I am the mistress to a married Catholic man, did I doom him to Hell forever?

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You know you’re violating both the sixth and the ninth commandments. Your attraction for each other is fundamentally unchaste. You are betraying his wife’s trust and abetting his violation of his vows to God and his wife. Do you think God or his wife would look in on what you do and say, “oh, hey, as long as there is no intercourse, you’re good! Go for it!”?

Do not try to fool yourself and do not allow the evil one to fool you.

You need to break off contact. If he asks why, just say, “Check the 10 Commandments. This is wrong. It is an offense against God and an offense against your wife. There is no way to ‘clean up’ our relationship. It is poisoned with sin. It needs to end. Now. Period.”

That is the best thing you can do. Go to confession, pray for him, but refuse all contact. He may very well need help to sort out his feelings or whatever he’s going through, but you are the last person on the planet who can help him with any of that now. What you need to do is to make yourself scarce.

Under no circumstances should you ever date an unrepentant cheater. Don’t *ever *do that again. Any time some guy describes past cheating (or even other people’s cheating) and puts the blame on anyone whatsoever except himself or tries to excuse himself in any way, dump him. Having compassion for why people fall is one thing; that is not what I mean. This kind of situation is terrifically easy to be lured into, of course it is! Someone who is making excuses for these situations, though, is waving a red flag. Run the other way.
 
Yes, its wrong. Its lying, cheating and dishonorable even before we get into the technicalities of religion. With that said I want to challenge the OP to spend some time looking inward, you need to extricate yourself from this guy because he is bad news. You need to spend some time alone. I find that in my limited personal experience people who participate in these behaviors with people who are attached/married often do so because of trama/ self esteem issues. Please explore why you don’t feel you deserve better.
 
If I were in your shoes I would concentrate on resolving this situation I have myself in and I would not worry about his “Catholic” state. He has some souls searching to do as his marriage is not a valid Catholic marriage, he has a wife and children he is responsible for and he is cheating on cheating on his marriage and that is a problem. You need to out him behind you and do it as quickly as possible as every you remain with him is a minute of your life wasted. I will pray for you to be able to remove yourself from all of this.
 
Sorry, Ladystardust…if you keep up this routine, you are both headed for hell. Even if he wasn’t married, you are both still committing sin.
Before you allow yourself to fall in love with someone, red flags should have been alerting you both to a dangerous and impossible relationship! :hmmm:

Both of you should confess your sins to God in whatever way you can & he can try to love his wife and you can find a man who is free to love and marry you!
 
As someone who has been there, not to mention witnessed many of my friends go through similar situations:

End it. Now.

You have already stated his wife would be destroyed if she found out about your shenanigans. Why cooperate with the destruction of a person - especially a woman who no doubt knows your paramour a lot better than you do.

Find someone who will value you and not compromise you in such a way.

Although it sounds like a cliche: You deserve better!
 
Modern_Revert said:
As someone who has been there, not to mention witnessed many of my friends go through similar situations:

End it. Now.

You have already stated his wife would be destroyed if she found out about your shenanigans. Why cooperate with the destruction of a person - especially a woman who no doubt knows your paramour a lot better than you do.

Find someone who will value you and not compromise you in such a way.

Although it sounds like a cliche: You deserve better!
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They are in a hole that no one who has been there would recommend; at least, not anyone with any spiritual awareness.

They may very well be two people with real needs, and who knows what factors might mitigate their culpability for what is objectively a mortally sinful situation, but sometimes sympathy can blind you to the fact that you are exactly the opposite of the cure. You only see the need and want to help out. Well, sometimes you are exactly what is going to make the problem worse. Keeping contact with this fellow will make the fellow’s problem worse–he’s not going to repent of what is right there still luring him–and it is going to make the OP’s problem worse, too, because it will keep her from finding an appropriate and healthy relationship.

She needs to leave now, and realize that this is the most compassionate and helpful thing she can do, whether her illicit lover makes good on the opportunity to repent and amend himself or not. If she sees to her own repentance and amendment and openly lets him know that she’s leaving because what they have been doing is totally and irrevocably wrong, she’ll have done her part for him. When she prays for him, she ought to pray for all in a similar situation, and not use her petitions to incite a greater personal affection in herself for him than she ought to have. She needs to renounce all thought that she has some special place in his life. That is exactly what she should not have, at all.

That is the main caveat: “He’s going to Hell and it is my fault” can be a temptation to keep some shred of a connection that was wrong from the very beginning. Commend him to God, and let go ENTIRELY. God can be trusted to care more about his soul that you do.
 
