I am just trying to be helpful, but

[CRATUS]

I am quite honest and logical with those I care for. One of my close friends believes I am too pushy and overbearing. She is not open to trying new things, so I try to get her to try new foods, go out to new places. Sometimes she says I boss her around too much. Then again, she complains. I just feel she is close-minded. She says I treat her like I am her mother and like I want to fix her. She has described me as overbearing. She leans more on the emotional side and she can overreact more. I see things more logically than she does, so I tell her what would be the best way to handle a issue. She gets angry with me. What could I be doing wrong?

 

[brigid12]

Rather than telling her what to do, how about seriously listening to what she thinks and why. I think I’d think you were bossing me around too if I read what you wrote correctly. You might try not telling her what to do and (after listening to her) trying what she thinks so that she knows you respect her. I think respect is the name of the game here.

 

[brinkman2310]

Perhaps, as your friend says, you’re being pushy and overbearing? Stop making her try new things if she doesn’t want to.

 

[Christy_Beth]

How about letting her suggest something “new” to try? Or just go for the tried and true. Then maybe someday you will find someone who will try some of the things you want to do.

 

[JamalChristophr]

Well,maybe she is like me, I am a sensitive person, also can tend towards emotional at times. Maybe you are pushing, and many people react when pushed. They push back. I have a friend who doesn’t know when to back off. I think this is something that is important to be sensitive to: when to back off a little bit and just stop.

This might not be it. I hope I’m not just overlaying my present state of mind onto your situation, but you can take it for what it’s worth.

God Bless!

 

[pianistclare]

I am quite honest and logical with those I care for. One of my close friends believes I am too pushy and overbearing. She is not open to trying new things, so I try to get her to try new foods, go out to new places. Sometimes she says I boss her around too much. Then again, she complains. I just feel she is close-minded. She says I treat her like I am her mother and like I want to fix her. She has described me as overbearing. She leans more on the emotional side and she can overreact more. I see things more logically than she does, so I tell her what would be the best way to handle a issue. She gets angry with me. What could I be doing wrong?

Part of being a good friend is listening. Maybe she’s not as adventurous as you. She’s telling you to knock it off. She didn’t say “go away, I don’t want to be around you”, she just wants to make some of the decisions on her own.
It’s fine. Try not to be offended, and try to see if maybe you’re suggestions may have made her feel incompetent.
She did you a favor. She could have held it in and just written you off. Clearly she values your friendship.
God bless you. I know you just want the best for her.

 

[casslean]

I am quite honest and logical with those I care for. One of my close friends believes I am too pushy and overbearing. She is not open to trying new things, so I try to get her to try new foods, go out to new places. Sometimes she says I boss her around too much. Then again, she complains. I just feel she is close-minded. She says I treat her like I am her mother and like I want to fix her. She has described me as overbearing. She leans more on the emotional side and she can overreact more. I see things more logically than she does, so I tell her what would be the best way to handle a issue. She gets angry with me. What could I be doing wrong?

You’re assuming that your way must be the “better” or “right” way. Just because you feel she is close-minded does not mean she is close-minded. Just because you feel she is emotional or overreacts does not mean she does. (Personal caveat - I hate the word “overreact”. It is no one else’s decision how I choose to react to a situation, and the emotional toll that situation takes on me should not be diminished or dismissed because someone else judges it less important).

Let her be herself, and learn to ride with it. That means compromising. If you like trying new things and she likes tried and true, then sometimes you should go for tried and true and sometimes you should try new things. If she asks you for advice, offer suggestions, but don’t assume yours is the “best way” to handle the issue. It is simply a suggestion.

 

[ClearWater]

Sounds frustrating!

Sorry it’s been hard. It sounds like you crave variety, adventure and just want to share that with your spouse, who must seem like a “stick in the mud” who is stuck in a rut!

Well, it’s hard in relationships. There are so many variables between the sexes, and just anyone. It’s amazing any of us can ever manage to get along!

Well, one spouse may like it hot, the other cold! One likes variety, and the other prefers routines.

