I am so sad right now

[KCT]

I was married for 12 years before I finally got pregnant. I was 35 years old! We had wanted a baby for so many years but it just didn’t happen until…surprise!!! We were no longer looking for it! We had already adopted 2, and felt quite blessed with them, so we weren’t so heartsick anymore. But as I said, then came a surprise!

We know several couples who went through something similar. My take is this: God intended from all eternity for you to be the parents of those (adopted) children. Had you conceived, you probably wouldn’t have considered adoption. So, God had to manage things in His time and in His way. Once those children were born and adopted, you could conceive the other

Congrats! --KCT

 

[nana3]

Masondoggy,

I am sorry to hear that you are so sad and my heart goes out to you as well as my prayers. It’s okay to feel the way you do. It is your feelings. Your pregnant and at the at end part of your pregnancy and have the right to feel the way you do, whether it is hormones or not. I will certainly keep you in prayers tonight as I pray the Rosary and at my next Holy Hour, not only for the reason for your saddest, but for all your intentions and a safe delivery.

Could it be that your mom and your sister may give you a surprise baby shower? If not, then the Lord will provide as he has already and continue to bless your precious family. I know when my sister got pregnant with her second, we asked her if she wanted a shower and she did not want one, but then she is well off. She had one given to her by her co-workers and what they gave her, we could not, for they are well off also financially. Even though she was well off, she was still my sister and I lent her my crib which she has had since her first child, who is now 4, and all of my baby things except clothes for I had a girl and she has two boys. I lent or gave her all my expensive things, like the crib, the swing etc. She was very grateful and it saved her money. Now her little baby boy is using my daugther’s crib. She is not Catholic and had her tubes tied after her c-section, so she will be asking me what I want to do with the crib. My husband wants us to hold on to it, but I don’t think we can have another child. I may give it to the pregnancy crisis center we have near us for poor women.

Listen to me go on. Sorry. You’re in my prayer and it is okay to feel sad. Soon you will be so very happy holding that beautiful baby. God Bless you and your family.

 

[masondoggy]

Masondoggy,

I am sorry to hear that you are so sad and my heart goes out to you as well as my prayers. It’s okay to feel the way you do. It is your feelings. Your pregnant and at the at end part of your pregnancy and have the right to feel the way you do, whether it is hormones or not. I will certainly keep you in prayers tonight as I pray the Rosary and at my next Holy Hour, not only for the reason for your saddest, but for all your intentions and a safe delivery.

Could it be that your mom and your sister may give you a surprise baby shower? If not, then the Lord will provide as he has already and continue to bless your precious family. I know when my sister got pregnant with her second, we asked her if she wanted a shower and she did not want one, but then she is well off. She had one given to her by her co-workers and what they gave her, we could not, for they are well off also financially. Even though she was well off, she was still my sister and I lent her my crib which she has had since her first child, who is now 4, and all of my baby things except clothes for I had a girl and she has two boys. I lent or gave her all my expensive things, like the crib, the swing etc. She was very grateful and it saved her money. Now her little baby boy is using my daugther’s crib. She is not Catholic and had her tubes tied after her c-section, so she will be asking me what I want to do with the crib. My husband wants us to hold on to it, but I don’t think we can have another child. I may give it to the pregnancy crisis center we have near us for poor women.

Listen to me go on. Sorry. You’re in my prayer and it is okay to feel sad. Soon you will be so very happy holding that beautiful baby. God Bless you and your family.

thank you.

 

[pilot]

Dear masondoggy,
As someone with a verbally and emotionally abusive mother I can only advise that you try and get past the hurt and negative emotions you’re feeling. The Lords fourth commandment is honor your father and mother. I believe if you can live up to this commandment you will be the better person. Of course, if you drop little hints to your mother from time to time I don’t see how this could hurt. God bless you in your choice.

 

[Saint_Michael]

Traditionally, women used to only get a baby shower for the first baby. That’s the way it was when I was a kid. My wife got one with our son from family, then we had a big gap. She got one from work for our first daughter. For our twins we got some specialty stuff from family, but no shower.

Frankly, you’re an adult now and it isn’t your Mom’s job to take care of your needs. It sounds like she has other obligations too. Maybe she thinks that after 4 kids you ought to have your act together, no offense intended.

The same is the rule in my family, my wife had a shower five years ago with my son, and now she is pregnant again. But since it was so long ago, we had nothing aside from a few blankets, I bought everything from scratch, it cost me thousands and I’m two months behind on my credit card payments. But so is life…

My Mom has money but I don’t expect her to buy me anything. My SIL just had a baby shower 10 months ago because it’s her first child.

I agree you can’t expect other folks to buy stuff for you after your first kid. You get one shower to get you on your feet, then you’re on your own. That’s the way it’s always been in my family too.

