I am dating a divorced Catholic... Should I refrain from communion?

[Shewho]

I have been dating a divorced Catholic for 4 years now… I just came into the Church this Easter, so I hadn’t previously been aware of the Church’s position on the issue. It recently hit me that there may be a problem with this since he hasn’t had his previous marriage annulled. (He was married to another Catholic in the Catholic Church and she left him.)

I don’t remember exactly what it was, but something that our priest said at the Sunday Mass prompted me to begin thinking about the issue in the light of him still being “married” from the Church’s perspective… and I began to wonder if this makes me an adulterer?

This is a man that I would very much like to spend my life with, but what do I do now? I am not, at this point, willing to break of the relationship. I cannot confess something that I’m unwilling to change. Should I refrain from taking communion? Do I need to ask him to seek an annulment? How does the level of physical and emotional intimacy affect this?

The closest thread that I’ve been able to find is here:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=360330&highlight=date+divorced

Does the fact that he was an unwilling divorcee have any bearing on the situation?

Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated.
Thank you.

 

[Cider]

Have you talked to him about this? Is he willing to go through the annulment process? I’d do that first, as his answers will determine the next steps to take and then discuss the situation with your priest.

In the meantime you shouldn’t be dating him, but you can spend time together as friends.

 

[agapewolf]

I have been dating a divorced Catholic for 4 years now… I just came into the Church this Easter, so I hadn’t previously been aware of the Church’s position on the issue. It recently hit me that there may be a problem with this since he hasn’t had his previous marriage annulled. (He was married to another Catholic in the Catholic Church and she left him.)

I don’t remember exactly what it was, but something that our priest said at the Sunday Mass prompted me to begin thinking about the issue in the light of him still being “married” from the Church’s perspective… and I began to wonder if this makes me an adulterer?

This is a man that I would very much like to spend my life with, but what do I do now? I am not, at this point, willing to break of the relationship. I cannot confess something that I’m unwilling to change. Should I refrain from taking communion? Do I need to ask him to seek an annulment? How does the level of physical and emotional intimacy affect this?

The closest thread that I’ve been able to find is here:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=360330&highlight=date+divorced

Does the fact that he was an unwilling divorcee have any bearing on the situation?

Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated.
Thank you.

So you would rather “break up” with Christ by stopping receiving the Eucharist than break up, maybe even only temporarily, from a man who is already married?

Can you please pray to see this in a different perspective?

 

[Shewho]

I broached the subject with him when the questions first surfaced, mainly asking the same things (is it considered wrong to date a divorced Catholic?)… but he didn’t really know the answers. He tends to focus on the basics of the faith (virgin birth, crucifixion, resurrection, etc.) rather than the other aspects of Church teaching.

I didn’t ask if he would be willing to look into getting an annulment, though I did mention that it usually takes 12-18 months min. We’ve talked about a possible future together and it our relationship seems to be heading in that direction, but marriage is not a given at this point as he’s incredibly occupied w/ law school and there’s still some pain left over from the divorce.

I am hesitant to ask if he would be willing to start the annulment process unless I am sure that he wants to get married. I hope this helps.

 

[agapewolf]

I broached the subject with him when the questions first surfaced, mainly asking the same things (is it considered wrong to date a divorced Catholic?)… but he didn’t really know the answers. He tends to focus on the basics of the faith (virgin birth, crucifixion, resurrection, etc.) rather than the other aspects of Church teaching.

I didn’t ask if he would be willing to look into getting an annulment, though I did mention that it usually takes 12-18 months min. We’ve talked about a possible future together and it our relationship seems to be heading in that direction, but marriage is not a given at this point as he’s incredibly occupied w/ law school and there’s still some pain left over from the divorce.

I am hesitant to ask if he would be willing to start the annulment process unless I am sure that he wants to get married. I hope this helps.

No, it doesnt. The purpose of dating is to find a spouse. You’ve been dating for 4 years. By this time you should know if this is the person you can marry or not.

He is a married man!

Again, you say you are willing to break up with Christ, but not with him. Please think about this.

 

[VivienneJ]

Shewho, this sounds like the possible beginning of a very painful experience. Agapewolf has asked a searching question which may help you to see this situation in perspective in relation to yourself.