Some people are, by nature, homebodies. They are people who like to stay at home, the same places and foods, and are actually FINE, HAPPY doing their routines. Some also don’t like, don’t need, to experiment or need novelty.

Others more or less NEED variety. They NEED travel, experimentation, change, variety in order to feel happy and satified.

Now, if you have one spouse who is a homebody and the other who is the other type who wants to soar, explore, travel, fly, push the limits, and the other who is earthbound, it might be rough seeking balance, so that both are happy, satisfied.

For instance, in sex, some spouses would be okay to go through a relationship in one position, always, not want, or care, to ever switch.

For other spouses, that would drive them nuts! So, for the two to get along, they would need to think of some way for them both to get their emotional/mental needs met.

They say that this, although difficult, if there is love, some kind of arrangement can be reached, even if compromise is necessary, on both spouses’ part.

Some find marital counseling helpful in order to work out an arrangement, in some cases.

Now, some people don’t like counselors, unless they are to a point they are facing divorce. They seem counseling as a last resort, instead of a first one. I once knew a couple that seemed VERY happy together. I was surprised to learn that, at one point in their relationship, the wife felt they were having communication problems.

She said they had a good relationship but just felt it could be better. So, to improve the relationship, they went to counseling, and it worked! They had a better relationship than even before.

If I felt like that, I would probably try to sit my spouse down and explain my feelings…that I craved a certain kind of freedom and wanted so much to share that. I would say I wanted my spouse to also be happy, though, and ask what could be done to achieve that.

 

[ClearWater]

Oh yeah, and it’s common for men to be more logical. It comes with the territory. Yes, on occasion you may find a woman, here and there, who is the embodiment of logic, but it’s not the norm.

I go to chess, on occasion, here, and I am often the ONLY woman there. Why? Well, men are often more logical, LOVE chess. Women, on the other hand, are drawn to other activities. They are typically more verbal, more suited to child rearing, say, through their evolution and such.

Men, on the other hand, were, for eons,…hunters, the breadwinner, and had to develop other strengths.

As we learn more about the brain, we see differences between the sexes, even in our brains.

The challenge is to be able to learn how to successfully combine these in relationships, and marriage.

It’s important you value her strengths, even if one of them doesn’t happen to be logic. Let logic be your department.

I freely admit I am terrible with logic, but I have other skills and abilities, which, I believe, though different, are just as good.

Try to accept her, as an illogical woman.

Men have been compared to the sun, in their constancy. Women…the moon, with all our changeable emotions and all.

Seek to understand eachother, accept, and unite your differences. Try to complement each other.

 

[GoldenSeal]

Part of being a good friend is listening. Maybe she’s not as adventurous as you. She’s telling you to knock it off. She didn’t say “go away, I don’t want to be around you”, she just wants to make some of the decisions on her own.
It’s fine. Try not to be offended, and try to see if maybe you’re suggestions may have made her feel incompetent.
She did you a favor. She could have held it in and just written you off. Clearly she values your friendship.
God bless you. I know you just want the best for her.

pianistclare makes a great point, that your friend could have taken the easy way out and written you off. Clearly, she wants to remain friends with you in spite of everything that’s been going on.

I have a friend who tries to treat me in a similar “bossy” manner. Your friend may take what you’re doing, CRATUS, as attempts to dominate her. I would suggest that you accept your friend as she is. Back off some, let her call the shots in the relationship. If she’s not one who likes to try new things, respect that and don’t try to force new things on her. Don’t volunteer advice; let her ask for it if she wants it. Logic is good, but the logical answer isn’t always the best one.

If she’s a passive sort of person, it might feel natural (and necessary) to step in and lead in an interaction–but that may not be the optimal approach.

If the relationship is shaky right now, it might be helpful to tell your friend that you realize you have been pushy, domineering–however she referred to you. You might apologize to her and ask her what she’d like the relationship to look like. What would make her more comfortable with you? Be quiet, gentle, and open to what she has to say.

