I am an unaffirmed person, I think

[kristleful]

Is anyone familiar with Dr. Conrad Baars’ works on affirmation therapy and emotional deprivation disorder? Or, is anyone just really suffering from the fact that neither one of your parents loved you for who you are?

I feel really discouraged, and I don’t know what to do. I have low self-esteem, always looking for approval from other people, which makes me stifle my real emotions and opinions in order to be the “nice girl.” When I am one-on-one with someone, I’m able to act pretty normal, especially if he/she shows interest in getting to know me, but in large groups, I don’t speak. I feel so unsure of myself and awkward that I’d rather fade into the background and be forgotten than draw attention to myself. But yet, I hate being that way! I’d love to be able to socialize and have attention. In relationships, I get my feelings hurt way too easily… Everything makes me feel unloved, and when the guy tells me something nice about me, I have a hard time believing him, although I really want to believe him and I don’t want him to stop saying those things. I also go out of my way to do everything right in order to be the best girlfriend possible and make sure I don’t hurt his feelings. But then I feel awful because I can’t ever know for sure whether or not I really love him or if I love him because I need his love. I take care of all of my siblings and my mother’s problems, and I feel really guilty if I’m not doing everything I can to make them feel loved and be a good example to them as far as morals and faith are concerned. I care about people a lot and I really want to make a difference in their lives, but I’m so afraid that I’ll never really be able to help them if I don’t get healed myself first.

But there is no one here for me! My last boyfriend, who was the first and only person who I believe truly loved me for who I am, is discerning the religious life now and we struggle over whether it is appropriate to even talk to each other on the phone. He still loves me, and he can’t seem to stay away from me for longer than a few weeks, even though he’s been planning for half a year now to try the Dominican life for a whole year in order to “know” whether he’s called.

Dr. Conrad Baars, a Catholic psychologist using St. Thomas Aquinas’ spirituality, said that an unaffirmed person( every single one of whom’s symptoms I experience) can only truly be healed by the unconditional love of someone else. I am devastated and confused by this: Why would God allow such a wonderful young man to come into my life and give me this kind of love, and then take him away to be a Dominican? I actually have begun healing in so many ways during my time with him, but the feelings of being abandoned and unloved now (even though mentally I know he loves me and is not leaving me because I’m not good enough) are terrible. I’m trying so hard to trust God. But then again, I always try so hard with everything, and I’m tired.

Has anyone here ever felt like this, or feels like this? My mother is like this, too, but way worse than me, because she was very abused as a child. She tried to do better with me, but I was her first child and she made me her pal, and trained me to give her the love she needed. If I didn’t make her feel loved enough, even at 5 years old, she’d kick me out the front door and scream at me to find a new mother because I didn’t love her. I was desperate my whole childhood to please her, but I always failed, while my younger sister did absolutely nothing but got all the love.

Is there any hope for me? I want to be proud of who I am and not feel ashamed to need love myself. And I need to know that I can be a healthy person someday and not spend my whole life searching for love. I know beyond a doubt that God loves me, but where are the people to express God’s love for me tangibly?

 

[Trishie]

Yes, it seems that from a very young age you were called upon to affirm the very person who should have been affirming you. No wonder.
Darling girl I understand your vulnerability and trust issues, and how easily you can be knocked out of the sky. I was like that.** I’ll tell you my story so I have the greater power to reassure you, and anyone else who is as you are.**

I was from a large family, and when I was a toddler, one of three little ones [which later would later add 9 surviving children] my mother had a breakdown and was put into a nursing home…and in those days there were only orphanages as options if there weren’t family around to care for children when of course, the young father had to continue to work.

My father was the 'strong silent man" typical of many of his generation. My mother, just before she died, when I was 19, said, “After you were in the orphanage you never trusted me again.” I don’t remember the months ther, but I knew that no matter how hard I tried to please her it never felt enough. My family moved a considerable distance during my last year at college, so I remained behind to finish my matriculation year. The night I finaly flew inState and rejoined the family…

…my mother looked at me from across the kitchen and with her head to one side, and said, just, “Ah Trishie.” And I thought with surprise, “maybe Mum does love me.” It wasn’t that she didn’t do anything for me, she went to lengths at times, but she wasn’t affectionate nor ever do I recall her or my then private Dad say “I love you” to me [Dad does and can say I love you now].

My self esteem for years was awfully low. I could be okay ,one on one, sometimes. In company sometimes I couldn’t even answer if spoken to. Even at age five, while pretending to be asleep because I was supposed to be having a nap at the home of my parents’ friends, I head one adult say to the other, “She’s very polite.” the other replied, “Too polite.”

