I’m not sure how to be Catholic or if I should be

[Amie23]

I was raised a strict, conservative (western rite?) Catholic. Grew up in the middle of the United States so I was the Catholic that is common there.

In high school I decided I’d leave and explore other religions for a while before coming back. I have been out of high school for six years and call myself pagan, have for about six years.

I keep wanting to come back. But I’m genderqueer and want to transition, I’m bisexual and in love with a woman (I was born female and so my body is), and I can do either monogamy or polyamory.

Still I keep coming back and talking with my dad (a third order discalce Carmelite who was president of his group as long as he could be) about being Catholic.

I debate being a liberal catholic. But I can’t do it because I was raised that the only way to be Catholic is to be strict and conservative. If you aren’t, you aren’t really catholic is what I was taught so intensely.

And then I had this dream last night and I don’t know if I should listen to it or ignore it.

So I was in a hotel filled with people who had things “wrong with them” I saw my abusive ex multiple times and hated it (don’t know if that’s relevant). I finally was led to a woman with an olive complexion and black curls. She was by the pool and had some connection to water and fluidity. She told me “your quarrel isn’t with the Blessed Mother, it’s with Heaven.” I laughed, said “Accurate” and made a joke. She scolded me and said “you’re not taking this seriously!” And I woke up and began rethinking my life.

I do have a habit of making a bigger issue out of things than need be. I also told my dad, who is thinking over it and suggested I ask my favorite priest, and I emailed him with no response yet.

So, what do you all make of this? Am I just a mess? I don’t know. I need guidance.

 

[GiftofMercy]

I agree with your dad, go and talk to your favorite priest. But what a gorgeous dream.

You and your family are in my prayers as you seek guidance and make decisions. There are a few that you are making.

 

[1ke]

That’s a lot to unpack.

The way to be Catholic isn’t “liberal” or “conservative”. The way to be Catholic is faithful.

And that means to embrace Christ and follow the teachings of his Church.

 

[Vico]

…
So, what do you all make of this? Am I just a mess? I don’t know. I need guidance.

You are baptised Catholic so you are a Catholic forever. The highest good is the number one priority – to be in the state of grace always, love of God. What is impossible for a human alone is possible with God.

C. S. Lewis wrote of four loves:

• agape – love as Christ loved, supernatural love,
• storge – natural affection,
• eros – natural sexual desire,
• philia – natural human friendship.

 

[Annie]

I dunno… I used to be a more strict Catholic, but then started understanding that being a good Catholic was more about loving the way God wants us to love–loving Him above all, loving ourselves so we take care of our souls, and loving others so we help them get to Heaven, and all along being merciful.

It doesn’t mean following all the rules as if they were a test, but to sort of rise above so that we end up not wanting to do those things because those actions are not good for us.

It’s like a college student who eats all this junk food and then joins the track team and starts eating well; after a while of doing that, junk food and the couch potato lifestyle just don’t appeal at all.

TBH, in my college+ years, I was kind of bound to the earth (non-practicing), lots of drama and “does he like me?” stuff, then to following the rules, and it all feels very heavy to me now. I feel lighter and freer.

I hope this helps, even tho this seems like an inadequate description.

 

[redbetta]

There is no such thing as a conservative or liberal Catholic. There are only orthodox and unorthodox ones.

 

[CaptainPrudeman]

I don’t think it’d be doing you a service to sugarcoat things. If you choose to follow God, your life will have to change. Everyone’s does. The real question is, does Jesus mean enough to you for you to forsake everything and follow Him? Ponder this. I am here; we are here if you need us. The Church exists so each sinner can have help on their way to heaven. Do not be afraid to ask.

 

[Amie23]

I think I know this but I just don’t want to face it. I definitely believe if there is a god like in Catholic theology then He should be followed as He requires.

The problem comes in where I’d have to change my life and maybe lose my friends. None of my friends are the way I was raised, even the two who were also raised that way. If suddenly I reverted I don’t think they’d put up with me and I never got along with other Catholic kids who actually believe it all. I’m afraid I’ll be all alone. Sure if God is real, in theory it’d be worth it in the end. But I guess I’m too afraid to take that risk.

And I would have my dad and his family. Maybe I could find a nice husband to take care of me, I don’t know.

It’s really scary, to be honest. And I also am afraid of pushing myself away to be what I was “born to be”. It hurts when I try to be heterosexual and cisgender. I’m just not those things. Sure sometimes I like men and sometimes I like being feminine. But not most of the time.
I could swing it but would I feel happy? I already struggle with bad mental illness including deep depression. I don’t need to make it worse.
(Of course maybe finding my way back to Catholicism could help. I don’t know.)

It’s a lot. I think about it all a lot too.

 

[CaptainPrudeman]

How old are you? If you’re in college or around that age, check for young adult groups at your local parish or check for your local newman center.

If your friends cannot accept that you’re a catholic, maybe you shouldn’t be friends with them at all. A true friend would support your decision to follow your heart where it leads.

Talk to your local parish priest as well. No commitment needed. Just mention that you’re thinking about coming back and ask to meet with him to talk. He would probably be able to help you the most, because he’d know a lot of the resources and activities one in your situation could use.

 

[redbetta]

If I may ask, what does being cisgender and being feminine mean to you? I’m just wondering because most people just acknowledge that they are men and women and go about their day just being themselves. They may have some traits or preferences that are more associated with the opposite sex, but it does not diminish their maleness or femaleness in their eyes. I know I am pretty atypical in a lot of ways from most women, but I’m a women nonetheless. It’s just nature.

