of them in a row. Same way as some young women prefer older men.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Also, I hope you are still not even partially dependent on your parents. I know that, if I found out one of my barely a teenager kids was dating someone old enough to be their parent, they would be getting cut off.

How charitable.

Many people believe that these relationships with this large of age difference occur because the younger person in the relationship never got their emotional needs met from their parents or those who raised them. In other words, they are looking for someone (subconsciously, usually) to fill the gap. Makes perfect sense to me.

 

[ewohdrol]

Goodness. You haven’t even had a date yet!! Calm down on the marriage thoughts.

Although I truly think the gap is too wide. Even as a very mature 20 year old there is still a very wide power imbalance.