I always get a little uptight at the thought of attending a non-Catholic funeral.

[Publisher]

I have been to quite a few funerals…more in the last 10 years or so as more people close to my age are dying. Not too long ago a good friend of mine called to talk…his mom had just died…and the month before that his uncle…and two weeks before that his childhood friend…I reminded him that we’re not spring chickens any longer and the older he gets the more often he’ll be facing the deaths of those who he is close to.

I have attended Catholic funerals…they have been very respectful and solumn toward the deceased.

I have attended a couple Evangelical Protestant funerals…and while there was a pall of sadness…there also was a theme of hope…even a few praise songs…one in particular was a band and vocalists singing the opening song from the album “City of Gold”. The wife of a deceased pastor friend of mine gave the homily…one filled with joy of a life dedicated to Christ and a certain hope that we shall see him again.

I have attended a few Friends Memorial Meeting…and experienced the sad sweetness of saying good-bye…for now.

Funerals are not known for their joy…I have attended a few where they almost bordered on a “praise service” as the deceased fought a valiant battle with cancer and they suffered greatly in the final few weeks of their lives.

I have been asked to preside at a funeral for a suicide…that was one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do…how to offer hope when the deceased was in such despair they could no longer find hope…we must place them in God’s Hands…where Hope resides and trust.

No, funerals are not usually happy events…I think many of us are “uptight”…funerals remind us of our own mortality…at a funeral we must face the reality of death.

 

[Jimmy_B]

When I was younger, going to a non-Catholic funeral didn’t bother me, then again, I wasn’t as “Catholic” as I am now… I’ve attended some non-Catholic police funerals in the 80"s that a thought were very respectful, moving and reverent. I went to one recently, where there was a nice, upbeat, highlight music video played showing the decease’s life captured in photos, taken over the years.

I guess my concerns comes from some recent funerals that I have attended, where I was irritated as a Catholic, by some comments made by an obviously anti-Catholic minister.

Here is an example, a couple years ago, I attended one of by buddy’s funerals, actually, I attended two funerals for him, one was Catholic and the other was Protestant. It was as if his family and friends were fighting over his soul.

At his Protestant funeral, held after the Catholic funeral, I sat through three hours of personalizing and anti-Catholic comments. This particular Protestant minister new that my friend was Catholic and that he had, had a Catholic funeral a couple days prior and it was apparent by her comments that she was anti-Catholic .

In a few days, I will be attending a funeral for one of my wife’s relatives, were the deceased comes from a Catholic family and is having an Evangelical funeral and I’m not looking forward to it. I know that there will be some tension there, because there will be relatives there who are devout Catholics…one being her father.

I don’t believe that my comments here are caused by any anti-Protestant feelings, they are caused by some anti-Catholic experiences that I have had in my past, which have occurred at Protestant funerals.

I agree with most of the comments here so far and some here have given me some insight, and a better way to view this upcoming event…thank you.
For those here who were a little harsh, after this post, do you still believe that my feelings are unfounded?

 

[benidict]

Does ANYONE here ever consider that there are other denominations, faiths and religions who actually believe that they are right in their beliefs and you are wrong?

There is nothing to stop you from going to a funeral, thanking God for the life of your friend or relative, and above all else showing some respect for somebody else’s beliefs and points of view.

Think about it this way. They will either know the truth, or know nothing because death is oblivion.

You should get up tight about your own funeral.

yes you are right. caskets give me the creeps. therefore im going to be cremated. read too much edgar allen poe as a teenager. the only thing that is really gonna be a downer about death is no pizza… i can live without much else. but i do loooove my pizza! peace

 

[graceandglory]

And, to the OP, yeah, even when I was Protestant, I wasn’t a fan of the Protestant funerals. I don’t know if I’ve ever been to a non-Christian funeral…

Ditto. I was raised Catholic, and funeral Masses had so much meaning and significance. When I was an evangelical, they were “memorial services.” Go and watch a slide show with a moving song, hear a friend sing a moving song, and listen to friends tell their moving stories about the deceased.

