I am the mistress to a married Catholic man, did I doom him to Hell forever?

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ladystardust

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A serious question. I need to the know the truth.

A few months ago I began going for late night cocktails with a married man, and a new father, in fact.

He insists that the adultery never extends beyond kissing, caressing, viewing each other nude, basically everything but sex. He seems content with these amorous exchanges, and promises me that because he is only married through the state and not the church yet, it is really not yet adultery.

In every other sense of his life he is a Catholic man.

My question to you all relates to the validity of his statements, as I am deeply in love with him. Is it not yet adultery? Would the church care about state sanctioned marriage or can he leave his wife and child? Is there anywhere that states “everything except sex” is okay?

What is the Catholic perspective on this?
 
Here’s a common sense perspective:

Say he uses these lines on you, but instead you’re the wife, not the mistress. Has he cheated on you or not?

Even if the sin isn’t adultery if he’s not validly married, there’s still a lot of sinning going on. Stay away from him and stay away from married men - even just “going for cocktails.” That is not appropriate behavior.

In Catholicism we have an understanding that we should avoid what are called “near occasions of sin” - putting ourselves in situations where we’re likely to experience heightened temptations. It’s also wrong to tempt others. What’s the point of undressing around and doing “everything but sex” with someone who isn’t your spouse?

I can’t see in any way how this man is “in every other sense” a Catholic man. With what you’ve said here, I can’t see how this man is practicing his faith at all. 🤷
 
You are correct, on paper he doesn’t seem Catholic at all.

I often wonder how he can proclaim his faith to me one moment and then cheat on his wife.

I am truly in love with him but that doesn’t forgive anything.

I’m just wondering if he’ll go to Hell or anything, since telling his wife is not an option (it will destroy her) I doubt he’ll ever confess to her or a priest.

I think he enjoys the illusion of appearing Catholic to everyone more than anything.
 
ladystardust said:
You are correct, on paper he doesn’t seem Catholic at all.

I often wonder how he can proclaim his faith to me one moment and then cheat on his wife.

I am truly in love with him but that doesn’t forgive anything.

I’m just wondering if he’ll go to Hell or anything, since telling his wife is not an option (it will destroy her) I doubt he’ll ever confess to her or a priest.

I think he enjoys the illusion of appearing Catholic to everyone more than anything.
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He has the opportunity to repent, though he is putting his soul in mortal danger. It’s not your fault what he chooses to do, but you shouldn’t assist him in doing wrong.

I would suggest you try very hard to rid yourself of the notion that you are “in love” with him. You are infatuated, sure, and those feelings are strong. But he is unavailable. Not only is he putting his own soul in danger, but he is doing wrong by his wife and by you. Why be with someone who feels like he can use the women in his life?

If you cut off contact with him and stick to it - you’ll find the feelings do go away, in time. Stick to men who are available and don’t use women.
 
Why do you think so little of yourself that you would settle for a skunk?

What do you think he will tell the next mistress if you become the “wife”?

This is a man with a young baby, a wife he married outside the Church, and a claim to be a good Catholic except for the hanky-pinky he has going on with you. This guy is delusional and an embarrassment to Catholics everywhere

He is bad news all the way around.
 
As far as repenting, we have until our last breath to do so. If he commits grave sins and never repents, the yes he is in peril of Hell. Same for all of us. You should think about where undressing with a man and doing “everything but sex” places your own soul in relation to God also. Don’t just be worried about him, be worried about your own conduct before God. We all have to account for what we have done. Stop this behavior and send him home to his wife. Yes he should go to Confession, but that is on him. You should too, and if you are not Catholic ask God to forgive you in sincere prayer.
 
Should I confess to a priest? That wouldn’t do anything for his stake, which is all I care about.

I care about him and you all day he’s unavailable, but if his marriage is only bound by court, isn’t he still technically available?

You are all correct in that he is nothing but bad news, thanks for bringing me to reality. I’m only asking the above for Catholic knowledge
 
ladystardust said:
A serious question. I need to the know the truth.

A few months ago I began going for late night cocktails with a married man, and a new father, in fact.

He insists that the adultery never extends beyond kissing, caressing, viewing each other nude, basically everything but sex. He seems content with these amorous exchanges, and promises me that because he is only married through the state and not the church yet, it is really not yet adultery.
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What would you say about that if YOU were his wife?
In every other sense of his life he is a Catholic man.
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Really? He cheats on his wife, lies to her, lies to you – is that your definition of “a Catholic man”?
My question to you all relates to the validity of his statements, as I am deeply in love with him. Is it not yet adultery? Would the church care about state sanctioned marriage or can he leave his wife and child? Is there anywhere that states “everything except sex” is okay?
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What is the Catholic perspective on this?
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The Catholic perspective is the same as the perspective of anyone with any ethics – he’s a cheater, a liar, an adulterer.

Do you really think that a man who cheats on his wife won’t cheat on his mistress?
 
ladystardust said:
Should I confess to a priest? That wouldn’t do anything for his stake, which is all I care about.

I care about him and you all day he’s unavailable, but if his marriage is only bound by court, isn’t he still technically available?

You are all correct in that he is nothing but bad news, thanks for bringing me to reality. I’m only asking the above for Catholic knowledge
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His marriage is presumed valid unless he obtains a declaration of nullity. If he married outside of the Church, yes, he could probably obtain a declaration of nullity for defect of form. But until a request is filed, the marriage is presumed valid.

