I am so lost

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Crash220

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We have been married for 15 years, have two beautiful daughters, I love my wife dearly, but here is where it all falls apart.

My wife says she loves me, but there has been zero emotional support for 5 years or more. By zero I mean zero, No affection at all, no hand holding, no hugs, no kissing nothing. I am totally rejected by my wife. The truth is she has serious self esteem issues, which I can do nothing to help. I have tried EVERYTHING. We have gone to counseling together, but each time after a few visits, she stops going. I am still in counseling by myself, but until my wife does something to help herself, I don’t see things improving.

I take my vows very seriously, and stand by them. I am not what folks would consider a “good” catholic, but quite honestly, I feel rejected by God as well. Why does God submit me to so much pain, this is a pain no drug can help.

What can I do? PLEASE understand, I have a 4 year history with my therapist, so it has become a little easier to talk about this, but it would be nearly impossible to talk to my priest, I would have a better feeling to talking to one of the nuns that I have known for many years, and have many occasions driven into the church parking lot with full intention of trying to talk to her, each time turning around and leaving.
 
First, don’t talk to any women near your age about your problem, even a nun. This is an emotionally difficult time and feelings can get confused. Second, start hugging and kissing your wife, even if she shrugs it off. She fell in love with you once, try to do it again. Third, keep on her (gently) about counseling. She says she loves you, that’s something to work with. Finally, work on your relationship with God. Go to church, pray regularly, read the Bible or a devotional daily. I have worked through a similar situation with a wife with depression, though your’s seems more severe. Walk by faith and look for small victories. God Bless your efforts.
 
Crash220,
I wish I had something profoundly helpful to offer you. It is a tough situation and frankly one that hits close to home for me as it sounds eerily similar to my first marriage (19 years, one child). That marriage ended in divorce and that was over 20 years ago…
For that reason I hesitate to say much in that area on an open forum. If you would like to talk privately, drop me a PM and perhaps we can share some things.

That said, I agree with Steve about not talking to a woman…even a nun…about this issue. You are emotionally very vulnerable and that could get tricky. Now if the woman is much older…that might be different.

For now - I’d like to address your relationship with God.
You say that you feel rejected by Him but you admit that you are not a "good"Catholic.
There could be some very interesting parallels here if you don’t mind my saying.
Your wife gives you nothing and that hurts you. You have not rejected her…but you ARE hurt and it has to effect how you relate to her. Now think about how you are doing the same thing to God.

I have to make certain assumptions about what you mean by not being a “good Catholic” so you can correct me if I get these things wrong… but - as far as how you relate to God…
If you do not attend mass…how is that different from your wife not hugging you?
If you do not go to confession…how is that different from your wife not going to counseling with you?
If you do not receive the Eucharist…how is that different than avoiding conjugal relations?
If you do not pray regularly…how is that different than your wife not talking things over with you?
I ask you to consider these things because God is not rejecting you. He takes His vows seriously too. But are you not doing to God the very things that you are accusing your wife of doing to you?

God seeks from you the very same thing that you seek from your wife. Love. If you are hurt by your wife’s actions…as you yourself describe…“No affection at all, no hand holding, no hugs, no kissing nothing.”
Yet - she claims to love you and she probably does…but your ability to help her is blocked…not on your end, but on hers. The same thing is happening to you - you feel rejected by God, but it is not God who has put up the barriers. It is you. You don’t hold his hand, you don’t give him hugs, you don’t…whatever…but then you want to say that it is somehow His fault - that He has rejected you.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to attack you. I’m offering you a way to make sense of both relationships. I’m also not talking about just being “obedient” to God and fulfilling certain “obligations” like mass attendance. I mean - your wife could keep the best house, fix the finest meals, and do all of the “external” things, but without that deep loving connection - it’s just so much show.
Love is the key…Love between yourself and your wife…Love between you and God.

Sorry if I’ve rambled too much above…sometimes I get to typing and can’t seem to stop…
I do hope that some of it is of help to you.

Peace
James
 
Good advice from Steve with regard to other women.
It sounds like this has built up over time. Don’t be surprised if it takes time to resolve.
It also sounds like what you need the most you have also begun to turn away from. If the Church is the visable sign of Christ in our world, despite all of it’s humanness, do not turn away, but rather run home. And above all, if the Eucharist is what the Church has and always will hold it to be, the heart and summit of our spiritual lives (Jesus Christ himself) then turn toward Him in faith.

Councelors are great, but their objective is to improve a patient.

