I am the mistress to a married Catholic man, did I doom him to Hell forever?

[Burt_Macklin]

I would want to know, but NOT from the woman!

If a man were to tell me he was having an affair with my wife I would shake his hand and thank him for doing me a favor. I don’t care who I heard it from. I would want to know.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

…and if he doesn’t?

What is stopping him from moving on to another woman, if he hasn’t found another already, and engaging in an intimate relationship with someone else?

This poor wife is probably at great risk to contracting a disease that she would have no way of protecting herself from.

Keeping the wife in the dark will prevent her from making informed decisions on her health, the health of her future children, on her own protection and her new child’s protection.

We aren’t talking to the husband. We have no idea what the husband’s true intentions are so all things should be considered.

If it were me? I’d want to know.
I’d want to know so I could protect my health, protect the family finances (from being spent on various mistresses and other people), and protect my mental health and well-being.
I couldn’t care less who told me.

If I was told I’d be upset but at least I’d be informed and could make informed decisions.

Personally, I thinking keeping a wife in the dark about something like adultery is very dangerous.
She may or may not want to reconcile and she is well within her right to do so. She wouldn’t be sinning either way but she could at least protect herself from serious harm delivered to her that is completely against her will.

You make valid points. But the onus is on the man to tell his wife. A mistress does not know the inner workings of a marriage or family, she does not have a clean unbiased slate to make a decision from. And she cares not for the health of the wife or the welfare of the children but of her self, her sense of justice, and most likely the possibility that she can have the man all to herself. Her motives are not only not pure but she indeed has motive to lie. You may think you want to know, you may even want to know. But the mistress is not the one to make that call in a marriage. Ever. It is on the man to decide if the adultery needs to be confessed, or not. He is the one in the marriage, he is the one who is one with the wife, and he is the one ultimately charged with the welfare of his family. Not the woman on the side. The woman on the side cares nothing for the wife or the kids, she cares only about her own guilt, and perhaps getting the man. Disguising this as an altruistic decision to “tell” the other woman is not the right way to go about it. What she needs to do is STOP immediately, go to confession, and move on. If she wants to do anything beyond that, she can tell the man to do the same and to go back to his wife.

 

[truetofaith]

…and if he doesn’t?

What is stopping him from moving on to another woman, if he hasn’t found another already, and engaging in an intimate relationship with someone else?

This poor wife is probably at great risk to contracting a disease that she would have no way of protecting herself from.

Keeping the wife in the dark will prevent her from making informed decisions on her health, the health of her future children, on her own protection and her new child’s protection.

We aren’t talking to the husband. We have no idea what the husband’s true intentions are so all things should be considered.

If it were me? I’d want to know.
I’d want to know so I could protect my health, protect the family finances (from being spent on various mistresses and other people), and protect my mental health and well-being.
I couldn’t care less who told me.

If I was told I’d be upset but at least I’d be informed and could make informed decisions.

Personally, I thinking keeping a wife in the dark about something like adultery is very dangerous.
She may or may not want to reconcile and she is well within her right to do so. She wouldn’t be sinning either way but she could at least protect herself from serious harm delivered to her that is completely against her will.

You may be right… but the mistress shouldn’t tell the wife!

 

[Burt_Macklin]

You may be right… but the mistress shouldn’t tell the wife!

So she should leave the dirt work to someone else? It isn’t as if they have to sit down for a heart to heart. All she has to do is tell the wife anonymously and be done with it.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

So she should leave the dirt work to someone else? It isn’t as if they have to sit down for a heart to heart. All she has to do is tell the wife anonymously and be done with it.

Yes, she should leave it to the person who is breaking the vow of marriage within the marriage. IF every woman could just anonymously pick up the phone and separate what God joined I shudder to think of the phone calls any of us would get. Not because of some affair, but because of someone who covets something that they do not have…

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Yes, she should leave it to the person who is breaking the vow of marriage within the marriage. IF every woman could just anonymously pick up the phone and separate what God joined I shudder to think of the phone calls any of us would get. Not because of some affair, but because of someone who covets something that they do not have…

If I recall correctly from earlier in the thread the man isn’t married. There is no what God has joined together to separate in this particular case.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

If I recall correctly from earlier in the thread the man isn’t married. There is no what God has joined together to separate in this particular case.

The point still stands. A mistress has no expectation to even be believed. Not only that but her safety can be compromised if she goes down that road. There are a lot of murders because of infidelity. And if daytime TV serves as any indicator, lots of fights too. I have no idea if I would want to know. I suppose it depends on the circumstances. And those are circumstances that only my wife could really discern if it was best to tell me. Not some guy she was having on the side…He does not know what is best for me, my family, my health… It simply is not his place to schtoop my wife, nor tell me about it.

BTW my wife would never do that, ever.

All I know is someone mentioned anoymously telling. I cannot think of a worse idea. Imagine if today, I got a call from someone that I did not know and said my wife was cheating on me, imagine the problems that might cause, true or not. Nope. The mistress only moral obligation is to stop sinning herself.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

If I recall correctly from earlier in the thread the man isn’t married. There is no what God has joined together to separate in this particular case.

The title says he is married. How is he not? Has there been an annulment or such?

 

[Hans_W]

If a man were to tell me he was having an affair with my wife I would shake his hand and thank him for doing me a favor. I don’t care who I heard it from. I would want to know.

I would wring his neck.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

If a man were to tell me he was having an affair with my wife I would shake his hand and thank him for doing me a favor. I don’t care who I heard it from. I would want to know.

Most ridiculous/ funniest post I have ever read on here! Ever.



Man, I want to know what it would be like in that head of yours! Just for a weekend!

 

[Kelfa28]

You make valid points. But the onus is on the man to tell his wife. A mistress does not know the inner workings of a marriage or family, she does not have a clean unbiased slate to make a decision from. And she cares not for the health of the wife or the welfare of the children but of her self, her sense of justice, and most likely the possibility that she can have the man all to herself. Her motives are not only not pure but she indeed has motive to lie. You may think you want to know, you may even want to know. But the mistress is not the one to make that call in a marriage. Ever. It is on the man to decide if the adultery needs to be confessed, or not. He is the one in the marriage, he is the one who is one with the wife, and he is the one ultimately charged with the welfare of his family. Not the woman on the side. The woman on the side cares nothing for the wife or the kids, she cares only about her own guilt, and perhaps getting the man. Disguising this as an altruistic decision to “tell” the other woman is not the right way to go about it. What she needs to do is STOP immediately, go to confession, and move on. If she wants to do anything beyond that, she can tell the man to do the same and to go back to his wife.

She does need to stop this and go to confession and move on.
But I believe she has a duty to tell the wife as well.

IMHO, the husband who is committing adultery is absolutely NOT thinking about his wife, any subsequent children and the general welfare of his family.
He is just as likely to lie to his wife as the mistress is. He is probably more likely to lie then the mistress because he has plenty more to lose.

The husband clearly cares nothing for the wife. Nothing more then the mistress. He cares about his own needs and gains and not for his wife. Anyone who commits adultery by bringing another person into the marriage, clearly does not have the best interest of his wife/husband and is NOT fulfilling his/her role within the marriage.
The husband is not protecting the wife or his children.

Why not have the mistress tell the wife?
Clearly, she could be, and probably is, doing this for selfish reasons but at least she’s putting the power back into the wife’s hands.
The wife can then decide if she wants to reconcile. She can take back control within her marriage and put a stop to this nonsense.
She could stop intimacy and demand that he get checked for any diseases, for her own protection.
She could open her own bank account and set aside paychecks and savings that can no longer be spent on gifts, hotel rooms, dinners and other things for his mistress.
She could speak to a lawyer and at least find out what her rights are, should she chose to proceed with divorce.
She could demand No Contact and complete transparency with phones, computers, emails, bank accounts and so on, just so she is at peace and trust can be rebuilt.
They could go to counseling both individual and marriage and try to fix this brokeness.

There would be very real consequences if the husband is outed.
At least the wife could make the decision on her own.
The mistress wouldn’t have a say within the marriage if she reveals it or not. She can’t decide for them if they reconcile or divorce. If they do divorce, the chances of success within their own “relationship” has very little, to no chance, of succedding anyway since trust was never their to begin with.

All the mistress would be doing is giving the wife a head’s up and letting her know vital information that could save her marriage or at least save herself from more damage and destruction.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

She does need to stop this and go to confession and move on.
But I believe she has a duty to tell the wife as well.

IMHO, the husband who is committing adultery is absolutely NOT thinking about his wife, any subsequent children and the general welfare of his family.
He is just as likely to lie to his wife as the mistress is. He is probably more likely to lie then the mistress because he has plenty more to lose.

The husband clearly cares nothing for the wife. Nothing more then the mistress. He cares about his own needs and gains and not for his wife. Anyone who commits adultery by bringing another person into the marriage, clearly does not have the best interest of his wife/husband and is NOT fulfilling his/her role within the marriage.
The husband is not protecting the wife or his children.

Why not have the mistress tell the wife?
Clearly, she could be, and probably is, doing this for selfish reasons but at least she’s putting the power back into the wife’s hands.
The wife can then decide if she wants to reconcile. She can take back control within her marriage and put a stop to this nonsense.
She could stop intimacy and demand that he get checked for any diseases, for her own protection.
She could open her own bank account and set aside paychecks and savings that can no longer be spent on gifts, hotel rooms, dinners and other things for his mistress.
She could speak to a lawyer and at least find out what her rights are, should she chose to proceed with divorce.
She could demand No Contact and complete transparency with phones, computers, emails, bank accounts and so on, just so she is at peace and trust can be rebuilt.
They could go to counseling both individual and marriage and try to fix this brokeness.

There would be very real consequences if the husband is outed.
At least the wife could make the decision on her own.
The mistress wouldn’t have a say within the marriage if she reveals it or not. She can’t decide for them if they reconcile or divorce. If they do divorce, the chances of success within their own “relationship” has very little, to no chance, of succedding anyway since trust was never their to begin with.

All the mistress would be doing is giving the wife a head’s up and letting her know vital information that could save her marriage or at least save herself from more damage and destruction.

I just hope if someone has an eye on your husband they do not read your post to get any ideas…

 

[Kelfa28]

Just to add.

If I went to my Gyno and discovered that I had an irregular pap smear the needed further testing or developed a rash/irregularity that needed to be checked out and then found out I had contracted a disease (an incurable one at that) while in a so-called “faithful” marriage and no-one gave me a heads up, so I could have at least made an effort to prevent this from happening…
I’d be angry at the fact that no one, not even the mistresses, cared to tell me what my husband was up to.
Any thoughts of who has or had the “right” to reveal to me what was going on in my marriage would be totally out the window at that point.

Is this the way wives should find out that their husbands have been unfaithful? Is this a better option then the mistress saying something at an earlier time?
There are plenty of diseases that hide and grow progressively worse as time goes on.

It may not be “right” or “good” but at least this women could potentially save herself, be around her children for a long time and protect any other children she may want to have in the future.

 

[Kelfa28]

I just hope if someone has an eye on your husband they do not read your post to get any ideas…

God help my husband.

But I guess, it would be on my husband to cross that line…but he knows where I stand when it comes to infidelity anyway.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

God help my husband.

But I guess, it would be on my husband to cross that line…but he knows where I stand when it comes to infidelity anyway.

My point was, what if he wasn’t unfaithful. What if someone just wanted him for themselves…

I think you are mixed up. The argument should a spouse be told of an affair can be differnt for each marriage, but the argument, should the mistress tell, is odd. Yes, you may want to know, but no, it is not the mistress’ place to tell you. it is not their place to further potentially destroy your family. They have done enough, if they cared about your health, or about you the best thing they can do is not sleep with your man. And if it does happen, the argument should be made that it is the offender in the marriage that should tell.

I will tell you this. If I had to choose between protecting my family from a mistake and a blabby mistress telling my wife, I can see why there are holes in the desert filled with bodies… Not that I would do that.Either of those things! But there is a reason they call them crimes of passion. Best to just stay away from any of it period!

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Most ridiculous/ funniest post I have ever read on here! Ever.



Man, I want to know what it would be like in that head of yours! Just for a weekend!

A very wise man once told me it is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.

I would appreciate the honesty of anyone that decided to tell me my wife was unfaithful rather than let me be duped.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

A very wise man once told me it is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.

I would appreciate the honesty of anyone that decided to tell me my wife was unfaithful rather than let me be duped.

That is messed up… And apparently you do not understand motives. Gee buddy, I care about you so much, I just can’t keep it from you any longer, I have been sleeping with your wife!? Lets hug it out…

You would be a fun guy at a bar!

 

[Kelfa28]

My point was, what if he wasn’t unfaithful. What if someone just wanted him for themselves…

I think you are mixed up. The argument should a spouse be told of an affair can be differnt for each marriage, but the argument, should the mistress tell, is odd. Yes, you may want to know, but no, it is not the mistress’ place to tell you. it is not their place to further potentially destroy your family. They have done enough, if they cared about your health, or about you the best thing they can do is not sleep with your man. And if it does happen, the argument should be made that it is the offender in the marriage that should tell.

I will tell you this. If I had to choose between protecting my family from a mistake and a blabby mistress telling my wife, I can see why there are holes in the desert filled with bodies… Not that I would do that.Either of those things! But there is a reason they call them crimes of passion. Best to just stay away from any of it period!

Ah…yes, I did misread your post.

Well, yes that would complicate things and my poor husband would be in a pickle.
I would probably overreact and it would take a lot for him to prove that he wasn’t unfaithful.

I have a hard time believing that any woman would make an attempt to lie to a wife and break up a marriage because she wanted the husband…who was nothing but faithful and loyal within the marriage and never dreamed about going outside of his vows.

Something would have happened to provoke a woman into making that determination for herself. Unless, she is completely and utterly crazy.

I believe it’s far more likely, and dangerous, that no one says anything to the wife and the husband continues to galavant around recklessly with no regard for his wife or family.

My stance is, while I would rather hear from a source other then the mistress, I could really care less who told me…at least someone tells me.

How about the mistresses who do not know they are mistresses?
Especially with online dating. People lie all the time and can start realtionships with others who are in the dark about there lovers dark secrets.
If they find out and are disgusted by the fact that they are involved with someone who is married…can they tell the spouse?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I have a hard time believing that any woman would make an attempt to lie to a wife and break up a marriage because she wanted the husband…who was nothing but faithful and loyal within the marriage and never dreamed about going outside of his vows.

Seriously!? This is about as common as men cheating! It is the main reason men like me let ourselves go after marriage!

But seriously. I have had relationships end because someone else wanted to make trouble. It is very common and the term is “homewrecker” Early on in my marriage someone tried to break us up, someone from my past. It is the number one reason I don’t have facebook. I do not need people from my past making trouble in my present. And if I don’t keep in contact with you there is a reason why and that is why I don’t need people tracking me down on facebook!

Now of course not every situation is ok, but I have even worked with crazy stalker types or people that have misread the relationship that would have tried to break something up. I also know of marraiges that have broken up of dear friends because the other person decided to move things along by telling either anonymously or face to face. It never ever ended in a Holy or even logical manner. And more damage was always done to kids, to spouses and to marriage itself. Nope. it just flat out is not some cheap floozey’s place to tell the wife. It is the husbands place to remain faithful, and if he fails he needs to confess to a priest and decide if his wife should know. There is a reason priests will not attach telling the wife to the confession. Because it may not be the best idea. HIV tests or no.

 

[truetofaith]

The title says he is married. How is he not? Has there been an annulment or such?

It’s a civil marriage… not in the Church, but they have a baby.