I alienated my brother

[hannajomar]

I might just need to vent, but any insight you can offer would be appreciated as well.

My brother and his wife (who married in the Catholic Church) asked me to be god mother of their first son. I agreed, knowing they practiced their Catholic faith little, if at all. A few months after the baptism, they began “church shopping” and are now members of a “non-denominational” Christian church. They recently invited me to a dedication of their youngest son (this church doesn’t believe in infant baptism). I simply told my brother that I had promised God to help raise #1 son in the Catholic Church, and I could not in good conscience go to a ceremony that celebrates my brother bringing his family to another church.

I believe he is offended by this and now there is a noticeable tension between us. Before this, we would talk about faith issues, as long as our faith was congruent. I’ve heard he and his wife say things regarding other issues that Christians should just focus on what we have in common, not what separates us. He took my decision as my lack of support of his faith.

I could list a dozen reasons why I am “right” in this conflict. But I’m not trying to win a debate. I just want peace in my family with a mutual respect for each other’s beliefs and practices. Of course I want him and his family back in full communion with the Catholic Church, but I know from my own experience that conversion happens at the hands of God, not as a result of my impatience. So for now, I want to be able to disagree without being angry at each other. I might have made the matter worse by telling him of my decision through email instead of a phone call. I am very likely to see him on Sunday, and God-willing will have a chance to discuss this with him. Any ideas on how make this a peaceful situation as opposed to Christians fighting with each other?

 

[Trishie]

It’s very sad that you have been put in this position.
You are standing by your promises before God.
I don’t know what to say, except that I will pray for you, your brother and his wife, and your godson; and to ask if you feel you can speak to your priest about this situation?

 

[Julia_Mae]

Any ideas on how make this a peaceful situation as opposed to Christians fighting with each other?

I think you did exactly what you needed to do. I think email is good, because it prevented an emotional blow-up at the time that could have been worse. The answer to "how to make this a peaceful situation " is: you can’t.

You can control you and your choices. If he is going to be angry, he is. If his wife is, she is. If you want to avoid “Christians fighting with each other” don’t fight. If he brings it up say, “I understand what you are saying.” If he asks if he has the right to bring up his child as he wishes say “I wasn’t saying anything about your rights, I can only do what I need to do.” Change subject, be pleasant, avoid topic of religion, pray for Godchild and his/her parents.

wait

This is new. It’s a wound. Give it time. Give up all control to Jesus Who said, “My power is made perfect in weakness.” Let go.

 

[TheWatcher]

Was he just inviting you to the ceremony or was he asking you to participate?

Would you have went if he were getting married (instead of being already married with children) in a non-Catholic church?

Michelle Arnold writes about marriage in non-Catholic churches in the “Ask An Apologist” section. (bold mine)

• The Church does not explicitly forbid Catholics from attending presumptively-invalid marriages. Catholics must use their own prudential judgment in making the decision, keeping in mind the need to uphold the Catholic understanding of the sanctity of marriage. **One rule of thumb that may be helpful in making such decisions might be to ask yourself if you believe the couple is doing the best that they can to act honorably and according to the truth that they have. **So, for example, you might decide to attend the presumptively-invalid wedding of a couple who is expecting a child; but decline to attend the presumptively-invalid wedding of a couple who have engaged in adultery and destroyed previous marriages and families.
• While there may be just reason to attend a particular wedding that will be presumptively-invalid, I cannot recommend participating as a member of the wedding party in such weddings. There is a difference between attending as a non-participating observer and actively involving yourself in the wedding as an honor attendant.

Using the same logic, it might be okay to attend but definitely not okay to have a role.

 

[odhiambo]

Do not regret your action in pointing out to your brother where he went wrong, you were right to do that. God first before family , right?
Pray for your brother and his family and leave the rest to God.
Be yourself with him. If there is any tension on his part, then try and ease that, letting him know that though you do not agree with his chosen path, the two of you are still brothers.

