I’m 20 she’s 42

[TC3033]

I would think Shania in her early 20s would have at least as much life experience and maturity as I do now.

Would you co sider that the standard, or the outlier? In any case I would still advise my child not enter a relationship with someone 2 decades their senior.
[/quote]

Surely you know your own son. What you do NOT know is all the women in their 30s, 40s and beyond out there.

No, I don’t. Either way if he at 20 were to bring home someone I could have gone to high school with/be his mother I would seriously question what each is expecting out of said relationship, and seriously advise my son…who is in the midst of growing up, maturing and figuring out his future what the heck he’s thinking. Same thing of the 42 year old woman and what she is doing with a kid 2 years removed from high school.

Or is it the case that you would pretty much object to your son marrying anybody at present regardless of her age

Um…of course I would…like I said up thread, at present he’s 10…

 

[LilyM]

LilyM:

I would think Shania in her early 20s would have at least as much life experience and maturity as I do now.

Would you co sider that the standard, or the outlier? In any case I would still advise my child not enter a relationship with someone 2 decades their senior.

Surely you know your own son. What you do NOT know is all the women in their 30s, 40s and beyond out there.

No, I don’t. Either way if he at 20 were to bring home someone I could have gone to high school with/be his mother I would seriously question what each is expecting out of said relationship, and seriously advise my son…who is in the midst of growing up, maturing and figuring out his future what the heck he’s thinking. Same thing of the 42 year old woman and what she is doing with a kid 2 years removed from high school.

Or is it the case that you would pretty much object to your son marrying anybody at present regardless of her age

Um…of course I would…like I said up thread, at present he’s 10…
[/quote]

Of course she’s an outlier - but you are the one who have made crystal clear you’d make no exceptions even for outliers. Blanket prejudgement - including of your son. Yes, I missed that he is currently 10. Which proves you are prejudging and looking - with no basis - at him as what you imagine he will be in ten years time, rather than considering an actual living breathing 20-year-old individual.

Point is, you have no earthly idea what the next 10 years will hold in store for him, and he could, for all you know, reach the age of 20 fully mature and “life-experienced” enough to be a good match for some 40-year-olds.

 

[tafan2]

If the girl is 20 and the man is 42? I know it’s not directed at me, but I will give my answer. I find it even more distasteful. I realize it may be better accepted by society, but if a 42 year-old man were dating my daughter, I would not trust him at all. If it was a 42 year old woman, despite not approving, I might be open to her being a good person.

 

[TC3033]

Point is, you have no earthly idea what the next 10 years will hold in store for him, and he could, for all you know, reach the age of 20 fully mature and “life-experienced” enough to be a good match for some 40-year-olds.

I don’t buy the notion that 20 year olds are “fully mature” though. Even in your example I’d say that she never got the chance to…

Call it prejudging if you want, I’m going to call it parenting because there’s no way I would advise a 20 year old that it would be a good idea to get in a relationship with someone more than 2 decades their senior.

 

[LisaB]

LilyM:

Point is, you have no earthly idea what the next 10 years will hold in store for him, and he could, for all you know, reach the age of 20 fully mature and “life-experienced” enough to be a good match for some 40-year-olds.

I don’t buy the notion that 20 year olds are “fully mature” though.

In that case, the said 20 year old should not marry anyone of any age, since marriage is for grown ups. A 20 year old marrying another 20 year old would then compound the problem because now you have TWO immature people making what should be a lifelong decision.

And since the purpose of dating is to discern who to marry, it then follows that a 20 year old is not mature enough to date, regardless of the other person’s age…

 

[AlmaRedemptorisMater]

I find his thread so fascinating. Exemplified here is the fear of being judgmental. OP asked for advice concerning a relationship, and surprise! people gave conflicting advice. Those who say it’s a bad idea are being judged by those who say it’s fine as judgmental.

In any event, OP don’t do it. I mean, you turned to the internet for relationship advice, c’mon. But as OP seems to have disappeared who cares what I think.

 

[AlmaRedemptorisMater]

From my reading of this thread, those who have expressed doubt of the prudence of this relationship have been piled on more than the other way around. In a very judgmental way, might I add. All the while decrying the ‘judgmental’ nature of saying it’s a dumb idea.

Nobody’s angelic. If you think that I’m acting as if one side is, then you do you.

 

[AlmaRedemptorisMater]

With the minimal amount of information offered on this thread, blanket statements are inevitable. If OP was serious about this, he’d offer more. My guess is, he misread the whole affair and the woman likely let him down, hopefully gracefully.

