I am the mistress to a married Catholic man, did I doom him to Hell forever?

[MJJean]

Firstly, I am not a troll. It has been my personal misery to have such a deep connection with someone who, is ultimately an adulterer and unavailable.

Is it possible for me to remain friends with him?

As of now, the past week, I am only talking on the phone with him, and only about appropriate things…

Is it wrong to stay friends with your former mistress?

And a great thanks to everyones words of truth.

You didn’t have such a deep connection. That was all in your head. You had an affair with a married man. Any connection was one way. He’s already got a mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual connection to someone else. And their connections have resulted in a real live human baby.

No, you cannot be friends. You never were friends to begin with. At best, one or both of you will want to go back to what you were doing. At worst, it will progress to sex and maybe you’ll end up taking him to court for child support. Which is probably why he didn’t want to have sex. Not because of the sin, but because he just had a baby and does not want to risk making another. Because if you became pregnant and if you took him to court for child support he’d not only have to pay out the nose for the next 18 years, his wife would also find out about his affair and his whole world would crumble to dust.

 

[Kelfa28]

it’s wrong because it’s too much temptation to fall back into the same behaviors.
Ask yourself: Do you think his wife would mind?
Probably.

No, there is no way for you to remain friends with him.

He needs to go back to his wife and child and his wife needs to be able to trust her husband again. How can she trust him if he is still carrying on a relationship of any kind without wondering if he is acting inappropriate with her.

In order for this marriage to heal, and in order for this marriage to be able to provide a stable and loving home for their new child, he needs to cut all ties with you and never contact you again.

Any sane marriage therapist and/or individual counciler would agree.

I think it’s amazing that a husband can betray his wife like this and you would believe him and actually fall in love with him.

For your own healing and self-worth, this goes both ways. You need to cut all ties with him and begin healing yourself and find out what went so wrong for you to fall in love with a married man.
You need to be able to figure out what is wrong and fix it, and to do that you need to cut ties with him and let him be a husband and father.

 

[truetofaith]

Oh. He said women there, so it made me think literally there.

The guy’s not playing with a full deck, so take what he says with a grain of salt.

 

[truetofaith]

Firstly, I am not a troll. It has been my personal misery to have such a deep connection with someone who, is ultimately an adulterer and unavailable.

Is it possible for me to remain friends with him?

As of now, the past week, I am only talking on the phone with him, and only about appropriate things…

Is it wrong to stay friends with your former mistress?

And a great thanks to everyones words of truth.

I don’t think anyone said you were a troll, Ladystardust :dts:
Tomdstone appears to be a troll & the reference was about him.

Do yourself a big favor & don’t see or even talk to your friend, who is legally married & has a child with his wife. It is temptation for him & for you to fall back into a hot & heavy affair. When you first met him his wife was probably pregnant or had just given birth & he wasn’t getting any sex, so you stepped right into her spot.
As someone posted, he didn’t want to get you pregnant & pay child support so he kept it on a lighter sexual level.
Please, try to forget him & find a nice guy who has no entanglements!
But Not at a bar.

 

[truetofaith]

Should I confess to a priest? That wouldn’t do anything for his stake, which is all I care about.

I care about him and you all day he’s unavailable, but if his marriage is only bound by court, isn’t he still technically available?

You are all correct in that he is nothing but bad news, thanks for bringing me to reality. I’m only asking the above for Catholic knowledge

His marriage is not only bound by the court, it’s also bound by a baby!

You said, : “telling his wife is not an option (it will destroy her) I doubt he’ll ever confess to her or a priest.” He probably won’t tell her because he has no intention of leaving her for you, so why cause trouble. When she is back in shape, he will marry her in the Catholic Church & not give any more thought to you .
Sorry to be so blunt, but it appears that is his game.

P.S. My wife said, “he wants his cake and eat it too.”

 

[schaubj57]

Hi ladystardust,

Firstly, I’m very sorry to hear about your current situation. I understand you love this man deeply and this is very delicate situation for you.

Firstly - Yes, it’s adultery. Jesus himself said adultery is committed as soon as one “looks lustfully” on another. So kissing, caressing, etc all counts and is adultery. The Catholic Church teaches this definitively.

