I am mortified

[decjlc]

I am a firm believer that the little ones of all ages should be brought to Mass. If they fuss, so be it. Unless they are screaming for long periods of time they should stay. Just this morning there was a little one fussing during the entire Mass, but you know what? It wasn’t a distraction at all. I managed to hear everything as did the rest of the faithful. Bring that precious baby and if you get “the look” just smile sweetly because that person is doing you a huge injustice. Jesus said "Suffer the little children . . . "

Thanks. In the churches I grew up in, little ones always stayed with their parents until they were old enough to do Sunday School at around age 4 or 5. It never seemed that big of a distraction for me when they cried. The congregation (or what do you call them in a Catholic church? parishioners?) seemed to be mostly older people, so perhaps that’s part of the problem. There were no small kids at all; the youngest appeared to be 10-12 years old aside from my son. Perhaps they just aren’t used to the little ones anymore.

 

[Kelfa28]

Next week, sit in the front pew; that way you won’t be disturbed by people looking at you.

Your child will also be able to see what’s going on, and you can point out the things he can be paying attention to. “Now we are hearing a story - we have to listen! Now we are praying the Creed. That’s what we believe in!”

This is another good idea.

Try to get their a little earlier and grab a seat right up front. Little ones can watch what’s going on and it’s fascinating for them.

My daughter loves to watch the consecration. She is usually watching with great interest when the consecration begins to happen.

 

[Becca3]

Thanks; I’ll try. I was able to keep him quiet for about 10 minutes by letting him zip and unzip my wallet. I brought a book for him, but he had no interest. Perhaps busy things with buttons and zippers (like a Quiet Book) can keep him occupied for a bit as long as I use them only for Mass so he doesn’t tire of them?

Would this be inappropriate to bring to Mass for him? I wouldn’t get all the pieces out at once, of course.

Yes! I think he would love that!! That would keep him occupied for the Mass times. Try and experiment with different quiet toys to see which ones challenge his brain.

 

[decjlc]

Next week, sit in the front pew; that way you won’t be disturbed by people looking at you.

Your child will also be able to see what’s going on, and you can point out the things he can be paying attention to. “Now we are hearing a story - we have to listen! Now we are praying the Creed. That’s what we believe in!”

That’s a great idea. I’m very shy, so I feel self conscious when someone turns around to stare. I tried to sit near the back so I could make an exit without disturbing folks, but the front may be better.

I forgot to mention, he only got about six hours of sleep last night. I know that played a part in the fussiness, but he still would have fussed some because he hates being restrained.

He was also confused by all the sitting and standing. Every time we stood up, he’d wave to the older couple behind us (who found him adorable) and say, “Bye! Bye!”

 

[decjlc]

This is another good idea.

Try to get their a little earlier and grab a seat right up front. Little ones can watch what’s going on and it’s fascinating for them.

My daughter loves to watch the consecration. She is usually watching with great interest when the consecration begins to happen.

I’ll definitely try this. He enjoyed the singing and the back and forth parts where the priest and the people talked. It was during the sermon (not sure if that’s the correct term) that he became fussier.

 

[Becca3]

Thanks. In the churches I grew up in, little ones always stayed with their parents until they were old enough to do Sunday School at around age 4 or 5. It never seemed that big of a distraction for me when they cried. The congregation (or what do you call them in a Catholic church? parishioners?) seemed to be mostly older people, so perhaps that’s part of the problem. There were no small kids at all; the youngest appeared to be 10-12 years old aside from my son. Perhaps they just aren’t used to the little ones anymore.

I went to a ‘mormon’ church for almost 23 years before I met my Catholic fiance, and in those churches, they start putting the little ones in a class. The age group for that class was from 18 months to 3 years. And then from 3-12 they are in a primary class, and then from 12-18, young men’s and young women’s classes. I thought that was a pretty good setup.

 

[decjlc]

Yes! I think he would love that!! That would keep him occupied for the Mass times. Try and experiment with different quiet toys to see which ones challenge his brain.

Thanks for taking a look.

 

[bobbyhillisabro]

Thank you; that sounds promising. I wish our local Churches had daily Mass because I’d certainly try that. We’ll just have to keep working on it, I suppose.

Daily Mass is amazing, but remember that Sundays are mandatory.

 

[decjlc]

Daily Mass is amazing, but remember that Sundays are mandatory.