I would like to offer you another thought. You love this man, and you care about his well-being? In the eyes of God he is a married man until his marriage has been properly investigated and that will only change if the marriage tribunal finds that the marriage he attempted was not a sacramental marriage in the first place, a decree of nullity will be issued to him. He is only free to date once that has been done. The sanctity of marriage is one of the basics of the Catholic faith. Encouraging him to seek this decree would be showing how much you care for him and his immortal soul as well as any relationship between the two of you or between him and any other woman.

Please think deeply about this and its implications for both of you and prayerfully seek God’s guidance. Talk to your priest about this and heed his advice.

 

[Seatuck]

You should seriously think about putting the relationship on hold or at least severely limit it until you know what the status of his marriage is. This is a seriously grave situation for both of your souls. Especially if there is a sexual relationship going on.

Please do go speak to your priest.
Refrain from communion if you are conscious of a mortal sin.

Sometimes God puts people in our lives for a reason. You should be able to speak to your boyfriend about immediately seeking to find out if his previous marriage was null or not. The Holy Spirit is probably nudging you to make this issue front and center for your boyfriend so he can do something about it.

There’s a book you can give him by Michael C Foster called The Wedding That Was. He of course can speak to a priest right away as well.

As Catholics we are supposed to pick future spouses who will help us get to heaven and to be the best people that we are meant to be. Carefully examine this relationship to see if that is the case for both of you . At this moment , it is doubtful.

It is difficult for me to understand that a new convert would give up union with Christ at this point … Praying for you .

 

[Shewho]

I just spoke to my parish Priest. He couldn’t tell me whether I should take communion or not, if I decided to continue the relationship. He basically said that I needed to do according to my conscience, and encouraged me to further discuss the issue with my boyfriend and then talk to him again about the results of our discussion.

Vivi, thank you very much for your (name removed by moderator)ut and compassion. I am really hoping that this does not end up being a painful experience, though it has already been tearing me up inside.

Seatuck, my biggest question is whether continuing this relationship would be a mortal sin. I still don’t know the answer to that. Our relationship has been in good conscience thus far, but I don’t know if continuing it now would cause me to break communion with the Church.

I considered myself a non-denominational Protestant before I converted, so I had a relationship with Christ even before being introduced to the Church. I would still be able to attend mass and sit in the presence of Christ, even if I was not able to be in full communion… (and only be for a time). Perhaps this is why I would be more likely to refrain from receiving communion than to end a (what I think is a very wonderful) 4-year relationship. Even though I would not be in “full communion” with the Church (which is the inseparable body of Christ), I don’t think I would be giving up union with Christ either. Don’t get me wrong… I love the experience of being in full communion with Christ and the Church. I would very much prefer to continue both relationships with equal vigor… I’m just not sure if it would be acceptable for me to do so.

 

[kage_ar]

If he is in law school he can surely understand that there are Canon Laws that govern Catholics. There is a book by Canon Law expert Ed Peters on the process

books.google.com/books?id=VDaYAAAACAAJ&dq=Ed+peters+annulment&ei=h1rPStvgHoemNt-MwcEF

Pick this up, give it a read and then give it to your friend.

He is not free to date, he is considered married until it is proven otherwise.

Step back on the romance, stay friends. He may be free to date and marry and he may not be. ONLY the Tribunal can determine that.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Is he going through the annulment process? *

 

[agapewolf]

You don’t know that it would be “only for a time” You cannot know for sure if he would even get the annulment.

He is a married man. Keep saying that to yourself.

 

[Shewho]

*Is he going through the annulment process? *

No, not yet. He’s aware that he’ll need to if he decides to re-marry in the Catholic Church (and I anticipate he will).

 

[SeekingWisdom]

No, not yet. He’s aware that he’ll need to if he decides to re-marry in the Catholic Church (and I anticipate he will).

Actually, he needs to complete the annulment process before considering another relationship. I would advise you to break it off until his annulment is complete. Annulment is not merely a little bit of housekeeping to be taken care of before marrying the next honey, it is a serious undertaking that examines a marriage and releases the participants from the sacramental bond and frees them to marry another. Please, please prayerfully consider stopping the relationship with this man, rather than cutting off your relationship with Christ.

 

[dulcissima]

Does he think he has grounds for an annulment? Do you think he does? 4 years is a long time to date someone and then just be starting to think about possibly getting married. I would have big doubts about his intentions if 4 years into a relationships with you, he hasn’t even started the process, knowing that it takes so long.

 

[whatevergirl]

No, not yet. He’s aware that he’ll need to if he decides to re-marry in the Catholic Church (and I anticipate he will).

