I am living in sin, and everything is terrible

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kingmeatloaf

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Thanks for your time, and any guidance you guys can offer! My life is such a mess right now, and I don’t really know who to turn to.

I’m a new Catholic, just got confirmed last year. I come from a Protestant upbringing, and have been a practicing zen Buddhist for a number of years before discovering the Church after a powerful encounter with what I believe to be the Holy Spirit (long story for another thread).

Anyway, that being said, I’ve only attended mass for about two years, I have no family in the church, no close friends in the church (I’m unmarried with no kids, I’m a 34 year old male hairdresser with bright green hair and gauges in my ears, so I don’t exactly fit in aesthetically with all the nice looking family folk one encounters at mass), and the only three people I know halfway well are the young seminarian who sponsored me for confirmation, who I think now lives in Rome, and the priest and deacon from the parish I got confirmed at. I was in some legal trouble in that town prior to my coming into the church, so I’ve moved to get away from certain people, and I now live an hour away, and am visiting other nearby parishes. I said all that to express, I’m very lonely, have no catholic friends, and have found out good catholic folks don’t exactly warm up to single new converts in their thirties with green hair! And understandably. I’ve led a rough life and it shows, but I am trying to change.

After confirmation last year was very, very lonely. I have nothing in common people my age in the church. I’m still learning. And I kind of quickly fell away when I met a lovely young agnostic girl last summer. Now I’m not lonely anymore, but her living situation was terrible, and I was struggling to pay my bills, and now we live together. I fell away from the church for awhile, but recently I’ve been going to mass again, just sitting quietly in the back, longing to return to the Eucharist that I so briefly was able to participate in last year.

I can’t go to confession. Not like this. To be truly sorry for my living in sin would mean to kick this girl out of my house, who I deeply care about, and agreed to let her live here in the first place. I can’t marry her now either! We’ve been together for seven months! I don’t think any priest would agree to that, and I’d still be living in sin with a civil marriage! And I can’t afford my bills without her help anyway. Not to mention, she’s absolutely precious to me, and loves me very much. But she’s had awful experiences with religion in her childhood, and while she doesn’t have a problem with me praying and going to mass, she gets irritated when I try to talk to her about the lord for too long.

I really need some guidance. I don’t know what to do. I need every aspect of my life to change right now, and I don’t know where to start.

Can anyone relate to this, or offer some advice? I’m really about to fall apart here.

Thank you, and God bless
 
You are never too far gone for mercy. I converted last year and am in my 30s too. It can be hard when your friends are not Catholic and you don’t find a lot of support around you. I would start with confession. Try to find time to setup a meeting with a priest and get a spiritual director. You may want to look into counseling. Catholic Charities may be able to help with that or look to see if parishes near you offer it. I see a therapist who is a priest and also offers spiritual direction and it’s a sliding scale to help run the facility. There is always help. Keep praying and take it one step at a time. Also, don’t try to fit into a mold of what a Catholic should be and should look like. You ARE what a Catholic should be and should look like.
 
I would also reach out to your old parish priest and deacon. They would want to help you even if it means guiding you to resources closer to you. They want the best for those they helped into the Church. I still talk with my teacher/sponsor from time to time to check in. It’s helpful.
 
You’re having all these conflicts and difficulties. Nobody here can advise you what to do, practically. Spiritually the advice of scripture is to stop sinning. You need to take a hard look at this and come to terms with it. Nobody needs to tell you what is at stake here, you seem to see this clearly.

Your green hair? Is that necessary? Is it a trademark for your business work? A lot of people have naturally good looks without piercings, colors, etc.

Your salvation depends on changing your life. PERHAPS you can live with this woman as roommates instead of anything else, sharing expenses.

I can’t imagine what bad childhood experiences the lady has had with religion that she cannot overcome with some effort. Christ is the way, the truth, and the life. We all have excuses and rationalizations.

Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.
 
Regarding your live-in relationship, one of you must move out. You can’t continue on this way.

And go to Confession. You need your priest’s wise counsel in this matter.
 
I really appreciate your reply. I might just reach out to my old priest, I just hate to disappoint him I guess. He helped me so much during confirmation and I’ve completely failed him and God. That’s stupid, I know.

And yes, I need counseling. So much to do. Ugh.
 
kingmeatloaf said:
I really need some guidance. I don’t know what to do. I need every aspect of my life to change right now, and I don’t know where to start.
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Start by influencing, focusing and feeding your mind with good things. One step at a time. Realize that we are all called to holiness; holiness is getting the soul in order, unmasking, uprooting and removing everything in your heart that separates you from God, the Source of Goodness, Truth, Beauty and Love. Start by watching this video through the end:

 
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Keep spending time with Jesus hidden in the tabernacle. He will give you light to know what you need to do and the strength to do it if you ask Him. He has things to tell you outside of mass times whenever you come to visit him.

You have to trust God in times like this. If it’s meant to be with this young woman, living apart is not going to end the relationship.

Keep praying. But don’t just sit on your hands. I think you know something has to change.