Oh, I know. I just meant that daily Mass (if we had it, which we don’t) would be good practice. I fully intend to go to Mass on Sundays, even with a fussy toddler.

 

[Kelfa28]

Oh, I know. I just meant that daily Mass (if we had it, which we don’t) would be good practice. I fully intend to go to Mass on Sundays, even with a fussy toddler.

Like I said…keep trying.

Sit up front so he can see and participate, bring a quiet toy or a book he can engage himself with during the homily and readings.

You can look up what the daily reading is going to be and maybe read it to him the night before…just so he’ll recognize it before hand.

Encourage participation.

 

[RoseMary131]

This morning, I tried to go to Mass for the first time with my son (21 months old). … We didn’t even get through 15 minutes of the service… we got “the look” from a woman…

There is no cry room…he had a complete meltdown. I tried to take him outside a couple of times, but we had to leave after about 35 minutes or so.

I am mortified. I feel like a failure as a mother. … I’m so disappointed because I wanted to talk to someone about RCIA and converting today. I’ve been looking forward to it all week.

Welcome to the Church and welcome to Mass. Please take a deep breath. Please think of the joy you brought God as you and your little one were with Him in the Presence of all the Saints and Angels in Holy Mass. Yes, all of Heaven is Present at Mass. Breath in that beauty that you and your precious child were gifted with today.

You are not a failure. You are a beautiful mother who brought her child to Mass.

I have 5 children - ages 25 to 4. I promise you, each child will one day be able to sit in Mass. Children are children and each develops at their own rate.

When my oldest two were little, I felt I spent all my time in the vestibule… but that’s okay… God is not blocked by walls. Eventually, they were so “well behaved” at Mass that the priest and Bishop offered them a chair at the altar - as altar servers. I tell parents, “Don’t worry, one day your child will be sitting at the altar!”

Our youngest child has issues on the autism spectrum. He’s 4 and we still don’t always get to stay in Mass. Sometimes we are in the vestibule, but its okay.

Don’t worry about “looks” or even “words” from others. Our wonderful ushers are always smiling as they open the door for us to leave our pews and then return.

Call the parish secretary, ask to make an appointment with the person who conducts the RCIA. Make an appointment to have a visit with Father so he knows a bit about you. Ask the secretary for hints on what other families do when their little one is too “busy” in Mass.

Bring a few items that fit your child and can help him stay in Mass a little longer or items to play with in the kitchen room near the Mass. (This might be the parish hall.) Many parents find a water cup helpful or crayons and paper, books, a small toy.

I’ve over heard people make negative comments about my son and his cars or trains in the vestibule (we use them in the pew also). I know my son and these toys can allow him to be quieter and allow me more time in Mass.

Sometimes, I need to sit and hold my son while the others are standing or kneeling… that’s okay. Sometimes I need to cover my son’s ears. Sometimes I let him lay in the aisle, as long as he’s out of everyone’s way and is quiet, its okay.

Once the ushers had us to form the communion line way too early. He had a melt down as we stood there, at the beginning of the line for a “very long time”. Do you know how people who didn’t know me treated me as they left Mass? They spoke to me with such gentleness. They understood how I felt. They understood my child was a child who experienced a melt down. They showed us love.

Contrast that to a Stations of the Cross prayer service when I thought my child was being very good. A lady turned around and told me she came for peace and was a school teacher and had a bad week. I left for the parish hall with my little boy and cried and cried. That’s okay. I think she was the one with the “melt down”.

Be at Peace.

 

[Becca3]

Thanks for taking a look.

You are welcome!! Keep trying!

 

[PatriceA]

Daily Mass is amazing, but remember that Sundays are mandatory.

She was responding to my suggestion to take her child to Daily Mass to train him/her on appropriate behavior for Mass. Its a great tool since its usually only 20-30 minutes, about the length of time a toddler can usually sit without disruptive behavior. My suggestion was only in addition to regular Sunday Mass, never intended as a substitute.

 

[St_Francis]

I am not big on letting Catholic children go to a nursery or the like when they are little–then they have to transition from having fun to behaving in Mass, and that seems tricky to me.

I have 4 children and took them to Mass with me and eventually they did learn to behave. Practicing at home might help in your situation (I too used Daily Mass for training when one was available ). i would take them out if they made more than a tiny bit of noise, but not make it fun for them. I let them know that going out was not a good thing.