So, four years of dating (and onward)…that might lead to nothing. Hmmm. That’s something to think about I think that sometimes, we get caught up in emotions. You love him…and you see a future, it happens. Don’t beat yourself up over the present, you are where you are. Now, how to deal with where you both are?

You and he put the cart before the horse, but it’s never ever too late to make things right. I think your priest was right in his advice…but he is encouraging you to really take an inventory of your conscience, you know? He’s leaving the hard part to you…it would be nice if priests would tell us…do this or that, but they want us to come to the conclusion with a little nudging from them. That’s the subtle implication with his advice to you. If you are honest with yourself, deep down, being Catholic, you know it’s wrong to “date” this man…

So…why not put things on hold? He needs to go through the annulment process to see if his marriage would be declared invalid. Sometimes, I read things that are sort of brought up as side notes, as having a lot of meaning. What glares at me from what you post here…is he did not want the divorce from his wife. That speaks a lot to me, that he would tell you that. Not that he wishes to be back with her, BUT…it could be why he is dragging his feet on the process. The pain of it all, he might not want to deal with it again.

It would be better for you to put your relationship on hold, then he goes through the process, then and only then when his marriage is declared invalid, resume with him.

Just my thoughts. I think that if he doesn’t want to see you anymore (ever) if you request this…then, he is not interested in living an authentic Catholic life. It’s really that simple. Ask yourself, are you, though?

I’m praying for you both…*

 

[Shewho]

Does he think he has grounds for an annulment? Do you think he does? 4 years is a long time to date someone and then just be starting to think about possibly getting married. I would have big doubts about his intentions if 4 years into a relationships with you, he hasn’t even started the process, knowing that it takes so long.

Whether or not we have been dating as a means to marriage, or purely out of enjoyment of each others company is not an issue I care to have up for debate here. Whether others approve of a dating relationship as lengthy as the one we have is also not an issue I care to have up for debate.
The facts remain that we have been dating for a certain length of time, have a wonderful relationship, and I have only just realized that I may be going against Church teaching by doing so.

As a side note, I am confident that his intentions were pure from the beginning and have remained so. I also don’t believe that he was previously familiar with the annulment process, or the time frame that it usually takes.

And yes, I think he has grounds for an annulment. Thanks for asking.

 

[Shewho]

I think your priest was right in his advice…but* he is encouraging you to really take an inventory of your conscience, you know? He’s leaving the hard part to you…

What glares at me from what you post here…is he did not want the divorce from his wife. That speaks a lot to me, that he would tell you that. Not that he wishes to be back with her, BUT…it could be why he is dragging his feet on the process. The pain of it all, he might not want to deal with it again…

I’m praying for you both…

Thank you for your insight, and for your prayers.

Does you know if there is any official Church teaching on this issue? Perhaps I just need to inform my conscience…

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi shewho;

I will post something about annulments in general, a little later…just to give you an idea of what the process involves. But, also, I encourage you to do a search on this forum, of others who have been asked questions about dating while waiting for someone going through an annulment, etc…

Personally, (this is just me lol)…if I were in your shoes–I’d ask myself, is this man able to marry me in the Catholic Church, next week? Or tomorrow? (forget the wedding preparations for a moment) The answer is no, he can’t. So, if he isn’t ‘free to marry,’ he isn’t really free to date. Civil divorce is not recognized in the eyes of the Church, it’s recognized by you and me…the secular world. But, not by the Church. So, he is ‘still married,’ in the eyes of God. That said…would you date a married man? The thought sounds horrible. But, in the eyes of God, you and he are dating, and he is still married.

I don’t mean to sound preachy. I’m just leading you through a thought process I’d have, if I were in your shoes. If you are both hanging out as friends only, from the get go, it wouldn’t be wrong. But, he is your ‘boyfriend.’ So…think it through, read through the threads. I am a cradle Catholic, and learned much from this site, Rome wasn’t built in a day, it might take you time to get to where you both NEED to be, but strive to get there. If you both love each other, sounds like you do, you’ll want to help each other to heaven, and the best way, is to put this on hold. (ok, I’m again thinking out loud )

God loves you, He knows our limitations. Trust in Him to help you do the right thing. *

 

[whatevergirl]

PS–I love your profile pics, your little boy is precious.

 

[SeekingWisdom]

I’m sorry you feel attacked, but we may not pick and choose which Church teachings we follow. Dating a married man is against Church teaching, and in all charity, we have a duty to instruct.