There, I just prejudged the whole thing based on incomplete information. And if I’m wrong, then I’m wrong. But OP should still not pursue the relationship, if for no other reason than he turned to internet for advice.

 

[LisaB]

Wow. Jaw open. Struck dumb. Wow.

What’s so jaw-dropping about what he said? If having kids is important to someone, it’s not unreasonable to consider whether it’s going to be likely with the person you marry.

 

[AlmaRedemptorisMater]

It’s not impossible, but more unlikely. Sometimes an over-emphasis on precision in language is an impediment to good advice.

 

[IdaCatholic]

Of course I am serious. A person who is 42 dating someone who was a teen last year is ridiculous. And borderline predatory. There will not be an equal standing in the relationship. I could understand a large are gap if circumstances pushed two people together and they grew in love and friendship. But a 42 year old asking a 20 year old out? Just plain old skeezy. Can’t even go to a bar.

 

[michaelArc]

I had a drastic change in my thought process, values, and maturity that made life really difficult to manage while married.

This ^ ^

While I wasn’t married, I was in a long term relationship. It didn’t work precisely for this reason. I couldn’t manage it.

 

[LisaB]

Your comment actually makes me want to properly address that comment made by someone earlier that I was initially taken aback by far too much to be able to give a real response:

Do you want kids? If you do don’t date her,

Would you ever say to someone “I’d love to marry you, sweetheart, but you just don’t have good genes. I need to have good-looking children”?

If so, that’s wicked, wicked shallow.

But I suspect that neither you nor anyone else of goodwill in this thread would ever ever say something like that.

As such, I’m confused as to why you think that that comment makes any sense. And, furthermore, it’s not as if it is for certain impossible that she wouldn’t be able to have children, so your comment now makes doubly not much sense.
[/quote]

The desire to have children is not exactly the same thing as desiring good-looking children with specific genes. It’s understandable that someone who wants children will look for someone who can have them, or at least less likely to be unable to. For example, I don’t find it unreasonable to not marry someone who knows they are infertile, such as if a woman had to have a hysterectomy at a young age or whatever. It might be shallow and “wicked”, you may be throwing away a loving relationship, but it’s your choice to make depending on what’s important to you. There are no objectively “wrong” criteria for choosing a spouse - it’s each person’s subjective decision, no matter how shallow it may appear to the outside world.

 

[LilyM]

That’s nothing like what I said.

I dated a girl in my early 20s, we cared about each other very much. She however was unfortunately infertile, and I broke off our relationship because having children was very important to me. Given that marriage is largely about having children, what I said should not be controversial in any way.

Marriage is NOT primarily about having children. It is at least as much about unity of the couple.

Many couples are childless through no fault of their own for starters. For seconds, a marriage may last far far longer than the years of active childbearing and raising.

Impotence (inability to physically perform the marital act) may, if long lasting, invalidate a marriage. Infertility wouldn’t, unless one partner knows they’re infertile and fails to disclose it prior to marriage. Otherwise no post-menopausal woman could validly be married. And it is not immoral to knowingly marry someone who is infertile

 

[AlmaRedemptorisMater]

But someone has the right to end a relationship before marriage based on the fertility of the prospective partner, no?

 

[Loud-living-dogma]

But someone has the right to end a relationship before marriage based on the fertility of the prospective partner, no?

Of course – in fact if someone knows himself or herself to be infertile, that person cannot contract marriage in the Catholic Church, right?
EDIT – I am wrong here, I believe this is true about impotence but not infertility. But I’m no Canon lawyer.

 

[LilyM]

AlmaRedemptorisMater:

But someone has the right to end a relationship before marriage based on the fertility of the prospective partner, no?

Of course – in fact if someone knows himself or herself to be infertile, that person cannot contract marriage in the Catholic Church, right?

Yes you can choose.not to marry an infertile person. But post-menopausal women can validly marry, and they know they are infertile, right?

 

[Elf01]

Impotence (inability to physically perform the marital act) may, if long lasting, invalidate a marriage.

Only if it was prior to the marriage. If one of the spouses became impotent during the marriage the marriage would stlll be valid.

 

[tafan2]

No, that’s not right. Infertility is not an impediment to marraige.

 

[Loud-living-dogma]

No, that’s not right. Infertility is not an impediment to marraige.

Thanks, I stand corrected!

Can a person who cannot have children be married in the Catholic Church? - Catholic Straight Answers

This question regarding the inability of a person to enter into marriage because of the inability to have children has two dimensions: impotence and infertility. Before addressing those issues, let us first recall our belief about marriage as revealed by … Continued

catholicstraightanswers.com