You will always have a faithful friend in Jesus. Let Him come first before any other person in your life.
 
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That’s a very sincere and heart-felt post. But I’m afraid you’re asking for the impossible. You write that “everything is terrible” and that you’re aware you’re living in sin, yet you also write that you can’t turn this girl out and you can’t marry her. What advice then can people here offer you if you’ve ruled out all the right options? See, if you are confident that you want to stay with this girl, you must marry her. That isn’t negotiable. And if you’re not confident, then you must stop being intimate with her, permanently, which means you must stop living together. That isn’t negotiable either. If you reject both these options, there isn’t really any way for you to return to a state of grace, which means you will continue on in a state of wretchedness. That may sound harsh, but on the other hand perhaps it’s what you need for now: to continue on in misery until something in you “gives” and you are ready to take decisive action.
 
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The phrase you used OP, kicking her out…made me think.What you would be doing is not that, but taking care of her soul .You say you can’t marry her,well try and protect her in the best way possible in helping her live somewhere else .
I’m not sure why you say you “can’t marry her now either!” Why is that I wonder🤔
Praying for your situation,God bless.
 
It is hard to be in a place where it feels like everything is falling in on you. That is what sin does to our lives. You have been given a great grace in your conversion and in seeing this collapse of all that is around you. These things are happening to you because God has allowed it. He has allowed it for your salvation. If you can see these things in that light, the collapsing is bearable and tolerable. Remember, where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more. I will pray for you and the woman that you are living with.

That said, here is my advice to you.
  1. You should tell her all that you have said here. Maybe show her your post? Let her know that you need to make some changes in your own life and that you want to disrupt her life as little as possible but some things are going to overlap.
  2. You need to stop using her. You may be called to marriage and would then need a catholic spouse and that is the only reason for a romantic relationship in your life. If she isn’t fitting that mold then you must stop being anything other than a good friend and current room mate.
  3. Go to confession and get back to mass. Living with her will be hard but if you intend it as brother and sister and fail, go back to confession.
  4. You should have a move out time frame for her. If you can live as room mates then it may be something that can go longer but otherwise I would suggest no more than 6 months.
  5. You cannot afford the house on your own. If this is due to debt and not income then you should find a good program to get out of debt so that you can afford your house. Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps worked for me. I highly recommend it. If it is an income issue then a new or another job. Short of this you should sell the house and get something that you can afford.
  6. Increase your ability to make good catholic friends by losing the green hair and over the top piercings.
You have a tough road ahead. Just know that people are praying for you.

God bless.
 
You’ve gotten some good advice on this thread. I would just offer a bit of counter-advice on the “lose the green hair and piercings” stuff you’re getting from everybody.

A lot of Catholics don’t care if you have green hair and piercings. I know I don’t. I don’t look like that myself for various reasons such as having day jobs for 30 years where that stuff wouldn’t have gone over well, and my personal preference to not do body mods on my own body, which doesn’t mean I get bothered when I meet somebody else with a different preference. One of my old acquaintances ended up in the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow, it was no big deal.

Also, even if you made yourself look as normal as Ward Cleaver, don’t expect Catholics in the pews to be rushing up to be your friends. It’s not that Catholics are unfriendly, more that people go to church primarily in order to worship and not for a social outlet. We’ve been over this many times on the forum. If you really want to make friends at church then you would need to get involved in some regular activities and even then accept that the people you meet might not be in your age group or be the type you want to hang out with outside church (for example, you might meet very nice 60-year-olds).

I think people often find it really easy to give advice on externals, “Oh, change how you look because that’s easy and then it will fix some of your problems” but it might not fix anything and might well make you feel even worse because you no longer look like yourself.

The big problem in this scenario to me is you’ve let yourself get into a sinful relationship with somebody who sounds like she’s not supportive of your religion, and you don’t want to marry her. If you were going to marry her in the Church, that would fix this. If she was supportive of you being Catholic (including not sinning with you) then that would fix this. As a general rule, it’s fine to have friends who don’t go to your church or maybe aren’t even religious, as long as you’re strong in your faith and they aren’t leading you astray. Your friends don’t all have to come from 'church people". I have friends who are practicing Catholic, fallaway Catholic, cultural Catholic, all kinds of other Christian and non-Christian religions, and atheists and agnostics, and I was married for over 2 decades to a non-Catholic. As long as they’re tolerant people who don’t knock your faith and are supportive of you, it’s fine.

Focus on fixing the big stumbling block you have right now, which is the girl you have gotten into a sinful relationship with. Don’t worry about your hair and piercings right now. If you want to change them, change them, but if you like having your green hair and body mods, keep 'em. God doesn’t care about that. Just my 2 cents.
 
kingmeatloaf said:
. To be truly sorry for my living in sin would mean to kick this girl out of my house, who I deeply care about, and agreed to let her live here in the first place. I can’t marry her now either!
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Archbishop Fulton Sheen once met a man in a similar situation. To paraphrase, he told the man that he (the man living in sin) could not remain with the woman even for the greater good that might result.