I was so lonely for so many years, even in marriage, because of course as can happen, I married someone with whom there was loneliness and years of rejection. Please God you will marry helpfully.

So I had to do it alone, and with God, learning to deal with trust issues, learning to be the enthusiastic and friendly person I am now. The first person I ‘knew’ loved me at age 19, was one sister. But then she moved far away. But it is is giving to others, thinking kindly of others and doing little things for them, putting at ease those in a church gathering who seem isolated, etc…in that way you grow to confidence and begin to become who you really are.

Yes, I came to be loved, not because I demanded it of them but because they can’t help it. My sons. While growing up and also in later years, they needed me, and confided in me, and I gave them all the love and care I possibly could. I love them so much. Always have. Their attitudes and love of me as adults now still at times almost puzzles me…but I know I am loved, and that if I died they’d make a tragedy of it, so I wouldn’t dare! It’s in my sons that I found that unconditional love…and I now know that my Dad loves me enormously too. And there are other family, including in my husband’s family, who love me.

I hope and pray you do the growing and recive the graces more quickly than I did.
But I hope my story encourages you and others who perhaps may be in your situation. With God’s help, and in living the Sacraments, and in living gospel love of others, you can grow into the unique person you really are.
Love, Trishie

 

[kage_ar]

Spend time every day looking at a crucifix. That is unconditional love. Living a life of gratitude for that love is what we are all called to do.

 

[blue_skies_1]

Dear Kristleful,

It does sound as though your relationship with your mum has made it harder for you to feel loved, and good about yourself. It’s so great though that you have your faith, the most amazing example of unconditional love there is. Try to remember that God loves YOU and died for YOU… and He chose to make specifically your unique soul because He wants you to be with Him for all eternity
I know, it’s so easy to believe that intellectually and it can be much harder to know it deep in your heart (I have this same struggle myself; in fact I do recognise aspects of myself in what you wrote). I’m sure that you are a praying person, and I can only suggest that you try to draw especially close to the Lord… meditate on His love for you, ask Him to help you really feel that you are loved. Spend time in His presence, i.e. at Mass and just praying in front of the Blessed Sacrament because it will help a lot. Just remember always, you are a beautiful, precious daughter of God!
It sounds as though your relationship with you mum may still be difficult… I do hope that things will get better, but try to draw close to your Blessed Mother too and feel her tender love for you.
And ask God to send loving people into your life who can help you to heal because there is no doubt that He is watching over you and taking the deepest interest in your life and your longings… He will send you what you need.
I’m sorry that you lost this boy who loved you, I still think though that it sounds as if knowing him was/is a healing thing for you. Even though it wasn’t possible to continue the relationship, nonetheless knowing him was a gift from God. He must be very special. Just think how much he must be praying for you, since he still loves you so much! It may not be the same as the day to day loving contact that you once shared but you are still loved, his prayers will be supporting you (in fact, why don’t you ask him to pray specifically for that?)
We all have wounds in our hearts and in a way, life is a process of healing those… clearly this is your big challenge, but as with Trishie, over time you will grow to be the person you really are inside - just keep going and don’t give up :hug3: And if there is anyone - a good female friend, an auntie, a brother or a sister - that makes you feel loved and good just from being with them, then try to spend more time with them and gradually your confidence and happiness will grow.

 

[chevalier]

Kristleful, God heals all wounds. My story isn’t material here, but if it does help you anything, like Trishie’s probably did… There’s not that much I could tell without giving away my identity, but I’ve had a very difficult time with various people for various reasons in my childhood and teen years. I once slept with a knife as a kid. I have a long story of being framed and habitually disbelieved because my words contradicted those of a couple of people. Hah, no point giving examples anyway. Suffice to say I came out rather jaded and with experience way beyond years in some matters, possibly behind in some others, rather peculiar overall. At one point I trusted God to heal me of all it and realised it was possible to heal, it was a disease, I didn’t want to cling to it (previously I saw it as a part of what I was). That was a Charismatic Renewal service, actually… Suffice to say as the Latin speaking guy I was feeling rather odd. Anyway, there’s no such thing that God couldn’t take away. I suppose it requires being ready to let go and that is sometimes difficult. I feel tremendous relief having let go of all the hurts, even though I’d previously declared forgiveness to all people involved in all things.

 

[Trishie]

Spend time every day looking at a crucifix. That is unconditional love. Living a life of gratitude for that love is what we are all called to do.

You are so right. Jesus loves her unconditionally.