Now, I’m Catholic and understand the work of mercy, “Bury the dead.”

What happens when your former protestant buddy becomes a witch and dies?

Seriously? My former buddy died last week, and it turns out that she walked away from Christ to become a practicing Wiccan. Do the Christian (Catholic and Protestant) friends go to the memorial of a witch?

The family is poor. Can I step up and offer my parish as a venue? How do we practice this corporal work of mercy?

 

[PhilotheaZ]

Now, I’m Catholic and understand the work of mercy, “Bury the dead.”

What happens when your former protestant buddy becomes a witch and dies?

Seriously? My former buddy died last week, and it turns out that she walked away from Christ to become a practicing Wiccan. Do the Christian (Catholic and Protestant) friends go to the memorial of a witch?

The family is poor. Can I step up and offer my parish as a venue? How do we practice this corporal work of mercy?

I would not attend if any Wiccan ceremonies would take place. If it were just to be a remembrance of her life, that might be OK. (Keep in mind that no matter how much people try to “canonize” this person at the memorial service, she may be greatly in need of our prayers.)

The best way to practic this corporal work of mercy is to pray for her, offer your own Masses and Communions for her, and have Masses offered for the repose of your friend’s soul. You can request this at your Catholic parish office, or with a Catholic religious order. I would say, the more Masses the better. It is never too late. Since God works outside the constraints of time, your prayers now can help bring about your friend’s final repentance (God knew before your friend died that you would be praying for your friend now).

 

[MyRdmrLvs]

Non-catholic funerals are so drab and lame. The best part comes when the local Freemasons are there and recite their mumbo-jumbo over the deceased - there is never a word about God or a personal Savior in Jesus Christ. I don’t even know why protestants have wakes.

I have been to several protestant funerals, I have never seen any freemason mumbo jumbo. I think we can all be uncomfortable if we are surounded by people who we know have different beliefs and unusual customs. I do think you are there for the living and not for the dead.

 

[Silence_Dogood_1]

Non-catholic funerals are so drab and lame. The best part comes when the local Freemasons are there and recite their mumbo-jumbo over the deceased - there is never a word about God or a personal Savior in Jesus Christ.

That’s interesting because I’ve been to many Protestant funerals but have never been to one where the Gospel wasn’t preached. I’ve never seen Freemasons at a funeral, either.

 

[graceandglory]

I would not attend if any Wiccan ceremonies would take place. If it were just to be a remembrance of her life, that might be OK. (Keep in mind that no matter how much people try to “canonize” this person at the memorial service, she may be greatly in need of our prayers.)

The best way to practic this corporal work of mercy is to pray for her, offer your own Masses and Communions for her, and have Masses offered for the repose of your friend’s soul. You can request this at your Catholic parish office, or with a Catholic religious order. I would say, the more Masses the better. It is never too late. Since God works outside the constraints of time, your prayers now can help bring about your friend’s final repentance (God knew before your friend died that you would be praying for your friend now).

Yikes. I didn’t act fast enough with my own parish. I thought the idea of seeing if the church hall was available would have been good. Here is where it will be. It makes me nervous.

lotusseed.org/index.html

 

[PhilotheaZ]

Yikes. I didn’t act fast enough with my own parish. I thought the idea of seeing if the church hall was available would have been good. Here is where it will be. It makes me nervous.

lotusseed.org/index.html

Personally I would avoid it like the plague. Send a nice card, offer your prayers.

 

[Silence_Dogood_1]

(name removed by moderator):

not sure still if Peary was been serious with that remark or maybe a bit satirical about some Catholic perceptions of Protestant funerals.

Sadly, given some of the things I’ve seen and heard Catholics say about us, I’m pretty sure he was being sincere.

 

[ocleirbj]

As I understand it, Catholics used to be forbidden, or at least actively discouraged, from attending non-Catholic services of any kind. If they did go, they were not supposed to join in the prayers, even silently. My own wedding 30+ years ago was Anglican, because that’s what I was back then [though with all the proper dispensations and a Franciscan priest participating], and I believe that it was the first time that my Irish mother-in-law had ever been inside a non-Catholic church.