Your marriage is not about you. Nor is it about your wife. It is about the two of you who are one. You are a blessed union in Christ, and as such totally capable of concquering anything that tries to seperate you. But you invite and allow Christ back into your life first, then your marriage. He will not disappoint.

Spend some time in front of the Holy Eucharist. Talk to God and then listen. I suggest having a Bible with you. I have unloaded on God many times and though I rarely hear a voice, he always speaks to me through His Holy Word.

Participate in the Sacraments. There are not just symbols. They accomplish what they symbolize. They are God’s chosen way to pour out his grace upon us. Get over the fact that we would do things differently and trust that he has a better plan than we do.

Be lost, be angry, be hurt, be confused but do not be afraid.
 
You have my prayers for God to lead you to a solution and restitution of your relationship. As someone who has had times in their life where I might not have been a good Catholic, I would like to offer a suggestion that helped me. In our lives I truly believe we have stages in our faith and each stage helps us to grow closer to God if we do what God asks us to do. Your priorities right now should be to get your faith where it needs to be and when that happens you will be in the position that God wants you to be in. I ask myself this question constantly, if I died tomorrow would the things that are keeping me from a perfect relationship with God matter? Secondly, if you can’t talk to your parish priest could you talk to a spiritual advisor in your area? And, lastly, God would have you love your wife unconditionally and He will help you reach out to her with small gestures and patience. Try one kind, positive comment a day, a loving gesture with no expectations. God give you strength and guidance.
 
Crash220 said:
We have been married for 15 years, have two beautiful daughters, I love my wife dearly, but here is where it all falls apart.

My wife says she loves me, but there has been zero emotional support for 5 years or more. By zero I mean zero, No affection at all, no hand holding, no hugs, no kissing nothing. I am totally rejected by my wife. The truth is she has serious self esteem issues, which I can do nothing to help. I have tried EVERYTHING. We have gone to counseling together, but each time after a few visits, she stops going. I am still in counseling by myself, but until my wife does something to help herself, I don’t see things improving…
Click to expand...
I don’t either, and I’m so sorry this has happened. Whatever is going on with her sounds very deep-seated and I don’t see it resolving without the courage to face whatever she is burying in therapy. But I’d like to ask you if you have asked her if she wants a divorce? OR if she just wants to get therapy alone? Have you gotten to a point where you believe you will not be able to tolerate the situation and will leave at some time in the future? If you have, does she know this?

My concern is that everyone understand the consequences of the situation continuing.
 
It sounds like she is severely depressed. Perhaps she needs to go on anti-depressants?

Why does she have the self-esteem issues? Was she abused when she was younger? Did something happen that was traumatic to her? The lack of affection seems like some sign of a prior traumatic experience.

Try to initiate contact more, but try not to be too verbal about how much you care for her. Show it, but don’t say it so much… people with low self-esteem have a tendency to think that others are only saying things just to say them.

I am sorry you have to go through this. Sometimes we wonder why God doesn’t make things easier when we are suffering a lot. I have no good answer for the “why” of the situation, but hang in there. Try to trust and hold on.
 
Crash220 said:
We have been married for 15 years, have two beautiful daughters, I love my wife dearly, but here is where it all falls apart.

My wife says she loves me, but there has been zero emotional support for 5 years or more. By zero I mean zero, No affection at all, no hand holding, no hugs, no kissing nothing. I am totally rejected by my wife. The truth is she has serious self esteem issues, which I can do nothing to help. I have tried EVERYTHING. We have gone to counseling together, but each time after a few visits, she stops going. I am still in counseling by myself, but until my wife does something to help herself, I don’t see things improving.

I take my vows very seriously, and stand by them. I am not what folks would consider a “good” catholic, but quite honestly, I feel rejected by God as well. Why does God submit me to so much pain, this is a pain no drug can help.

What can I do? PLEASE understand, I have a 4 year history with my therapist, so it has become a little easier to talk about this, but it would be nearly impossible to talk to my priest, I would have a better feeling to talking to one of the nuns that I have known for many years, and have many occasions driven into the church parking lot with full intention of trying to talk to her, each time turning around and leaving.
Click to expand...
What happened 5 years ago, that changed your relationship into one of total lack of affection? You must have had a better relationship when you married…You had two children…How old are your children?

Could your wife be depressed? Was she abused as a child or teen, and if she was, are either of your daughters at the age she was when she was abused? Would she at least be willing to see a doctor to determine if she has a medical problem or is depressed?

I just wonder what changed in your lives 5 years ago…what got worse so that she withdrew into herself.
 
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