 

[masondoggy]

The same is the rule in my family, my wife had a shower five years ago with my son, and now she is pregnant again. But since it was so long ago, we had nothing aside from a few blankets, I bought everything from scratch, it cost me thousands and I’m two months behind on my credit card payments. But so is life…

My Mom has money but I don’t expect her to buy me anything. My SIL just had a baby shower 10 months ago because it’s her first child.

I agree you can’t expect other folks to buy stuff for you after your first kid. You get one shower to get you on your feet, then you’re on your own. That’s the way it’s always been in my family too.

I never expected anybody to buy me anything. That is NOT what this is about.

I am upset because my mother and my sister care more to host a baby shower for a relative when they never could be bothered to host one for me. I never had one.

Maybe that makes me a greedy, spoiled brat. But I can’t help that it hurts my feelings. I can’t change the way I feel and I really wish it did not bother me the way it does.

 

[amills]

Maybe that makes me a greedy, spoiled brat. But I can’t help that it hurts my feelings. I can’t change the way I feel and I really wish it did not bother me the way it does.

Sorry - I don’t buy that. You do have a choice in how you feel. Others do not control your emotions - you do.

My son went to the Dominican Republic on a mission. The priest at mass asked all the women who had lost a baby or child to raise their hand so they could pray for them. Almost every women there raised their hand.

Do you know how gifted you are? Celebrate your gifts and let the hurt go. It isn’t worth it for material things…

 

[masondoggy]

Sorry - I don’t buy that. You do have a choice in how you feel. Others do not control your emotions - you do.

My son went to the Dominican Republic on a mission. The priest at mass asked all the women who had lost a baby or child to raise their hand so they could pray for them. Almost every women there raised their hand.

Do you know how gifted you are? Celebrate your gifts and let the hurt go. It isn’t worth it for material things…

I am NOT hurting for “material” things.

I can’t control my feelings. The only thing I can control is how I act on them, which is why I came here to get this off my chest instead of taking it out on my family. Whether you “buy” that or not doesn’t change it.

 

[amills]

I can’t control my feelings. The only thing I can control is how I act on them, which is why I came here to get this off my chest instead of taking it out on my family. Whether you “buy” that or not doesn’t change it.

Well - that does seem like a smart move. Glad you can vent here then.

 

[sanctareparata]

Masondoggy, I hear you loud and clear.

I threw bridal and baby showers for my sis. She did nothing for me.

I told her that I could loan her our single stroller, infant carseat, changing table, crib, etc. when she asked although they decided to buy all new anyway. But still she knew I was ready to hand them over if the need be - and I went through ds’ clothes to give her too.

But when she received a huge box of baby clothes (sizes 0-24 months) in the mail from a friend she not once asked if I’d like to come over and see what I might like for ds. She said they had so many clothes it was like having “disposable clothing” - they literally had 60 t-shirts, 80 onesies, 12 overalls, 15 coats, etc.

She found cloth diapers in the box as well and when I showed interest (because I cloth diaper, she doesn’t want to) she said NO, I could not have them.

That’s just her. She’s very into herself. Always has been. I get sad and feel totally miserable when it happens but then I remind myself that she’s always been this way - why would I expect anything different?

I’d be hurt too…goodness, I was just reading your post.

When dd was born, I commented, “Oh, I’ve got the only door at the hospital that doesn’t have a baby decoration on it!” (You know - the ribbons and bows and balloons and “It’s a Girl!” sign? My mother commented, “Oh, you’ll get over it! It’s no big deal.” I did get over it. It wasn’t a big deal. Then ds was born and we came home to nothing - not even a blue balloon on tha mailbox. It was like nobody cared. (Of course, sis wouldn’t have thought of doing anything on her own). Then sis had her baby, said the same thing I said, “Oh, I’ve got the only door at the hospital that doesn’t have a baby decoration on it!” and Mom runs down to the giftshop to buy one.

Humph.

Sometimes it’s the family oversights that hurt the most, isn’t it?

 

[masondoggy]

When dd was born, I commented, “Oh, I’ve got the only door at the hospital that doesn’t have a baby decoration on it!” (You know - the ribbons and bows and balloons and “It’s a Girl!” sign? My mother commented, “Oh, you’ll get over it! It’s no big deal.” I did get over it. It wasn’t a big deal. Then ds was born and we came home to nothing - not even a blue balloon on tha mailbox. It was like nobody cared. (Of course, sis wouldn’t have thought of doing anything on her own). Then sis had her baby, said the same thing I said, “Oh, I’ve got the only door at the hospital that doesn’t have a baby decoration on it!” and Mom runs down to the giftshop to buy one.

Humph.

Sometimes it’s the family oversights that hurt the most, isn’t it?