 

[kristleful]

Thank you all for your advice and encouragement. Especially you, Trishie! Your story really helped me, and I am surprised, too, because you seem like such a beautiful, healthy, loving person! I never would have guessed you had such a sad past.

I’ve noticed everywhere on these posts that your words are so consoling, and even when the posts are for other people, I feel loved just reading them. I want to be like that, and I wish I knew you in person! And blue_skies, and the rest of you… I am thankful for all of you on this forum.

Yes, I know Jesus loves me unconditionally, and I run to Him every day for comfort. I sit in front of the Blessed Sacrament and refuse to leave until He has filled me up. I just wish that would last all day!

A couple of days ago, I was feeling really low. I sat in front of the lifesize crucifix outside my church, and I picked a dandelion. (I like to ask a question and then blow the dandelion. If all of the seeds blow off in one breath, then I like to consider it a “yes” answer, although I know it doesn’t really mean anything. I just do it for fun.) Well, that day I was feeling so awful and desperate that I asked Jesus, “Am I fine just the way I am?” But when I blew the dandelion, there were still three seeds left. I was already devastated by that point, so I just looked up at Jesus and resigned myself to the fact that I was not good enough. Then I looked back down at my dandelion, and only one seed was left. Then the last one flew away all by itself! That’s never happened before. I know it was a very silly thing, but I felt like Jesus was telling me He does love me just the way I am, and I don’t have to worry because He’ll take care of everything. He blew the last seeds off Himself! I felt very loved.

 

[blue_skies_1]

A couple of days ago, I was feeling really low. I sat in front of the lifesize crucifix outside my church, and I picked a dandelion. (I like to ask a question and then blow the dandelion. If all of the seeds blow off in one breath, then I like to consider it a “yes” answer, although I know it doesn’t really mean anything. I just do it for fun.) Well, that day I was feeling so awful and desperate that I asked Jesus, “Am I fine just the way I am?” But when I blew the dandelion, there were still three seeds left. I was already devastated by that point, so I just looked up at Jesus and resigned myself to the fact that I was not good enough. Then I looked back down at my dandelion, and only one seed was left. Then the last one flew away all by itself! That’s never happened before. I know it was a very silly thing, but I felt like Jesus was telling me He does love me just the way I am, and I don’t have to worry because He’ll take care of everything. He blew the last seeds off Himself! I felt very loved.

That’s lovely

 

[Lifeisamazing]

“Dr. Conrad Baars, a Catholic psychologist using St. Thomas Aquinas’ spirituality, said that an unaffirmed person( every single one of whom’s symptoms I experience) can only truly be healed by the unconditional love of someone else.”

I am not familiar with Dr. Baars, but I have a real problem with this statement. The thought that you can only be healed by another human being is ridiculous and dangerous!!!

I am not familiar with the “unaffirmed person” issue either. A lot of the behavior you are describing sounds like Codependency.

You must decide to learn new patterns of behavior. I would recommend you see a counselor. If you are a minor, or without insurance, please go talk to your priest for help in seeking out some of the wonderful free services the Catholic Church can help you with. God bless you and best wishes!

 

[sheilathebard]

I would be very interested in hearing more about this! I have many of the same problems you describe.

I had very low self-esteem as a child (self-esteem, by the way, is very different from pride), perhaps because of the way I was raised. Then I had several years of a very traumatic experience, which I probably had better not talk about here (it was an emotionally damaging experience with a Catholic group – and I don’t exactly want to start a debate here about the trauma I’ve received). When I was back with my family again, I could barely speak to strangers at all. That was eight years ago, but I still find myself second-guessing the nice things people say and do – assuming that they feel sorry for me, or that they feel they should, instead of that they actually like me for who I am.

If unconditional love is the solution, that might explain why I’m doing better. I am engaged now to a wonderful person, and he understands me well enough to know it’s important sometimes to remind me that he thinks I’m good enough.

Another solution which you may find helpful, though, is to find a place where you are needed. Working with children is one way, and finding out people who have similar problems to yours is another. I have one friend who has been suffering with an emotionally abusive family situation, and I find there is nothing that affirms me so much as spending time with her, bringing her up and offering her the love she’s been needing. Knowing that when I tell her, “You’re a great person and I like spending time with you,” I have made her day, makes me feel like I must be worthwhile, because I can really do some good. She feels the same, too – because she knows how much more affirmed we both are after spending time together.

When I was a teenager, it was my baby brother that helped me. He was utterly dependent on my care, and as he got old enough to talk, he never held back in his straightforward love and admiration. He thought I was a hero, his wonderful older sister. And I couldn’t doubt what he said, because he wasn’t old enough to try to flatter. I also was able to believe him because I knew I was helping him a lot.

