I can't be a Maid of Honor anymore!

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Laurie_86

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My best friend of ten years Mary recently came back into my life after living in two different cities for a year. We kept in touch through the internet or on the phone off and on in that year and I thought I knew the person she was. Problems started when she moved back into town two months ago.

I hadn’t seen her since she moved back into town because of the distance between us, school, and our schedules never fit so we haven’t gotten to talk much. Since she moved back in town she has lived with her boyfriend supporting him as he was unemployed, dropped out of college, and gotten engaged to her boyfriend she has only been dating for 1 1/2 months! He is at basic training right now for the army and sees this as a solution to his financial difficulties in keeping a job (as does she). While the military is a good career for some I do not see it as a fix all as she describes it to be with base housing and such.

I met up with her today for the first time since she moved back to town. We ended up hanging out with some of her new friends and I am more concerned than ever!

One of Mary’s guy friends admits he is into getting high regularly. Off what I don’t know, but I don’t think I want to know what he gets high off of. I made the mistake of leaving my car at Mary’s house not thinking her friends would be so bad, but when we went over the guy’s house you could immediately smell what I think was pot. Mary and one of her other girlfriends acted as if it is no big deal that he gets high and even laugh how he acts when he is high! :eek: I kept praying the entire time we were there God would find a way for us to leave and thankfully He did within 20 minutes of getting there we went to a movie. I’ve never been more thankful to see a movie in my life! :gopray2:

I told Mary when we got back to her house to pick up my car exactly why I couldn’t spend more time with her and her friends as they were heading back to the guy’s house. I am strongly against drugs because of the damage I have seen in my own family due to it. I told her by staying with those friends she might as well be getting high with them. I may have been a little too judgmental or harsh by saying what I did, but I think she needed to hear it from someone.

Mary said she didn’t condone their choices, but I don’t think it’s good enough just to say you don’t approve of something. Personally sitting there laughing about someone getting high is condoning it in my book. These friends claim to be Christian…but I feel like their actions and Mary’s actions are only distancing them from God’s love. At what point are you committing a sin yourself by not sticking up for the idea that God wants us to take care of our bodies rather than destroy them through drugs? 🤷

Problem being two weeks ago she asked me to be her Maid of Honor. I said yes at the time because she said they were doing premarital counseling. Apparently things have changed and today she told me they are not doing premarital counseling because her fiancee doesn’t want to! Neither are Catholic so they are not bound to any kind fo premarital preparation. He says it will only delay their ability to get married and they moved the wedding from March to January! Both come from very broken abusive homes! He has her convinced they can get through any situation because they are in love and are not like their parents. I feel like Mary could be throwing herself into a potentially dangerous marriage! :eek:

Having not met her fiancee I’m not sure if he is truly pursuing Christ or just deceiving her. All I know is Mary is not the person she was a year ago based off some recent choices. Should I keep to that commitment knowing what I know now? Am I overreacting? :confused:

I honestly don’t think I can be her Maid of Honor…but I don’t want to lose her as a friend at the same time. I’m afraid I might be the only voice of reason she has left in her life as she is not talking to her family. I know by saying no to being her Maid of Honor this could break our friendship. But I feel like by saying yes I’m condoning her choices, which I don’t approve of. I love her more than anything because of everything we have been through together these past 10 years and I don’t want to lose her but I’m afraid I will. :imsorry:

Sorry this is so long…it’s just really complicated! What would you do? I am still praying about this…but I would appreciate some advice as I am at a loss of what to do. Thank you for your help. 😦
 
Hi Laurie–wow, tough tough choice. I know. I am sorry you’re in this situation. But, if I were you, I wouldn’t be her maid of honor. This is not something you believe in, and standing up for something you don’t believe in (which in essence is the maid of honor’s ‘role’) will make you feel in the end, as inauthentic. She is living with the guy, you disagree with that. You feel they are rushing into things, etc…I would calmly explain to her that you just don’t feel that you’d be authentic in standing up for her marriage. Sometimes, when we follow what Christ would have us do, we lose ‘friends’ in the process. I can’t say how she will react…she may react badly…she may understand. I feel badly for her that she feels she needs to jump into something so quickly, like this. Pray for your friend, but never compromise your Christian values to keep a friendship.

I’ll keep you and your friend in my prayers!:gopray:
 
Golly what a tough choice!

I would step down from the maid of honor position, but be clear as to why. Help her to understand exactly what is making you change your mind. Maybe she needs to hear it to understand how her life has changed.

I would add her to your intentions as well. It seems like maybe she is struggling to find herself. This just seems like it could be a very very touchy situation.

God bless.
 
I can offer another perspective to you.

Do you think your friendship will last if you continue it this way with her? Meaning, let say you go through being a maid of honor then what happen after the wedding? Do you think your friendship will grow? Do you think you’ll be able to persuade her later? If you don’t see fruit in this friendship then you can just say no.

However, if you see a potential then may be you should say yes. If you say yes though, at least meet up with her fiance and check him out to see what kind of person he is.
 
