I believe I've been corrupted

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Kuzco

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Hello there, good people. This is my first post. I’ve waded these forums for a while but never posted - I usually enjoy reading and learning. But something has happened, and I need some help. I humbly apologize if this is the wrong subforum, I chose this as it seems appropriate.

I sinned last night. I do not wish to explain further than that, other than it’s not the first time, and I tried to resist and failed. I went to bed, put the alarm for 9:30am, prayed in shame, and quickly fell to sleep. At 8am my sister left home for college and involuntarily woke me, so I put on my trusty ear plugs and slept on. Then it began.

A dream. I was in bed, inmobile. Something came for me. I will attempt to describe it. It manifested in three ways:
  • A blackness beyond black, a darkness beyond dark, like the purest blackest tar, enveloping me. Kind of like Venom in McGuire’s Spider Man 2.
  • A scream of rage, but multiplied to infinity, like a million audio buffers emiting it around me, until my whole existence was drowned in a single, omnipresent scream.
  • Hate beyond hate. A hate so oppresive, so compact and dense, so complete and pure, that I felt it had hated me since the dawn of time, and would hate me till the end of existence.
    All these three things combined on me: the blackest tar, the infinite scream, the perfect hate. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t scream or even cry. I tried to focus in all that tide of evil, and tried to pray. To the Holy Father, to the Archangel Michael. I tried to ask for forgiveness, for mercy, at least for compassion.
It ended. Still dreaming, I asked for an exorcist. For some reason I was now a girl. I met the priest and he didn’t believe me, said I was epileptic, sent me to my room to rest.
Then the blackness came back. When I thought I was going to explode in madness, I awoke in terror. I truly felt soiled, violated, raped. I turned the lights on, then opened the shutters, trembling. My hands trembled so much!

I check the time. 10:45. The alarm had not sounded; my cellphone (where the alarm is) was off! I turned it on, checked the alarm… it was deactivated, evn though I had checked last night!

I’ve been terrified for the rest of the day. Ashamed to look at people in the eye, feeling soiled in the inside. I asked a leave from work and went to church to pray a Rosary, then anointed my forehead with holy water. I instantly felt better as I prayed in the pew, a great weight being relieved. I also felt a warming in the anointed area (as I usually do when applying holy water, and I still do as I type this).

I’m not a person to be quick to believe. I don’t jump to conclusions, I analyze and behave rationally. This defies analysis, this defies reason.

I do not think it was just a dream. I’ve never experienced anything even remotely so intense. I cannot conjure in my imagination such hate, such screams, such blackness. I have a weird certainty that there was a will there, that wanted to destroy me and bind me to darkness.

I needed to share this with you all. My girlfriend, we love each other, but she’s one of those “spiritual but not religious”. She sincerely thinks I should go to pray at church, but also visit a reiki teacher.

Anyways, I need advice. What do you think happened? I am terrified it can happen again this night. Should I confess + Eucharist? For personal reasons I have abstained from confession and eucharist (since in my personal circumstances it would be dishonest and blasphemous for the Body of Christ), should I change this?

Thanks for reading this far. It means the world to me.

-Kuzco
 
Sounds like a really bad nightmare, precluded by guilt.

I would get lots of rest, pray and definitely talk to those closest you to about it. Once you get these things out in the open, they lose their power to keep you in a state of fear.
 
Hi Kuzco. Unless there is a situation in your life that prevents you from receiving the sacrament of reconciliation, yes by all means, GO. Kudos for refraining from the Eucharist will in a state of sin; I think that says great things about the strength of your faith.We can all sometimes find ourselves in some form of trial from time to time.

Obviously, you needn’t worry about sin in dreams as there is no willful intent to disobey God in our subconscious, but it sounds more like you were concerned about the content. Sometimes when we remain in a state of sin willfully by refusing to go to reconciliation, it can weigh us down and that can manifest itself in different ways. The upside (in my opinion) is that this would be better than remaining in sin and having your intellect darkened and will weakened as St. Thomas would say.

Remember in your prayers our brothers and sisters that struggle with viewing their sins as socially acceptable. We should never undervalue the wonderful gift that God gives us to recognize our own sins as sins and the thirst to reconcile ourselves with Him.

As for the “spiritual not religious” thing, I’ve really struggled in the past to keep charity of tongue in on that one, but too often fail. I don’t know what reiki people are but I can’t see them sharing the parish office with a priest. Best to focus on the Sacraments our Blessed Savior gave us. These were the gifts that aid our spiritual journey. God Bless you.
 
Talk about the dark figure, I’ve dreamed of it once too. It’s pitch black, like no light could ever go through. Some people say it’s common, it’s called ‘black mass apparition’. But when it came for us, it felt very personal.

I believe it’s a form of evil spirit. When it tried to come near me in my dream, I prayed to God, ‘Father, Father, help me!’ then I woke up & felt relieved.

When that happened I believed I’ve been corrupted as well, not sure if I can turn back to the state of grace… I compromised with sin…

I prayed often now, in hope to be able to return somehow someday…
 
No matter what this was, do not allow it to take your peace away. Remember that Christ is ALWAYS in control.

Go to Confession, and resume your regular prayer life.

Perhaps intensify your prayer life a bit in order to counteract the adversary, whose wish is always to draw you away from the Church, away from Christ, away from heaven. Perhaps add an additional decade of the Rosary, or an additional five minutes of adoration before the Blessed Sacrament per week, or an additional weekday of attending Mass and receiving Holy Communion.

But don’t concern yourself with the devil, since the sucker lost his peace by pride and now wants to make others miserable as well. He screams because He lost the ability to whisper words of love in the ears of the Living God.

Do not think about that dream anymore.

Even if it was more than a mere dream, there have been people - some canonized, some not - whom had some degrees of spiritual warfare beyond the ordinary. This was for them a grace from Christ, to draw them closer to His Heart and humble them, and to exhort them to pray more for the many souls that every day blindly cast themselves into fire - not because they sin (since we all sin) but becasue they do not do penance, they do not repent and trust in Christ’s forgiveness.

If you are a penitent - a sinner who strives to walk on the path of perfection, with an ordinary sacramental life and a normal life of prayer - then there is no reason for you to be afraid. Christ will guard you. He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

God bless you, Mary shelter you.
 
Kuzco said:
Anyways, I need advice. What do you think happened?
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It could be something spiritual, or it could be nothing more than your mind projecting your guilt onto a nightmare.
Kuzco said:
Should I confess + Eucharist? For personal reasons I have abstained from confession and eucharist (since in my personal circumstances it would be dishonest and blasphemous for the Body of Christ), should I change this?
Click to expand...
I can see several reasons why you might not be able to take communion, but I can’t think of one reason that you shouldn’t be able to go to confession. If you’re very embarrassed by your son, go to a parish far away from your regular dwellings and confess behind the screen.
faithfulwannabe said:
When that happened I believed I’ve been corrupted as well, not sure if I can turn back to the state of grace… I compromised with sin…

I prayed often now, in hope to be able to return somehow someday…
Click to expand...
No matter how “corrupted” we get… as long as we have a will to go to Christ and continually strive to do so, we can be saved and we will be put back into a state of grace beyond which we have ever been in this earthly life. Have faith in Christ my brothers.
 
Certainly make use of the Sacrament of Reconciliation and the Holy Eucharist. That is how Our Lord Jesus Christ gives himself to us, which he so much wants to do.

That and a regular prayer life and you will be fine.

God bless you,

Dorothy
 
Go to confession and tell this to your Confessor. Also, ask for a blessing of your house and pray for your sister. If you experience this again start to pray the Our Father over and over and over until it passes.

I suggest the Our Father, and also the Hail Mary for attacks like these. I have prayed them often under similar circumstances. Usually I have a sense of great darkness that is heavy and weighs me down. It is like I am being crushed. I know not to look at what ever there may be in my room when this happens, but rather to focus on praying until the crushing feeling leaves.

The other night my sister had something happen to her in which she finally kept stating out loud: “Begone from me in the Name of Jesus Christ.” She had to keep repeating it to banish a dark and horrible intrusion of thought and image that would not leave her mind. When it finally did, she said it was like she had a seizure (but knew it was not one) and her whole body started to shake violently. The darkness left.

This might be something you can do as well, if this happens again. Banish the darkness or dream in the name of Jesus Christ as you would a demon.
 
Evil Spirits can only do what God permits them to do. God might want you to see such a dark reality for any number of reasons. Perhaps one is so that you could tell others about it and remind us all that evil is real. A more personal reason is possibly He wanted to remind you that you need Him and you need to go back to the sacraments. Anybody who has committed mortal sin, should of course repent, have a firm purpose to amend his life, and go to confession. Once you’ve confessed, you are then free to receive the Eucharist. We’re all sinners, but God wants to welcome us all home.

If it’s habitual sin, while it’s not good to fall back into the sin, what’s overwhelming more important is that you keep fighting it, and keep going back to confession (and afterward, the Eucharist) after you fall. Keep praying and doing your best to fight the sin. As the saying goes “God doesn’t get tired of forgiving, it’s we who get tired of asking”. It’s only when you give up and stop going back to God and His sacraments that you “lose the war” and scarily enough, that’s when you have to worry about that dark vision you witnessed.
 
faithfulwannabe said:
Talk about the dark figure, I’ve dreamed of it once too. It’s pitch black, like no light could ever go through. Some people say it’s common, it’s called ‘black mass apparition’. But when it came for us, it felt very personal.

I believe it’s a form of evil spirit. When it tried to come near me in my dream, I prayed to God, ‘Father, Father, help me!’ then I woke up & felt relieved.

When that happened I believed I’ve been corrupted as well, not sure if I can turn back to the state of grace… I compromised with sin…

I prayed often now, in hope to be able to return somehow someday…
Click to expand...
You’re never beyond the pale. God can forgive you and heal you of anything, no evil spirit can keep you from Him. Here’s a famous passage from Romans.

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? … No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8: 35, 37-39
 
Sorry, I’m kind of spamming this thread, but I keep noticing interesting things about your post.
The part about the dream you had with the priest. It reminded me of a story in the news recently. A priest was talking about a girl whom he believed was possessed and how the demon would, through the girl, tell the priest that whoever prayed for her would die. The obvious “trick” that the demon was trying to play was to keep people from imploring God’s help. It’s just a guess, but it seems like the demon was perhaps trying to do the same to you. Kind of a “see, the priest is not going to be any help to you!” sort of thing. Perhaps he had you as a girl in the dream just to throw in a little extra mockery.
Now, I’m not saying that you’re possessed, but still the demon has an interest in making sure that you don’t implore God’s help. Sort of like somebody who mugs you and then tells you not to call the cops.
Anyway, it seems like your heart is in the right place and you’re already on the path to taking the right action. I said a prayer for you.
 
I want to thank everyone very heartily. I was gladly surprised by the amount of responses and the goodwill and tenderness in them. It made my night far easier.
I had a night of heavy, quiet sleep, pope-blessed Rosary in hand. I woke up a few times a little nervous, but nothing transpired.
I’ll go today to mass to confess and take the Eucharist.

I’ve been thinking about the dream. I still believe it wasn’t a normal nightmare. I am good at introspection, and I honestly cannot remember a similar experience before. This was too violent, too vivid.

Anyways. Onwards to prayer and good works. Cheers! God Bless!
 
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