It sounds like your friendship is fairly solid, but it could go south. Signaling to her that you’re willing to change your approach might rejuvenate it.

 

[ClearWater]

Oops…I wrote you were married…and you’re friends! Sorry!

 

[ClearWater]

We, women, have generally been described, on the whole, as being more emotional than men. Men, are typically described, as more logical. It’s sounds like this is pretty normal.

One of ya’ all is probably more left-brained, and the other right-brained. This is common with men and women, almost predictable.

It’s part of the beauty of it all, our differences.

 

[Sandraaustin]

I am quite honest and logical with those I care for. One of my close friends believes I am too pushy and overbearing. She is not open to trying new things, so I try to get her to try new foods, go out to new places. Sometimes she says I boss her around too much. Then again, she complains. I just feel she is close-minded. She says I treat her like I am her mother and like I want to fix her. She has described me as overbearing. She leans more on the emotional side and she can overreact more. I see things more logically than she does, so I tell her what would be the best way to handle a issue. She gets angry with me. What could I be doing wrong?

When I read your post, I was reminded of an old maxim: “Perception is reality.”

Keeping that in mind, I think you’ve answered your own question in your post: Remember that all the things she believes are her reality: “you are too pushy”, “overbearing (2x)”, “you boss her around”, “you mother her”, “you want to fix her”; and the result is “She gets angry with you.”

I have to feel for her, because you know she’s not open to trying new things, yet you don’t respect that and keep pushing new things (foods, places) on her. You “just” feel she’s close minded – the word “just” signifies a dismissal of her feelings.

She must sincerely love you to still want you around, in my honest opinion. I’d really try to “dial it back” a bit before you permanently damage this relationship. No one is so rich that he can throw away friends. I think you’d both benefit if you practiced on accepting her as she is. God bless you both.

 

[ClearWater]

I am quite honest and logical with those I care for. One of my close friends believes I am too pushy and overbearing. She is not open to trying new things, so I try to get her to try new foods, go out to new places. Sometimes she says I boss her around too much. Then again, she complains. I just feel she is close-minded. She says I treat her like I am her mother and like I want to fix her. She has described me as overbearing. She leans more on the emotional side and she can overreact more.** I see things more logically than she does, so I tell her what would be the best way to handle a issue.** She gets angry with me. What could I be doing wrong?

Logical isn´t necessarily always better.

ARE you overstepping your bounds with her?

If it’s HER life, HER decision, ultimately. YOUR life, YOUR decision.

When I first wanted to return to Mexico, my family told me THEY knew what was best for me, to come back, etc.

Only THEY knew best how I should live MY life.

I had to actually try to defend my every decision, at some points.

My sisters would tell me the logical course of action, to them, was to live in the US. I had to go with them, point by point, why I wanted to live my life my way, not theirs.

They can’t understand me, or how I live my life.

Well, for them to even give me suggestions, advice, tips, would be one thing. It crosses a line when they try to tell you how you should live your life.

I would NOT be happier living their lives, and they would NOT be happy living mine.

I resent their interference.

My sisters told me to come to the US, that I SHOULD live with my parents (at that time), even though they knew that would make me miserable! They said to do it, because they said so.

They told me they even knew they were overstepping bounds to tell me that, in that way, did it anyway. I have felt like a small child when they have approached me that way.

I value my independence, like to do what I want with MY life. When it’s THEIR lives, THEIR decisions. MY life, MY decision.

To this day, they refuse to allow me to live my life as I want, try to force me to do things their way, or no way. I resist, naturally.

How would you feel if the situation were reversed, if she tried to tell you what to eat, where to go, or that you should stay home more, and insist she knows what’s best for you.

When you insist on what SHE eats, you are probably crossing a boundary. Let her eat what she wants.

If you love her, love her as she is without trying to change her diet or her activities. If you can’t do that, it probably isn´t love, or care, but about control.

Consider, if it is too hard that ya’ all might not be compatible enough for friendship, then, if you can´t accept each other as you are.