What do you think Jesus would say to you?
Code: 
             (Hint: Look at your signature again!:wink:)
Blessings,
Lilly:heart:
 
Thanks for the encouragement. I think I just needed hear I wasn’t crazy. :o

I’m hoping before I tell her I can’t be her Maid of Honor I can help her understand my concerns about her choice of friends and her marriage. I don’t know if she is doing drugs herself, but I have suspicions that she has no issues with it even if she herself is not involved. I’m supposed to talk to her tonight and plan on asking her some more direct questions as I have had time to think a little more.

Both of them really need premarital counseling because of their past relationships with family and the fact that they are so young (both just turned 21). I feel like it’s not my place to say they’re rushing into things (even though I feel like they are), but if you’re baking a cake and you don’t add all the ingredients it’s not going to taste the same! So in that way I hope by talking with her maybe they’ll understand premarital counseling (especially for them) is an important ingredient in their marriage. 😉

Tee - I am at least going to meet up with her fiance before I make my decision, but I’m afraid of getting too close to their wedding date before we get to meet. I’ve seen fruit in this relationship in the past so that’s why I’m discouraged about the idea that there may no longer be fruit in this. I don’t know if I could convince her of my point. I hope so.

Lilydew - Yeah I probably should look at my signature again! lol 😊 All of it really took me off guard…I just don’t want to see her get hurt.

Does anyone know of any good premarital books or websites that are from a Christian perspective (not necessarily a Catholic) that would be good to suggest to her? I feel like maybe I can introduce her to the idea that premarital counseling is important if she can read questions she should be thinking about…Thanks!!! 😃
 
Another hint:

Consider last Sunday’s gospel reading: Jesus invited everyone and anyone to the marriage but those who came were required to put on the freely available wedding garment ie. they had to reconsider their lifestyle. So, by you choosing to be Maid of Honour and making clear your stance in compassion, you are keeping the doors open. Whether your friend chooses to respond according to your beliefs is up to them and should be their free will. You would have done your part, the rest is up to them!🙂

Blessings,
Lilly:heart:
 
You don’t have to come across as being holier-than-thou, if that worries you.

I wish someone would have taken your stand with me when I married my teenage mistake. We were both nice people, both from broken homes, both had **no **idea what married life was all about. We felt like getting married would *make *us live happily ever after; when difficulties came along, we had no idea what to do, so we divorced. I was 18, he was 21. The marriage lasted two years. (It’s been declared null.)

If I was in your shoes, I’d approach it like this: “I want to be your maid of honor, and be one of the good memories of your wedding. But I feel that you are in too much of a hurry to give yourselves a chance of staying married. You need to take the time to learn how good marriages work. Without it, you probably won’t last more than a few years. I want to stay in your life, not be part of an embarrassing memory, where you made a mistake in front of 250 people.”

I hope this helps. You and your friend will be in my prayers.

Ruthie
 
Ruthie said:
If I was in your shoes, I’d approach it like this: “I want to be your maid of honor, and be one of the good memories of your wedding. But I feel that you are in too much of a hurry to give yourselves a chance of staying married. You need to take the time to learn how good marriages work. Without it, you probably won’t last more than a few years. I want to stay in your life, not be part of an embarrassing memory, where you made a mistake in front of 250 people.”

Ruthie
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I think this is very good. It shows you really care about her and only want what’s best.
 
The OP wrote
I feel like it’s not my place to say they’re rushing into things (even though I feel like they are)
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A friend and I were actually talking about this kind of subject (when to speak up or act) today and we agreed that if we think the issue is important we must say something to the other person that we at least disagree or disapprove and why. So with charity in our heart we should say something otherwise, depending on the case, it may be a sin of omission.

If people are in physical danger we dont hesitate to act. If you see an elderly man about to accidentally walk into traffic you would shout and try to grab him. If someone is in spiritual danger we shouldnt shout at them literally of course but we certainly ought to warn them.
 
I agree with Ruthie’s suggested tactful response. Of course, there will be many more words you will probably need to use.

Is there any chance you could pray with her? Sprinkle holy water on her? Put some holy salt in her house? Take her to church with you? Find other ways to share your faith with her? She needs a good friend to help her, but unfortunately she could end up being one of the hard-headed folks who won’t listen to reason. I hope and pray that by demonstrating that you are concerned about her making a big mistake she will be open to hearing your suggestions.

You could start by asking her if they’ve discussed the difficult topics and determined that they are compatible in what they want from life and from each other. There are many websites that have lists of questions to discuss that can give you ideas on what to challenge her with. (Search for “premarital counseling questions” for a barrage of stuff)

I don’t envy your position, but you and your friend will be in my prayers. May God guide your heart, your voice and your hands in this delicate situation!
 
Well, you sound convinced that they shouldn’t get married, but you haven’t really mentioned much about them/their relationship.

Is the boyfriend just experiencing one of life’s lessons? Like, is this a case of just losing your job or is it a case of being a deadbeat? Does he display abusive behavior?

Is she happy to be a military wife? Or is she being dependent?

It sounds as if they are young and in love and not willing to wait any longer. I suppose that could be rash, but it might not necessarily be wrong or bad if neither of them are abusive or dysfunctional.
 
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