The totally best place to sit if possible is the choir loft The children can see, but they are less likely to bother anyone. Otherwise sit up front–it’s a bummer taking them out in front of everyone, but such is life.

I returned to the Church when I had two little ones… I don’t think I sat through an entireass for years. Just remember that it is very much worth it!!! Whether of not you hear the homily, etc, is not as important as the fact that you are coming to Mass and taking care of the duties of your state in life.

And welcome!!!

 

[CradleJourney]

Thanks; I’ll try. I was able to keep him quiet for about 10 minutes by letting him zip and unzip my wallet. I brought a book for him, but he had no interest. Perhaps busy things with buttons and zippers (like a Quiet Book) can keep him occupied for a bit as long as I use them only for Mass so he doesn’t tire of them?

Would this be inappropriate to bring to Mass for him? I wouldn’t get all the pieces out at once, of course.

In my experience, toys with multiple pieces (even quiet pieces) are not a good idea (too easy to be thrown and if you have to make a quick exit, too hard to regather, and somehow, despite their age, they always seem know how many pieces there are and are usually never satisfied unless they get out ALL of them.) sympathetic smile

What I do suggest is:

a) keep taking him to church when you can because that’s how he’s going to learn - and how people are going to get to know you (and if someone has an objection to him, that’s their problem). Most people are understanding if not welcoming, in my experience. Yes, take him out if he’s being noisy but try doing a finger to his lips to remind him to be quiet in church - it will take time, and it won’t always work, but the message will get through eventually.

b) practice sitting still / quiet time at home! Have reading time once a day for a few minutes where you teach him to sit still and “read” with you. Keep your voice very quiet and for this kind of “reading” (as opposed to interactive bedtime reading) keep it to just a phrase or two - try using facial expressions and hand gestures to “tell” what’s happening and encourage him to interact with you - but also in gestures and facial expressions. Also have listening time when sitting outside - time where both of you are quiet and just listen for sounds of birds/planes/bees/etc. Express your delight but again do it with facial expressions and quiet hand gestures. All of this shows him that it’s possible to “look” and “listen” without being verbal (something I think we could all learn more of sometimes! LOL!)

c) Use silent communication yourself in church - frowning face for “no”, big smile and nod for “yes”. Don’t be afraid to use thumbs up and silent fives as well. Emphasize how you hold your hands in prayer, help him make the sign of the cross on himself. He WILL copy you (eventually) and how you behave is a powerful message for him. (Never understood parents who failed to encourage - through a quick smile, nod, pat - their children when they were being good, or the ones who loudly were whispering what they were going to do to their kids if they weren’t quiet.)

d) Know that it all ends eventually. It’s been 27 years since I took my first baby to mass, and it’s only now that my youngest is 8 that I’m able to spend nearly 98% of the time focused on prayer (2% of the time, someone is bored/decides not to recite responses/figures it’s a great time to harass a sibling/etc. but it’s getting rarer every week). In general though, it’s such a pleasure when I’m able to have all my kids in the pew with me. All those masses when I spent more time outside the pew/building than in, all the “looks” I got, all the prayers I missed while distracting my child so they wouldn’t be a distraction themselves, it was all worth it

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks; I’ll try. I was able to keep him quiet for about 10 minutes by letting him zip and unzip my wallet. I brought a book for him, but he had no interest. Perhaps busy things with buttons and zippers (like a Quiet Book) can keep him occupied for a bit as long as I use them only for Mass so he doesn’t tire of them?

Would this be inappropriate to bring to Mass for him? I wouldn’t get all the pieces out at once, of course.

That set has too many little bits to throw around, IMO. I think the Quiet Book or a soft nativity set would be better alternatives.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I wish there was a nursery for the kids. That would be lovely. But there are no cry rooms, nurseries, TVs to watch the service from another room or speakers outside. You really miss everything just by leaving the room.

This is such a difficult age.

OK, then you really have a challenge ahead of you. Yes, it’s a difficult time, but the good thing is that it changes fairly quickly and then the next thing will come around.

 

[Nimzovik]

This morning, I tried to go to Mass for the first time with my son (21 months old). I’ve only been one other time myself, a few months ago. We didn’t even get through 15 minutes of the service before he started “fussing”. He wasn’t really crying at this point, just whining a little and saying, “Mom.” Understandably, we got “the look” from a woman a couple of rows in front of us.

