I am a virgin and she isn't. What do I do?

[BigVogel]

I recently been struggling with a certain issue. I was in a relationship with a girl over the past little while and have broken it off in order to discern my vocation. I entered the seminary and am doing my best to figure out where God wants me to help out in the Kingdom of God. A question was very prevalent in my mind while I was dating this girl. It was about her purity in the past. I was struggling and can say that I currently am with the fact that she went through some troubling years in her life prior before we met and her conversion. Since then she has led a very chaste life. One night, at the beginning of our relationship, she had told me all that she used to do, especially after her losing her virginity to a guy in her junior year of high school. She continued to have sex on a regular basis for at least 4 months. She wanted to be honest with me from the beginning. Four or so months down the road, the night we broke up, she told me everything because it was the first time I really asked. We knew we were going to so I could discern my vocation. Her impurity in the past was not the cause. I cared for her just the same before and after I heard about what she had done. She had already gotten the big stuff out, but I had no idea she had sex so many times and had done so much other stuff before we had met. Now I care about this girl a lot and if the Lord calls me to married life I could see myself getting married to her. But my heart burns from within me that on our wedding night she can not give me that gift. I have been very chaste in all my relationships and have never had sex or have come close. Every time I think about the fact that she has had sex and has gone through so many years of impurity is really torturing my heart. I care about this girl deeply and I personally was wondering what help you could offer me in this area. I was wondering if you had a book or someone else you could recommend to me on the subject. Even any articles, personal advise, etc whatever that could help me out of this little slump I am in. For some reason this has really brought me down over the past couple months and I hate that I have these negative connotations (when I picture my wedding night with her or someone maybe in the future of the sort) and it brings tears to my eyes that that gift is gone. Let me know what you can do; Thank you for you time and GOD BLESS!!!

PEACE of CHRIST

 

[Fr.Vincent_Serpa]

Dear BV,

Should you eventually discern that the Lord is calling you to marry this young woman, you will need to get out of your own way. The marriage bed is for the physical expression of the love expressed by the vows at the altar. Such love is more concerned about the other than about the self. In such a situation, the husband’s concern is about making his bride happy and not about his own hang-ups.

Certainly, she is a sinner. But so are you. All serious sin is detestable; not just sins of impurity. If you think that you simply cannot shake you feelings about her past, then you can know that you are not being called to marry this woman. She deserves a love that is directed toward her.

Further, if your heart is burning so over your relationship with her, I would seriously question your presence in a seminary. I don’t mean to be harsh. But maybe you need to wake up. Spend some quality time each day before our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. You are in my prayers.

Fr. Vincent Serpa, O.P.