You need to decide who you love more: God or this woman. If you love this woman, you must either marry her or if you can’t bear to throw her out, move out yourself and let her live there and she pay you rent or you continue paying the rent/mortgage on your house and the place you move into.

Quite honestly, I would not wish to live with someone whose own view of religion was so shaky. Being a convert, remaining with her is putting your own soul in jeopardy in so many ways.

You say you cannot afford the bills without her help. What about getting a male roommate, preferably Catholic?
 
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Hi kingmeatloaf,
Don’t despair! Honestly it sounds to me like money issues are a big part of your problems. I echo the previous comment about trying to get a male roommate. Can she find someone else to room with? Then you can maybe think more clearly about the relationship, when you’re not living with her. I know this sounds unappealing, but could you talk to your current pastor? He might know someone or some resources that could help. Anyway, although you’re not in a good situation, I think that at least you’re aware that you are not on the right path. It is fixable! God bless – we’re all wishing you well here.
 
Okay.
We can’t give you the go-ahead to be in a sexual relationship with a woman who’s not your wife. That’s something that you’ll have to change.

You seem to think that having lived with her means you can’t marry her. Not true. Living together is a bad idea, but not an impediment to marriage.

Third, if you enjoy your green hair and piercings— not a problem! You be you.
It might be startling to some people, but once they get to know you, it won’t matter anymore.
It prolly doesn’t matter as much as you think now.
We had a full-on Goth Girl at my parish, super pale makeup, black lips and nails, the whole thing. She was very sweet and never missed mass, then she got married and moved away.
 
I actually think it’s good to have people with all kinds of fashion preferences and from all kinds of subcultures in a parish. It removes the idea that you have to look/ dress a certain way in order to be a good Catholic. That’s not the case. As long as you’re clean and modestly dressed and aren’t wearing anything blasphemous or offensive (like, no t-shirts with a four-letter word on them), then the biker is just as welcome as the guy in an expensive suit.
 
I’m glad others share my view that you don’t have to look a certain way. If you want to change your look, do it, if it’s true to your hear, but don’t do it just to fit some stereotype. One of my favorite parts of Holy Week was the veneration of the cross. My parish is pretty diverse and inclusive but I was still in awe of all the types of people I saw coming up to adore the cross in their own way. That is our Church and it was so beautiful and consoling to see. We are universal.

And I see you mentioned Buddhism. I was raised by a Baptist preacher, got into New Age and Eastern Philosophy, then was an atheist for years before I converted. Don’t let your background make you feel less than. There are more of us oddballs in the Church than you think. I’m not sure where you live but geography changes everything. Not that you have to move somewhere with more diversity, but just know there are other Catholics like you out there, you just may not be seeing them. I live in NYC and see all types at Mass.
 
kingmeatloaf said:
. I can’t marry her now either!
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I don’t know where you get this idea from. You can most definitely marry her. And she doesn’t have to move out. But you would really need to join a local parish and take your concerns to your new pastor so he can guide you.

I honestly don’t know why you feel so bad. It sounds like you’ve found a nice woman who is willing to go to Mass with you. And both of your living arrangements have improved. Your pastor can help you both move forward if you are willing. There is no need to break up your living arrangements and relationship. That is not something any pastor would make you do.
 
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kingmeatloaf said:
I can’t go to confession. Not like this. To be truly sorry for my living in sin would mean to kick this girl out of my house, who I deeply care about, and agreed to let her live here in the first place.
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Well, that’s not really true at all. Go talk to your priest. Living in the same house is not ideal, but no one need be “kicked out” of your house.

If you are sexually intimate, that should cease, but there is nothing in Church teaching that would require you to immediately physically separate and put someone in a bad situation— internet advice aside (as you will get lots of people who interepret Church teaching in odd and uncharitable ways). No, we don’t go around being uncharitable and unreasonable. There is a way to resolve this.

Talk to your pastor. Go to confession. Make a commitment to do better.
kingmeatloaf said:
I can’t marry her now either! We’ve been together for seven months! I don’t think any priest would agree to that, and I’d still be living in sin with a civil marriage!
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It seems you are trying to throw up roadblocks to your own return to the Church. Talk to your pastor. Most marriage prep is six months— totally reasonable and not that long. You can work towards marriage if that is what you really want, and be married by summer (barring any concerns that come up in premarital counseling— which is the whole point of premarital counseling).
kingmeatloaf said:
I really need some guidance. I don’t know what to do. I need every aspect of my life to change right now, and I don’t know where to start.
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Start by not being afraid to go talk to your pastor. You’ve assumed a lot of things, and generally speaking nothing you’ve written here is insurmountable.
 
DO NOT rush to marry her if you are not called to do so. I agree that you need to break it off or remain platonic if you don’t marry her. But jumping to marry her just to remove the sin is not a good solution. You should marry her if it’s God’s will. You may love her, she may love you, but is she meant to be your sacramental wife and you her sacramental husband?
 
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