Secondly - The fact that it’s a state sanctioned marriage doesn’t change anything. The Church assumes marriage unless proven otherwise. So anyone who is married by any means is considered married. So this idea that “we’re not married by the Church so it’s not really marriage” is also false.

Finally I understand that this is a very difficult situation and I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, but I strongly advise you to break off the relationship with him and move on. He has demonstrated his willingness to cheat on his wife with you and he can just as easily do the same to you later on. Please understand that I’m not judging you, but I fear if you stay with him he’s only going to hurt you worse later on.

In any case - God bless you and I hope He helps you find happiness. Please feel free to come back here and post on this site anytime. All are welcome!

’
So I can’t kiss a woman on the cheek nor get a kiss from a woman on the cheek without committing adultery? I never kiss a woman on the lips unless she is 100% single and I am dating her. Honestly, I have never heard of that.

 

[Allegra]

’
So I can’t kiss a woman on the cheek nor get a kiss from a woman on the cheek without committing adultery? I never kiss a woman on the lips unless she is 100% single and I am dating her. Honestly, I have never heard of that.

Don’t be childish, The OP is sneaking around with a married man and kissing him. The man is trying to pull the line that it isn’t adultery because they aren’t engaging in vaginal penetration. This isn’t the same as giving your Aunt Lucy a peck on the cheak and you know it.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

’
So I can’t kiss a woman on the cheek nor get a kiss from a woman on the cheek without committing adultery? I never kiss a woman on the lips unless she is 100% single and I am dating her. Honestly, I have never heard of that.

I think it depends. Seeing a family/mutual friend and giving a peck on the cheek is different from meeting your side chick for drinks and kissing on her.
My husband has a fraternity brother who, when we go back home, we always meet up with. Not only are they fraternity brothers, they were also roommates and played rugby together. He was also a groomsman at our wedding. He always greets me with a peck on the cheek and a big hug. I think of it like he were my brother or a close family member. I don’t feel like this is adulterous. Also, I would never hang out with any of my husbands male friends unless hubby was there.

 

[truetofaith]

Don’t be childish, The OP is sneaking around with a married man and kissing him. The man is trying to pull the line that it isn’t adultery because they aren’t engaging in vaginal penetration. This isn’t the same as giving your Aunt Lucy a peck on the cheak and you know it.

@Allegra…LOL, boy there are either a lot of trolls on this site or a lot of stupid Catholics!
Maybe they want attention.

 

[truetofaith]

I think it depends. Seeing a family/mutual friend and giving a peck on the cheek is different from meeting your side chick for drinks and kissing on her.
My husband has a fraternity brother who, when we go back home, we always meet up with. Not only are they fraternity brothers, they were also roommates and played rugby together. He was also a groomsman at our wedding. He always greets me with a peck on the cheek and a big hug. I think of it like he were my brother or a close family member. I don’t feel like this is adulterous. Also, I would never hang out with any of my husbands male friends unless hubby was there.

Yeah, & my wife & I don’t play petting games in the nude with our “friends,” after cocktails.

 

[truetofaith]

After 91 posts, I hope Ladystardust gets the message! :doh2: :newidea:

 

[pianistclare]

No, there is no way for you to remain friends with him.

He needs to go back to his wife and child and his wife needs to be able to trust her husband again. How can she trust him if he is still carrying on a relationship of any kind without wondering if he is acting inappropriate with her.

In order for this marriage to heal, and in order for this marriage to be able to provide a stable and loving home for their new child, he needs to cut all ties with you and never contact you again.

Any sane marriage therapist and/or individual counciler would agree.

I think it’s amazing that a husband can betray his wife like this and you would believe him and actually fall in love with him.

For your own healing and self-worth, this goes both ways. You need to cut all ties with him and begin healing yourself and find out what went so wrong for you to fall in love with a married man.
You need to be able to figure out what is wrong and fix it, and to do that you need to cut ties with him and let him be a husband and father.

I guess everybody misunderstood my post. It was an emphatic
NO

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I don’t think anyone said you were a troll, Ladystardust :dts:
Tomdstone appears to be a troll & the reference was about him.