(To her eternal credit, she said nothing to me or my family about it, although there is a photo of her looking on as we signed the register looking VERY severe. I was so pleased to surprise her a few years later with the news that I was about to be confirmed and received into the Catholic church - she was amazed! )

There is a great difference in Protestant services between a liturgical church such as Anglican [aka Episcopal] and evangelical or “Bible churches” that don’t use written texts but rely on the minister for the form of service and for the spontaneous prayers.

E.g., I was at my aunt’s Anglican funeral last week, which was taken mostly from the Prayer Book and included the reading of psalms, with Ps 23 by the whole congregation, two scripture readings, three hymns, responsive prayers led by the minister, with the Our Father by everyone, and a 10-minute biography with appreciative comments by her son and daughter, followed by about 3 sentences of comfort and affirmation of her faith from the minister. It lasted about 30-40 minutes.

By contrast, at the Baptist funeral of a friend’s 20-year-old son, which lasted well over an hour, there were some hymns sung by all, and others by a choir, a scripture reading, a longish sermon [30+ minutes - not so long by some Protestant standards ] and two eulogies, about 10 minutes each. The minister prayed several times, extempore. Like many evangelical services I have attended, the congregation stayed silent except for singing and saying “Amen”. Also, in keeping with their tradition of never missing an opportunity with a captive audience, the sermon was aimed at preaching the gospel to the unsaved, with only a little about the deceased or the scripture that had just been read. *

I have also been to “non-denominational” and “humanist” funerals, which included music, readings and ceremonies of various kinds, and always at least one eulogy, usually more - sometimes they took up nearly the whole time.

What all these have in common is that they give the bereaved family and friends an opportunity to remember, honour and say goodbye to the deceased person, formally and publicly. This meets a real need that everyone has when someone dies, and I think that people who say that they don’t want a funeral are actually doing a disservice to those who love them even if they don’t recognize it [but this is a topic for another day].

Where these services differ is in the purpose, or focus of the service. First, it used to be that the main purpose of funerals was the reverent disposal of the remains. This is still the case for Catholic funerals, and of course many other churches too. But what we now often see is a private cremation or burial followed later by a public “memorial service”. It seems like the body is hustled out of sight as soon as decently possible, and the service is all about being a joyful “celebration” rather than sadness or loss. For Christians, grief and sorrow are appropriate responses to death, and shouldn’t be denied or hidden away.

Christian services in general see the deceased as in the presence of Christ, and this hope, for them and for ourselves, is what balances our feelings of sorrow and gives them context. As I have observed it, the Catholic mass is offered for the continued purification of their soul to fit them eventually for heaven, while evangelical services, especially for known believers, talk about them as being already with the Lord [no purgatory here]. Secular services speak vaguely about their future state, usually in “heaven” or some other generalized good place. I think that because they have no specific faith in a life to come, they have to find joy only in this life, and their services are much more focussed on remembering the person’s life and comforting the bereaved than on the state of their soul.

These differences in form and focus can make it difficult to go to a service in a tradition other than one’s own. I know that I don’t really like going to a funeral service without the body present, since it seems so Gnostic, as if it were denying the reality of our incarnate existence. Catholics notice the lack of prayers for the person’s soul in a Protestant service, while Protestants in their turn find this scandalous, and both would feel the spiritual emptiness and lack of any prayer in a secular service. At the Baptist funeral I went to, I felt like I was in an audience rather than a participating congregation, because I missed the more interactive nature of a liturgically based service.