Would you see fit to date a man who engages in conjugal living with another woman, and is raising children with her, just because he isn’t “technically” married? I wouldn’t. I would imagine the mother of his children operates under the assumption that they have a monogamous relationship. So even if he’s not committing adultery, he IS lying to her.
 
pensmama87 said:
His marriage is presumed valid unless he obtains a declaration of nullity. If he married outside of the Church, yes, he could probably obtain a declaration of nullity for defect of form. But until a request is filed, the marriage is presumed valid.
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There is no presumption of validity for a person who has attempted marriage outside the Church. There is also no decree of nullity in such a case.
pensmama87 said:
Would you see fit to date a man who engages in conjugal living with another woman, and is raising children with her, just because he isn’t “technically” married? I wouldn’t. I would imagine the mother of his children operates under the assumption that they have a monogamous relationship. So even if he’s not committing adultery, he IS lying to her.
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Yeah, a real creep.
 
ladystardust said:
My question to you all relates to the validity of his statements, as I am deeply in love with him. Is it not yet adultery? Would the church care about state sanctioned marriage or can he leave his wife and child? Is there anywhere that states “everything except sex” is okay?

What is the Catholic perspective on this?
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Hi ladystardust,

Firstly, I’m very sorry to hear about your current situation. I understand you love this man deeply and this is very delicate situation for you.

Firstly - Yes, it’s adultery. Jesus himself said adultery is committed as soon as one “looks lustfully” on another. So kissing, caressing, etc all counts and is adultery. The Catholic Church teaches this definitively.

Secondly - The fact that it’s a state sanctioned marriage doesn’t change anything. The Church assumes marriage unless proven otherwise. So anyone who is married by any means is considered married. So this idea that “we’re not married by the Church so it’s not really marriage” is also false.

Finally I understand that this is a very difficult situation and I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, but I strongly advise you to break off the relationship with him and move on. He has demonstrated his willingness to cheat on his wife with you and he can just as easily do the same to you later on. Please understand that I’m not judging you, but I fear if you stay with him he’s only going to hurt you worse later on.

In any case - God bless you and I hope He helps you find happiness. Please feel free to come back here and post on this site anytime. All are welcome! 🙂
 
No. He can repent of that sin. He is still alive.

Yes. That sin is deadly, and unrepented of … could land you both in hell.

Your current questioning of this behavior is a good sign. But it has to be more than just knowing right from wrong … follow through and make that change. If it is hard to do … then that’s even more to your credit.

Praying for all three of you. Or is it four (if you are also married and cheating)?

Thanks for posting … you may have helped others you don’t know about. 🙂 - *Do the right thing! *
 
Are you kidding me? Of COURSE it’s adultary. That’s someone’s daddy you are messing with! How could you possibly think that interfering in anyone’s family is acceptable, no matter what religions are involved? That poor baby! What you’re doing is horrible, selfish, and has absolutely nothing to do with love. Even if the dirtbag would cheat anyway with some other woman (and he probably would) you’d think you’d have enough self-respect to make sure that he wasn’t doing it with you!
 
1ke said:
There is no presumption of validity for a person who has attempted marriage outside the Church. There is also no decree of nullity in such a case.
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Ah, thanks for the clarification.
 
ladystardust said:
You are correct, on paper he doesn’t seem Catholic at all.

I often wonder how he can proclaim his faith to me one moment and then cheat on his wife.

I am truly in love with him but that doesn’t forgive anything.

I’m just wondering if he’ll go to Hell or anything, since telling his wife is not an option (it will destroy her) I doubt he’ll ever confess to her or a priest.

I think he enjoys the illusion of appearing Catholic to everyone more than anything.
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He would not ever be required to confess to his wife except for a practical reason like explaining why she needs to get tested for an STD. Anything he confessed to the priest would be totally secret–priests have been martyred before revealing something from a confession.

But that is not the main concern. Yes, you may be a source of temptation for him, but he still bears the final responsibility for his acts. Did you set out to seduce him before the two of you started having drinks? Are you now trying to keep him in the relationship altho he wants to leave?

Anyway, aside from that, I agree with the other posters about a man who would behave like that. You seem like a very nice, possibly young, lady. This relationship may be filled with good feelings, but the good feelings are surrounded by really bad circumstances. No matter how this turns out, there will be pain involved. Altho it would hurt you to break it off now, I think that would be better than waiting around for him to inflict devastating pain on his innocent wife to be with you, don’t you?

i’ll pray for you.
 
Walk away, for your own sake as well as his. There are some people who will say anything to get what they want. Morality needs to win here. Make a good confession and look ahead. No regrets.
 
Yes, it’s totally adultery.

I can see meeting someone, going on a few dates and not knowing they were married. People can lie. I wanna know why you would still want to be with someone knowing they are married with a baby?! Would you want that done to you?
 
How do you feel about yourself being part of an adulterous relationship? He is deceiving his wife so what makes you think he won’t deceive you? You may think it is flattering that he wants to spend time with you and not his wife, but it is a losing predicament. You will end up losing in the end and not only your self respect.
Save yourself the emotional turmoil and get out of this relationship.
 
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