Do yourself a big favor & don’t see or even talk to your friend, who is legally married & has a child with his wife. It is temptation for him & for you to fall back into a hot & heavy affair. When you first met him his wife was probably pregnant or had just given birth & he wasn’t getting any sex, so you stepped right into her spot.
As someone posted, he didn’t want to get you pregnant & pay child support so he kept it on a lighter sexual level.
Please, try to forget him & find a nice guy who has no entanglements!
But Not at a bar.

At over 4000 posts I think Tomdstone deserves the respect of not being called a troll. It is against forum rules to do so. I think that should be respected. I am frustrated with the moral theology of Tomdstone often. It think it is frustrating that some Catholics think the way he does. But that does not mean that he is a troll. Perhaps his tactics and logic are questionable at times but that could be said of many people who I think are not correct.

 

[Allegra]

@Allegra…LOL, boy there are either a lot of trolls on this site or a lot of stupid Catholics!
Maybe they want attention.

“So, you’re saying I’m going to hell because I kissed my grandpa?”

“It’s not really sex because he only used his fingers.”

This sort of logic is why we tell 14-year-olds that they have to be home by 10PM. I start to worry when I hear it from adults.

 

[Allegra]

At over 4000 posts I think Tomdstone deserves the respect of not being called a troll. It is against forum rules to do so. I think that should be respected. I am frustrated with the moral theology of Tomdstone often. It think it is frustrating that some Catholics think the way he does. But that does not mean that he is a troll. Perhaps his tactics and logic are questionable at times but that could be said of many people who I think are not correct.

4000 posts or not, the dude’s got trollish leanings.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Yeah, & my wife & I don’t play petting games in the nude with our “friends,” after cocktails.

You don’t?! What the heck is wrong with you? Friendly nude petting games are totally the norm.
Oh boy.

 

[Allegra]

You don’t?! What the heck is wrong with you? Friendly nude petting games are totally the norm.
Oh boy.

All the cool kids are doing it.

 

[Anglewannabe]

My husband has a fraternity brother who, when we go back home, we always meet up with. Not only are they fraternity brothers, they were also roommates and played rugby together. He was also a groomsman at our wedding. He always greets me with a peck on the cheek and a big hug. I think of it like he were my brother or a close family member.** I don’t feel like this is adulterous.** Also, I would never hang out with any of my husbands male friends unless hubby was there.

Of course not, he is doing it in full view of your husband. His intentions are probably to show your husband he has respect for you

 

[EasterJoy]

Firstly, I am not a troll. It has been my personal misery to have such a deep connection with someone who, is ultimately an adulterer and unavailable.

Is it possible for me to remain friends with him?

As of now, the past week, I am only talking on the phone with him, and only about appropriate things…

Is it wrong to stay friends with your former mistress?

And a great thanks to everyones words of truth.

Firstly, my heart goes out to you. I do not doubt that you really care about him.

Yes, it is wrong to stay friends. I’m sorry, but this was not a single momentary lapse in judgment. This is a serious case of emotional betrayal of his wife and his wedding vows. It was also a serious case of denial. In other words, you are to him as a bottle of liquor is to an alcoholic. You are too much of a temptation. That is why you cannot help him with whatever issues he needs to work out. You need to give him the equivalent of pouring all his liquor down the drain and explaining bluntly that he is throwing away happiness with his child and the mother of his child with both hands. It is the height of foolishness, and it needs to stop.

I can understand that this will be a very difficult thing to do, because so often these affairs start between people who might have been good friends if they had been more vigilant with themselves. Perhaps, however, he is not the sort who can have platonic friendships with women. That is not rare at all. I would not call it a character defect, but it is not a character trait that can be ignored.

That is not yours to concern yourself with. If you are his friend, however, you need to be a friend to his marriage. Divorce is devastating, not just to the person who was betrayed, and not just to the children involved. It is devastating to the person who realizes too late that he ruined everything through his selfish betrayal. Otherwise good people fall into these serious sins too often. It doesn’t mean they have no goodness in them, but it does mean they have a weakness that they cannot ever allow themselves to deny. Don’t have any more part in this denial. Leave, and leave unequivocally. I do not think you will ever regret it, because it is the right thing to do.

 

[EasterJoy]

@Allegra…LOL, boy there are either a lot of trolls on this site or a lot of stupid Catholics!
Maybe they want attention.

What is more stupid, than to be a sinner? We are all stupid Catholics, some of the time.