However, I think that these things are trivial, personal complaints, and not a good reason to keep me or any Christian from going to be with with those who have lost someone dear to them, to grieve with them in whatever way they do it, and to pray for them. As for the Wiccan funeral, I know that I am so persistently curious that I would have to go, just to see what they do. And of course, to pray for the person’s soul, because chances are, no one else there will be doing that.*

 

[allybear]

I’ve been to plenty (I was raised in a variety of Protestant denominations; my family is all over the map religiously - Catholics, Protestants of various stripes, and Jews; and living in New York, you end up with all types of friends). I don’t know if I get any more or less uptight at a non-Catholic funeral - I wouldn’t want to do the “wrong thing” in terms of standing, sitting, singing (or not), etc., but otherwise, it’s always a sad event because someone’s passed and we have to hope that it will be a happy event for them and that somehow they will end up with Our Lord.

 

[SteveVH]

No one does a funeral like the CC. I am a music minister and so have led music at many Catholic funerals. My opinion is that the Mass of Ressurection is the most beautiful Mass there is. I have been to many Protestant funerals also, which is more of a remembering of the person’s life than anything else. The Mass is so profound in comparison. It is where each of us will end up someday. It is also a time when many who would otherwise not be in Church actually attend. I’m always curious as to whether or not it may make a difference in their lives.

 

[Maria65]

I went to an Orthodox funeral once, that of my Orthodox godmother. It was open casket, and I don’t think I was prepared for that. Everyone filed past the casket and I couldn’t tell if they were kissing her hands or the cross she held in them, but it made me really, really uncomfortable. I know our culture nowadays keeps us pretty much separated from death, so it was my first contact with a corpse, and that was really weird for me. Also, the wizened little person in the coffin didn’t bear any resemblance to my godmother, so that didn’t help.

My godfather got up and told about her life and how they met when they were teenagers, and I learned a lot about her life I hadn’t known. And I think it meant a lot to him that I was there, so I’m glad I went.

 

[daeve]

Non-catholic funerals are so drab and lame. The best part comes when the local Freemasons are there and recite their mumbo-jumbo over the deceased - there is never a word about God or a personal Savior in Jesus Christ. I don’t even know why protestants have wakes.

Lame? I haven’t been to a lot or Protestant funerals, but never one I’d call lame.

My sister’s mother-in-law’s funeral was at the funeral parlor, then to the National Cemetery here, then we went to the church where one of her sons is a member, United Church of Christ, for a very nice lunch the ladies of the congregation prepared. Each of the children got up and said a few words, one of the grandchildren sang a hymn I didn’t know, and a daughter-in-law who is a UCC minister conducted the prayer service part. I actually cried my eyes out. A friend’s husband was Baptist and a singer in the worship band at their church. He was buried in the cemetery at a tiny little church in his home town. He was a veteran, and the coffin was very patriotic looking, with eagles on the corners, a flag, and even the flowers were red, white and blue. His sister, their pastor and another person sang some beautiful old time hymns like Old Rugged Cross, and their son gave the most beautiful eulogy I’ve ever heard. The church was packed with people who loved him. A very lovely and moving funeral, again crying my eyes out. I’m a big fan of gospel music, and I knew a few of the songs and sang along. In the churchyard, there was a bagpiper and some soldiers who fired a salute. Really nice. My father’s father was a Mason, and all I can really remember is a service at the funeral parlor with carnations and evergreens that seemed nice to me when I was 9, and a nun at school giving me serious grief for going to a non-Catholic funeral. I certainly didn’t find any of it drab, just different. They’re more like a meeting with some singing and praying thrown in. I’ve always felt comfortable and welcome at other churches’ services. I have some friends who belong to a church just called Christian, and I usually spend one night at their house each summer and go to Mass at St. Columba’s then hoof over to Sullivan Christian Church to meet them. We generally have brunch at the country club with several members of their congregation and the pastor. Last year the priest from St. Columba’s joined us for a while too. Small town, very cozy.

My UCC brother-in-law was uncomfortable at a couple family funerals because he just didn’t know what was going on. Our funeral Masses are very formal and ritual-ized, and not what he’s used to at all. My DIL has never been involved in any kind of church, and my aunt’s funeral fascinated her. The church itself is very old fashioned and gothic, and the service was quite traditional except for a couple of annoying things. She was too distressed at my mother’s funeral to really notice anything, but was able to pay attention the next time.