I think in my heart you already know this is wrong even from a Catholic perspective. I hope you can untangle yourself from this situation immediately. It’s wrong from the get go and a new Father no less? Say it isn’t so. But it is. YOU can do the right thing right now,
morally and from a Catholic perspective.

Mary.
 
By looking at a man’s past, you can take a good guess how he’ll react in the future.

He’s a cheater.

I would never wish that on any woman with a new baby, a man cheating on her. Shame on him. What a HUGE red flag to you. Run. Run and as far as you can go.

Another comment. A Catholic man when dating is to treat his date honorably. It is a time to discern whether or not the person is to be a life partner. When they have sex before it’s time the hormones get involved and they can’t think straight any more. They ‘bind’ themselves together when they never should have. How many people have lived together, got married, and 5 years down the road they wonder what on earth they were thinking! Why do you think the divorce rate is so high? Having sex before properly discerning who that person is is a recipe for disaster. The reason is that God made sex to be the super glue of marriage to get the couple through difficulties. When we break God’s commandments, we apply the super glue before it’s time. I suspect that’s exactly why you’ve become so bonded and attached to him. God certainly wishes so much more for you! He wants to bless you and bless the children you have. You are stepping outside of that blessing. Don’t do it.

Saying a prayer for you right now and putting you into the embrace of our Blessed Mother.
 
PennyinCanada said:
By looking at a man’s past, you can take a good guess how he’ll react in the future.

He’s a cheater.
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I’m not his biggest fan, but Dr Phil always says that the best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.
 
He’s dooming himself…
Wise up and repent and leave him alone!
 
MaryT777 said:
I think in my heart you already know this is wrong even from a Catholic perspective. I hope you can untangle yourself from this situation immediately. It’s wrong from the get go and a new Father no less? Say it isn’t so. But it is. YOU can do the right thing right now,
morally and from a Catholic perspective.

Mary.
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THIS. Print it out. PASTE IT TO YOUR MIRROR. Read it every morning, and tell yourself that there are no more lies coming from inside your head anymore.
You have bought into the lies. He’s lying. You know it’s wrong. Stop it. Just stop it.

There’s a good man out there. You won’t be available when he turns up in your life if you are still stuck with this loser. He’s a loser. You will totally miss a chance for a real relationship.
You want to end up like his poor wife? Alone, with a baby at home while he plays around?
Because that’s all you’re going to end up with, unless of course, he dumps you first. After all, he is married to someone else.

PASTE IT TO YOUR MIRROR. And say to yourself:
**I’m not going to allow myself to destroy his family.
I’m not going to allow him to destroy me.
It stops today. **
 
Tomdstone said:
How would it be adultery if there is no sex and the man is not married ?
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It’s been explained to the OP that even if the sin is not adultery, there is a lot of sinning going on. Deception and lust being biggies.
 
ladystardust.

You KNOW what must be done with this philanderer.

Write down the following checklist.
  • Pray daily for wisdom and strength to know AND do God’s will.
  • Avoid the near occasion to this sin like the plague. For example. If you know he’s going to be at the golf course, get a different membership elsewhere.
  • Make it CLEAR the very next time he contacts you, you want absolutely NO CONTACT with him.
  • Make sure he knows even if he puts in a Facebook friend request, you are going to take it to the city/county attorney and ask for a Restraining Order due to his “Stalking” of you. Remind him this will generate a Court record and thereby potentially make his behavior public knowledge. Use these terms and phrases as it will get the message across crystal clear that the days of you being his bimbo are over.
  • If “phil” (the philanderer) DOES contact you, follow through with the above immediately. I won’t give you legal advice on a forum (I am not offering legal council), but at that point you will be dealing with an attorney, and he/she will give you proper and appropriate legal guidance.
  • Pray to repair the harm you have done against yourself. Him, his wife, and his children. I say " children" and not just “child” because there is proverbial " nuclear fallout " from sins like this that effect him and subsequently, the people around him. He will subtly telegraph his example to his children eventually without radical Divine intervention. His children may then likely imitate this sinful behavior perpetuating the pain onto others too through imitation. The poor guy needs grace as do those around him. Extra grace now with this terrible situation.
  • Even if you are not Catholic, go and sit and pray in a Catholic Adoration Chapel about an hour a week. You will understand later why I said this.
Hope this helps.

God bless.

Cathoholic
 
masondoggy said:
To sum things up: He’s a creep and YOU deserve better.
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I don’t see how their actions are any different. They are both facilitating adultery. They are both acting like creeps, and right now they deserve each other.
 
That did cross my mind - “ooo, let’s see if I can get a Catholic to say this is OK because it isn’t technically adultery!”

But hey, enough people end up in these situations for real. Stranger than fiction.
 
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