 

[bmullins]

You stood with him and his wife as you said the words of the ceremony that you would raise the child in the Catholic faith. No matter what faith your brother is now, he should realize that you take yours seriously and that you weren’t speaking empty words. Give him time. Pray for him. And be the best example of a Catholic you can be for your Godchild so that they can see what your faith is.

 

[Sherry_G]

YOu did the right thing. If your brother thinks about this (and he will) he will have to come to the same conclusion as you did. Once Catholic, always Catholic. He may feel angry that you have shined a light on his shortcoming, regarding his responsibility toward his child. Just let it rest now. You can pray for your God child and for your brother, too. Many a Catholic has gone searching for an easier path as being Catholic is really hard in some practical ways (like birth control, and Sunday obligation, and receiving absolution from a priest, etc.) Doing the right thing can cause some problems with those who decide to do otherwise. In time, your brother will thank you for being so honest and forthright with him.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Non compromising the Truth does alienate people. I agree with posters who say you did nothing wrong. Your brother’s choices are his own and you are not in any way obliged to support them in this particular case. I think you handled the matter in a graceful and respectful way. If he is going to sulk, that is unfortunate but you are not responsible for his behaviour. Perhaps explaining your decision when you see him will help, but I suggest you don’t dwell on it too much. You can’t make him come to his senses, but only show a good example of being faithful to God and sticking to promises we make.

 

[cmscms]

He took my decision as my lack of support of his faith.

Of course he took it that way ! It is EXACTLY what you are doing and GOOD for you for it !

 

[hannajomar]

Thanks for all the words of encouragement, everyone.

While visiting them this weekend, I was able to steal a private moment with my sister-in-law. I think they pretty much have the philosophy that “aren’t we all just Christians…” She told me she doesn’t get too hung up on theology, and doesn’t like to talk about differences between faiths, only what we have in common. I thought to myself that I can’t explain why I didn’t come if I can’t talk about differences. She did tell me she didn’t know that much about the Catholic faith, which is why they were so put-off when I first informed them I wouldn’t be attending. That is very sad, since she went to Catholic school, and doesn’t appear to have been catechized very well. (My brother also went to Catholic school through 7th grade and wasn’t Catechized well either.) She talked it over with her uncle who is a practicing Catholic, so it seems as if she at least minimally understands my decision.

It was a very strange conversation to me, and left me kind of mentally exhausted, because so much of it just didn’t make logical sense to me. As a Catholic, I don’t understand how theology can be unimportant or how any topic of discussion can be off limits. But I do believe it’s smoothed over. So for that I’m thankful.

She also told me that when they had their first son baptized in the Catholic Church, they already decided to look for another faith. Had I known that at the time, I would not have agreed to be god mother. No, I didn’t tell her that. It’s water under the bridge at this point.

All things point us to God’s Glory.

 

[hannajomar]

Was he just inviting you to the ceremony or was he asking you to participate?

Would you have went if he were getting married (instead of being already married with children) in a non-Catholic church?

Michelle Arnold writes about marriage in non-Catholic churches in the “Ask An Apologist” section. (bold mine)

Using the same logic, it might be okay to attend but definitely not okay to have a role.

Thanks for the reserch. I actually did submit this in question form to “Ask an Apologist,” but never heard anything back. I had actually already made my decision, but I was curious if there was any documentation to back it up.

I don’t know of any specific rule about God-parents attending an infant dedication ceremony of a brother of God-son at another church. But I know that on the day I became God-mother, I consciously promised God - with my words and in my heart - that I would help to raise him in the Catholic Church. For me, going to ceremony which celebrates something contrary to that just doesn’t jive for me. It just seems inconsistent. Ironically, my brother and sister-in-law were the ones who asked me to make this promise and then became hurt when I told them I was staying true to that promise.

If I wasn’t God-mother, I don’t know if I would have gone or not.