That reminds me of how I felt when I’ve had my other babies. I have a very large extended family and none of them could be bothered to visit me in the hospital when my last two were born. They couldn’t even call or visit when I got home. I remember crying all night in the hospital because it just felt like nobody cared and wanted to share in our joy. I guess maybe that’s at the root of why this bothers me so much now.

Aside from my mom, dad and sister, the only visitors I had in the hospital were DH’s family.

 

[3boyzmom]

I know what you mean. It hurts when someone doesn’t acknowledge something that is so very very important to us, or seem as if they are truly happy for us. We love our children so much, that it is important to us that the people closest to us in our lives love them too.

I’m sure your family loves your kids. They may just not know much about how to show it. At any rate, your children are very fortunate because YOU and your husband love them and from the sound of it know how to show it. So just know that they are fine, and you and your husband are always there for them.

And while I’m at it, one thing you can do to make things different for your children is that, when they’re grown, and getting married, having babies, etc, etc…you will make it a point to do all the things for them that you know will mean so much to them. You will know how important it is to them, because of the way you’re feeling now. So, I know you are hurt, but take heart, I don’t think your kids will ever miss out on a thing!!!

 

[Island_Oak]

I am NOT hurting for “material” things.

I can’t control my feelings. The only thing I can control is how I act on them, which is why I came here to get this off my chest instead of taking it out on my family. Whether you “buy” that or not doesn’t change it.

Hey Mason–I can totally relate to your story and am so sorry you’ve had this hurt come your way. Sounds like it’s not a first for you with some family members…

Anyway…I think your insight and instinct are both operating perfectly well and your are understandably upset by your mom and sister’s self-serving choice to do what felt good for them instead of thinking what might be helpful, thoughtful, comforting to you. I know this is not about material things, but about not having your fears, doubts and needs recognized and acknowledged in a supportive way by those who should be closest to you.

Good for you for having the common sense to vent here and spare yourself the added stress of unloading on your mom + sister. Chalk it up…move ahead…and look around and thank God for the people He put in your life who do care and who fill you up instead of drain you!!

Happy nesting for what time remains!

 

[Princess_Abby]

I think it’s soooo hard sometimes to let go of the hurt and disappointment when family members are seemingly oblivious about our needs. It’s just natural to want them to care.

This past year, I’ve had to really let go of expectations. It’s been tough. No one, in our entire extended family on either side, has even seen the baby (though at this point I think that is probably a big blessing)–much less bought gifts, visited us in the hospital, called to offer support or a meal during my five month recovery, etc. My youngest sister and my brother have seen her a few times, but no one else. It would have been great just to have someone listen or be joyful about her first smile, her first laugh, marvel at her tiny perfection…be empathetic or to hear me vent about the medical bills (hundreds of thousands of dollars, about a 1/3 of which we paid out of pocket for). I had so many emotions I wished I could share with my mom or my sisters–joy at my daughter, fear over the responsibility and just being plain worn out by how sick I was and how needy Sophie was (is). But, in many ways it forced me to look elsewhere for the support I needed.

What I have learned to recognize, however, is that this certainly isn’t the first time that our family, immediate and extended (on both sides), has been disappointingly callous. I’ve realized that since I can’t change them, I need to change my expectations and then the hurt is not so staggering–because their actions no longer surprise me.

I’ve also learned that waiting for them to change is a complete waste of my time. I should spend that time cultivating more friendships with people who actually care about me, and nurturing the ones I already have. Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.

It is also an excellent opportunity to evaluate the kind of relationship I want to have with my dumpling when she is an adult. It’s interesting how parents can often show us how NOT to parent. And in many ways, I consider that a gift.

But, it still hurts and I’m sorry they treated you that way. It sounds like your post wasn’t about gifts at all–it was about feeling loved and that your needs matter to those who are supposed to care about you. I would just encourage you to see that your Heavenly family DOES care about you–as evidenced by the way God has provided. He has not abandoned you, even when it seems that your earthly family is clueless and heartless. Go to Mary when you need a Mom-hug and ask her to hold you safe in her mantle.

 

[KittyKat]

If you lived near me I’d throw the best cheap shower for you. I remember being really upset when IL’s went all out for the unmarried friends and then when I was the one having a baby they figured we could afford it since there were two of us. We did it.
I am scared if we have a girl this time since there isn’t that much money and we can’t dress a little in boys clothes all the time.

 

[masondoggy]

If you lived near me I’d throw the best cheap shower for you. I remember being really upset when IL’s went all out for the unmarried friends and then when I was the one having a baby they figured we could afford it since there were two of us. We did it.
I am scared if we have a girl this time since there isn’t that much money and we can’t dress a little in boys clothes all the time.

LOL.

Thanks everybody for your understanding and encouragement. It really helps a lot right now.