It just helps to make a difference that you can see tangibly. It makes you feel like your existence is worthwhile – that you’re not pouring all your efforts into a vacuum because what you do will never be good enough. Think of George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life: if he had never been born, a lot of good things he’d done never would have happened. Do things for others, and then reflect that you are like George – being the kind of person who would leave a gap if she weren’t there.

Hope that helps. Do you have a link to anything about Conrad Baars?

To answer the previous poster, sometimes it is necessary to receive the love of a human being in order to believe in the love of God. For those of us who have received insufficient love in our lives, we have nothing with which to understand the love of God, which we cannot see. Human beings are not created independent – we rely on one another to teach us how to be what we need to be. If we don’t get the examples we need when we are young, we need to find them when we are older.

(Although, by the way, the line was “the love of someone else,” not “the love of another human being.” Don’t you think a deep awareness of being loved by God fits in this category? And wouldn’t you agree it’s the best way to be healed?)

I believe being unaffirmed and being codependent are similar things. They are just being defined by different psychological systems, in order to clarify the symptoms and offer better treatment.

 

[kristleful]

Sheila, I really liked what you said, and I’m glad your self-esteem is getting better. I know what you mean about it making you feel worthwhile to help others… But somehow, I feel like as long as I have this problem with really low self-worth–being unaffirmed–I can’t know for sure if I’m truly giving of myself to others. You know? I love to help other people, too, and make them feel loved. My younger siblings say I’m the only person in the world they know for sure will always be there for them. That means a lot to me, and I love caring for them. I also work with the mentally disabled every day, and I love it! But yet, I don’t want to get my self-worth from what I do for others. I want it to be a free gift, having nothing to do with my own needs. I know that in the long run, helping others does not truly strengthen my self-worth anyway, because I’ve spent my whole life giving everything for my siblings and mother, friends and boyfriends, only to feel empty again when I’m alone. Also, when I try to help someone and it doesn’t work or backfires, it feels to me like a personal, miserable failure. I kind of think of it like this: If I put a lot of effort into getting a special present for someone, and they loved it, I would feel really happy and good about myself that I picked something for them they liked. But if they acted like it was no bit deal, should I get my feelings hurt? Well, if I truly gave that gift freely, in a healthy way, then no, my feelings would not be hurt. I would offer kindly to get them something else or just accept it and try to get them something better next time. I want my gifts to others to be about helping them, not about me feeling good.

I want to believe that even if I stopped doing anything for anyone else, I would be just as loveable and valuable a person–that God wouldn’t love me any less, whether I was incredibly selfish or totally selfless. Mentally, I do believe that. Feeling that is an entirely different thing. And many people tell me that feelings are not important; it’s what you know and will that counts. But that’s not true when it comes to my own self-image, because I can tell myself something over and over, but if I don’t feel it, it doesn’t work.

Something Dr. Baars stressed in his books really hit home for me: Feelings are important, and if they are not affirmed, then problems arise. Now I would be the first to object to what this seems to be saying, so let me clarify… Just because you have a feeling, doesn’t mean you have to act on it in order for it to be affirmed. No, he merely means that you can tell yourself (or someone else can tell you) that it’s okay to feel that way–your feeling is valid. You never have to be ashamed of a feeling. After all, a feeling is never a sin; it’s just what you do with that feeling that can become a possible sin. I’ve spent my whole life trying to kick out all of my negative feelings, because I “shouldn’t” feel that way; I should be grateful, I should be selfless, I should be humble… I guess my mother created me to be like that, because she used to sneer at me from the time I was 4 or 5 that I was the most prideful person she had ever met, and I better not think anything of myself or else I wouldn’t be humble. At that age, all the way through a teenager, if I was crying she’d glare at me and say, “You have till the count of three to stop crying, or else…” And I could turn off the most violent sobs in an instant, out of sheer terror and will power. If I ever felt the need to cry, I would lock my doors and hide in my closet, and if I heard my mom walk by my room, I’d hold my breath and my heart would pound in my chest. By the time I was a teenager, I had such exacting control and suppression of my emotions that I actually thought I didn’t have any. And then my mom would tell me, “You’re so unemotional. No man is going to be attracted to you, because you’re too much like a man, with no feelings.” That hurt so much, but I believed her.