 

[Wesrock]

and sometimes I like being feminine. But not most of the time.

Can you be comfortable as a woman who isn’t feminine most of the time?

You don’t have to answer, I’m not very good at this. Your father sounds like a very devout person, and I would agree with speaking to a priest and lots of prayer.

 

[Amie23]

I’m going on 25 years old. I’m at an age where I want my life to settle into something nice but because of mental illness I’m actually set back in some ways and still feel immature a lot. It’s a weird situation.

I have a friend who isn’t catholic or even Christian who insists I’m only genderqueer because of my bad exes who make me not want to be a woman. I don’t tend to believe that’s accurate though. I want to appear masculine/like a man. I don’t want to do “womanly” things like get pregnant and have a newborn. (I do want children, but I want to adopt older kids). I hate my chest, I have my voice for being so high. I have a lot of dysphoria. Sometimes I like dressing in dresses and wearing makeup but I’d rather be masculine while doing it. I don’t see those things as gendered. It’s very confusing and I’m not sure I’m making sense.
If a woman is more masculine that is fine. That’s my mom really and that’s great. But it isn’t me.

And my friends are loving people but I worry. If I can’t go to my close friends wedding cuz she’s a lesbian, am I a bad friend? Would she still want to be my friend? Things like that.

I’m on my phone and I think I covered a lot. I want to thank everyone for the replies! I will try my best to keep up with this.

 

[Annie]

The problem comes in where I’d have to change my life and maybe lose my friends

That can be a tough thought. My husband threatened to divorce me when I returned to the Faith.

On the other hand, maybe you can present your change in a different way. Why would your friends leave you? Would it be because they would be scared you would condemn them? You could end up being a light or bridge for them instead?

Right now, you are exploring questions in your own life: can you share that with them, like saying, “I’ve been thinking a lot about God lately…”? As opposed to springing on them that you are thinking of becoming a strict conservative Catholic, doncha know

sometimes I like being feminine.

I have to admit that I am bemused by this. It seems like in this day and age no one really cares whether women act in a “feminine” way. Women are everywhere, certainly in white-collar jobs and it is not unusual to find women police officers, mechanics, construction workers, etc. And certainly many women like “typically male” activities like sports and stuff.

Maybe I am missing something…

I already struggle with bad mental illness including deep depression. I don’t need to make it worse.
(Of course maybe finding my way back to Catholicism could help. I don’t know.)

Naturally I think returning to the Faith would be helpful in this area, but I am biased I also think it would not be enough. Even cradle Catholics who have never left the Faith have had problems with mental illness, even some saints!

If I were you, I would definitely take steps to help the mental illnesses.

And I would continue to look into returning to the Church. Talk with a good priest, attend Mass (without receiving until you are ready for and have been to Confession [at many parishes you just go through the line with your arms crossed and they may even give you a blessing]), read and learn more about Catholicism, even start to pray?

And of course you can ask a lot of questions here

 

[Annie]

I’m only genderqueer because of my bad exes who make me not want to be a woman.

Your friend may have a point. Sometimes bad relationships can cause us to want to protect ourselves and we veer away from that which we see as making ourselves vulnerable.

These are issues you could explore with a counselor or therapist.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

It seems like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself. From your post it sounds like you’re making things more complicated than they need to be. I don’t know what your idea of being Catholic is, but it seems like you’re making it to be something incredibly difficult. It’s not. The Church is described as a hospital for sinners. You’re acting like you need to be healthy before you check into the hospital.

Anyway, I’m sure there’s a lot of stuff that you might need to work out from your conservative Catholic upbringing conflicting with the circumstances that you have in your life now. But I could be wrong since I don’t know exactly what you mean by “conservative”. One person’s conservative is another person’s liberal.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

And my friends are loving people but I worry. If I can’t go to my close friends wedding cuz she’s a lesbian, am I a bad friend? Would she still want to be my friend? Things like that.

Here’s the thing, it would be wrong and uncharitable for someone to try to pull the rug out from under you at such a vulnerable point in your life. No one would ask you to give up your friends anyway.

 

[Justin_Mary]

I debate being a liberal catholic. But I can’t do it because I was raised that the only way to be Catholic is to be strict and conservative. If you aren’t, you aren’t really catholic is what I was taught so intensely.

How often do you pray?

Read this pdf.

 

[Socrates92]

o, what do you all make of this? Am I just a mess?

Probably, but I wouldn’t make a big deal out of that; most of us are. It’s nothing that can’t be remedied if you take the right steps. Going to talk to that priest is a good start.

 

[Socrates92]

The problem comes in where I’d have to change my life and maybe lose my friends. None of my friends are the way I was raised, even the two who were also raised that way. If suddenly I reverted I don’t think they’d put up with me and I never got along with other Catholic kids who actually believe it all. I’m afraid I’ll be all alone. Sure if God is real, in theory it’d be worth it in the end. But I guess I’m too afraid to take that risk.

What type of area do you live in? Rurul or urban? Is it one with lots of churches where there could be young adults groups? If so, that would be a good thing to look into. Genuine friendship based on shared values is absolutely essential for most people, even just sanity’s sake. Chances are, even if you’re afraid of losing them, having friends that don’t see eye-to-eye on essential things doesn’t really satisfy you.

 

[Chistian-ity]

The way to be Catholic is not to have this political stance or this one, it is to adhere to the teachings of the Bible. To seek to glorify God in all you do. God is many things but he is not a Liberal, nor a Conservative. I suppose the best way is to be neither, and instead to be a “Biblical” :+1:t2: