I Asked My Son to Leave

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KLindaRz said:
Hello -

I’m a prodigal daughter, gone from the Church 40 years, now back for three months. I am fortunate to be able to attend Mass daily.

I am 56, disabled from MS and arthritis, divorced for many years, and have two of my five living children still at home with me, sons, aged 21, and almost 25 and father of a 3-year-old daughter.

I told my 25-year-old son that he will have to move from my home. I will not be able to see my granddaughter as much because he visits her in my home. She is a joy to me. I was unable to have my own children attend any religious education and I’m praying about finding ways to have my granddaughter attend the Catholic school at my church when she is old enough.

My 25-year-old son works 12 hours a week at a minimum wage job. He did not graduate high school but has had pitifully few credits to make up over the past seven years to get his diploma. He enrolls in programs for the diploma and doesn’t finish it. He applies for jobs and goes for interviews but other people get jobs, not him. He took some vocational classes in welding but failed one class and gave up. His younger brother and sister have succeeded in welding. My 25-year-old son has an anger control problem that pops up; he has damaged property and someone’s car as well as broke his cell phone, throwing it.

I do get on him about working and/or education toward something that will enable him to become independent. I have had one rule, a 12 midnight curfew, because I want to know when I go to bed that the house is locked up and that nobody will be wandering in (and out) all hours of the night. He’ll show up at 12:30, 12:15, anything but midnight. He knows that if he did that with his job he’d be fired.

I’d like to know if anyone knows of a better way to handle the situation with my 25-year-old.

Thank you.
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Is there a substance abuse problem or a mental illness problem, i.e. depression?
 
I think you did the right thing. You have given your son chances and it has always been his choice to do the right thing and he hasn’t. He is making his problem your problem. He needs to get on with his life. You cannot do it for him. If he were really trying to change his life, maybe I could see trying to find a compromise. But he keeps doing things his way, and it isn’t working.

As far as having a curfew, and locking up, the reason is because it is her house. Whether anyone else thinks it is unreasonable or not is not the question. There are many laws in life we may think are unfair, but still, they must be followed. No different here. He can choose to abide by the rules or not. And he has chosen to not abide. So now there are consequences.

I am not saying this is easy, just that he needs to do this for himself. I wish you all the best . May God bless you and guide you.
 
I’m going to go against the grain here and say your doing the wrong thing. I had difficulties in life and my parents really did not want to assist me with my difficulties and now I’m in a far worse position than if they had of provided some guidance and assistance.

I was forced to live in flop-houses and take odd jobs because I never really got established. Now I’m on disability and live in public housing as a perpetual burden to the system, struggling to get back into work.

I think my fellow “Catholic’s” that are patting you on the back for what your doing really should question themselves.

We live in a difficult culture (one could describe it as a culture of death), I understand your son is having problems, but kicking him out is not a way to solve the problem.

Try providing some guidance, maybe working with him to help find a situation that works for him. I’ve seen selfish parents and lazy children, so I’ve seen both sides of the coin. The solution lies in providing some care when he probably has none rather than “forcing him to face up to reality”.

You had your child so don’t just abandon him when he reaches an adult age, like my parents did to me.

Try help him find a career that meets his skill level, give him some encouragement.
 
Brett1980 said:
I’m going to go against the grain here and say your doing the wrong thing. I had difficulties in life and my parents really did not want to assist me with my difficulties and now I’m in a far worse position than if they had of provided some guidance and assistance.

I was forced to live in flop-houses and take odd jobs because I never really got established. Now I’m on disability and live in public housing as a perpetual burden to the system, struggling to get back into work.

I think my fellow “Catholic’s” that are patting you on the back for what your doing really should question themselves.

We live in a difficult culture (one could describe it as a culture of death), I understand your son is having problems, but kicking him out is not a way to solve the problem.

Try providing some guidance, maybe working with him to help find a situation that works for him. I’ve seen selfish parents and lazy children, so I’ve seen both sides of the coin. The solution lies in providing some care when he probably has none rather than “forcing him to face up to reality”.

You had your child so don’t just abandon him when he reaches an adult age, like my parents did to me.

Try help him find a career that meets his skill level, give him some encouragement.
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Brett, I don’t know your situation. I am not accusing you of anything. But how long do you think a parent should be responsible for an adult child that won’t help himself and refuses to take advice and continues to just go against anything that is offered? Do you really believe that parents should take anything that is thrown at them from their children forever? How is that responsible on their part? Do you not see how the trouble that some people bring on themselves are also affecting their family? Why should the family be dragged down when the “child” refuses to grow up, refusing through all the bad choices he makes, not through things out of his control?
 
Brett1980 said:
I’m going to go against the grain here and say your doing the wrong thing. I had difficulties in life and my parents really did not want to assist me with my difficulties and now I’m in a far worse position than if they had of provided some guidance and assistance.

I was forced to live in flop-houses and take odd jobs because I never really got established. Now I’m on disability and live in public housing as a perpetual burden to the system, struggling to get back into work.

I think my fellow “Catholic’s” that are patting you on the back for what your doing really should question themselves.

We live in a difficult culture (one could describe it as a culture of death), I understand your son is having problems, but kicking him out is not a way to solve the problem.

Try providing some guidance, maybe working with him to help find a situation that works for him. I’ve seen selfish parents and lazy children, so I’ve seen both sides of the coin. The solution lies in providing some care when he probably has none rather than “forcing him to face up to reality”.

You had your child so don’t just abandon him when he reaches an adult age, like my parents did to me.

Try help him find a career that meets his skill level, give him some encouragement.
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i’m usually sensitive to others but it sounds like you want to have a pity party here. sorry. 😦
i dont know your situation but i do know that you are blaming others for your situation. i did that too in the past. i had to learn some hard lessons as an adult child living off my mom. and i had to follow her rules because it was her house. and once out i couldn’t go back. i had to find another way. its still hard but it is doable. 😃
i love my mom and she loves me. i wish i could see her more often but we are currently on opposite ends of the state. she won’t let my sister live with either! only my brother who does everything he can (usually) to help her. none of us have curfews. but i think a curfew is reasonable.
as for questioning myself - this guy is not accepting help. he’s running roughshod over his mom. its time to go.
 
Well I just thought I’d add my two cents. I don’t think its a good idea. I don’t want anyone’s pity. I actually think you should be cool and rational about it. E.G. How will you expect him to treat you when your old? I have a grandparent in a home, because the same parent who booted me out wouldn’t allow me to look after her by any means, it wasn’t even asked. Even though I’d be quite happy to. So now we have two people that are socially isolated instead of a caring family that sticks together.

I also think children should financially support old or disabled parents. I.E. If you help him now, maybe he pays for the movies and buys you some groceries every now and then when he gets on his feet and gets some decent pay. When I have been in work I have contributed thousands to my parents (I guess in this situation I have to blow my own horn to get the point across).
 
Brett, have you paid attention to anything this woman has said about her son?

your situation sounds vastly different from what little you have said.:confused:
 
JohnMPhilomena said:
I know you have it very difficult. MS is very debilitating (my sister has it).

You do have the right to tell your son to leave. Although I will say that a curfew for a 25 year old adult is not something that I can agree with. And you should not “get on him” about education and such. You can guide and recommend, but you cannot live his life for him and he doesn’t have to listen to your recommendations.

Lock the door at 9 pm or whenever you go to bed and let him re-lock it when he comes home. I think adults should be treated as adults. (Although I have children this age and know that they are not always respectful to parents and house rules).

Anyway, I wish you the best and I know it is not easy.
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I agree with this
 
donna369 said:
Brett, have you paid attention to anything this woman has said about her son?

your situation sounds vastly different from what little you have said.:confused:
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From what I gather she’s kicking him out to force him to become more independent. It may work, I’d say there’s also a large chance it could backfire (i.e. you may be visiting him in prison in a few years or he may end up on the streets etc).

He has anger problems, I wouldn’t expect any less from an underachieving young male in western culture, more so she’s annoyed at him because he comes home late.

By no means do I think she should coddle him, I have seen young men take advantage of “mom” because “mom’s always there for them”. Moreso, I have been on the receiving end of the “I’m making life hard for you to make you tough and independent rubbish” and it didn’t work. So yeah, I understand both perspectives. I would say both attitudes are wrong: If you coddle him he’ll end up soft and weak and if you kick him out he might end up even weaker or he may smarten up if he can.

What I’m saying is there is another way
 
donna369 said:
Brett, have you paid attention to anything this woman has said about her son?

your situation sounds vastly different from what little you have said.:confused:
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From what I gather she’s kicking him out to force him to become more independent. It may work, I’d say there’s also a large chance it could backfire (i.e. you may be visiting him in prison in a few years or he may end up on the streets etc).

He has anger problems, I wouldn’t expect any less from an underachieving young male in western culture, more so she’s annoyed at him because he comes home late.

By no means do I think she should coddle him, I have seen young men take advantage of “mom” because “mom’s always there for them”. Moreso, I have been on the receiving end of the “I’m making life hard for you to make you tough and independent rubbish” and it didn’t work. So yeah, I understand both perspectives. I would say both attitudes are wrong: If you coddle him he’ll end up soft and weak and if you kick him out he might end up even weaker or he may smarten up if he can.

What I’m saying is there is another way :). Be patient, show some love. If he’s capable why don’t you give him jobs around the house to pay “rent”.

Maybe you can assist him find a flop house. I wouldn’t advise it, because flop-houses are filled with people with social/legal and psychological problems. He will be in a rather threatening environment. Nonetheless, its better than being on the streets.

Its important to consider the poor and your son is poor. Its important to consider family and your son is family.

I am going to take a swing at America and say that while everyone’s busy embracing new forms of marriage and sexuality you have many homeless people. People in the US don’t seem to regard the poor in the eyes of the rest of the world. Which is one of the reasons that people in other countries don’t really regard the US highly. If your government was running the country at 100% employment I could understand but its not. You have over 7.5% unemployment and employment benefits run out in the US. So you’re people are committing huge swathes of the population to the streets because they are “lazy, etc” or whatever reason you don’t have a suitable welfare system.

As someone who used to earn $130k P.A and ended up on disability myself I was guilty of thinking people were “just lazy, druggies, it was their own fault and it could never happen to me etc”. I am fortunate to have suffered in life and now I have people saying things like “they’re all faking it to get disability or they just don’t want to work” to me in my country’s media (the Australian online newspapers).

The true crime of the sodomites wasn’t attempted rape it was that they didn’t regard the poor. That is why god destroyed that wicked city and why he thought they were wicked. Read Ezekiel 16:49.
 
I don’t mean any disrespect by the above post, but in the eyes of the rest of the western world the USA does not adequately look after its poor.
 
Brett,
you need to go back to the op. he won’t do things for her. he doesn’t want to. what little he does goes along with alot of whining and anger.
i would not advocate that every parent do this. but this situation is bad. she needs peace and he needs out.
 
Look you’ll have to forgive me for the strength of wording in my second last post, I guess I’m just worried about this kid. I nonetheless should have worded my second last statement more respectfully and can no longer edit it. I do have a high regard for the USA, its just one point which I disagree with. And the OP sounds like she has some medical issues which would make things hard etc.

I guess I feel somewhat let down by my parents who promised me undying love when I was growing up and kicked me out at 15 for almost a year, took me back in and then kicked me out at 17. I was always “to blame” etc… I know this young man is 25, so I understand the age difference, but I’ve also seen parents put up with a lot worse than whats being described here (not that I’m thinking they should have).

I think its good your taking a tough line with him. Perhaps you could send him to a “civilian boot camp” of some sorts instead if such a thing exists… or get him to join the national guard to teach him some discipline.

All of this is just my two cents, your free to make your own decision.
 
Brett - I don’t understand you at all. How long does a parent have to support a child and at what cost to themselves? This child is an adult and his behavior is affecting his mothers health? At this point shouldn’t the son be concerned about his mothers health and do everything he can to help her? The mother has been praying about this, agonizing about this. It’s time, it is PAST time, for the child to become an adult and take responsibility for his actions.
 
This is a 25 year-old grown MAN not a 19 year-old who is still getting his feet fresh in the water. He has had many opportunities and chances as the OP said to get it together and she has no obligation to foot the bill for his lazy lifestyle. It’s the typical blame others for his problems attitude that him and others like him have that lead to nowhere in the end. He has to man up and take responsibility for his actions and blaming it on anger issues isn’t going to cut it.
 
OP I think you are doing the right thing. I am not a parent, but I have watched my parents enable my 33 year old brother since he was 15. He too, does not have a high school diploma and is unable to find a job. They are supporting him and his two children (with two different women). There are a lot of similarities in our situations. From experience, your son will likely take advantage of the living situation until forced to do something else.
 
No one is going to like this but I think Brett has some very good points.

The problem is, in my opinion, that this young man is doing drugs. Oh I know he is denying it but if he is hanging with friends who are ‘druggies’ and fencing stolen items there is a darn good chance he is doing the same thing.

If you are going to kick someone out of the house for doing drugs and/or drinking, being violent, lying, etc, you have the absolute right to do so. The entire world will tell you that this is a good plan. You have to protect yourself and your other children.

BUT

If you do, then you had better be ready to identify a body in the morgue. Living on the streets is not fun, it is not glamorous. It is dangerous. People die violent deaths and usually, before that happens, they are subjected to torturous lives…sexual assault, robbery, beatings - it don’t matter if you are black or white, male or female, you live on the street you are living in the jungle. It ain’t pretty.

If you have the means to provide him with treatment for what he is going through, I would urge you to try and arrange for him to get that treatment. If you do not, I would do some research as to what is available for indigent adults suffering from substance abuse and/or mental illness (yes…even depression). I would sit him down and tell him you love him and want to help him and here is what you have arranged - and if he chooses not to accept the help, you can honestly say you did not kick him out. Instead, he chose to leave.

the Late Senator McGovern wrote a beautiful book about his daughter. I knew her. She was an alcoholic with mental health issues. She had managed at one time to put together 8 years of continuous sobriety but relapsed and could never get sober. The Senator wrote poigntly (did I spell that right? prblynot) that he and his wife practiced ‘tough love’ at the advice of all their friends, their pastor and the EXPERTS. She died, passed out in a snow drift, frozen to death. Until the day he died he wished he had told everyone to stick their advice in their ears and he would give everything to have one more chance to try and help her get sober. Why? Because then she would still be alive.

Whatever you decide to do, remember that you are in our prayers. I would never EVER harshly judge a parent that could not bear the idea of tossing their kid out on the street. I think there is an alternative and I hope you find it.

But what do I know? I’m a Dominican with 21 years sober…because my Mom refused to toss me out when I was 300 pounds and sitting in a closet smoking cocaine and drinking vodka.

those dumb mommies.
 
I work with people who are like your son. Mostly I believe it’s a combination of society and mental illness.

Long ago in a country called the USA, people could work at Mills, Auto plants, Parks, and Railroads. However, currently these jobs are hard to get or gone entirely. Thus, people who could not do schooling are forced to live a life they simply aren’t good at.

Your son would probably have been employed circa 1950; however, this is a very different job market and only tenacious people get jobs today.

I would advise seeing if he could get some counseling or perhaps meds to deal with the anger. However, I agree that he should leave for the betterment of your family.
 
Cruciferi said:
Long ago in a country called the USA, people could work at Mills, Auto plants, Parks, and Railroads. However, currently these jobs are hard to get or gone entirely. Thus, people who could not do schooling are forced to live a life they simply aren’t good at.
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Yes. People who graduated high school, but couldn’t afford (or didn’t desire) college could earn a living. Now that option isn’t available.
 
Cruciferi said:
I work with people who are like your son. Mostly I believe it’s a combination of society and mental illness.

Long ago in a country called the USA, people could work at Mills, Auto plants, Parks, and Railroads. However, currently these jobs are hard to get or gone entirely. Thus, people who could not do schooling are forced to live a life they simply aren’t good at.

Your son would probably have been employed circa 1950; however, this is a very different job market and only tenacious people get jobs today.

I would advise seeing if he could get some counseling or perhaps meds to deal with the anger. However, I agree that he should leave for the betterment of your family.
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This is incredibly relevant. There is simply nothing out there for these young adults to do. No living wage or even full time jobs. 30% of college grads are unemployed or underemployed. We are still helping our grown kids and they work very hard but it isn’t enough. Some of them even have graduate degrees. The jobs simply aren’t there. My husband will never be able to retire and everyone my age (51) that I talk to is in the same boat with one or more adult children living at home, and the ones out on their own needing some kind of help from time to time. It is like the 1930’s all over again but the press keeps quiet about it because it would let out the secret that the recession isn’t over and it was never a recession anyway. It was the beginning of a totally new and much harder way of life for most of us.
 
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