When I left home for college, all of my emotions started erupting bit by bit until I was a chaotic, emotional wreck. Now they’ve settled down a bit, but I now know that I am actually the most sensitive, deeply feeling person in my family. But I fight my negative feelings and feel ashamed of them. After reading Dr. Baars’ books, I’ve started telling myself, “It’s okay to feel that way,” every time I am sad or have any negative feeling. It is amazing! That actually makes me feel so much better, and the negative feeling actually goes away pretty quickly! Before, it would just get worse the more I tried to push it away or prove to myself that it was illogical. As I do this, it actually makes me feel better about myself, too… I told myself the other day that it is okay to be shy, and I relaxed about the fact that I was probably not going to speak much to a girl I was about to meet. It was the first time in my life that I accepted that and felt totally okay about it instead of feeling bad about myself that I couldn’t be friendly and outgoing. Well, lo and behold, when I was introduced to the girl, I was perfectly myself and talked way more than she did! I am so thankful to God, and I really feel like it was a miracle. I think that He is helping me be affirmed by letting me see and tell myself that it really is okay to just be me and feel my own feelings.

I feel very hopeful about myself now. Sheila, there is very little info about Dr. Baars online… He died in the early 80’s, but his daughter, Susanne Baars, practices affirmation therapy in Dallas, TX still. I read his biography, Doctor of the Heart, and he led an amazing life, surviving a Nazi prison camp during his 20’s and such. Anyway, his website is www.conradbaars.com, but I would suggest reading *Born Only Once *to learn about his ideas and practice. It is so easy to read and not very long, and you can buy it on amazon.com really cheap.

 

[kristleful]

To answer the previous poster, sometimes it is necessary to receive the love of a human being in order to believe in the love of God. For those of us who have received insufficient love in our lives, we have nothing with which to understand the love of God, which we cannot see. Human beings are not created independent – we rely on one another to teach us how to be what we need to be. If we don’t get the examples we need when we are young, we need to find them when we are older.

(Although, by the way, the line was “the love of someone else,” not “the love of another human being.” Don’t you think a deep awareness of being loved by God fits in this category? And wouldn’t you agree it’s the best way to be healed?)

I believe being unaffirmed and being codependent are similar things. They are just being defined by different psychological systems, in order to clarify the symptoms and offer better treatment.

And this is pretty much exactly what I was going to say in response to Lifeisamazing’s post!

 

[Lifeisamazing]

And this is pretty much exactly what I was going to say in response to Lifeisamazing’s post!

Sorry if I misunderstood. When I hear, “the unconditional love of someone else” I have to assume you are speaking strictly in the human realm. And my concern was the “can only be healed by someone else’s unconditional love”.

Healing comes from within, not from the outside world. Christ is found within each of us, so to say “someone else” and to refer to Christ as “someone else” is a strange way to address the Christ our Lord in dialogue, thus the confusion.

 

[kristleful]

The Cocoon

If I could be an animal,
I’d be a butterfly
Sitting on a painted flower,
Mirroring the sky.

God would laugh to see me there
Watching life go by;
“Spread your wings,” He’d say to me
And, smiling, I would fly…

My wings would catch the sunshine
And, turning, I would share
The warmth I felt with everyone,
Love’ colors everywhere.

But, world, you do not see me—
I’m only a green worm
Stuck inside the very hope
Shame causes me to spurn.

Where is the sunshine? It is dark;
I can’t even see me.
I cannot move beyond these walls,
But just lie still and be.

I wait, alone, and wonder if
I’ll ever seen the sun.
But God knows where I am and smiles
At what I will become.

~Kristleful

 

[sheilathebard]

Oh, I really like that poem!

As far as helping others goes, I know it is not a whole solution. But knowing I am helping people, especially people who appreciate the help, is always a little light in my day.

Your words about crying locked in closets strike a cord with me … I used to lock myself in the basement bathroom and cry and cry, until I got to the point where I had a virtual “closet” inside myself and didn’t need to (and couldn’t) cry out loud. Thank goodness those times are over. “Not all tears are an evil,” as Gandalf would say.

I think that, until you know that even your negative emotions are okay, it’s hard to express any emotion, even positive emotion. You end up “unemotional” because you force yourself to disengage from your emotions. When you accept them and acknowledge them, it’s easier to be whole person.

I would love to get to the point where I don’t need the affirmation of others to be confident. However, it’s not that easy. Only last night I got very upset because of some minor criticism from my fiance. Still, I know I am improving, and the love I receive from those close to me is a big part of that. So is the love I give. There really is healing for all these hurts.

I think I will check around for a copy of that book. It sounds really helpful.

 

[Juama]

***Conrad Baars is great! I totally recommend ALL of his books! ***

His daugher Suzanne Baars was on Catholic Answers Live also!
You can download the programs for free!