There is no cry room…just the kitchen/dining area that’s right off the sanctuary (not sure if that’s the correct term). He cried and fussed a bit in there. I was able to catch a few more minutes of the service from that room before he had a complete meltdown. I tried to take him outside a couple of times, but we had to leave after about 35 minutes or so.

I am mortified. I feel like a failure as a mother. Perhaps if I had been taking him to church all along (like I should have) this wouldn’t have happened. I’m so disappointed because I wanted to talk to someone about RCIA and converting today. I’ve been looking forward to it all week.

Sorry for the vent/whine…I’m just embarrassed and heartbroken that things did not work out the way I had hoped.

I see zero reason to be mortified here.

 

[decjlc]

Welcome to the Church and welcome to Mass. Please take a deep breath. Please think of the joy you brought God as you and your little one were with Him in the Presence of all the Saints and Angels in Holy Mass. Yes, all of Heaven is Present at Mass. Breath in that beauty that you and your precious child were gifted with today.

You are not a failure. You are a beautiful mother who brought her child to Mass.

I have 5 children - ages 25 to 4. I promise you, each child will one day be able to sit in Mass. Children are children and each develops at their own rate.

When my oldest two were little, I felt I spent all my time in the vestibule… but that’s okay… God is not blocked by walls. Eventually, they were so “well behaved” at Mass that the priest and Bishop offered them a chair at the altar - as altar servers. I tell parents, “Don’t worry, one day your child will be sitting at the altar!”

Our youngest child has issues on the autism spectrum. He’s 4 and we still don’t always get to stay in Mass. Sometimes we are in the vestibule, but its okay.

Don’t worry about “looks” or even “words” from others. Our wonderful ushers are always smiling as they open the door for us to leave our pews and then return.

Call the parish secretary, ask to make an appointment with the person who conducts the RCIA. Make an appointment to have a visit with Father so he knows a bit about you. Ask the secretary for hints on what other families do when their little one is too “busy” in Mass.

Bring a few items that fit your child and can help him stay in Mass a little longer or items to play with in the kitchen room near the Mass. (This might be the parish hall.) Many parents find a water cup helpful or crayons and paper, books, a small toy.

I’ve over heard people make negative comments about my son and his cars or trains in the vestibule (we use them in the pew also). I know my son and these toys can allow him to be quieter and allow me more time in Mass.

Sometimes, I need to sit and hold my son while the others are standing or kneeling… that’s okay. Sometimes I need to cover my son’s ears. Sometimes I let him lay in the aisle, as long as he’s out of everyone’s way and is quiet, its okay.

Once the ushers had us to form the communion line way too early. He had a melt down as we stood there, at the beginning of the line for a “very long time”. Do you know how people who didn’t know me treated me as they left Mass? They spoke to me with such gentleness. They understood how I felt. They understood my child was a child who experienced a melt down. They showed us love.

Contrast that to a Stations of the Cross prayer service when I thought my child was being very good. A lady turned around and told me she came for peace and was a school teacher and had a bad week. I left for the parish hall with my little boy and cried and cried. That’s okay. I think she was the one with the “melt down”.

Be at Peace.

Thanks so much. That was very encouraging. I’ll try to get an appointment to speak with someone this week. I left a message on the answering machine, so hopefully someone will get back to me soon.

 

[decjlc]

I am not big on letting Catholic children go to a nursery or the like when they are little–then they have to transition from having fun to behaving in Mass, and that seems tricky to me.

I have 4 children and took them to Mass with me and eventually they did learn to behave. Practicing at home might help in your situation (I too used Daily Mass for training when one was available ). i would take them out if they made more than a tiny bit of noise, but not make it fun for them. I let them know that going out was not a good thing.

The totally best place to sit if possible is the choir loft The children can see, but they are less likely to bother anyone. Otherwise sit up front–it’s a bummer taking them out in front of everyone, but such is life.

I returned to the Church when I had two little ones… I don’t think I sat through an entireass for years. Just remember that it is very much worth it!!! Whether of not you hear the homily, etc, is not as important as the fact that you are coming to Mass and taking care of the duties of your state in life.

And welcome!!!

I’m going to have to scope out the best place to sit up front, for sure. There is no choir loft…no choir. LOL Did I mention these Catholic churches are very small? I appreciate everyone’s encouragement and ideas.